Children Are Only A Blessing The First Time

By Fortexine

Xaldin was just trying to relax.

He had his first day off in weeks and he just wanted a bit of peace and quiet, was that too much to ask?

Xaldin was calmly strolling down the bleach white halls of the Castle That Never Was, (or the mecha huge castle that floated above the World That Never Was like some kind of fucked up alien space ship) thoroughly enjoying his day off while drinking a caramel Macchiato from the nearby Starbucks when he heard a soft whine. He stopped abruptly in front of a white door, a confused expression on his face, and listened hard for the sound again. Another whine came from the room and Xaldin realized that it was Marluxia's room. 'Hm, I guess flower boy finally found someone gay to screw,' Xaldin thought, a bit disgusted because of the moaning. But, something just…didn't seem right. By the sounds of it, the moaning seemed to belong to someone younger, like a toddler, not that Xaldin had any experience in dealing with the sound of a child's voice. The Whirlwind Lancer finally decided to check it out. He slowly opened the door, expecting (for strange yet obvious reasons) to find Marluxia and some man whore tangled together between bed sheets fucking like animals, but what he saw was far from that (thankfully).

The Graceful Assassin's room appeared to be empty, save for a spare cloak crawling on the floor-

Hold up.

What the bloody fuck?

Xaldin watched in disbelief as the cloak crawled in a haphazard circle before finally pulling it off, revealing Marluxia looking to be around the age of five with a huge scowl on his face. His hair was a darker brown and short to about his ears, and he was about three to four feet tall. But! One thing was very obvious: he was just so cute!

"M-Marly? What the bloody fuck happened to you?"

Poor little Marluxia could answer in the only way he could: with a high pitched sqeak

"That sonuva bitch Vexen spiked my coffee this morning cuz he wanted to test out this fucking potion that turns you into a fucking toddler! Why the bloody fuck did I have to be his test subject, huh? Huh! What the fuck did I ever do to him to fucking deserve this fucked up fate, huh! And so Xigbar and Axel find me and god knows what the fuck they were doing together, and they put me in mother fucking diapers! And you know what they fucking look like! THEY'RE PINK WITH GODDAMN FLOWERS AND BABY MINNIES ON THEM! Oh, but that's not all! Oh, no it's not. The diapers are scented. Yes. You heard me. SCENTED, GODDAMNIT FUCK! OMFGWTBBFQ! AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE A HUGE KNIFE FLINGING DUMBFUCK, IT MEANT 'OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK BAR BE FUCKING QUE!' I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD AND ANY DIETY UP THERE THAT OBVIOUSLY FUCKING HATES ME NOW THAT WHEN XIGBAR ANS AXEL COME OUT OF THAT BATHROOM, I'M GONNA FLING SHIT ON THEY'RE FACES, GODDAMMIT, FUCK!'

Xaldin stared in disbelief at the five year old Marly after listening to him rant. He inwardly laughed at the fact that Xigbar and Axel put diapers on a five year old. I mean really, who the hell does that? But Xaldin didn't have much time to ponder that, seeing as said members stepped out of the bathroom bickering about some shit or another.

"I think we should get him a dress! I mean, he's gonna be gay when he gets older, why not start him early?"

"Because, Xigbar! do you know how weird it would be for a little BOY to be walking around in a PINK GIRL'S DRESS?"

"…Funny?"

"..Jesus Christ man! You are evil to this poor little heartless child! Imagine how he feels?"

"…I'm guessing he feels oh so pretty?"

"Ok, that's it! You! Don't touch him!"

"Hi Xaldin."

"Wha-?"

Axel had just sropped arguing long enough to notice Xaldin was in the room with Marly in his arms. Marluxia, on the other hand, was trying to get out of Xaldin's arms and back onto the ground.

"Xaldin, dude, this looks like, uber gay. Stop. Put me down. Now."

Xaldin rolled his eyes and kept his hold on the now boy. He turned towards Xigbar and Axel with a mockingly serious face kinda like the close up he had in the second part of Beast's Castle. You know, when he kidnaps Belle? Yeah, that face.

"So men, what do we do now?"