A/N: Yup. (oh, and I don't really like the title for this chapter…might change it one day…)

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED.

Chapter Three

My Emotions

My hands. They're sweaty. The sweat, it makes my hands slip. I loose my hold. My hands, slick with sweat. I stare at them. They're shaking slightly. I wring them, over and over again. I keep muttering to myself. 'They're sweaty…'

I feel the panic raise within me. I'm nervous. I don't understand.

My back rests against my bed as I sit on the floor. I stare. I stare at her.

Everyday I see her. Some days it doesn't bother me. Today is not one of those. I wipe my hands on my jeans. But still they're not dry.

I run my hands through my hair. It's messy. I haven't bothered to brush it. I rest my head on my knees, my hands still raked through my hair. I close my eyes. I can't bear to look at her. She haunts me. Forever haunting me.

Why won't she leave me alone? Why? Tears slip from beneath my closed eyes. They roll down my cheeks, falling on my knees, making the fabric wet. I want her to leave. Why? Why must she haunt me?

I squeeze my eyes shut even more, my fingers tightening around the hair they had seized. I want to break her. I want to banish her forever. But, I can't.

Somehow I manage to stand up, however shakily. I stumble out of the room. I close the door firmly behind me and sink to the floor again, my back now resting against the wood of my door. I wipe away my tears.

I've left her for now. But she'll return. I'll see her again. I always see her again. She fills me with despair. She makes me weak when I need to be strong. She is the one who makes me sweat, makes me fear, before her I was different. Before her, I feared no-one and nothing, before her I was strong, before her the world was different.

At school, she protects me. Always. Today, however, is screwed. I'm having a bad week. Of the worst kind. She is playing with me. My face is sad, but expressionless. I don't hear those around me. I don't see anything around me. I've detached myself from everything around me, from everyone.

I cannot see the looks Miriallia and Kira give me. I cannot hear their worried tones as they speak to me. All I know for now is one thing. She's punishing me.

Why, though? What have I done to her? Have I displeased her in some way? I leave her be. I ignore her. I can't stand her. I cannot look at her. I cannot understand her at all. She is a puzzle. My mystery. My consequence. Though, for what? Whatever I've done, I do not know what it is. But now, she is always there, always reminding me, always tormenting me, and, today, she has forsaken me, laving me with my thoughts, thoughts I do not wish to have.

For, they, too, torment me. Endless torrents of questions. Questions which I will never be able to answer. Wishes which will never come true. Hopes which were founded on the impossible.

I look up from my notes. I hadn't noticed I was taking them. They're messy and indistinct. I cannot even read them. I watch mutely as the teacher talks about electricity. I realize that we are to have a test soon. I haven't learnt anything. I haven't paid much attention. I never really do. Maybe I should work on that.

My eyes wander around my class, roaming over the seemingly never-ending sea of students. Really, there is only about thirty of us all together. My eyes pause on one person. He is too easily spotted, with his discernable hair, the darkest shade of blue. With a start, I realize that he has been watching me. His eyes bore into mine, almost as if he were reading the very depths of my soul. As always, the sheer emerald colour of them captivated me.

It's been two weeks since he showed up at my doorstep, asking to be friends. No-one at school knows about our relationship, except Lacus, Miriallia and Kira. Though, not one of us talks about it. It's all kept secret. Athrun and I don't act as if we were friends. I just ignore him, though he has ceased teasing me, even if he cannot keep his friends from doing the same.

Why is he looking at me like that? There's such concern in his eyes. Such worry, for me. The thought made butterflies flutter in my stomach.

As I went to say goodbye to Miriallia at the gate, she turned to me, a determined look in her eyes.

"Is everything okay?" she asked firmly.

I blinked. I hadn't expected that, nor for her to be so forward.

"Yes," I answered untruthfully, still blinking.

She looked at me disbelievingly. Obviously, she didn't believe me. Not that I had really expected her to with how I had acted today.

"We are going to talk about this later." She told me in such a tone that I knew I could not get out of it.

I simply nodded and started walking away. I slipped into the car and nodded absently at my father's usual querie as to how my day had been. I didn't really want Miriallia to worry about me. She had enough on her plate at the moment as it was. She really didn't need to worry for me as well. I was best left alone, in any case.

When I got home, I quickly changed out of my school uniform and headed for the park. I decided I needed fresh air, and the park was my favorite choice.

I swung on my usual swing, the one on the right. I always used this one. I don't really know why, but I never really liked the left. It was just always this way.

I watched idly as the clouds drifted sullenly by. The wind whispered through the trees secretively. The park was deserted once again. I was left alone. Alone with my thoughts.

It was then that I realized something for the first time. A painful loneliness had been cast over me. How could I have never known it? Never felt it until just now? I could almost laugh out loud at the realization. Just like the changes in my life, this had settled over me. Slowly sinking further and further into my heart. But now I knew. Loneliness had crept into my heart.