She's Back Luby fanfiction

by Bostongirl1983

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Damn those day's.

It's been 2 years since Abby and Carter broke up. Carter left to Africa and Abby was the one who left behind.

She struggled herself trough med-school.

Since the brake-up, she never heard a word from him until now…

'Shit I slept trough again.' Was Abby's thought when she woke up and took a look at the alarm clock. In a hurry she grabs a shower and put some clothes on. On her way out she grabs a cracker.

"So you decided to come in today?" Said Kerry when Abby wasn't even in yet. "Sorry Kerry I overslept a little, please let me come in first." And she walks into the lounge.

"Hey Abby did you heard the big news?" She hears Susan say when she's putting on her lab-coat. "What news? Tell me suz!" Say's Abby when she grabs a cup of the deadly coffee from the lounge. "Carter is coming home today. So he didn't call you? Geez thought you were the first one to know." "Why the hell should he call me first? We broke up you know?" Is Abby's reaction.

"Sorry, just thought he would have called you." Says Susan when she leaves Abby behind.

So he's coming home and didn't even had the guts to call me. How would he be? What would bring him home? And more questions were running trough her mind when she was fixing up a 2-year old who fell out of his bunk bed.

"Abbs? Are you joining lunch with us?" Are the words that wake her out of her thoughts. "Yeah I'll be there in a sec Luka." And she starts stitching the kids head-wound. "So that looks a lot better. Of your go" And she looks how the young boy runs away. "Abby? Are you still considering lunch today or are you gonna wait till tomorrow?" "I'm coming suz, sorry I'm just not here with my mind." And she sighed in silence.

When they arrive in the ambulance bay they see this big fancy car pull up at Dog Magoo's.
"Geez who will that be?" Is Susan reaction. "Probably some fancy dick head who needs his shot of coffee, we should serve him one out of the lounge." Is Abby's sarcastic response.

"O god…" "No way this isn't true!" Susan and Elizabeth both are stunned. "What? What is it girls, can't see a thing over here!" Says Abby who can't see who's stepping out of the car cause Luka is standing in front of her.
"Move tall Croatian guy I wanna see!" And she pushes Luka away, he smiles at her and she smiles back.

"Fuck, no not him!" Is Abby's reaction when she sees that it's Carter who's standing next to the car holding the door for some one.

"Right this is not the one I wanna see today. I'm going in for lunch, you 2 can drawl at his car or whatever you're drawling of. Luka are you coming?" And she starts walking in the direction of Magoo's with Luka right behind her.

Outside Susan and Elizabeth are taking by breath when Carter walks up to them.

"Hello nice to see you two, was that Abby who was standing her just a second ago?" Are Carters words to both of them. "Nice to see you John, how are you? Well we both are fine thanks for asking. And yes that was Abby but if I was you I would stay out of her way." Say's Susan with a bit of anger in her tone.

"Great to see you back Carter. Bye!" Is Elizabeth response towards him and walks away.

Yes I love you….

6 weeks have past by since Carter's home coming. Abby tried to avoid him lots of times but today they have a shift together.

"God Luka why?" Says Abby when she tries to get out of the big comfortable bed. "Cause you need to pay bills and stuff." Is Luka's reaction.

"I could call in sick and stay in bed with you the whole day?" She says with that sneaky laugh around her mouth. "That's not an option. You have to go. And yeah it will be weird but you will get trough the night." He's sitting next to her on the bed he's watching how she's getting ready to hit the shower. She's perfect, her hair and her body…just everything.

"Hm thanks for diner, I'll be home early." And she kisses him on his cheek and walks out the door.

"Hello Randi, were is the rest?" "Most of the patients are in bed I think and Carter, Kerry and Pratt are having a big conversation in the lounge. Susan is already off and Deb is handling some motor mousses in exam 2" "Thanks I'll go help Deb." And Abby turned away from the desk and there he stood, just a few steps and she had to say something.

"Good to see you decide to attend your shift Dr. Lockhart." That was the only thing he good come up with after all the time? "Yeah well some of us don't live here." Was her reaction. Not a great start but she wasn't willing to give him something to crack up with.

It's a long night with not real ER-patients just a few drunks who crashed down the street and a couple of teens who had too much cocktails.

"Abby are you joining us for breakfast?" Ask Deb when their shift is over. "Yeah sure, just need to call Luka." "Right we'll meet you there."

Inside Luka was waiting for her to get home. It was the first time she called that she would grab a coffee after a shift. So it had to be not that bad as she thought. He heard her keys in the door.

"Hey handsome one" She says with sparks in her eyes. She loves it when she finds him at her couch with only a sweater and a jeans on his body. Not shaved and freshly showered. She crawled into his lap and smelled the aftershave she gave him for Christmas.

"So I guess your shift wasn't that worse was it?" He asked her. "Nah it was ok. I hooked myself up with Deb and he didn't really talked to me. Well he sure said something to me but to me as a doctor not as human being." "Well it has to be weird for him too, don't you think?" "I don't know what he thinks. I'm just glad he doesn't make a scene." And with that she closes her eyes and pretends like she's sleeping.

Back at Magoo's Carter is doing a quiz with Deb, he's asking her questions about what happened during his absent. "Are there any new love couples" Is his first question. "Uh….uhm yeah. Susan and Chuck are now officially married and having their first baby in a few months. Pratt and I hocked up. And we have Neela and Gallant as youngest couple." She tries to avoid the Abby and Luka relations, she's just not the one to tell him that. "And what about Abby? How is she doing?" "Fine. Not much to tell about. You know she graduate. That's the only big news." "So she's still single? Can't imagine that." He says with this thing in his eyes. "Tell me Deb who's the one who stole her?" "Well first, I don't think he stole her. He loves her and she loves him. Like they used to love each other. And they are really happy together." She sighs. "So she's with him. Great now I hate him even more." He stand up and leaves Deb behind.

"Abbs, you know I love you, don't you?" "Yeah I know, what's up?" "Nothing just wanted to check that." She slaps a pillow on top of his head. He grabs her wrist and looks into her eyes. You could just drown in those eyes. Wide and open. "Luka stop day dreaming, your shift starts in 45 minutes." And suddenly he's aware that she's right there.

Us, Them and we..

It's Christmas and for the first time since ever Kerry Weaver Chief off staff has arranged a party in a fancy restaurant. She closed the ER for 14 hours in a row to have all the doctors, nurses and the rest of the gang in one party.

"God this place looks beautiful! Look at this suz, have you ever seen a entrance like this" Says Abby when Susan, Chuck, Luka and Abby step inside. "No never. Geez…how did she managed this?" Is Susan response. "I dunno but it's great!"

The whole evening was beautiful everyone was there except Carter nobody had heard from him and nobody knew where he was.

It was almost time to give away the presents and they all gather round the fire place. And suddenly everyone attention was at the main door. There he was a big entrance with some stunning lady.

"Evening every one of you, sorry for running a little late but we had some other party first. By the way this is my wife Lucy, some of you know her cause she was one of our med-students couple of years ago. I met her when I was back in Africa and there was still the little spark we had back then." The words were running out of his mouth. Every one was stunned with this surprise and nobody said a word. Just complete silence.

After a few minutes Abby stood up," Well John congratulations to both of you. We, she said when she looked at Luka, have also some news to tell you. We are having a baby." And she sat back. Susan choked in her drink and Deb kind of fainted. "So congratulations to both of you too." "Shall we unwrap those presents now? We have to open an ER in a few hours." Said Kerry to her staff.

When Susan and Abby made their way to Susan's apartment Susan asked her why she didn't told her she was pregnant. "Well we just heard the news today and I wanted to surprise you all." "You sure did that." "Yeah I only didn't thought Deb would actually faint. For the record do you know that Lucy kid? She seems quite young." "She was his first med-student, she also was the one who almost died in a stabbing during a valentine party in the ER. The one where John was in too." "O' so they share a bond...well if he's happy it's his right." "Do you want to come in or are you going home?" "Nah I'm going home got this shift tomorrow morning and I wanna be there when Luka arrives." "Right, sleep tight!" "You too sweety!"

"Luka is that you?" Abby's voice is weak when she hears some one at the door. But there's no answer. He took his keys so he could come in. "Abby let me in, we need to talk. You slut open the fucking door!" It's Carters mad voice. "Carter go away or I'll call the police." "Don't you dare to call them you whore." And with that he bounces into the door witch opens up….

And I have a bad day…

"Wake up Abby, wake up." She heard Luka's voice somewhere, real close. "Luka?" She swallowed and tears were running down her cheek. "Abby it's fine, I'm right here with you." "Luka Carter was here, look at the door Luka he bounced it" Abby kind of panicked. "Nothing happened Abby you just had an awful nightmare. Come, come to bed." "O Luka it was just so real. I can't go to bed I need to work the early shift." She said and crawled into his arms. Just feeling his arms around her and his body close to hers gave the rest she needed.
"Well we could discuss baby names if you like?" He needed to get her mind of that nightmare or it will break her down just like months ago. Months ago she broke down because Maggie hung herself and Abby found her. She was so fragile but also strong. She helped her brother Eric with every thing she could. But the nights were bad, real bad. She had the most horrible nightmares and screamed to every one who came around her.

"Yeah we could, just need to fresh myself I look like a mess." She stood up and walked towards the bathroom.

"Right what do you think of Mag, Maria, Marra or something?" "No Luka that's not a right name for this child." "Uhm…Helen, Vicky, Blossom, Christel, help me Abs I don't know!" "Christel sounds lovely. What about boy's names? Michael? Mark? Joseph?" "Joseph I love that!" "So it will be Christel if it's a girl and Joseph if it's a boy." She smiled but he saw she was in pain. Inside he knew this wasn't over yet.

"Morning Abby, how are you?" Asked Susan when Abby made her way into the ER. "Fine, but leave me alone please." "Well some one didn't had a good night sleep." Yelled Pratt out of the lounge. "Shut up Pratt and just let me do my job and let me go home after wards." She yelled back. Entering the lounge she opened her locker and put on her lab coat. "Abs, what's going on?" Asked Neela who was right behind her. "Nothing Neela just leave me alone." She said with tears in her eyes. "Think it's better…" Neela had no change finishing her line. "Leave me alone Neela or are you deaf? Just leave me alone!" She yelled. Neela was shocked Abby had never yelled at her before, she was always there for Abby and backwards. Please not again, she can't handle this again…thought Neela.

"Exam 2 needs you Abby." Said Kerry when she found Abby outside in the ambulance bay sitting on the bench. "I'll be there in a minute." Abby said with a piece in her throat. "Everything ok?" "Yeah I'm fine thanks Kerry." And again she fought against her tears.

I've fought the battle once before…

"Jerry, can you give me Luka's number please?" Asked Kerry when she came back inside. She felt Abby wasn't fine. "Luka, It's Kerry. Could you come over I need to talk with you." Said Kerry when Luka picked up the phone. "What's wrong Kerry? Something happened with Abby?" "Not really Luka but I think it's better if you could come." "I'll be there in 15 minutes." "I'll be in my office. Bye." And Kerry hung up the phone.

"Abby, could you call the OR?" Asked Pratt. "You can do that yourself, I'm not one of the nurses." She answered with an angry tone in her voice. "Sorry! Thought this was your patient." "I don't give a damn." She turned around and walked towards the lounge. No, not again. I can't do this once more..why me? She asked herself with tears in her eyes. "Jerry can you say to the others that I'm not feeling well and I'll be in the lounge to work on paperwork." "Yeah it's fine Abby."

In the meantime in Kerry's office.
"Luka, it's about Abby. I've got this feeling that's she's not quit herself at the moment. Is there something I need to know?" "I know. She had this nightmare were Carter bounced in to the door. And I think she's just not in a state of working. But she doesn't listen." He knew this wasn't good, he felt like he be trait her. But he wanted for her to be ok. "So, she's back on the nightmares, screaming to her colleagues and crying in the ambulance bay. It's back isn't it?" "I think so. I just wish I could do something to give her a bit of stability in to her life, a bit of courage to hang on to but what ever I do she just can't get over." "It wasn't nothing what happened Luka. I mean this isn't something you forget in a few month or a year. This will make her how she's coming to be in the future. It's not Abby anymore. She's not the doctor whom loved her work and her patient. Right now she's a bitch." "So what will you do Kerry?" Don't dismiss her, she's not worth that. "I think, for her own best, it's a wise decision to take therapy. And if she doesn't agree I need to discharge her, and that's something I really don't want to do. But this is not good for the ER and her colleagues." "I know." "I'll call Jerry to send her up."

"Abby?" Asked Jerry when he entered the lounge. "Yeah." She answered back, looking up from her paperwork. "Kerry called if I wanted to send you up." "Thanks." Why, why would she wants to speak to me? I'm a good doctor, or not? I'm a nice colleague, or not?

Kerry's door was open and Abby walked inside. "Luka? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you had the day off?" She said when she saw Luka sitting in Kerry's office. "Abby please take a seat, we need to talk to you." Said Kerry. "You allready did I asume. So just tell me what you want Kerry." Said Abby. Don't discharge please, I'll be a good doctor again I promiss. "Well, we think it's for your own best to follow some therapy counseling Abby. I know you think you're better but you are yelling at colleaques and mumbering towards our patients. And that's not what we want and not what you want. I know that you are a really good doctor and a really good person but at this moment you aren't the Abby we know." "I know. But I'll be better in a few days. I didn't slept that well that's all." Was Abby's excuse. "Abby come on face it. You know what's happening." Said Luka when he laid his hand on her knee. Don't Luka...I don't wanna cry in front of Kerry. I have to be strong. "It's...it's back I think." There it was loud and clear, she finnaly admitted that something was wrong. "Abby, I'm happy in a way that you can say this out loud. I'll hope you will take therapy counseling cause I don't want to lose you, as person and as doctor." Said Kerry. "I'll do it. I need it otherwise this kid will grow up with a fucked up mom. And I don't want to that to her or him." She said with tears in her eyes. "Right, we will make some arrangements and I'll call you when it's done." "Thanks Kerry for not disscharge me." And she stood up. Luka followed her and they walked out of the office. "Abby, goodluck." Said Kerry, she turned her head towards Kerry and gave her a weak smile. "Thanks." And they were gone.

This is a letter Abby wrote to the staff of the ER before she's leaving.

My story,

Dear gang,

I'm writting this letter to all of you cause I'm not able to say it face to face.

I allready started writting this letter 12 times but in a way I just can't really find the right words. But I need to give you something...so this is my last try.

As you all know I'm not myself lately...I'm not the doctor I want to be, not the colleaque I want to be, not the friend and lover who I want be. It's a mess in my head. It's like there's this open wound that won't heal.

So I'm going to work on that and won't be around for a while.

It's not goodbye, just think that I'm on a long vacation, I'll be back before you know.

Who's Abby...

At the moment a bitch. Really I see that for myself. I scream at my most beloving family, yeah that's you guys. All of you were there for me when things weren't going well. You all helped me when I was fighting against my mom and brother. And you all have been there when my mom commited suicide, even when I was not myself right there.

Months have past, and still I've got this thing on my mind that's making me sick. (Yeah at the moment it's most the pregnancy I quess.) Last week I had a nightmare and it all came back. Everything.

Right...need to say this, will be hard but I need. I'm having a temporary nervous breakdown. Allthough temporary seems forever. I'm taking meds but they make me sleepy, so I skipp them sometimes and then I'm Abby the Bitch. But now I'm pregnant I can't take the meds any longer so the Bitch will stay. And that's something that will only heal by talking about the pain.

And yes I know you all want to listen to me, help me, support me and do everything that your able to do for me. But that won't help. I need to have a break and I have to talk about it with someone who can really help me.

So pleasse don't think I'm leaving you all, I'm really coming back.

Luka will give Jerry a adress to send postcards or fruitbasketts or any thing. But don't come to visit me, I really don't want that.

My dearest friends I'll miss you all. And just remember that when I'm back the real Abby is back.

Take care,

Yours Abby.

Ps. Suz...please don't cry be strong. I am!

When you feel hope is gone
and everything's wrong
everything you do creates a storm
hold on, hold on

When the worlds gone mad
you're living in a frown
everything you do is taking you down
hold on, hold on.

Cause love's just around the corner
living a heart-beat away
love's just around the corner
and when it comes, when it comes
it's going to stay

When your love's gone astray
you're fighting every day
you wake up in the morning
you don't know if you'll stay
hold on

When you feel so alone
you can?t believe he?s gone
your friends try and tell you it's time to move on
hold on, hold on

'Cause love's just around the corner
living a heart-beat away
love's just around the corner
and when it comes, when it comes
it's going to stay

Not go away
not go away
love's just round the corner
just a heart-beat away

I'm in writing mood so yet another update! Jadestar, Lisa Chappell is a great singer and writer! I totally love her.

It's only a couple of weeks since Abby left. Luka had a hard time taking her cause at the last moment she made up her mind and didn't want to go. He convinced her that it was for her one best and that he would come in to see her as fast as he could.

LUKA
Luka woke up and looked at the empty spot next to him in their wide bed. He missed her in the mornings, the afternoons and the evenings but at night he missed her the most. He missed her head on his chest, her hands on his stomache. Her lips on his, her smell, her words. He just missed her.

The telephone rang and Luka answerd. "Morning, it's Chuck. I've some news for you." "Morning yourself. What's the news?" "Susan delivered a beautifull baby girl. 6pound and only 34centimeters." Luka heard Chuck's pride in his voice. "Congratualtions to both of you!" "Thanks, but Susan asked if you could come over. She wants to tell you something." "I'll be there in a hour. I just woke up." "Right I'll tell here that. See you." "Bye."

After he hung up the phone his thought were back on Abby. What would she be doing right now...what would she wear, how would she smell. He needed to visit her and he was planning to get Susan and the baby with him. That would make her smile.

Luka arrived at Susan's appartment and Chuck was standing outside smoking. "She's in the bedroom." "Thanks.
"Hey mom congratulations! Let me see the princess." "Thanks Luka. Isn't she the most beautiful child in the world?" Said Susan with those little sparks in her eyes. "Yeah she is. So what up your mind? Chuck said you wanted to tell me something?" "Yup, it's about her name. We thought Abigail would be a good name for her. And I only wanted to tell you that so you could tell it to Abby, we allready have a picture taken for her so if you're going to visit her you can tell her something nice." Susan had tears in her eyes. This was something she wanted to share with her best-friend. She missed Abby like hell.
"I will Susan. But you could tell it herself. I thought it would be nice to visit her in a few day's and I thought it would be great for her to see the baby and you." Luka laid his arm around Susan, he knew this was also hard for her. "Think so. What about Friday?" "Friday is fine. I'll pick you up at 10 allright?" "Yeah that's fine. Luka thanks for coming over, you know I appriciate that." "I do Susan. But I got to go. Work is calling." "Right, say hi to every one. Thanks again." "Your welcome, and I'll see you Friday." "Bye."

Abby.
My scedule is tight. At 7 they wake me up and they pump in something called breakfast. I'm not used to eat something before noon. After that I'm allowed to take a shower for only 10 minutes and god that's awfull short.
The days are always the same. Grouptherapy, creativetherapy and a little self therapy. Then there are the nights. I don't sleep cause all I can do is think about him. I miss him so much he can't even imagine.

Yesterday I had a letter from Suz, o god I just hope she's doing fine. She wrote that she misses me. I miss her too. She's my best-friend a long lost sister. I just wish I'll be back before she's going to delivre her baby. I need to be there with her.
"Good Afternoon Dr. Lockhart." Said Dr. Mitchells. "Hello". "Ready?" "Yeah I think so." "So Dr. Lockhart you are here now for a few weeks. Can you tell me what you miss the most? Or who?" "Sure I can. I miss my work, my colleaques and my freedom. And I miss my Luka and Susan." "And what does it mean that you miss them? Do you just miss talking to them or what?" "It's not only talking. I just miss them being around. I can't stand it that Susan is almost going to deliver her baby without my support. And I miss it that I won't be able to pick out baby stuff for my own baby. I miss going out with Luka, sleeping with Luka just everything with Luka. I hate it that I can't shower for an hour or so. Just little things you know." "I get it. Well I've got some news. This Friday you're allowed to have your first visit. So you can hold on to that." "Thanks! That's so great!" I smiled. For the first time I'm in I smiled! And from that moment I knew I would be ok.

Chuck called, he cryed. Susan deliverd her baby, it's a girl! I hate it that i wasn't there for her. Chuck said she couldn't get to the phone causse that would be too much right now, o'god I miss her.
I wrote this little poem for the baby girl.

the day glitters
you are born
secured in generous hands
no moment
more without you

audibly
visible
you are here new life
family tender
and tremendously
unforgettable

your way lies open
to be a human
of love
live your life
each day always more

go on a path
as lift
you'll come over ups and downs
be a friend
make choices
as everything is blury
there will be protection
around you

Girl,
You are beautifull
Just the way you are

Abby

Abby woke up at dawn. It was dark outside, the only light that entered her room was the moonlight. She looked outside, tried to count the stars. Imagining Luka was watching the same stars.
Today it's Friday, first visit day. She hoped Luka did get her message cause he wasn't at home when she called him so she left a message on his machine.

At 11 it was visit time, Abby looked at her alarm-clock it was just 5.30 in the morning. She laid back on her bed trying to remember how he smelt, how he laughed and how he kissed. It seemed like forever when she had seen him.

"Abigail Lockhart, breakfast is ready." The nurse woke her, allthough she wasn't a sleep. "I'll be there in a minute." She said back and got out of bed.

10.45. God just 15minutes and he will be here. Why is time going so slow! "Abby will you pleasse listen to Ralph, he listend to your story too." Said Dr. Mitchells. "Sorry." And Abby tryed to focus her attention to Ralph's story.

Luka
Luka pulled up in front of the hospital. "Are you ready Susan?" He looked at her and saw that she smiled. "Yeah let's go. I just want to hug her." Said Susan.

Abby
Abby was waiting in the meeting-room on the first level of the hospital, this was the only place where you were allowed to smoke.
She saw him walking around his car when she looked out of the window. There was someone else with him but she couldn't find out who it was. He was carying something but she couldn't tell what it was. The worst things run threw her mind.

Luka
"Hello. I'm Luka Kovac I'm coming to visit Abigail Lockhart." He said to the security guy at the admitt. "Try the first level meeting-room. That's the only smoking-area." He said without looking back at Luka. "Thanks." And Luka walked over to Susan. "She's up. Come on."

Abby
Right her I am sitting at a chair nervous tiking with my fingers at the table. Breath in, breath out. For gods sacke it's just Luka!
At that moment the door swung open and there he was. My tall handsome Croatian guy. I stood up and runned as fast as I could and jumped into his strong arms. He smelt like I remembered, he laughed like I remembered. It seemed like I just saw him yesterday.

Luka.
Why the hell am I so nervous? It's Abby, just good old Abby. My friend and lover. The woman he fell in love with the first time he laid eyes on her.
He opened the door and there she was, looking up and giving him the most expensive look she had, her smile. She almost flew into his arms.

Abby.
"Luka, I'm so happy to see you, I missed you so much." She sighed. She looked into the hall and saw some one standing a few steps away from her and Luka. "Who's there? Suz? Is it you?" She asked to the person who was standing. "Abz!" And Susan started walking towards her when she reached Abby, Abby saw that she was holding a baby. "Abs, this is my daughter." Said Susan and she handed over the little baby girl. "O' Suz she's beautiful! What's her name?" "It's Abigail, we wanted to give her a strong and powerfull name. And that's Abigail." "Suz...geez I'm stunned."

Susan
I'm said Luka I would wait so he could spend some personal time with Abby first. So here I stand, in the hall of pshycial hospital with 5 day old daughter. From a distance I wacht them hug and kiss. I can see her, and right now I trully feel I missed her. She's looking at me with that smile she has, it's priceless and I've never seen a smile like that before. She sees me and ask who I'm. I walk up to her and she noticed I'm not allone. A name, she's asking what my daughters name is. "It's Abigail, we wanted to give her a strong and powerfull name. And that's Abigail." That's all I can come up with but there is so much more. We chose it causse I'ts Abby's original name and because she has always been there for me when I needed her the most. This name stands for my best-friend Abby a strong person, a very good friend, a woman who can handle every thing, who can be there for you when you need some one. Even in the middle of the night. And she. She's my lost soul sister. And I know if something happends to Chuck and me, Abby will be there for my daughter.

2 months had past and Luka didn't went to visit her again. When he visited her with Susan she cryed so hard that he couldn't put her trough that again. He called every week to talk with her, disguss more baby names and stuff.
But today he was going to take her home. She fought the battle and won it. As hard as it was she fought and won, he was so proud. He'd cleaned the house and put some fresh flowers in the livingroom. Susan, Deb and Neela decorated the house with a banner in front of the door. Allthough Abby asked to not be there when she got home, they stayed.

Abby.
God today I'm going home. Back in the world. I won. I did it. I found the strength to carry on and leave this all behind.
I just hope the girls will be there, I know I said to them I didn't want to but I just need to see them. I missed them.
Geez...Luka is allready here!

"I'm coming to bring Abby home." He said to Dr. Mitchell when he entered into her office. "Take a seat, I think she will be here soon. Do you like some coffee or tea?" "No thanks."
"Abigail, come in and take a seat." Said Dr. Mitchell when Abby entered the room. "Hey hun." Luka said. She smiled, that what she had been doing since the day she heard that she was allowed to go home today. "So, Abigail. I wish you all the luck you need and I hope your coming to show your baby when it's arrived. Take care. And don't forget to call when it's not going well." Dr. Mitchell stood up and gave Abby a hand. "Thanks Dr. Mitchell, and I will show my baby boy or girl. Thanks for every thing." She stood up and Luka followed her.

Outside Abby stopped walking and turned around. Luka who walked behind her bumped into her. She wrapped her arms around his wrist and looked into his eyes. He bent and kissed her.
"Luka I missed you so much, you can't even imagine." "I missed you too. And I think I can imagine." He lifted her up and walked towards the car.

It was a short drive from the hospital to there home. When the pulled up their street she saw the banner. "O hell who did that?" She laughed. "A, your girls. They were so disapointed that you wouldn't want them to be there so they decorated the house for you. It was that or they would clinch them selves to the maindoor." Luka tryed not to laugh but he had little tears in his eyes. "Great...just great." She nodded.

"Welcome home sweet." Luka said when he unlocked the door and opened it. "wow. Did you had someone to clean it for you? Or is this the wrong house?" She said when she stepped into the mainhall and the floor shined like he never had done before. "No, I can do more than play doctor." He said and kissed her on the top of her head.
Abby opened the door into the livingroom. "Why is it so dark in here?" And she switched on the lightbutton. "SUPRISE!" Was screamed by Deb, Susan and Neela. "I'm stunned." And Abby walked over to them and hugged them all.

After her friends left Abby was so tired. When she finally reached the couch she crawled into Luka's arms and put her head to his chest. "Luka, I love you." She said and looked into his eyes. "I love you too Abby." He said and took a look into her eyes. She closed them and within 5 minutes she slept like a rock.
After half an hour of watching her sleep he lifted her up and walked upstairs towards their bedroom. He took of her clothes and tucked her in. After he watch her some more minutes sleeping he laid down next to her and she automaticly crawled up to him. He closed his eyes and smelt her hair. It smelt like he rememberd, she was back.

After a week of getting used to be home again it was time for Abby to go back to work, she had only 2 weeks left before she was going on maternity leave. She had visit Dr. Coburn 2 days back and the baby looked perfect. The doctor had asked them if they wanted to know the sex but they didn't want to know, it had to be a surprise.

"Abby, wake up it's time to get up." Luka said when he came out of the bathroom. "Yeah yeah I'm coming." She unwrapped the blanket from herself and stood up. "You know you look so beautiful right now." Luka kissed her stomach and then her nose. "Thanks but I don't feel that way. I'll take a shower and see you down stairs." She said and walked away.

"Welcome back Abby!" Said Jing-mei when Abby entered the lounge. "Thanks! Only half shifts and just 2 weeks. Can count the days." Abby said when she put on her lab-coat. "So ready to go back to work?" "Not really, I loved it to lie in bed until noon. But think it's the best way." And she smiles. "Great to see you didn't lose your smile." And Jing-mei walked out.
Abby staid a little while in the lounge waiting for nothing.

"Abby 1 trauma coming in. Shot in the head. Probably suicide attempt." Jerry said to her when she came out of curtain 3. "Right I'll get it." And she walked outside to the ambulance bay. "White male, single shot in the head, BP over 90, down for already 15 minutes." Said the ambulance doctor.

"One push of epi. CBC, ECG and get Corday." Abby said when they were examing the patient. She had looked at his face and immediately noticed who he was. It was Ralph. "Abby call it. You've been working on him for 60minutes." She heard Haleh say. "Stop cardiac compressing." Abby said and then a long beep filled the room. "Time of death 11.30." Abby said and walked out.

"Are you ok?" Luka asked when he found her on the roof. "Yeah it was just weird seeing Ralph and pronounce his death. It could have been me if I didn't go into therapy you know." And then the tears started running. "Come her." And Luka took her into his strong arms. "I just lost it. Desperate to save him. You know." She said when the crying was over. "I understand. Come one, lets go down and talk with Kerry. You can't work like this." He took her hand and she followed.

Kerry thought it was also a wise decision to get Abby home and start working after the baby was born. So Luka asked Susan to pick her up and go shopping for baby stuff.

"Suz, thanks for getting me. It just grabbed me." And she hugged Susan. "It's Ok Abby. These are just the hormones talking. You'll be all right once you deliver that baby. Come one it's time to lunch." And they walked into a tiny restaurant. After lunch, they went to a baby store and bought a lot of clothes and other baby stuff. They laughed and talked, it was like Abby never went in therapy. She was good old Abby again.

Five years later.

I stopped working after I gave birth to my daughter Susen. Luka and I married 2 years ago and we moved to New York. Luka has a great job as chief of staff in New York-Presbyterian Hospital. He loves it their. Although we have a great life here in New York I miss Chicago. Not only Chicago but also Susan, Chuck and their daughter Abigail.

"Mommy when is Aunt Susan coming with Gail?" Susen asked me for the third time this morning. "Soon sweety. Eat breakfast first." I say to her. Today Susan is coming over with Chuck and Abigail. They are spending Christmas with us and New Year's Eve. We haven't seen each other for a while, well the last time we saw each other was at our wedding 2 years ago.

"Come on Susen get in the car." I say while she's picking up a leaf from the street. "Mommy why can't Gail and I play more?" She asks. "Just get in the car will you. We need to go to the airport to pick them up." I say ignoring her question, she knows why. "Mommy why is dad not at home?" "Susen please! You know daddy has to work today." "Right mommy. And mommy why is Gail not living a bit closer?" "Susan…it's early please can we talk about this another time. I know she's your friend sweety but Aunt Susan and Uncle Chuck have their work in Chicago." She nods and looks out the window. Thank god, she doesn't have more questions.

At the airport, we rush our way trough the people. We wait for a while and then I see Abigail running towards us. I search for Susan and Chuck but can't find them. "Aunty Abby!" She screams when she is near us. "Hey sweety where are your mom and dad?" I ask her. "Getting our suitcases. Hey Susen, wow your hair is like gold!" She says when she sees Susen. "Gail I've got 2 new Barbie's for my birthday! We can play with them in my room. And I've Finding Nemo on DVD!" Susen tells her. "Cool Finding Nemo is the best!" "Come on girls we need to find Susan and Chuck before they go nuts about losing you Abigail." And I take their hands.

"Suz!" I yell when I see her searching for her daughter. "Abs. O thank god you found Abigail." She says and we hug and kiss. "Hey Abby." Its Chuck. I also hug and kiss him.

We arrive at our house and Susan is gazing at it. "Abs..It's huge! It's like a castle." She says with her mouth open. She's right the house is big. It has 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, a big kitchen, dining room, a huge living room and a beautiful garden. "I know. It's a marvellous house to live in. I fell in love with it." I tell her. "Come on I'll show you around. The kids can play in the garden or in Susen's room." I open the door and with the look on Susan's face I think she's almost losing it.

After I show them the house, we grab a coffee and sit in the living on our way to comfortable couch. The kids are watching a movie in the family room. "So how are you two doing?" I ask. "Fine. I still work at county and every one still misses you and Luka. Before I forget, Kerry said hi. The other too by the way. Chuck was the home stayed dad but now Abigail is going to school he picked up working. He's a ambulance paramedic now. What about you and Luka?" Susan asks. "I still miss Chicago and County everyday. If it was me we moved back today. But Luka loves his job and the hours are nice. He has shifts from 8 till 4 or from 4 till 12, no night shifts. Its so relaxing. Susen is doing well at school has lots of friends but everyday she asks for Abigail. And me, I'm the home stayed mom. Still am. I haven't really looked for a job. I don't want to be a doctor any more. All those nasty hours you make. Thinking about a job in a office or something like that." "And physically?" She's still the good old Susan. "Off my meds. Not having nightmares or anything like that. Eric is stable, thank god!" And it's true since Eric is stable my life is normal.

"Mommy dad is coming!" Susen yells from the family room. "Ok kiddo!" I yell back. "A intercom system would be handy for you." Chuck laughs. "Yeah…well normally she isn't allowed to yell." "Luka!" Susan says when he opens the door. "Hey!" And they kiss each other. "Chuck." They shake hands. "Hey hun. How was your day?" I ask him when he kisses my forehead. "Ok. Had some new residence to work with. What's for dinner?" He says. "I was thinking about ordering Chinese." "That's fine. Where is Susen?" "In the family room watching a movie with Abigail." "Right I'm in there to see them." And he walks away.

Later that night Susan and I are in the kitchen and Luka and Chuck are doing something on our laptop. "Abs. I'm pregnant." She tells me. "Congrats Suz! How long?" "6 Months. I was planning to call you but I wanted to tell you in person." "I'm happy for you Suz! Do you know the gender?" "Yeah. It will be a boy." She smiles. "How sweet!" And I hug her.

"Don't you want more kids Abs?" She asks me. "Well I wish I could." "O shit. Sorry…I totally forgot." She looks at me with her big blue eyes. "Its Ok Suz. I passed that chapter. And I'm happy for you and Chuck." And I really am but inside I feel the empty spot.

I always wanted more children then one. But with giving birth to Susen I was bleeding internal and they had to remove my uterus. It was that or my dead. Luka made the decision.

I let go a few tears and Susan notice them. "Oh Abby I really am so sorry. Come her." And again she is there to comfort me. Again its Susan who's with me. And again I realize how much I miss her. "Suz, I wrote something for you." "Tell me Abs." "Its upstairs. Come on." We walk the up to my own little room in this big house. It is my hiding place when I need some time alone. It's the place where I think of life, about my friends, my family and all the other stuff. In that little room I started writing poems.

"Sit down Suz." I tell her. I'm nervous cause it's the first time someone will hear a poem I wrote. I clear my throat and start.

"You are my beautiful sunshine,
When the sky is grey of the rain.
You can always make me smile,
When my heart is full of pain.

You've got a special place in my heart,
Because you mean so much to me.
If you'll never break my heart,
Is that the place where you'll forever be.

Every time I think of you,
A smile appears that doesn't want to go away.
So I'm happy from morning until evening,
Because I think of you the whole day.

Come to me when you're sad or in trouble,
I'm always there for you.
I hope you'll never forget me,
For I'll never forget you!

"Mommy I can't sleep." Susen is standing next to our bed with her care-bear. "Why not hun?" I ask her. "Gail is snoring. Real loud." "Want to sleep with me?" "Yes mommy." And she climbs in our bed and shuffles between Luka and me.

"Abby, It's 8.30 time to get up." Luka says when he's trying to wake me. "I'm coming. I'm coming." "You said the same thing half an hour ago. Come one." And he pulls a way the sheets.

"Morning Abs." Susan says when I walk into the kitchen. "Morning. Sorry for not having breakfast ready." I apologize. "No worries. Luka made breakfast with Susen and Abigail." I blink my eyes, the kitchen looks like a robbery took place in it. "I see." And let go a deep breath. "Mommy, you snore even louder than Gail!" Susen tells me when she enters the kitchen. "I'm sorry hun." I kiss her hair. Not showered and smelling like pancakes. "No worry mom I'll sleep with Gail tonight and put Bear against my ear." She smiles and runs of. "I'm going to hit the shower. I'll be back soon." And I turn around and drag myself up the stairs. Way to much drink last night Abs…way to much. In the bathroom I look in the mirror and goose-bumps are coming up when I see myself. My own little girl saw me like this, like the old one they all knew before. Come on Abby behave tonight, I tell myself.

"Everything ok in there?" It's Susan her voice. "Yeah I'm fine thanks." "Are you sure Abs?" "Yes." But I'm not. I don't hear her walk away so she still stands at the door. Shit, I can't go out like this. She will notice the scars in a second. And she's just not the person who needs to see them. Even Luka hasn't seen them.

"Abby, you can come out now." Second time Susan asks me. "Go down Susan I'll be there in a sec." "Your not getting rid of me like that Abs. I know something is up. Open the door." "I'm fine. Believe me Suz. I'm. Just go." "I'm not leaving." Great this is a game we played once before.

This all happened a few years ago when we both didn't had a husband nor a child. We went out on girls night with Deb. I drank to much and Susan stayed the night with me to look after me. She didn't know, she couldn't know. I hadn't told her.
When she woke and noticed I locked myself in the bathroom she bounced it open to find me sitting on the bath room floor with a razor in my hand and blood on my arms. She is the only one that knows what I did to myself to make me feel an other pain than the pain I had.

"Abby I give you one minute. If you don't open the door I'll get Luka." That's it. I unlock the door before I fell down in tears on the floor. "God Abby." She knows. Again she's there for me and helps me. She makes an excuse for Luka so I can stay in the bed room for a bit longer. I know I'm hurting her with it and I don't want to. I really don't but I just can't help myself.

Susan POV.

I go upstairs she's been there for half an hour.
"Everything ok in there?" I ask her when I notice the bath room door is still locked. "Yeah I'm fine thanks." She says. "Are you sure Abs?" "Yes." I know she's not. I stay at the door to try to find out what she's doing.

"Abby, you can come out now." I ask her again. "Go down Susan I'll be there in a sec." "Your not getting rid of me like that Abs. I know something is up. Open the door." "I'm fine. Believe me Suz. I'm. Just go." "I'm not leaving." Cause I know she's not fine. I feel something is wrong. I just don't hope it's that what happened years ago when she was still a nurse and I just came back to Chicago.

'It was a long shift and Deb asked us to go out and have a few drinks with her. We both said yes. I didn't know about her history as a addict. She had way too much cocktails and couldn't go home by herself so I went with her. The next morning she locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't open it. I bounced it and broke a rib. I found her sitting on the floor leaning against the wall. A razor in her left hand and her right arm covered with blood. It was right there and then that she touched my heart. From that moment, I knew I had to be her friend to help her get trough this. I helped her to clean the wounds and I put her back in bed and called the hospital to let them know Abby wasn't able to work the whole week. Every day of that week I visited her, she didn't talk but she wrote it all down. I wrote her back and made her something eat and comforted her when she cried. That week we became close friends.'

"Abby I give you one minute. If you don't open the door I'll get Luka." I hear stumbling inside and a second later, the door is unlocked. I open it and there she is. My dearest friend again sitting on the floor with a razor in her hand and the other covered with blood. I hold her so tight as possible. I cry, she cries and again I feel that thing in my heart knowing she isn't ok. She isn't fine. And I wonder what the hell happened to make her do this again. I hear Luka coming up and go out the bathroom and tell him Abby is sick and that she needs a bed. I'll take care of her. He goes back to his daughter and I go back to my closest friend I've ever had. The most sensitive person I know, the strongest one but right now the weakest and the smallest person on earth.

When I'm sure she's a sleep I go downstairs to look what the boys are doing with our kids. There is a note on the dinning table to let us know they went out to the zoo and will be back before dinner. I clean the kitchen wondering why Luka didn't do that himself. He made a mess so he could clean it. When the kitchen is clean I put the kettle on and make a pot of tea for Abby.

She's awake when I enter the bedroom. "How are you?" I ask her. "I'm so sorry. I really am." She tells with tears rolling down on her face. I need to know.

The stories you tell
Flowing out of your beautiful mouth
like the wind
Those sweet little words
mean nothing at all
but your eyes, they don't lie

Why do you feel bad
Say something to me
'Cause when I look into your eyes
And I cannot find the truth
And I cannot see through you

And I really can't find it. I can't see through her. And I hate it, I really need to know what is going on in her mind to help her. I'll be going home in a week and she's on her own again. Like this I can't leave her, my heart wouldn't let me do that.

Why don't you tell me
what you are thinking of
Why don't you tell me
How this could get so fucking far.

I pray, I'm desprate. Dear god please help her. Please let her pass this. Let her be stong. Let her feel love again. Let her life. Please dear God listen to me…she needs to get through this, she really needs to.
I cry and I see her looking at me. "It's ok Abs. I'll be fine." She takes my hand. "Susan, take me home." And those words make me understand what is going on. Finnally she talked to me. Finally I know how to help her. And I'm able to.

I said it. I told Susan to take me home. Far away of here. From the outside we may look like the perfect couple, the best lovers and friends. But inside we aren't. Luka is always working, since we left Chigaco he didn't said 'I love you' like he used to do and he's always yelling towards me. He's a great dad to Susen and she haven't noticed a thing. She doesn't know how much he's hurting me, she can't understand.

It's a day before Christmas and I feel so terrible. Luka didn't noticed a thing, he never looks at me anymore. He only sees the perfect housewife and mom. I could dye my hair black and he won't even see it.
I went to the mall with Susan to get Christmas presents for the kids. We talked a bit about it and she said I could come home with them and rest for a while. I don't know what to do or how to tell Luka. Allthough if I left without saying he wouldn't even noticed untill he ran out of clean boxers and food.

"Mommy..I'm hungry." Susen claims when we arrive home from shopping. The girl is still in her pyjama's. "Ask your dad." I say and rush upstairs, away from this nightmare. "Come on Susen. I'll make you something to eat." I hear Susan saying. That hurts so much nobody would understand. In the bathroom I find filthy clothes of Luka and Susen. I throw them in the carbin and take a look in the mirror.
If he only opened his eyes he would see how much it hurts me. I lost my husband, the man I fell in love with, the father of our child. But he wouldn't open his eyes, he's blind for that.

"Abby? What are we having for dinner?" It's Luka. "Can't you cook tonight? I'm tired." "Tired? From what? Doing nothing?" He yells. "I cleaned the whole bloody house, made sure there are presents for tomorrow and took care of your paperwork. Nothing?" "You know what I mean. It's your job. You even had time to get your kid out of her pyjama's. If I wasn't at home she even hadn't a proper breakfast." "Go Luka. Order pizza or something." I hear his footsteps go away. I need peace. A solide ground to live. I can't handle this. Not with my history.
Why can't he understand? Why doesn't he see. Why doesn't he ask.

And I can't handle it no longer any more
And if it wont stop i'm really gonna get crazy
I can hear you talking in my head,
You make decissions for me but I won

Christmas day was a hell. Luka played the perfect husband and father, he prepared dinner and put Susan to bed when it was time. I didn't do a thing about it I just let it took place.
Later that night we had words. I told what was on my mind and he just laughed it away. I started crying and he didn't even tried to comfort me. He just stood there doing nothing. I yelled, he yelled and he left.
Susan came and told me I needed to do something about the situation before it was too late. I didn't understand what she meant. I really didn't had a clue.

It was 30th of December when I finally realized what Susan meant. Too late. Luka left with Susen. He said I wasn't stabile. He said I never have been a good mom for his child. He said I lost myself years ago and I wasn't able to get myself back again. And he also told me I had 2 day's to leave.

So I left. Along with Susan, Chuck and Abigail. The poor little girl didn't understand why Susen wasn't along with us. All I did was cry. Cry as much as I could. I only took the close I wore that day nothing else. I left it all behind. I didn't want to get reminded of the hell I lived in.

At this moment I'm still at Susan's place. I sleep on their couch and life from their money. I wish I could return something to them, they have been a great help the last couple of day's. Susan asked Kerry if she needed a nurse or a doctor down in the ER. A nurse was her answer so Susan made an apointment for me with Kerry. I need to start all over again.

"Abigail Kovac?" Kerry's secratery said when she came out of Kerry's office. "Yes." I said and stood up. "Dr. Weaver is able now to see you." So I walked in. "Abby. Take a seat." She told me with a gazing look on her face. "Thanks Kerry. Thanks for this." "Don't worry. Are you ok? How are Luka and Susen?" I look down to the white carpet when I feel the tears burning in my eyes. "I'm fine. They are fine." How the hell can I say that. I don't know if they are fine. And I'm not fine, I'm feeling empty. "Nice to hear. Something wrong with your eyes?" Shit she noticed. "No." And I start crying, again. "What's wrong Abby? You can tell me." And she moves her hand over the desk to take mine. "I left them." I say with a shivering voice. "Luka and Susen?" "Yes. Long story. I just need a job to find a place to live and pay back Susan and Chuck." "Well you can start as a nurse if you would. Maybe you can move up to doctor soon." "Thanks Kerry." "I'll send you your shifts when their ready. Take some time off first to let it heal." This will never heal. Never!

It's my first shift today. I haven't slept much and breakfast was the last thing I needed allthought Chuck did his best.

Walking in the ambulance bay gives me a feeling of power but when I enter the lounge and see A. Kovac on the locker door the feeling leaves as fast as it came.
Elizabeth walks in to grab a cup of coffee and doesn't notice who I am. "Hello, you're the new nurse aren't you? I'm Dr. Corday." I turn around to shake her hands but when I do she notices. "Abby. Glad to see you back. How have you been? How are Luka and Susen?" I can't tell the whole story. "They are fine. It's good to be home." Is my short answer. "Well I wish you good luck at you first day. You'll need it." And she walks away. I grab a photo out of my purse, it's one of Susen in her princess outfit, I put it in my locker and close it.

Elizabeth was right, I needed the good luck cause the ER has changed since I left it. The only one who are still there are Susan, Chuny, Haleh, Jerry, Kerry and Elizabeth. A lot of new names pass the day and I try to remember them all.

"Abby, he called and asked if you could call back. It's about Susen." Chuck says when I arrive back. "Thanks." And I walk upstairs to make the phonecall. "Luka." "It's me. Chuck said you called about Susen?" "Yeah. She has her first ballet preformence next week and I think she would love it if you came to watch it." "I need to schedule my shift. I'll try." "You've work?" "Yeah back at County as a nurse." "Congratulations Abby. You know this isn't what I wanted to happen. And I'm sorry for everything I said or have done." "I just need some time alone Luka. I need to think about us." "I understand Abby. I really do. I have thought about it a lot. And I miss you." "I miss you too. Tell Susen I love her and that I will be there. Bye." "Bye Abby." After the phonecall I burst out in tears and put my face in my pillow. "Everything allright Abs?" Chuck asks. "Yeah. It's just that I miss them." "That's normall. So your going to the preformence?" "I need to she's my baby." "You will love it." And he closes my door.

Downstairs I hear Susan and Chuck talking about me. She doesn't want me to go and he tells her this will be my own decision. I agree with him but I can imagine how she feels about it. So I decide to go down and talk with her. "Suz. We need to talk." I say when I bump into her in the kitchen. "Yeah we really need to." We walk over to the living and Chuck leaves. "I leave you two alone." He says when he walks out. "Abby do you really think this is a good idea?" Susan says when she's sitting on the other side of the couch. "I don't know Susan. But I know Susen will hate me for life when I'm not there." My voice shivers a little. "Yeah she will but one day she will understand. I really think it's not the best for you." "I know. I know it all but it felt so great to hear him say 'I miss you'. I don't know what to do." I cry. "It's a trick Abs. Don't buy it. He's not worth it. Don't let him get you, again." And she moves over to me to hold me and comfort me. "I just…I just miss her." "I know. O Abs I would take away all the pain if I could. I really would do that for you." And Susan starts crying to. For the first time I notice how much this hurst her. How much she cares for me. How much I mean for her. And that takes away my breath. "Abby, you know how much I love you. You need to get trough this without any harm. This isn't what you wished for. I'll be there for you." "I know Susan. I wish I could do something back." And we cry for some more.

I would give you the world you dream of,
I would give you a brand new start,
If that's what you asked for.

I would give you a fortune,
A dime If I had one.
I would give you a house,
To set your brand new start,
If I could give it.

I would take your pain away,
If that's what you wish for.
I would take away it all,
Even the most hurtfull pains you feel.

I would give you everything,
If only I could.

I would die if I could give you a better life.
But that's no solution.
Nothing will make it better,
Not my soul,
Not my warmth for you,
Not my love for you.
I just can comfort you,
Comfort you with the words flooting in my mind.
I just can think about you,
Think hard to take away some pain.
I only can be there for you,
If you let me be.
I would trade everything I own to give you,
A solide ground,
A better place,
A brand new start,
A whole new heart.

Goodbye.

It's Susen's day. Today my baby girl has her first ballet-performance. And I. I'm not there.

I hate myself for not being there with her. Last night I opened my arms again. I hide it or at least I try to. I can't take this pain anymore. I have to do something.

My mind spins of at what my mom's option was to leave the pain behind. Hanging. No to cruel for Susan when she finds me. It has to be something that won't hurt me and that won't be a big horror for Susan.
Pills. That's it.

I search trough my back and find a strip of themazepan.

In the bathroom I fill a glass with water and walk back to my little bedroom.

I write a letter for Susan and one for Susen. They will find it. Susen will understand it all when she is old enough. And Luka...I'll hope he feels the pain I felt.

I take Susen's picture and hold close to my heart. I kiss it and say goodbye.
One pill at the time with some water. I haven't eat since yesterday afternoon so it will work.

12 pills in. I can't feel a thing. My mouth is dry. My heart is pumping like a maniac. As a nurse, I know what is going on in my body.

All pills in. Tired. So damn tired. I lie down on the bed and close my eyes.

I'm gone.

"Abby?" I yell from downstairs knowing she's up in her room. No answer. I climb up the stairs with Abigail right behind me. "Abby?" I knock on her door. No answer. I feel a empty hole inside of me. I decide to put Abigail in her room before I enter Abby hers.

"Hun mommy will be right back." And I close Abigail's bed room door.
I walk over to Abby her door and knock on it again. No answer. A bad scenario runs to my mind and I just hope it's not what I think it is.

I open the door slowly. No reaction, not a single sound. When the door is open I see her lying on the bed, slowly breaths. No..no..no!

"Chuck call an ambulance right now!" I yell. I start heart compressions. Chuck walks in to tell me the ambu will be there in 15 minutes. I shake my head knowing they will be too late.

"Susan stop it. You can't help her." Chuck lays his hands on my shoulder. I don't want to stop, as long as I'm pushing her heart she's a life. I'm here connection to the world of the living. I can't let her go. "Susan please." I know he's crying. And I stop the compressions. "Time of death, 05.54." Just before dinner.

Chuck goes with ambulance to County, I asked them to bring her there. Knowing she will be safe. I take the car to drive there. Abigail is with me and is asking me why I'm crying. Why Aunt Abby is in the ambulance with her daddy. I can't answer them.

"Susan?" It's Kerry. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help her." And I collapse in the arms of my boss.

The day after..

It had been a long day. I called Luka to tell him he needed to get over here right away; he did along with Susen and Eric, Abby's younger brother.

Chuck picked them up at the airport, I told him not to tell them I need to do that.

"Luka." I say when he walks in with Susen in his arms. "Susan, what's going on?" "Sit down please." My voice shivers and my eyes are filling up with tears. "It's Abby." He looks at me with his wide open eyes and I think he already knows what happened. "No. Don't tell me that." "I'm sorry Luka. I wasn't at home. I couldn't stop her. I did everything I could do but it wasn't enough to safe her." Chuck takes Susen with him upstairs and leaves me behind with Luka and Eric. Eric hasn't said a single word since he came in and I'm worried. Knowing his background makes me feel sorry for him. Losing his mother and his sister.

"I need to see her." Luka says after an hour. "That's ok. I'll drive you. What about you Eric?" I look at him but he's not here. "Is he on his meds?" I ask Luka. "No. I didn't give him his meds knowing that on the meds he wouldn't be here with us but in his own little world." And Luka puts a hand on Eric's shoulder. "Luka, I can't go trough this again. She's my sister." Finally, Eric speaks up. "I know Eric but you have to be strong. We'll help you." I say when I kneel down in front of him. "I don't want to see her. I want to remember her like she was." "That's ok. You can stay here with Chuck, Susen and Abigail." I tell him.

The ride to the hospital was weird. I noticed Luka does love her and in how much pain he is right now. We enter the ER, knowing he will need the support of his friends. "I'm sorry Luka." Kerry is sitting at the desk. He nods and walk straight to the elevator.

Her skin is pail. Her hair looks nice. "Was she in pain?" Luka asks me. "No." I lie knowing she was in a lot pain, not from the pills she took but from all the things, she has been trough. "I still can't believe she's gone. Really gone. How am I supposed to life without her? I can't give Susen a normal life without her mom." I nod, not knowing what to say. I wrap an arm around his waist and he places his head on my shoulder. I can't believe the strong man standing next to me is know feeling so little. He's crying when I look up at his eyes. It makes me cry.
He takes her hand and kisses it. After that he does the kiss on her fore-head and I feel the love he has for her. That kiss was their kiss. It was the kiss that made her feel so beloved and welcomed. And know it's all too late. She's gone.

"Come on Abigail you need to eat something." I tell my daughter when we are having dinner. "Mommy I can't eat. Aunty Abby died." The little girl has tears in her eyes and I feel so sorry for her. This isn't a thing a child has to survive. I'm sorry for Susen who will grow up with out Abby. She wasn't meant to be a child without a mom. Abby loved her. And I will make sure Susen will know that. I'll tell her all the things Abby has done for her and what kind of person her mom was. I'll tell her how her mommy was as a doctor and how her mommy was as a friend. She needs to know all these things.
She needs to know how Abby laughed, those were priceless. She needs to know how Abby was always there for her patient, even when she became a doctor she was still there for her patients. She needs to know how Abby was as a friend, her heart was there for everyone.

"Susan? Have you called Haleh, John and Neela?" Luka asks when we are outside watching the stars. "Not yet. I can't tell them that the woman they worshiped is gone. Especially John." "I know. But we have to. We can go visit them tomorrow. Neela is living in Abby's old apartment and John is living in the house of his grandma." "Tomorrow is fine. I'm of to bed. I need some sleep." And I grab his hand to make sure he knows that I'm there for him. "Thanks Susan for this."

The letters,

I found Abby's farewell letters tonight when I sneaked into 'her' room. I was searching for her clothes; she needs to wear her Abby outfit. A jeans and a long-sleeved shirt.

Dear friend, soul mate, sister.

I can't say goodbye in a proper way so I just write it down for you. If you find this letter, it means either I'm gone or that I'm in the hospital fighting for my life. If I'm fighting pull out the plug.

I remember the first day I met you as it was yesterday. You came back to County General Hospital were I started working as a nurse. You smiled and introduced yourself and later that day we worked together on an OD patient. The patient died.

We weren't close friends in the first few months but after the day, we needed to go to some undesirable behavior class with Gallant, Carter and Luka. That day was the start of our close friendship. It became a close and strong one. You were there for me when Carter left me. You supported me trough med-school. You helped me when my mom killed herself. You helped me with everything I have been trough.

I know I've hurt you by leaving without saying goodbye. And I'm sorry for that but I just couldn't.

Susan you meant the world to me. You were my dearest friend and the only one who knew in how much pain I was. Be pleased that I have peace now. Remember me like I was when you just met me.
Pass on the love you had for me to new people that will enter your life.

Susan, will you make sure Susen goes to college. And when she asks how her mom was tell her the truth about the last months of my life. Don't make her think it was a accident. Just tell her the truth.

I wish you and Chuck along with Abigail a lot of joy and happiness in your life along with laughter and love.

Take care my dearest friend.
I will never be out of your life. I'll be there when you need me.

With all my love,
Abby.

I cry and want to torn the letter apart. The words are meaningful and loving. Also hurtful and they bring so much anger in me.
I find the letter for Susen and I can't help it to read.

To my daughter.

Susen you're to little at this moment to understand but when your able to read this letter you will understand everything. If not ask your Aunt Susan she has answers.

I'm your mom. I was in your life for only a short period. Just know that I loved you and that it wasn't you who made me do it.
I had a lot of pain in my life. Difficult pain I couldn't deal with.
Your grandma was bi-polar and that made it all start. I hope you understand.

Susen I love you. I just want you to know that. You were my angel. And now I'm yours.
I'll always be with you. On your first day in high school, your first kiss, your first day at college, your wedding-day, every day I will be there on your side. To witness you and support you trough the things that comes your way.
Whenever you feel down or upset think of me and I will help to get over it and comfort you.
When people ask were your mom is tell them I'm in heaven. Being an angel for my baby girl.

Susen, your dad is a great man and he will support you. Be close with him and you will learn from him. If you have any question about our relationship you're allowed to ask him. He will answer him in truth.

Susen, your aunt Susan will always be there for you. Same for your friend Abigail. Be there for them too. They have lost to. Whenever you need someone to talk to go to Susan, she will listen.

Susen I wish you all the luck in the world. Find your way in this world and make it your own.
I love you no matter what.

With all my love,
Your mommy.

I feel the love in the words from her. She was such a warm and strong person. The best I've ever met. I will never forget her.
And I know she will always be there with me.

3 day's later.

The funeral.

Yesterday Luka and I visited Neela and John. Neela was shocked and didn't know how to handle so she just grabbed Luka and told him that he was the main part in Abby her decision. She was true in a way but this was just to hard.
John, he broke down and we cried with the three of us until Lucy entered. Also she was shocked and couldn't find the right words to comfort.

Right now, my house is full of people who loved her. Eric hides himself with the girls upstairs watching a movie. Luka is sitting in the chair nodding at everyone who passes him. Chuck is there to make coffee and make sure everyone will be there when we go to the cemetery.

It's a bright sunny day in March. Spring is on his way, her favorite season of the year. Maybe that's why she waited so long.

Luka, Chuck, John, Pratt, Morris and Eric carry her coffin and we walk behind them. In one hand, I have Susen's little hand and the other has Abigail's hand. Both girls are dressed in a dark blue dress with strains in their hair.

'We are gathered here to say farewell and remember the loss of Dr. Abigail Kovac. Dr. Susan Lewis will talk and inform you who Abby was and what she meant for most people.' The funeral director winks at me.

Slowly I walk forward. Finding some peace to talk.

'Family and friends. We are here to give our last meaning to Abby and to give Luka and their daughter Susen the comfort they need.
Abby was a nurse when I met her. One of a kind. Always there for her patients and colleagues. When you needed to talk, she was there to listen. When you needed to be held, she was there to hold you.
She was the bright little spark in our ER, she could tear you in to her world without saying one word. When she smiled you couldn't rejected it to smile with her. We watch her grow as a nurse and as a doctor.
We all know how much she had been trough in her childhood and her late teens. We helped her and listened to her when she allowed us. However, she wasn't a speaker; she thought we would get bored if she spread her heart out.
She never knew that we all loved her as much as she loved us.
We witnessed the love between Abby and Luka grow. We were their when the promised each other their love forever. We were happy for them when Abby delivered a beautiful baby girl.
I know that Abby never would hurt her baby girl, a reason why she made this decision. I was their with Abby on her last couple of days. She wasn't the Abby any longer we all loved and worshipped.
The first thing I told her when she became a friend was: Abby, heaven is missing an angel. Now heaven took the angel back.'

I clear me throat knowing the hard part will come now. I cross-eyes with Chuck and he gives me air kiss.

First, the music starts playing. Luka picked this one, it's Angel's Flying from the Kelly Family. He picked it for Susen cause Abby wrote in her letter that she was her angel now.

It's my turn again. I take a deep breath and continue.

'I wrote two poems for Abby after we lost her. I'll hope you all can find some comfort in them. Some peace or maybe a little bit of her.

Right up...,
In the clear sky above.

You fly...,
With the wings of a dove.

You dance...,
With the angels up there.

And spread...,
All you love everywhere.

I dream...,
Of you there, with delight.

And keep...,
all my memories real tight.

In my heart...,
You are so very living.

Because you...,
where so caring and giving.'

I take a few minutes to let it flow and make myself find the peace to read the other one.

'Goodbyes are never easy,
goodbyes are always sad.
Goodbye to the one you love,
and the once that hurt so bad.
Goodbyes are not forever,
just distance in between.
Goodbye will make the heart grow fond,
that's what they say it seems.
Goodbye is a word,
one never wants to use, or heard.
Goodbye is always followed by,
once sadness then by tears.
Goodbye will make you stronger,
to whom we are inside.
Goodbye will make one realize,
feelings we just can't hide.
Goodbye, I say to you,
but this only means one thing.
Goodbye is not forever,
for in my heart you'll always remain.'

Tears are rolling down my face when our song starts, My one true friend from Bette Midler. She always told me that that song had to be played at her funeral. I told her the same thing. So right now, I hear the song too soon.

We see coffin go down into the earth. We drop a yellow rose and Susen throws in a photo of her. "Now she can remember how I looked like." She tells me when I look into her bright blue eyes.

A year later,

"Susan did you packed Abs her rollerblades?" Chuck yells from downstairs. "Yes! Go in the car I'll be there in a sec." I yell back. Just one moment for myself is all I need today.

A year has past without her and still I can see her smile. I can smell her when I walk into the spare-room. I can feel her in that room when I enter it. And on occasions when I'm in there to remember her or to talk to her I feel her hands on my shoulder. I'm certain of that cause I know she was there with me when we lost out premature son.

"Mom get in the car or we will leave without you!" It's Abigail who's rushing me out Abby's room. I still call it her room.

"Put your seatbelt on hun. Let's hit the road." I smile at her. "Yay! I'm finally going to see Susen again!" Abigail has been looking forward to our visit to Luka and Susen. I didn't. We haven't seen them since the funeral and all we heard were birthday cards for Abigail her birthday written by Susen. He talked with Neela though and told her it was too painful to talk to me. Last week he called and asked if we would like it to come over this week. To remember.

"How long mommy?" Abigail asks when we just drive into New York. "We will be there soon hun. Play a little more on your game-boy." I tell her. She nods when I look over my shoulder.

I see the house, it's the same but it wouldn't be the same inside. "Mom I can see the park! And the house! Aw mom this is the best vacation ever!" Exclaims Abigail. She tells us that every vacation we take. Even visiting my dad was the best ever for her.

Chuck hits the doorbell and we wait. I take a deep breath. "They're not at home Chuck let's go." And I turn around. Then suddenly the door opens. "Hello can I help you?" A young girl says. "We are looking for Luka." Chuck says to her. "Dr. Kovac is not at home right now. Can I help you?" "Maybe. We are friends of Dr. Kovac and he knows we are coming." "I'm sorry but Dr. Kovac hasn't said anything about friends. He's with his daughter at the museum." "Let's go Chuck. This was the worst idea ever." I say and grab Chuck's arm. "Mom look it's Susen and Uncle Luka!" Abigail yells and runs of. "Abigail!" We hear Susen yelling. And the girls grab each other when they reach.

"Susan, Chuck. I'm so glad you could come." Luka says while he kisses my cheek. "We are glad to called Luka." And I feel that I'm blushing.
"I'm sorry Susan." And he opens the door.

The house is the same since the last time I walked in. Pictures of Abby are every were. Even in the bathroom. In the big living room there is this big painting of Susen and Abby, I realize in how much pain he must be.

Luka,

A year has passed since I lost my wife. My beloved Abby. The one I fell in love with in a second. I gave her my love, all I had.
We moved to New York, I really didn't know that she felled so terrible. I didn't.

She gave me a bright young daughter who I love with all my heart. But still she can't replace her mom. The girl knows who her mom was and that's she's an angel now. But she doesn't know the Abby things like I do.

Then I have her best friend, soul sister Susan. She has been a great help when Abby committed suicide. She was there for me when she had the worst week of her life too. She lost too.
I couldn't talk with her so I talked with Neela. And I know Neela told Susan everything I told her, even that I couldn't contact her cause it would hurt too much.
So last week I called her and asked if they could come over. So here she is. And I have to admit I missed her.

Susan,

It's weird walking in this house with out her voice. It's weird opening her little hiding place when she's not with me. I take a look at the notes written on the papers on her desk. 'Try to say normal Abby, you have to be strong.' 'Talk to him Abby, he needs to know what is going on in your head.' 'Call Susan Abby. She will listen.' 'Abby, stay strong.' Tears well up in my eyes and I see them fall down on the notes. She wrote these little sentence to give her the spirit to do it. Only the last one she didn't make true.

"Mom?" It's Abigail who's standing in the doorway. "Hun?" "Susen is crying. Can you come?" And she walks over to Susen her bedroom. I notice that it was the former master bed room. "Sus? What's wrong Hunny?" "I want my mommy back!" She tells me. "O baby. I wish I could give you you're mommy back. But she's an angel now Sus. She's watching over you." "No she isn't. She's dead!"

Susen told me she didn't felt her mom watching over her. She couldn't remember how her voice was, how she smelt, how she smiled, how she looked like and several other little meaningful things. I told her we would watch a video of Abby, the girls and me when we came over for Christmas, Abby's last Christmas.
So here, we are sitting in front of the television. Susen on my left and Abigail on the right. Tissues in front of us, mostly for myself.

"Is that my mommy?" Susen asks when we see Abby laughing in the kitchen. "Yes hun, that's your mommy." "She looks so happy." I nod but I see much more then her bright laugh. I see the pain in her eyes.
"She does looks like an angel Aunt Susan." "Yeah she does. Do you see that, your mom waved." "Yeah. She looks so sweet." "She was sweet Sus. She was the best person I've ever met. A true friend. And the best mom." "Not the best mom. She's dead. She killed herself." Susen says with a tone of anger in her voice that makes me shiver. There is so much anger in the little girl that I can't reject the truth. "She did hun. But she really was a good mom for you Sus." "No she wasn't. You are much better Aunt Susan. You're still alive. I miss her so much. But she didn't want to know me." Susen starts crying and all I can do is hold her. Hold her like Abby would do. Rub her back and make her feel beloved and welcomed. "Mom? Can we stop the video? I don't like it any more." Abigail says and I notice she's crying to.

"Luka we need to talk." I say when I enter the kitchen where Luka is preparing dinner. "Ok. Right now or later?" "Right now." I need to get this of my chest. I can't see the little girl in so much pain, I don't want it. My own pain is more than enough.

"Susan what's wrong?" Luka asks when I let out a deep sigh. "I can't do this Luka, I just can't." "Can't what Susan?" "I can't face Susen. I can't look at her and tell her her mom is an angel when I know she doesn't believe it. I can't tell her that her mom died in peace, she knows she didn't. I can't take it Luka. It's too much." He looks at me and brakes down. "Luka? What's wrong?" "It's Susen. Since Abby died, she's like a beast. She throws with everything that her hands can touch. She yells at me. She makes me feel the bad guy. I know I wasn't the best for Abby the last couple of years but I loved her. I loved her Susan." "I know you loved her Luka. You need to get Susen to a psychiatrist. There is so much going on in that little girl. And I can't handle it. It's just to much for me. You have to understand that Luka." "I do understand you Susen. You're still struggling with her lost. I saw it the moment you walked in. Your eyes were so speaking the truth. I know you've been in her room, that must have hurt you Sus. I don't want you to have the feeling to look after Susen. You're free to leave." "I can't leave you like this Luka. You mean a lot to me. We can work this out. Susen has to go to a psychiatrist or she will end up like Abby. And yes I went up there. I found these little notes she wrote for herself. It still hurts." He puts his hands on my shoulder and I turn around. "We can do this." He says when he looks me in the eye. I nod, knowing I wont be leaving this house until I know for sure Susen will be ok.

'Abby if you can hear my listen please! You have to let Susen know your there for her. Come on Abs your daughter is in so much pain. Help her. Please!' I think when I'm in the bathroom. The bathroom where I found her that Christmas, the bathroom where I realised she wasn't ok. 'Please Abby show her you love her just like you showed me. Show her that you're her angel. Give her a sign.' The door opens but nobody is there. I'm a bit overwhelmed, this can't be happening. The door closes again and I feel a cold wind going trough the bathroom. Spooky but I know it's ok.

"Abby is that you?" I say out loud. Again, I feel a breeze around me. "That's a yes I guess. Can't you show her you love her Abs? Please?" A shampoo bottle falls on the ground, mad? "Abby? Are you mad?" More bottles are starting to fall down and I'm freaking out. "Go away Abby! Leave me alone!" I yell, the door opens and shots. The bathroom is quiet again, warm and save.

"Mommy I really don't like it that Aunt Abby died. She left Susen all alone." Abigail tells me when I put her in bed. "Hun Aunt Abby is in peace now. Susen will be ok. Some day she can talk about her mom just like I do." "But it's so unfair. I hate it to see Susen crying. And do you know she has these marks on her arms mom?" She doesn't looks directly into my eyes and that worries me. "What do you mean Abigail?" "I'm not allowed to say but I have to mom. Susen sticks herself with a compasses." "O god. You are sure of that Abigail?" "Yeah she showed it to me. Mom it's wrong isn't?" "Yes Abigail very wrong. Come on go to sleep. No worries any more. I'll talk to Susen." What the hell do I need to say to the little girl. "Ok mommy. Night, night!" "Night hun!" And I kiss her cheek.

"Chuck? Are you awake?" I ask him when I enter the bedroom. "Yes, what's up?" "It's Susen. She hurts herself. She does this thing with a compasses. She showed it to Abigail. I think this not a good place to let Abigail stay. I think you have to take her home Chuck." "O Susan. The poor little girl. What about you?" "I'm staying. Luka can't do this on his own Chuck. You understand that don't you?" "Yeah I understand. I really do. If I was in his position Abby would have stayed to." "She sure did that. Chuck I don't know what to do. Or how to handle." "Come here Suz. I love you." And he takes me in his arms and I cry.

The next morning when Luka and Susen are out on their early morning walk I pack Abigail her suitcase. "Mom what are you doing?" She asks when she enters the room. "Your going home with dad. Mommy is staying to help Susen and Uncle Luka." "I don't wanna go home mom! I want to help too! She's my best friend mom! I can't leave her when she's in pain." She cries. She's such a well mannered girl. She really does understand what is going on. "Hun I know you want to help Susen and I know you love her but you are to young to help her Abigail. You have to be a friend for her not the one who wants to help her. You can call her every night I promise you." I tell her. "I understand mom. I will be her friend…for ever." She says when she lifts her head and smiles at me. "That's sweet Abigail. Mom loves you very much." And I give her a hug.

"Abigail don't go!" Susen cries when I put Abigail in the car and kiss her goodbye. "Don't go!" She shivers. Luka holds her with tears in his eyes. "Susen come on. Abigail has to go to school. Susen please." He says when he holds her. "No daddy don't let her go! I can't life without her! Don't take her away!" And she fights against Luka's strength. "Go now Chuck. I love you both!" I say to them. "No! Don't do this to me!" Susen screams when Chuck drives away. It feels like someone takes my heart out, twists it and puts it back.

"I hate you both! I hate you, I hate you!" Susen yells when I shut the front door. "You're allowed to hate us." I tell her. She looks at me with those wide open blue eyes, just like Abby, and spits on the floor. "You were the one that made my mommy die! It's your fault!" She yells and runs of. "I'm sorry Suz. She's like this since we came back after the funeral. You don't have to do this." "It's ok Luka. She can yell, spit, swear and hit me if she wants. She needs help." And I put my arms around him. It feels so weird holding the man of my closest friend. "Thank you so much Susan. I'll ask the psychiatrist at the hospital for a council. I have to." "Yes you have to. I'll take care of her when your not around. Luka I'm here to help you." And I give him a smile.