So…heavy. I can't breathe. Seth has his arm on top of me, squishing my body. I'm sweating too and uncomfortable as I wiggle around trying to make him move, but like when he slept on my lap, he pulled me closer, tightening his grip. Too… tight. I wiggle again, more aggressively, and he turns around, finally letting me go, so I jump out of bed quietly and go to the kitchen.
Leah has no food in the fridge, and we ate all the bread yesterday, so I have to go out if we want to eat breakfast. Searching the boxes upstairs, I find a pair of jeans I can wear, but no shirts my size. Apparently, Leah only had bottoms left in the house, so I kept the shirt I slept on and completed the outfit with Seth's jacket. Before leaving, I type into the door's electronic notepad that I'm going out for food in case he wakes up looking for me.
I grab the keys and go out the door.
Walking down the street like this feels surreal. Everyone is going about their days and just living their lives like usual. It's like someone turned on the light inside my head, and I'm finally seeing outside of it.
I turn on my phone again, and it goes off for a good minute before finally stop buzzing; all messages from Esme, of course. I don't open them because I know I'll want to go back home the moment I see how worried she really is.
Everyone says good morning as they pass by on my way to the store, and I'm very awkwardly answering them since I haven't done this in a while; blending with humans used to be very easy for me.
The small convenience store had breakfast food trays and fresh coffee, so I grabbed some for us, and the moment I paid for it, my phone went off again, so I put it on silent mode. The cashier notices my disappointed face and tries to cheer me up. —Rough morning, huh?
—Yeah, a little.
—Here you go. She gives me a piece of candy. —Cheer up.
—Thank you. I smile at her before leaving the store.
I forgot how friendly humans could be, and it's like I'm experiencing it for the first time. I can't believe I stayed inside the house for almost a year without seeing anyone, and although it didn't feel strange at the time, now I realize how isolated I was. Renesmee was right, I did give up a lot to live with them, and although I don't regret it, it's interesting to realize this now as I walk past these smiling faces.
When I get to the house, Seth is outside looking around like he just jumped out of bed.
—Hey! Good morning. Your neighbors are so nice!
He runs up to me barefooted. —Where did you go?
—To the store. The open door has my note blinking on the inside, still unread. —I left a note.
—Oh… yeah, you did.
—C'mon, I got us breakfast and coffee. We go inside, and I take the food out of the bag, making a small breakfast table for us.
—So, are you calling Esme? Seth shows me his phone with an alarming number of missing calls from her, so I grab it and finally go over the messages. Her words to him are a little less personal, but I can see she's going nuts.
—She's about to lose it.
—Told you.
I dial her number and put it on speaker with a deep breath. She picks up at the first ring.
—Seth! Seth, where is she? Is she all right? Her voice is as urgent as I thought it would be.
—It's me. The line is silent for a moment like she doesn't believe I picked up.
—Anne, please come back home. I promise you none of us think that about you. I should've told you everything; I'm so sorry, so please just come back.
—What about him?
—I'll kick him out if you want! Emmett punched him so hard he won't dare talk to you like that again. He's tied up and won't go anywhere.
—Let him go. If he doesn't feed, he'll lose all the progress we achieved.
—Anne… She sounds like she could cry. I have to turn off this phone now.
—I'm okay. I'll stay a little longer.
—At least answer my messages. I need to know you're ok.
—I will. Goodbye.
—That was cold. Seth says after I hung off the phone.
I know it was, but it was also tough for me. Her voice was so sad and apologetic that I felt like I wanted to go back, but I still didn't have an answer for what Seth told me yesterday. I still don't know how to not fall back into the old habits and blame myself all time. I needed more time.
—I said I would stay longer, but I didn't ask you.
—We can stay for as long as you want.
—Then, what are we doing today? This is your… "turf." What do you do for fun around here?
He takes his phone and starts browsing, so I sit next to him, looking at the events on the screen.
—There's the harvest festival, but it only starts at five.
—We are going there for sure! I love festival food, and I'm a master at shooting bottles. I would love to have some candied apples too and hot dogs.
—But it starts late. Are we staying in the house until 5?
—No way. Hum… we could drive around and see the spots you hang out with your friends. I was very curious to know what he did for fun before he had to stay at the house with me all the time.
—I only hang with the pack. I was going to school, but I quit after returning from Rome. He didn't say it, but I knew it was because of me. He's been to high school many more times than I did, but I'm sure he enjoyed it and had friends as I did. He is such a bright and friendly guy that it's impossible he wasn't popular with everyone.
—Then let's have fun like you have with them.
—Yeah, no. We jump off cliffs and wrestle for fun.
—That's dope. Let's jump off the cliff, and I'll take you on a fight. He doesn't even answer my lousy joke and keeps scrolling.
—C'mon, I want to see how you lived when you were here. You never tell me anything about your hometown. Somehow we don't talk about the past at all. It's like we always have something to say but never mention who we used to be.
—Fine. But you'll get bored and ask to go home. He stands up, giving in to my requests.
—I won't, I promise! Now go change! He drags his feet upstairs, and I clean up everything before we leave.
Driving around his neighborhood is like revisiting my memories of traveling with my parents and blending in with humans. It's nostalgic and still enthralling how they all live their lives to the fullest, not even dreaming about what's underneath their noses.
Hanging out with them was fun, most of the time, and although I had to leave my friends behind and would cry, feeling sorry for what I am, I never stopped making new human friends.
We went to his old elementary school and the park where he used to skip class. When I get hungry, he takes us to get hamburgers at his favorite shop, and I eat like I've never had a burger before and got a milkshake to go because who knows when I'll be back here?
The owner recognizes Seth, and they exchange friendly words. He even gave us some free candy.
Time passes fast, and it's time to go down to the festival. The lights are on over the hay as people walk in, and excited children go straight to the scarecrow to take pictures.
—The shooting game first! I run straight to the stand and grab the gun like a pro. I got three chances to drop all the bottles and get my prize, but I only needed one.
—You know what you're doing? Seth sounds dubious of my skills, but I'm ready to make him swallow his words.
—Watch and learn, boy, watch and learn. I shoot them all in one go like I'm back to those days; my body remembers exactly how to do it.
—Congratulations, you can choose your prize. The lazy teenager points to the first-place prizes on the wall, and I ask for the giant stuffed yellow duck.
—It's General Waddles! I give it to Seth and take a picture. He doesn't look amused but smiles in the end.
We walk around the hay maze and eat all the food we can get our hands on. The families walking around us are happy and enjoying themselves as much as we are, and the teenagers are roaming around being noisy like they should.
The lights on the Ferris wheel are pretty, but the line is too long, so we just walk around the hay sculptures. I can feel Seth's hand next to mine, and I know he wants to grab it, but… I can't. I went too far by letting him sleep next to me like that, and he may think this is an encouragement for him to come closer.
—Here you go. Hold waddles. I'll go to the bathroom. When his fingers brush on my hand, I try to change the mood by walking away for a little bit. —Don't move, or I won't find you. I'll be right back.
I run away before he can say anything, looking for the bathroom, only to stop by an empty dark spot behind a trailer. I have to control myself. I want to hold his hand so bad… I'm shaking, holding my fingers, and reminding myself why I can't. That vampire is still out there, and he'll come for me again. I can't tell him my feelings if I don't know I'll survive this time. The hope that I'll tell him once this is over is what makes me believe I'll get out alive of this mess.
—Are you, ok miss? A little kid with green plastic sunglasses is standing behind me, holding his teddy bear.
—I'm ok, thanks, buddy. Where are your parents?
—Over there. He points to the general direction of the public, so I guess he's not lost. —Here you go. He gives me a small bag of candy he got as a prize for the game probably. —You can have it. I take it, and he smiles, walking towards the crowd, probably to find his parents. I got candy for a week now.
Pulling myself together, I walk back to the hot dog stand where Seth is, with the crowd passing by him holding that giant duck.
—The line was so long; sorry for the wait. I grab the duck with both my hands this time, and I can tell he noticed by his eyes. —Let's go.
—Seth! A group of kids looking around seventeen waves in our direction, smiling and calling for Seth.
—Look at this, everyone, he's alive! A guy with a football team jacket grabs him by the neck, messing up his hair, making Seth smile.
—Get off Tyler! He pushes him away just to mess up his hair too.
—We thought you left the city, man! Another tall guy with the same jacket hugs Seth, looking excited to see him.
—Where did you run off to? The third one, a tall skinny girl wearing a leather jacket, smiles at him before taking a bite of her hot dog.
—I was aham… busy with some stuff. Seth runs his fingers through his hair, thinking about a lie, but I can tell he doesn't have one.
—And who is this? Tyler walks around me like he's taking a good look and pokes Seth with his elbow.
—I'm Anne. Seth's friend. I say, holding the duck down and reaching my hand to Tyler. —It's nice to meet you.
—The pleasure is mine. He holds my hand and kisses it, smiling flirtatiously. I smile back at him and Seth. I know this part of blending with humans, and I love it. The crazy stuff guys do grab a girl's attention is the funniest thing in the world to me, and Tyler looks like the model for the rulebook on how to act cringe. This will be fun!
—Now I see why you disappeared. The girl says, mocking Seth.
—Shut up, Jess. Are you still hanging with these guys? Jess just shrugs at Seth's question like it didn't need an answer.
—We are going down to the beach. There's a party going on right now, and you got to come. Tyler shows Seth the bottle of alcohol under his coat that he probably got from his dad's stash. Drunk humans are even more fun!
—Oh, we are going. Right, Seth?
—I don't know. We should go back. He seems uncomfortable, but I have to hear the stories these guys have of him and watch them get drunk and humiliate themselves in front of everyone. I used to live for that! The fun of a teenage party can't compare to anything.
—Don't be a party pooper. We are going to have fun!
—Now, this is what I mean. Tyler wraps his arm around my shoulder, and we follow him towards the beach altogether. I can tell Seth is displeased, but only because he knows I'll ask them about him.
When we get there, it's all I wanted and more. They had a big campfire going, and most of the kids looked drunk already and were doing backflips on the sand to impress the girls giggling at them.
Tyler grabbed Seth and pulled him towards the crowd that welcomed him screaming. He looked at home among his friends, and it was nice to see him have fun like that.
—Hi there! The squeaky voice behind me said.
—Oh, hi. Three girls dressed as cheerleaders are behind me, with grins on their lips and arms crossed. YES! YES! They are the mean girls. My smile is enormous now and seems to throw them off a little.
—Jess said you're Seth's friend. I thought you were his cousin or something. You look so cute next to him, like a little kid. This girl is trying to intimidate me, and I'm in teenage heaven! I used to have so much fun with girls like her in high school!
—And you are?
—I'm Lacy. These are Stacy and Tracy. Of course, they are! God, I love American schools.
—I'm not Seth's cousin, Lacy. I have to control my expression. If I look too excited, they'll walk away.
—Well, you can't be his date, not dressed like that. She giggles, and the others follow.
—How do you know Seth? I need a bit more to go on with. She looks like your typical high school popular mean girl, but I want to get to know her. Lacy might have a heart of gold under that tight cheerleader uniform.
—We used to hang out all the time during football practice. We were practically an item.
—Really?
—Yeah, they look so perfect together people would say they were like, the ideal couple. They won the best couple at school. Stacy is cheering gum with her mouth open, fulfilling all my fantasies.
—Then you must've dated, no? I'm making a slightly concerned face now, so she thinks I'm bothered by her words.
—He had to leave school, but now that he's back, it's just a question of time. He's looking at me right now, probably going crazy to talk to me. I look back, and he is looking at us, so she must be right!
—We just wanted to give you a heads up so you don't get too sad when he tells you to go home. Tracy acts like she's concerned for my feelings.
I put my head down as I can't hold my smile anymore. They think I'm sad and walk away laughing.
Seth's friend Jess walks over to me, touching my shoulder. —Don't listen to them. They can be bitches.
I can't control my laughter and laugh aloud at her. —Their names are even real? Lacy, Tracy, and Stacy? What are they, a five-year-old's barbie dolls?
She seems surprised by my reaction and laughs with me. —They are real names, all right. People call them gargoyles in our school.
—Ha! This is gold! I just love humans so much!
—I thought you'd be one of those shy girls, but you're… cool. Jess seemed to expect I was like the girls in her school, bowing my head to the popular kids, but that was never me. In the first years I attended school, I admit it hurt me a little, but after some time, I made sure they found me so I could scare them straight.
—Thank you?
—C'mon, let's grab a drink. Jess gets us two beers, and we sit by the fire, watching the boys jump around as boys do. The acrobatics were too easy for Seth, so the boys pushed him to do more complicated stuff like double backflips or handstands.
—So, you and Seth are really just friends? Jess asks, laughing at the guys falling on the sand, trying to follow Seth.
—Why? Do you like him? Jess gets taken aback by the question. I thought she was a cool girl, but it's cute to see her blush like that. —You do?
—I used to. She uses the past tense, but I can tell she still does.
—Did you tell him?
—Yes, but he said he didn't feel the same way, so I… let it go.
—I'm sorry. I hope he wasn't too hard on you. I can't imagine Seth being a jerk to her, but boys sometimes don't even know the shit they say hurts.
—He was too sweet. I guess that's why we still hung out. But I can tell he likes you. Like… a lot.
—How can you tell? I want to hear how Seth appears to others.
—The way he looks at you. It's like you're his… sun or something. Even now, he can't take his eyes off of you. She points to him, waving at us, and I smile, encouraging him to continue to have fun.
—He's great.
—Why don't you tell him? You like him too. Jess is digging a little too deep for my liking. Humans are for having a good time, not sharing personal feelings.
I see a guy approach Jess from behind like he's about to scare her, but I fail to notice Tyler coming from behind me. They must've lost a bet or something because they kiss each of us on the cheek and run away screaming.
—What the hell Tyler? Jess is pissed, and Seth is running after them. —Why are boys so stupid? Jess is so cute that I want to hug her, but instead, I offer to get us another drink.
—Is beer ok? She doesn't look like the type of girl that drinks cocktails.
—Ice cold, please.
I get Jess a beer and make myself cranberry vodka. Beer makes me sleepy, so I get whatever option they have and pick some ice from the cooler.
—Stop playing nice and tell the truth. Are you dating Seth or not? Lacy, Tracy, and Stacy have their arms crossed, standing behind me looking like mean chihuahuas. I look around, and people are haven't noticed their ambush.
—We have never seen you in town before. Are you even in school? Stacy's gum must be rock hard by now, but she keeps on chewing.
—Are you even in school? Tracy, the parrot, repeats.
—You're right. I'm not in school. I put my head down, ice pick in hand. —I was in juvie last year.
—Juvie?! Lacy takes a step back, and I look up, giving her my best "cold blood killer" poker face that I used so many times before.
—Seth is helping me adjust to my new life after the… murder. I lift the ice pick in my hand, being extra dramatic. —The blood was so red… She was so mean to me that… I couldn't stop. I had stabbed her… all 26 times. But you're different, right, Lacy? You'll be my friend, right?
They run like they were about to be next, and I'm laughing so hard I could piss my pants.
—That was sick! Was it really 26 times? Jess is laughing too, joining in my joke.
—Nah, just one. I have a good aim. I stab the pick on the ice, and we walk back to sit by the sand and laugh at the three gargoyles whispering about my story to drunk kids that honestly don't seem to care.
Jess told me the name of the other guy they were with was Ben; he was the one that kissed her on the cheek and ran away with Tyler. Since they were kids, they've been best friends and met Seth in school when he joined the team. Ben looks like a nice guy, and she talks about him like he's a born leader kind of guy, but Tyler makes him do stupid stuff like pranks.
—Did Seth do those kinds of pranks too? I need to know how he was in school or how else I'm I going to mess with him from now on?
—Sometimes, but he was different. He would talk Tyler out of the idiotic stuff, like, get you suspended kind of stuff, but sometimes we would just go with the flow. Like when they tp'd the statue the school put up of the principal because she declared herself the savior of our school. She laughs, remembering the scene.
—Was he popular then?
—Yeah, totally. I mean, he was on the football team and not a complete jerk. Those kinds of guys are hard to come by.
—Then, he had girls all over him.
—Do you really want to know that? I wasn't overthinking my question, but her reaction made me do it. Do I really want to know whom he dated? I'm not sure how relationships go for shape-shifters outside the imprinting thing, but to vampires, I know they are basically a miracle. Finding someone you want to spend eternity with within such a small community can be challenging, and I never acted on love before because I knew I would be moving on to the next city soon. I was sad enough to leave my friends, and the thought of leaving someone I loved was even scarier, so I never got into relationships, but maybe Seth did.
—Now I'm not sure.
—Don't worry, he never looked like that at anyone. She points to him coming in our direction, smiling and covered in sand before standing up and saying she had to go to the bathroom.
—Hey. You are covered in sand.
He shakes his head to remove it the best he can, but I still see it stuck to his hair. —Why is Lacy telling everyone you've been to juvie?
—Because she's adorable! I laugh again, remembering her cute scared face. —I was messing with her, and she believed.
—You shouldn't be telling stories like that. They'll think it's true.
—They are human teenagers, Seth. They'll believe anything. Besides, she was being a little prick to me.
—What did she do?
—Nothing girls her age don't do. Did you two really win "best couple"?
—Oh, yeah. They had this stupid contest, and Ben put my name in, and they ended up paring us. Tyler was furious because he was into her, but she said she only dates quarterbacks.
—Like you? I take a sip of my drink, a little too interested in the answer. I never doubted he liked me, but imprinting is not the same as love, and I am a girl too.
—We were never together. Whatever she told you is not true. He looks a little worried, and I can relax again, so I smile a little.
—You're friends are really nice. Especially Jess. I feel like we could be best friends. She told me she used to like you.
—She told you that? How did you get her to say that?
—I'm like the cool adult kids like to open up to. And it was true. Many of my friends said they liked me because I seemed mature enough to discuss stuff like an adult but was the "same age" as them.
—I helped her through a tough time, and she came up with that, so I told her she was just confused.
—Are all boys stupid on purpose? I thought she said he was sweet to her! Saying she was "confused" is a total jerk move. How would he know what's she feeling?
—What did I do?
I take another sip of my drink, sorry that Jess had to hear something like that. She's running around and smiling with everyone, so I think she'll be ok.
Ben and Tyler come up to us with their arms full of bags.
—It's fireworks time, baby! They are incredibly excited as we all go down closer to the water and light them up. The big ones make the most incredible drawings in the air, and I used the smaller ones to write my name in the air and take a picture before it faded. We draw light circles around each other and pose for the camera too.
I needed this more than I wanted to admit. Walking away from all that made me realize how far deep I was inside my own head and overthinking every step I took. I'm not a full vampire, so my feelings are much more intense even after all these years, so I can't just live in isolation. I'm not a human, so I can't expect to have these people forever, but it never stopped me from interacting with them.
Dancing around the beach and doing fireworks is all I want to do for the rest of my life, but I have a responsibility to fulfill and a family I desperately miss. I've been giving Esme small answers all day and was dying to tell her about everything I did. I love her so much, and it hurts my heart to know I'm making her worry about me, but that's also part of what I am.
The morning is about to come, and I'm sitting on the sand with Seth standing behind me, looking at the waves. All the kids are about to go home or passed out on the sand.
—I think I get it now. I have an answer for he said to me the other night. An answer that will help me break this vicious cycle of self-pity and guilt. —What you said the other night about how I see myself, I understand it now. I told myself I couldn't help them, and it became my reality. I projected those feelings onto their words and actions and took my conclusions without properly listening to their reasons. David was right about me being in a cage, but no one put me there but myself.
Seth is listening in silence like I hoped he would.
—I'm not the same as them, but I wanted to be. So bad I couldn't stop comparing myself to a vampire, but I'm more than that. There is no category for 3/2 vampire, and that's ok. I am what I am. I'm capable of great things, and I won't keep secrets anymore. Seth, let's go home.
He reaches his hand to me, and we walk to the car together.
—Seth, come back! We party till the sunrise, baby! Tyler is completely drunk, and Ben is asleep on the sand next to him.
—Bye, Tyler! Bye Jess! Waving my arms in the air, I say goodbye to them for now. I earnestly wish to see them again, but I have a vampire to hunt.