Beautiful Release
by Tina
- - -
Ross looked around the room and smiled.
"Wow. This is perfect for me."
He looked out the window and couldn't believe he was in the apartment they all used to stare at all the time for all those years. Ugly naked guy's place. Who would have guessed it was so cozy?
Monica smiled at her big brother and hugged him.
"Plus, you get to be really close now."
Ross put on a half uncomfortable face.
"I just hope you and Chandler remember to shut the drapes..."
Monica broke the hug and shot him a look.
Ross kept analyzing the room, mentally picturing his future furniture filling the empty space. He sure still had a lot of shopping ahead, he didn't even have a bed yet.
"Hey, so... Have you spoken to Rachel lately?"
"No." He casually answered, almost as if he didn't care. Monica knew him better than that, though.
"She hasn't called since she left?"
"No."
"And I'm assuming neither have you."
Ross looked at his sister for a while.
"Monica, I..." He shook his head, trying to figure out how to put it. "With Rachel being gone for a while and leaving me hanging, I've been thinking a lot and... This is for the best."
"What do you mean?"
"I could use some time for myself, to be alone for a while and get back on my feet. I left Carol for me, not for her."
"But what about your feelings? I thought you..." She trailed off, a little scared to say it. "I thought you loved her?"
Ross sighed.
"I do, Monica. But maybe we need some time off. I would love for her to be here and... I don't know, if things were different we might be able to be together now, but they're not."
Monica watched him.
"You mean if she'd just get over and leave Barry?"
By the look on his face, sour and a little hurt, Monica knew she'd hit a sore spot.
"That and other things. It's not that easy, Mon."
She decided not to press the wound harder. But from what she could see, it was all very simple. However, maybe he was right. Maybe some time apart would do him some good. As for Rachel... Monica understood her position aswell, to wait around before this crazy fog lifted and she could leave her husband. She just wished her friend would be a little more transparent about it to her brother. Why was it so hard for those two to simply communicate?
---
Sarah's fifteen years old sister Ines and her mother Marina proved to be greater shopaholics than Rachel herself. After spending their first day in San Francisco at the hospital with Jimmy, they had gone on a little shopping spree around the Union Square area to try and unwind a little, taking Rachel and Sarah along and leaving the men on the watch.
"Mama, look mama!" Ines spoke in her poor English as she was instructed - for they were in Rachel's presence and it would be rude for them to speak on a language she did not understand - while she pointed at a bag in the Dior display.
Marina approached the glass and lowered her sunglasses to look at the price.
"OK, inside now."
Ines almost skipped in, pleased. Sarah dragged herself behind, while Rachel put a playful hand on the small of her back, smiling weakly at her. She knew Sarah considered those things shallow and so on, but she always kept it to herself, always careful not to disrespect the people she loved for something so small.
"These things are so cheap in here, we have to enjoy it." Marina told Rachel, who watched her curiously.
"Really? How much does it cost there?"
"About three times what it's charged here."
"Wow. Then I bet you guys enjoy it when you come over."
"I'll say." Sarah told her.
Rachel smiled weakly, glad to see Sarah joking. Though Jimmy still hadn't woken up, he seemed a little better and everybody's spirit was lightening up a bit, specially since the arrival of the Hernandez family.
While Ines and Marina discussed the bag they wanted with the sales lady, Rachel wandered around the room, tempted to take the entire store home herself. She had been putting off shopping the past few days, focusing on the realization that Barry would be paying for all of that, as it had always been in their marriage. But now, it was supposed to be over. If she considered things between them through, their marriage taking its last breaths for a very clear motive, then his money wasn't hers to spend like that anymore.
Sarah took a seat next to where Rachel was standing, looking at the dresses.
"Not gonna take anything?"
"Ah..." Rachel looked uncomfortable, trying to hide the fact she was dying for that black dress she couldn't help but admire through the corner of her eyes. "Nah, I- I'm OK."
"Can't say I'm recognizing you, Rach."
Rachel looked at her and said nothing. She just kept on smiling weakly.
"It's not just this though." Sarah kept looking at Rachel intently. She couldn't say she knew Rachel all that well, but she knew her enough to notice the difference. "I don't know, there's just something about you."
"I hope it's a good thing."
Sarah chuckled.
"It is." She paused. "You know, I was talking to Alex the other day and she told me how much she liked her Aunt Rachel."
Rachel smiled adoringly.
"She did?"
"Yeah. And see, that's one of the things... Before, you would never even hold her, remember?"
Rachel nodded.
"Yeah, babies make me nervous. Or used to, I don't know."
Sarah's eyes brightened up.
"Oh, Rachel...! Are you... Are you pregnant?"
Rachel chuckled.
"No, I'm not."
"Oh."
Rachel sighed and thought about it.
"Barry's... been... wanting to, though. But I... I'm not sure."
"Oh, Rachel, you should totally do it. I think you're gonna be an amazing mom."
Rachel smiled weakly at her.
"Thanks."
Rachel thought about it while Sarah went to help her mother speaking to the sales woman.
Maybe she really would be an amazing mom. For the first time in her life, she allowed herself to believe that. She had a lot of love to give. And she had enough patience too. If she had endured all those hard years with Barry, she felt like she could handle anything. Besides, the father would be of great help too, she mused.
She felt a pang of guilt.
She hadn't spoken to Ross since her arrival in San Francisco. It was overwhelming. And it's not like she hadn't thought about it. Many times had she picked up the phone and dialed half his number before giving up. She didn't know what to say and she was afraid to hear the disappointment, the frustration in his voice. She knew he expected her back with him as soon as possible, and she was failing on slowly showing Barry that she was there only as a friend now. Besides, she would hate to feel the way she felt last time they spoke.
But she couldn't keep on delaying it.
Looking over at the girls, who had now found a new model of a hand bag and were posing on with different colors in front of the mirror, Rachel picked up her phone and called him. She owed him too much to simply leave him hanging like that.
After a few rings, he picked it up.
"Hello." He said it with a casual voice.
"Hey, Ross..." She said it with a sweet one.
"Hi, Rachel." He maintained his tone. She frowned slightly.
"Listen, I'm sorry I haven't called before, things have just been very weird here. Jimmy isn't up yet and... you understand, right?"
"Sure."
She couldn't believe her ears. No emotions. Neither was he excited to hear from her, nor was he showing any sign of anger. And at that point, anything would be better than this indifference in his voice. She looked down and tried to reach him one more time.
"How have you been?" She asked in a low voice.
"Fine." He paused, but just until he realized she was expecting more. "I got my own place already, but I need to buy some new furniture so I'm still staying over at Monica's."
"Wow, so soon? That's great!" Brief silence. "And how's Ben?"
"Good."
This time a long silence followed, and each passing second broke Rachel a little.
"Ross, I told you I'm sorry..."
"And I said I understand."
"But you..." She didn't know how to put it. "You're mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you, Rachel."
"Then why are you treating me like this?"
"Rachel, I am trying to be supportive."
"You don't even seem to care!"
"What do you want me to do? Rachel, you left me here while you fled to the other side of the country with your husband, who you promised you'd leave! I'm trying not to expect anything because, really, why should I? I told you before, I left my wife because of me and you know what, I'm doing fine here. I didn't think I would, but I am."
Rachel froze, in a loss of words.
He didn't need her.
He was doing well without her. He didn't need her like she needed him.
There was so much she wanted from him, so much she thought she couldn't do without him. But if he didn't need her back, what was the point?
She tried to recompose herself and sighed.
"Well, good for you, Ross."
She didn't know what else to say, so she slowly hung up after not hearing anything back from the other side.
A few seconds later, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around and Sarah was smiling weakly at her.
"OK, we can go now."
Rachel bit her bottom lip.
"Alright, now I'm gonna show you how a pro does it."
And for the next three hours the girls went into the major stores - Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Versace, Burberry and of course Saks and Macy's - and shopped till they (almost) dropped.
---
Rachel entered the hotel room and dropped her numerous bags on the floor. Damn it, she would probably need to buy a new suitcase now, these things would definitely not fit with the luggage she'd brought. Ah, she'd worry about it later. After all, she didn't even know when they were heading back home yet.
Something caught her attention. She walked to the desk near the bed and picked up the baby shirt Barry had bought a few days ago at the hospital gift shop. She looked at it intently, letting her mind drift a little.
At that moment, the bathroom door opened and Barry stepped out after a shower, the towel still wrapped around his waist.
"Oh, hey." Rachel said, surprised to see him.
He smiled weakly at her, while searching for clothes inside his suitcase.
"Hey.
"I thought you'd be at the hospital."
"Marco and Fernando sent me out. They said I had to shower and finally get a good night of sleep."
She looked at her watch and realized it was seven.
"Oh."
"How about you, how was shopping?"
"It was good."
She noticed how his eyes found the many shopping bags and could swear he looked satisfied to see how many there were.
"Hm, listen, Barry, I've been meaning to ask you..." She paused, not wanting it to come out the wrong way. "We've been here for a week and Jimmy's... he's better, I guess, but he still hasn't woken up and... Well, I just wanna know if you have any idea when we might go back home?"
Barry watched her for a while. She could tell he was wondering if she had an ulterior reason to be asking that.
"I don't know."
"What about your patients?"
"Rachel, this is my priority right now. I don't think anybody's gonna die back in New York because of my absence!" He said, a little hostile now. Rachel just watched him and he sighed. "Anyway, I contacted this retired colleague to take some of the work back at the clinic for now, so there's no rush."
"OK, I was just wondering..." She said, raising her hands in defense.
She started opening her shopping bags, while Barry watched. As she fumbled inside a Macy's, she was surprised to pull out a teddy bear from it.
"Did you pick that out for out baby?"
Rachel looked at him, still confused.
"No!" She panicked. She looked back at the stuffed animal and sighed, trying to think of how the item had found its way into her bag. Oh, right. "Sarah." She said with a sigh. "Urgh, she must've put it into my bag while I was in the changing room at Saks."
Barry approached her, smiling. He put his arms around her waist and Rachel closed her eyes.
"I don't know about you, but that just gave me a whole batch of inspiration here."
He kissed her neck and Rachel squeezed the toy to ease her feelings.
She thought of Ross, of their phone call earlier that day, of the things he'd said to her.
He was back in New York, putting his life together, doing fine without her. And there was Barry, right next to her, willing to give her whatever she wanted. Needing her. Leaning on her so much the past few days. So obviously terrified of losing her.
Rachel dropped the toy and turned around, reaching for her husband's lips.
They kissed until Rachel could feel his arousal between them. Before he could remove the towel, she broke the kiss.
"I'll be right back." She whispered to him, rushing to the bathroom.
She rubbed tears from her eyes, sobbing quietly. She looked into the mirror and looked away, not able to face the mess she had become.
God, she didn't want to think. She didn't want to face the facts or feel the pain.
She reached for her make up bag and pulled out two bottles of pills she was keeping there in case of emergency. She took three and swallowed them at the same time, gagging slightly from the quick act, but able to get them all down.
For a moment, she simply leaned against the wall and took long breaths, with her eyes closed.
After she was able to calm her breathing, she washed her face and brushed her hair calmly.
"Rachel, are you coming or not?" She heard Barry ask on the other side of the door.
She took another breath and left.
Barry was lying on the bed, still with the towel around his waist. He raised his arm towards her and she held his hand. He pulled her towards him, so she laid down on top.
They started kissing and Rachel wasn't surprised to feel his hands get to work quickly. They went down her back to her butt, all the way to the back of her legs and then up again, repeating the process until they eventually rested on her legs, reaching for the insides. To try and stop him, Rachel rolled over and he took it as a hint to come on top himself. He broke the kiss and looked down at her, unbuttoning her blouse. Rachel turned her head away and he enjoyed the opportunity to kiss her neck.
His lips went down from neck to her chest. Though she was beginning to feel lighter from the medication, she still couldn't get herself to feel comfortable.
Oh, and this was just the beginning. Rachel focused on his ready to go body and pictured her next few minutes. She cringed at the thought of it and put a hand on Barry's chest, pulling him away.
"I'm sorry, Barry, no."
She got up and disorientedly walked towards the door, barely able to hear Barry's protests, while buttoning her shirt back. She picked up her purse and left.
Inside the elevator, her mind was lazily racing. Too many thoughts and yet she was in no condition to keep up with them.
She'd made it. Many times had she made love to Barry when all she wanted to do was push him away and now she'd finally made it.
Oh, stupid!
And now what? What the fuck was she to do? Ross didn't want her! She didn't know what the hell it was they had anymore. How foolish she had been.
Maybe she should just go back to the room, apologize to Barry and get it over with. Aw, maybe giving him that baby he wanted would make things better for them. She would have a child to care for, to give all this love she had stored. The child would make her happy like no man would.
She hung her head low.
That didn't seem right. Would she really handle to continue to be married to Barry? To carry his child in her womb?
Jesus, what should be the next step? She was so lost. She didn't even know where to go. She was in a strange city, all alone.
The door of the elevator - which had eventually began moving without Rachel even realizing it - opened and she stepped out when she noticed where she was. It was the lounge floor.
A few minutes later, with a glass of fine wine on one hand, she used the other to search inside her purse. She pulled out her cellphone and stared at it for a while.
After gathering up some courage, she dialed the number.
When she heard the voice on the other side, her eyes filled up with tears.
"Hello?"
Rachel took a long time to reply.
"Hello, who is this?"
Rachel sobbed.
"Monica, help me."
- - -
Huge thank you to Vero, for uploading this for me ;) Anyway, I don't know if Dior actually puts the price on the display, let's just assume they do, OK? And Ugly Naked Guy's apartment... I know how it happened in the show. But this is how it happens in my fic, haha. And this may be a little more dramatic than I expected (and oh so poorly written!), but it works. Rachel's been under a lot lately, it just boiled up, OK? Which made her feelings for Ross and her insecurity multiply. Anyway, now leave me a review, please? The end is drawing near, it's making me sad, aw... :( Anyway, this probably has a gazillion mistakes, but I'm too tired right now and I wanna post it ASAP, so... forgive me.