A/N: So, looking over my rough outline of this story that I've written, it's gonna be about ten chapters, I think, if not, then more or less around that. Mind you, it's a really rough outline, and I've already changed things from its original slot.
Also, sorry for the late update, I have my half-yearly exams, I got some new books, the usual, plus I get side-tracked easily…
Warning: There are suicidal themes in this chapter, okay, so, like, just so you know before you go and tell me off about it…I might change the rating…shrugs…
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED.
Chapter Five
I'm Sorry
In a way, I never really look forward to the school holidays. I never do anything with the time and I spend most of it dreading going back to school. They're never really that great. Although, this time round, I'll probably spend a lot of the time with Athrun.
It's been two months since that night, the night I realized just how I felt about him, the night everything changed, and now we're closer than ever. We still don't act as if we were close at school, it would be such a hassle, once some gossip finds its way into circulation, the questions become unbearable. But outside school, we are inseparable.
These holidays my mum and dad are going to the caravan, the one we have near the beach, they go there a lot, but I never go with them. I just don't like it there. This is the first year I'm allowed to stay home by myself, usually my parents leave me at my grandmother's house, but this year they have deemed me old enough to stay home alone. They'll be gone for a week, which is half the holidays. A whole week without my parents. Pure bliss.
I watch them running up and down the house, frantically packing their last minute items. I flick the channel on the T.V. Ooh…Lord of the Rings is on…
"Goodbye sweetie." My mum says, pecking me on the cheek. "We'll be back in a week, okay?"
"Okay mum."
"Okay, I'll call you. Be good." And with that, they leave the house, closing the back door behind them. I listen as I hear the car start up and drive away. Free.
"Cool." I whisper. The whole house to myself…of course I'm not going to do anything stupid, I don't see any point in doing that. All I plan to do is hang around eating ice-cream and watching our endless supply of movies. Now that's what I call heaven.
I walk into the kitchen and open the freezer. My mouth waters. Mum has bought so much ice-cream. I take out a box and dish myself a generous bowl full. I plunk myself on the couch and set my eyes on the television screen as I dig my spoon into the frozen treat.
"Fly you fools."
Gandalf falls from the bridge of Khazad-dum.
"GANDALF!"
As the scene unfolded and I finished my ice-cream, someone knocked on the front door.
Reluctantly I got up, setting my empty bowl aside, keeping my eyes glued to the T.V. I opened the door.
"Hi Cagalli." Athrun greeted me cheerfully as I let him inside.
"'Lo," I replied, closing the door softly behind him, then returning to the couch, once again absorbed in the movie.
Athrun peered into my empty bowl and smirked. "Outta ice-cream there Cagz."
"I'd love some more, thanks." I said absently, shoving the bowl into his hands. "I can't believe this, poor Gandalf, he doesn't die does he?" I asked. I've always been one to talk during movies.
"No, he doesn't" Athrun replied from the kitchen, spooning my ice-cream into my bowl. "You should read the books, they're more descriptive than the movies, you know."
I rolled my eyes. Yeah right. Me, read books that long! Never in a million years.
"Shhh." I hissed.
He came back into the lounge room holding two bowls of ice-cream, I accepted mine with a smile, and then looked back at the T.V., spooning the ice-cream into my mouth.
"Just how long is this movie?" I asked, noticing that he was eating his ice-cream a little more dignified than me, well, everyone ate ice-cream more dignified than me, I practically inhaled it.
"'Bout three hours I think, and there's an hour or so left." Athrun replied.
"When do they destroy the ring?" I asked, I liked the movie, but it was starting to seem endless.
"In the third movie."
"Third! There are three!" I gasped. "That's way too much! They should just get rid of the damn ring already!"
"Well that is not how it went in the books, Cagalli." Athrun said patiently.
"Doesn't mean it's not stupid!" I argued, finishing my ice-cream, for the second time.
Athrun stared aghast at my empty bowl. "How can you possibly eat ice-cream so quickly, it's not human!"
I shrugged. "I like ice-cream."
I watched disinterestedly as the rain fell outside my window. My house was quiet, I would say eerily quiet. I hadn't turned the television on, nor the radio, or even the computer. Everything was simply quiet except for the rain pouring endlessly from the heavens.
My elbow rested on the window sill. The water slid down the glass, seemingly crying. My breath fogged the window as I breathed on the cold glass. I watched as it slowly dissipated, no sign of it ever being there. Thunder rolled through the clouds, enticing the lightening to strike in the far-away distance, a flash of blinding white in contrast to the dark, gloomy atmosphere the rain clouds created.
I didn't know how I felt in that moment. I was detached from the world. No longer a physical being. I felt hollow, a shell of myself. Was I real? Was I alive? Why don't I feel?
I don't understand. I never seem to be able to. Day by day, nothing, I'm hollowing out, my sadness and pain creating a black void in my soul, leaving nothing to hide it except her. She keeps me here, keeps me anchored.
I don't know who I am anymore. But, how can I not know? How had I forgotten who I am? Questions. That is all I have. Questions, without any answer in sight.
A tear slides down my cheek, warm against my chilled skin.
As always, the holidays slip by, almost unnoticed, proving I was right in my assumptions. And, as always, nothing really happened, except Athrun and I hanging around doing nothing. I never seem to be able to find anything to do. Boredom controls my life sometimes.
It's Friday now, I managed to live through the first week, only the remainder of today to endure. Breathe in, breathe out. Oh no. I hate Fridays. Sure, essentially, Fridays are okay, but if you look closer, they are the day before Saturday, which is the day before Sunday, which is the last free day before Monday, and I hate Mondays. Never a good day, I'm more inattentive on Mondays than any other day, still in weekend mode.
"Cagalli, what's the answer to number nine?" the question pierces through my thoughts, bringing me to the land of the wake. I blink at the teacher. Number nine? We were doing questions? "Number nine in the homework book, Cagalli, the answer?" he prodded.
"Oh, that, Umm…I don't have my book, Sir." I answered, it was partly true, I don't have a book, so I can't have done the work now could I?
"Really, Cagalli, I expected better from you, detention on Monday, come see me at the staff room at first break." I groaned. No, even more reason to loathe Monday. Why me?
"Why don't you ever do the homework, Cagalli?" Miriallia asked me as we left the classroom for the last lesson of the day, History elective. "It's not like its really hard or anything."
"Well, I don't have a book." I answered, leaning against the doorframe casually.
"Why not?" Miriallia asked me suspiciously.
"Didn't want one."
"You didn't want one! That is no excuse, no-one wanted one, but everyone else still bought one. You're really going to get into trouble Cagalli when he finds out about this, its second term and you still don't have one!"
"Really, Mir, it's no big deal, I don't care."
"'Sup." Kira greeted us, while we continued to wait for the teacher; she always managed to be late to class.
"Hi Kira," I said, happy for the diversion from the topic.
"Kira, tell Cagalli that we're supposed to buy a homework book, it's for the good of our education!" She was being way too passionate about this. I'll have to squash her motivation.
"Mir, drop it already! I'm not buying one; I don't care a flying fuck about my education, and Kira doest even care! Off topic!" That did it.
"So, how about that sliced bread?" Kira said idly.
Maybe I have anger management issues.
As Mir and I walked out the school gate together, Lacus came running towards me. I smiled and waved at her. She stopped in front of me, out of breath and clutching at her folder.
"Cagalli, I'm glad I caught you…" she gasped.
"I have to go; I'll miss my bus, bye Cagalli, bye Lacus." Miriallia said, waving and boarding her bus.
"So, what is it Lacus?" I asked curiously.
"I just heard. I couldn't believe it. It's so exciting!" She said breathlessly, I raised my eyebrows, she hadn't even told me what she's talking about. "You and Athrun! I never would have thought!"
My eyes widened in surprise. How did she find out? He didn't tell her did he? We had agreed to keep it quiet.
"Who told you?" I asked, the disbelief evident in my voice.
"Oh…well, that's the rumor that's going around school…" she said uneasily.
I just stared…our secret was out…but, how? I hadn't told anyone. That meant that Athrun had, right?
I was fighting myself. An ever-present battle within me. My body was plagued with shivers as I paced the bathroom. My hands were cold as ice and shaking, wrapped around my exposed skin. My hair was messy and in need of washing. The shower was running behind me, the water falling and disappearing down the drain pipe. I glanced at the mirror, its surface fogged up and obscuring my image.
Despair gripped at me, pulling me down, further and further away from myself. Everything was wrong. Everything was completely fucked up. The despair surged within me as I gazed at the pale face in the mirror. No. She can't.
She was just so annoying, so frustrating, I couldn't escape her, and now, just to make my life better, everyone knew about Athrun and I. I'll be plagued with question after question on Monday. Is this what she wanted? Was it all some kind of sick, twisted plan to destroy my life further? All part of the conspiracy against me. Great, now I'm mad with paranoia.
I was confused, I was disorientated, I needed something, anything, and my mind was a loud buzz of incoherent thoughts and worries, ready to act on the slightest impulse. I saw her. Without thinking, I attacked the mirror, smashing it with my bare hands, not realizing my own strength. The shards fell into the sink, smashing further to the ground, raining down upon me for a few moments, the sound oddly reassuring to my ears. I looked at my hands, covered in small cuts from the shards, some smaller pieces still imbedded in my skin. The crimson liquid flowed gently from the wounds, mesmerizing me, calming me.
I looked at the remains of the mirror; she was gone, for now.
I took a step back, hardly feeling my feet being cut from the mirror pieces that were scattered across the floor. My eyes were focused upon my blood, my maimed hands. I had done that, hadn't I? Not her…It was me, I broke her, smashed her to pieces.
I just didn't know anymore. I couldn't get a grip on my reality, on my thoughts, on how I felt, I wanted to cry, to let the tears fall, cascade down my cheeks forever. I wanted to crawl into some small crevice where no-one would ever find me and stay there forever, waiting, just forever waiting, for something, anything.
Fear crept over me, an inexplicable, unfathomable fear. Everything was caving in around me. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't think of what to do. I saw a shard of mirror near my foot, a few inches long. I bent down and picked it up, turning it over in my hands, feeling the sharp edge under my fingertips. I crept into the shower, the scolding hot water hitting my naked flesh, causing me to hiss. I sunk to my knees, the water now wetting my hair, dripping over my face, dropping onto the mirror shard in my hands.
I felt like I needed to do it, like it was the only thing that made sense, the only choice I could make. I felt my arm moving of its own accord, pressing the sharp edge of the shard to the pink skin of my wrist, piercing it, watching as blood began to seep from the cut, only to be washed away by the ever-constant fall of water from the shower. I pressed the edge to my wrist again, creating a second cut, but this time, I did it slower, drawing out the pain, relishing the feel, knowing it was real, it was me, I was doing it, I had the control. I cut deeper, it was blissful pain, relieving pain, a desperate attempt for some kind of stability, some kind of knowledge, while, at the same time, I knew it was completely wrong, I would be hurting so many if I went too far, creating a world of sadness for those I cared about. But I didn't care, I couldn't care, all I wanted was to hurt myself, inflict these wounds upon myself, make the pain I felt within me go away, however brief. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to die. I just needed relief, pain, distraction.
I was weak, letting myself do this, but I couldn't stop once I had begun, I just kept going, unaware of how much blood I had drawn, how many cuts I had created, how my strength was beginning to wane. But, slowly, I came to feel it, knowing I may have gone too far. The mirror shard fell to the shower's floor, still stained with my blood.
The sound of the water falling started to dim down. My eyes started to go foggy, my surrounding starting to blur. I knew I was smiling, for whatever reason. As if from a long distance away, I heard the door open; I heard my name being called. It was Athrun. He drew the curtains back.
"Cagalli!" he gasped, his eyes widening in horror.
Regret sunk into me instantly. Why? Why did I do it? For a few measly moments of relief? Look at his eyes, the hurt was deep; he didn't want this for me. I was unsure if I really truly wanted it for myself. Tears filled my already blurry vision. Sadness, I was surrounded by it. It's forced upon me, I force it upon others, and it's always there, lurking within the dark shadows of my mind.
Athrun climbed into the shower, turning it off, ceasing the fall of water I had become accustomed to, comforted by, my companion. He half-lifted me up, supporting my bare back with his hands.
"Athrun…" I whispered his name, so sweet on my lips, so pure, so right. I smiled. He was here, with me.
He embraced me tighter, his clothes soaking up the water from my naked form, but neither of us noticed because there was only the knowledge that I was weak, my blood still seeping from the wounds on my arm, and that we were together, as we should be.
Reaching some sort of decision, Athrun reached for the towel rack, grasping a towel and wrapping it around my body, which was rapidly losing its heat. Careful to avoid the shattered glass mirror, Athrun carried me out of the bathroom, holding me as if I were made of porcelain and could break at the softest touch. He laid me on my bed, regarding me solemnly. Disbelief was still etched into his features. I felt guilty, I had scared him, and he was still scared.
I shook my head slightly. The question was still circulating around my head. Why? Why did I do it? I didn't even know any more. I was as confused as ever. I was beginning to think it was a bad idea now.
"Cagalli…why?" he whispered, kneeling beside my bed, taking his warm hand in mine, which was now icy cold.
I took a shaky breath as he drew my doona up to my chin, trying to warm me up.
"I-I…" I wasn't sure of what to say, I wasn't even sure if I could form a proper sentence. The tears spilt from my eyes, falling to my pillow.
"I have to call someone…" He said, almost to himself, reaching into his jeans pocket for his phone.
"No…" I whispered. No-one could know, I couldn't possibly face my parents if they found out I had done this, I was their perfect little princess, I never did anything other than what they told me, never would they suspect me of doing this.
"Cagalli, you're hurt, I have to call for some sort of medical assistance…I can't let anything further happen to you."
"No…" I said, more firmly. "No-one must find out Athrun, please…you-you can't tell anyone about this…promise me…you won't…" With every word, my voice became weaker, but more desperate. I couldn't let him tell anyone, I had to hope he would keep it secret.
His eyes were a deeper shade of green as he answered me, filled with sadness and worry, all because of me. Against his better judgment, out of love for me, he answered "I promise."
"Thank…you…" I said, so softly, he had to lean in close to hear me.
He smiled, a small smile, full of grief and fear, the pain at seeing me this way only just being kept at bay.
"Don't worry Cagalli. I'll look after you, okay?" He said, wiping my wet hair from my face.
I was shivering still, even in the slight warmth of my bed. I could feel myself still barely holding onto consciousness, slipping further and further away. But I had to say something. I had to tell him.
"Athrun, I'm s-sorry." I whispered, pleading with him silently. "I-I…love you…"
Then I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness as soon as the words left my mouth, so I didn't hear the words he whispered, almost inaudible, but full of sincerity, full of emotion, his tears falling freely down his cheeks.
"I love you too…"
A/N: Not too happy with this chapter…but oh well…R&R!