Part XIV: Networking

Ivan Ivanovich sat in his cubicle at Obsessive Voyeur magazine, tapping a pencil against his desk. When he had made that deal with the Muppets, he might have bitten off more than he could chew. The locations of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy were two of the most carefully guarded secrets in Hollywood. Nobody, but nobody, knew where they lived these days. And the people who did know weren't talking.

But if he could get the information and the interview, he would definitely get a raise and maybe even a promotion. All right, then. Time to get to work.

But where to start? Well, Kermit was still doing Sesame Street appearances. Ivan opened his file of contacts and browsed through it. Maybe a fellow cast member would know where he was. Ivan didn't have any information on how to directly contact any of the Sesame Street cast—just the names and numbers of their publicists, and they weren't going to give him any personal information on their stars. But then he came across his notes from the last Muppet article he'd written and got an idea.

He picked up the phone and dialed. An older man picked up, barking, "What do you want?"

"Uh." Ivan was already sweating. "Is this Mr. Statler?"

"No, this is Waldorf, his better half."

Through the phone Ivan could hear someone else shout, "Is it for me?", and Waldorf shouted back, "No, you old fool! Go back to sleep!"

"Mr. Waldorf," Ivan tried again, "I was wondering if you happened to—"

There was a loud noise on the other end, followed by some muffled shouting. Then Ivan heard Statler's voice. "Hello? Hello?"

"Mr. Statler?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

From the background Waldorf called out, "That's what I was trying to find out."

"This is Ivan Ivanovich. I'm a staff writer with Obsessive Voyeur magazine."

"Ah, yes," said Statler. "I buy that magazine all the time."

Ivan couldn't help smiling. "Really? You do?"

"Of course. It makes great lining for the canary cage!" And then both old men burst out in laughter. "Do ho ho ho!"

Ivan shook his head. He'd walked right into that one. "But in all seriousness," he continued, "I was hoping you might be able to help me. I'm trying to locate Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy."

"The pig and the frog? What do you want with them?" asked Statler.

"More importantly, what's in it for us?" added Waldorf.

"Gentlemen, please, have pity. I'm trying to reunite the Muppets. You know, get the gang back together. Surely you can support that goal."

"Well … " Waldorf thought it over. "You know, there is one thing I like about that theater."

"Really?" Statler sounded surprised. "What's that?"

"It shut down ten years ago."

"Do ho ho ho!"

Ivan rolled his eyes, even though he knew they couldn't see. "All right then. I'll try someone else. Thank you for your time."

"Wait! Now hold on." Statler sighed. "The truth is, I guess I do miss them. Just a little!"

Ivan grinned. He just knew the old coots must have a soft spot.

"Ever write that in that magazine of yours, and we'll sue," warned Waldorf.

"But," Statler continued, "we only know where the pig is. We don't know what happened to the frog."

"Gentlemen, I will take whatever I can get."