DISCLAIMER: I own nothing from the Naruto universe. If I did, Naruto would obviously be a girl.?

Thinking

Biju, etc. speaking

Biju, etc. thinking

Emphasis

Naruto Uzumaki, no - Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze was a handful…

She snuck out at all hours of the day or night, pranking the hell out of every person that entered the Senju manor or that ever gave her a "look," driving her parents absolutely crazy with worry. She'd also made the Great Super Pervert Jiraiya her new hero, much to the chagrin of her father: the father she didn't seem to like at all. Her mother? One would believe that Naruto liked her, but Naruto believed she was trapped in a genjutsu and found every conceivable AND inconceivable excuse to prove that point.

What did Kakashi think? The one she called the "Chibi Copy-nin" as well as several other names that embarrassed him completely?

"He's got a Sharingan and could easily put me in a genjutsu, 'cause I suck at genjutsu and couldn't get out of one to save my life, dattabane!"

When they tried pointing out the living Uchihas in the village?

"Bastards have got that pink-eye disease and know that's the only way to defeat me," she'd say as she happily slapped her bicep. Every damn time!

And the times her father, the Yondaime, issued gentle orders to her while occasionally having a meal with his extended family/team?

"Meh: I probably WOULD listen to you if you were the real deal, Genjutsu-sama!"

At first, she had believed that the Sandaime was real when he had visited a couple of times, but still!

"Oi! You took my advice and got some hard-core wrinkle and liver spot cream, JiJi! Way to go! Maybe you can stop peakin' on naked ladies in that crystal ball of yours, and get yourself some real action, dattebay… Eeep!"

Yes, at least the Sandaime's glare put a tiny bit of fear in the petite blonde.

"Oi! This genjutsu ramen is the bomb! Arigatou, Captor-san!"

"Thank you, Naru-chan, I made it myself!" Kushina chirped while Tsunade shook her head and held her face in her hands - again - and Jiraiya ruffled his goddaughter's hair as he looked upon her with great fondness. Kakashi sighed, glad that at least for the moment she wasn't delving into his supposed perversions.

"Now, Naru-chan, whether you believe you're in a genjutsu or not, what you said to Mikoto-san and her boys today was very rude!"

"All I did was tell her that if that ugly baby is 'the Sasuke,' that he's definitely on the short road to Bastardhood. And that Itachi kid? Give me a break! Who the hell in her right mind names their kid after a mass murderer?!"

Oh, Naruto was absolutely serious, and she had told the boys' mother the same!

"I bet Mikoto didn't appreciate that," Minato mumbled as he slurped his broth loudly and appreciatively. He was at home, after all. "And watch your language, Naruto." He really wasn't sure what to do with his rambunctious teenage daughter from the future - who didn't believe for a second that she was really his daughter. At least she wasn't attacking him or attempting to do so anymore. She was fast, unpredictable, and hit and kicked really hard: there was a very good and obvious reason that she said she had been dubbed "The Nutcracker" in the future Leaf village she came from.

All Uzumaki women are terrifying! Minato's daughter was no exception.

Naruto wiped her mouth and chin on her genjutsu-new horrible frilly pink jacket that the otherwise awesome often-drunk lady gave her. She didn't care about wearing something so horrible since it was obviously designed to drive her insane and make her give up village secrets - as if I ever would - not that she knew any. Oh, there is the Kyuubi, which is inside me - but was that really a secret? It seemed pretty obvious, NOW anyway.

The whole thing was a series of really good illusions - not that she knew what a bad one would be in comparison, mind you. Sometimes Naruto almost wished that this was reality! Sitting at a dinner table with a makeshift family? It was nice, even though it was a lie. She could only imagine that if she did have a family, however, it really might have an old drunk woman pretending to be young, (fabricated Jiraiya told her the old lady was wearing a henge-type jutsu or something,) plus two unbelievably perverted guys with crazy hair, a scary redhead who could talk more than Naruto could even think…

Naruto even somewhat appreciated the way this Kushina character's scoldings and/or rapping her with a wooden spoon when she cursed sometimes. It was almost like having a real Mom. Naruto shook her head like a wet dog, getting that stupid idea right out of her head.

The Fake Yondaime, though? Naruto figured he was the one in charge and casting most of this nonsense. He was sly, quiet, and smart: that was for sure! He even had a "yellow flash" thing going on, the lame-o. If he was the real Yondaime, Naruto was certain he wouldn't say something as dumb as "be back in a flash," before he took off almost every time! In her mind, she gave the man two thumbs down and booed him soundly each time he did it. Sometimes she did it out loud, too, but by then he was always supposedly gone. The woman - she was supposed to be the great Tsunade - who could pound sake like no one's business always liked that and would laugh hard at how she "dissed her father."

Father: as if!

Kurama-sama wasn't a real help at all, but he did offer a sounding board, telling her to just be patient and warning her that she either shouldn't use chakra or that she should use massive amounts of it. That made no sense to her, but he seemed pretty smart - plus he was super-duper old, too. His idea was to go somewhere and blast out bijuu bombs, one after another until she "stabilized" for a while. He showed her how to do it, but warned Naruto that the only person she should tell was the redhead, and to swear her to secrecy.

The redhead seriously failed her there! Kushina told her "husband," the supposed Yondaime, that same night, and then Naru had to face a severe lecture by the blonde illusionist. Now there were seals on her pretend bedroom windows to stop her from escaping into the night.

Such bullshit!

Kurama was enjoying this situation thoroughly thus far. One, it was just very Naruto - the Naruto he had known for so many years - to protect him and not say anything about the stories and advice he was giving her when he told her to keep things quiet. Two, that blonde pile of toad shit had split him in half after being whole repeatedly, so seeing him miserable at being unliked was absolute "cake," as Naruto used to say. And three of course: entertainment value!

After promising not to unleash havoc on the village, and especially not use bijuu bombs, Naruto was finally allowed to accompany chibi-Kakashi to go to the store to get toilet paper, of all the mundane things. Just what were her captors after?!

Toilet paper, apparently.

"Maa, Naruto-hime…" Kakashi began, getting a glare from the petite blonde who was so obviously his sensei's daughter. They had all been told repeatedly by the girl that she didn't like honorifics - much like Kushina-nee - and that she was by no means a princess. "Yare, yare, don't look at me like that: you're the princess, like it or not." She just snorted but followed him through the village, examining the destruction from the fox's attack as they moved through that area. "You're much smaller than me, so it makes no sense that you call me chibi, ne?"

"Hmph. Grow a bunch, put on about fifty kilos, and then talk to me, Chibi Copy Nin!"

It's better than "Inu-stalker," I guess, not to mention "The Great Pervert, Hatake." Wait! FIFTY kilos? "Are you saying I'm fat in the future?!"

Naruto's eyes lit up in mischief. "Hai!" She internally howled at the horror that somehow showed so clearly through the lanky teenager's one eye.

"Who's that with the Friend Killer?" immediately came a voice from behind them.

"Don't know, she's probably next on his list," cracked another.

Naruto saw chibi-Kakashi flinch - and she'd noticed that the masked boy, whether he was an illusion or not, pretty much controlled his emotions to an extreme, as a good ninja should. He even did it at "home."

So those assholes are referring to him, huh?

Naruto hated bullies with a passion. It was one thing to make fun of her, but anyone else? Maybe she just didn't want anyone else to hurt the way she did at being called a "demon" and "monster," or even worse - she tried to put those other, even more extremely hurtful, humiliating names out of her mind - as she felt her blood boil. She glanced over and saw chibi-Kakashi's even more hunched over shoulders as another insult was thrown their way. No, HIS way: they're talking shit about HIM this time!

And he's not going to do anything about it?! Just as Kakashi reached for Naruto's arm to pull her away around the corner, the blonde sprang into action, attacking the two relentlessly.

At first, Kakashi was shocked. She moved so fast and was pounding the crap out of two fully grown men, even as they tried to defend themselves. And she defended me…

Wasn't that something? He quickly moved to her side to pry her off what he thought were two civilian men. They were all but begging and pushing at her to stop. Suddenly one of the men started going through hand signs for a fireball jutsu. Retired nin! He grabbed Naruto's arm to pull her to safety when he heard an incredibly distinctive sound. In Naruto's hand, a Rasengan had formed, attached to another Naruto - a shadow clone! "Naruto, no!"

He'd grabbed her too hard to pull her away from the morons. The Rasengan went off against the nearby, already damaged, shop's outside wall as he flung her into it, immediately dispelling the clone. She was knocked out as her head was hit by a piece of falling debris. "Fuck!" Kakashi picked her up gently, then slowly rounded on the assholes that had prompted this fiasco. "I will be reporting this to Lord Hokage," he growled before sunshinning Naruto back home.

Kushina spoke before she looked back at the children when they came through the door. "Did you get the toilet paper?! Wha... Naruto!"

Kakashi placed her down on the couch where Tsunade-hime immediately began examining then healing his charge: sensei's daughter! He took a few steps backward before running upstairs to his room, shaking the entire time.

"Tch! Gimme a fucking break - why the hell is Yondaime-sama letting that brat walk around? He should be imprisoned for killing his fellow comrades! 'Friends' my ass!" The man moved and let out a grunt as he traced his hand along the right side of his chest.

"To Hell with him, Sero. Did you see that girl?" Saiko asked quietly as he sat up slowly and gently stroked his bruised jaw.

"Course I saw the bitch! I think she broke at least one of my ribs," Sero replied as he wiped the blood away from his lips and chin.

Saiko stared at the impression the girl's jutsu had made in the wall: what was left of it, thinking hard in his inebriated state as he considered the girl's animalistic actions and… face! "Sero-kun: have ya ever wondered what happened to the demon fox? I think I know... C'mon, we need to let the others know."