Prequel to Farewell Angel
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
Yusuke sits on a rock, looking at the ocean. Five years ago, with Keiko, the crepusculous sea looked so warm… so peaceful… like her blushing cheek… like her splendid kiss. Five years later, when only Yusuke remains, the sea is still peacefully blue like ever. Even the wind and the mountain chain distant in the open sea seem as if they tinted the colour of the sky to become so blue… It is the first time in my life I realize that 'peaceful' does not mean 'happy'.
When I am just about to walk up and sit next to him, I see him stands up yelling to the nothingness of the wind.
" TELL ME! IS IT A GUILT TO LOVE SOMEBODY!"
And even when the wind doesn't answer, only the cool breathe of the sea sweeps back, I know that every bits of his memories is coming up one after another with the toll of time…
Memories about Keiko…
" Fancy looking at the afternoon sea, huh Yusuke?"
" Kurama? I didn't hear you come."
" Sorry, I don't have a handkerchief, only some pieces of tissue for you."
" Why in hell would I need that?"
" Because you're crying, aren't you ?"
Yusuke touches his cheek with a start. I sit down next to him.
" No, foxxie, I'm not crying. It's just… the rain. Yes, the rain."
" Come on Yusuke, there are way better excuses like 'The sea hit my face' or ' The sand got in my eyes'."
Yusuke slowly shakes his head and turns to me, smiling weakly " The rain in my soul…"
Yes. He has pretended to be a cold man when he witnessed the kiss of his lover and his best friend under the rain.
He also didn't cry when he heard about Keiko and Kuwabara's wedding. He showed none emotions to everyone when he knew Keiko was pregnant this morning even though he was dying inside. He covers himself with ice.
" But the ice melts easily in front of you…"
Loneliness in his heart… melts to be tears…
I move closer. " Do you mind if I stay ?"
" Please do. I prefer to be alone now, but you are a special case."
" Thank you."
I don't know how long we sit there in silence. I only know I feel very close to him, and he also feels the same.
" Kurama ?"
" Yes ?"
" I cannot forget her."
" Keiko ?"
" I never imagined this would happen even in my craziest dream. How did things go this far ? How can't I forget her when things go this far ? Everything happened so sudden… I didn't even have time to cry…" He stops to wipe the tears. " I had always hoped that… somehow… she would have returned… but now…"
" Don't try to forget her."
" Why ?"
" Because if you try, you would always fail. Facts still exist."
" Really ?"
" Really really."
" You are… right. I've tried every way I could but I still remember everything."
" Stop trying to forget. You'll feel better that way."
He suddenly holds my hand. When did his hand become so… cold ?
" I like it. You are always so warm." He added " Even warmer than Keiko. So warm that it becomes hot. Ouch… you burned me!"
I laugh. " So glad hearing you joke again."
" How long haven't I joke ?"
At that moment, we look straight to each other's eyes. Unknowingly, I reach forward to hug Yusuke. He doesn't disobey. He place his head on my chest. Sometimes Yusuke can be so small.
" Man, can you imagine how fast time goes ? Seems like just yesterday I was fourteen, innocent and full of vitality. I never thought I could actually be matured out of that age."
Right. I myself don't realize that Yusuke has grown up during the years. May be I can see the others maturing, but not Yusuke.
" Seems like just yesterday I kissed her right over there…"
" Seeing Keiko and Kuwabara like that must hurt you. Even I myself at first thought that the feeling between him and her was merely a crush. Because you and her were so close."
" Love is so cruel sometimes, isn't it?"
" Maybe, maybe not. Do you really regret loving Keiko?"
" Heck, I don't. For all that we've been through… I still remember… and will not be able to forget… that forceful feeling running through my heart when she ran into the fire alone to save my corpse. It was hard to believe such things like someone could come back from death those days, you know. But a little faith from love afterlife could make her so brave and willing to risk everything, including her life to save something she wasn't even sure that it existed… Oh, no… not again…"
" Cry if you want to Yusuke."
" No. No, I won't cry for myself."
We fall into silence. Then he said quietly:
" I'm so selfish, aren't I? It is no guilt to love somebody after all. She just chooses the one she loves, and I have no right to be sad of her like this."
" Sadly Yusuke, love isn't giving all you have. My experiences through the years I've lived tell me so. Do you think there is any existing human, demon or spirit who doesn't feel painful in a situation like yours? No one can refuse mourning for his love when it flies away. If not then it isn't love, it is something fake, something untrue, some kind of lie. As you see, real love gave you just wonderful feelings, and believe me, it worths the pain."
The sun is setting. It looks exactly like that day when they shared their first kiss.
" I'm still afraid of this scene." Yusuke mumbles, eyes gazing down and away.
" Why can't you just face it?"
" I can't. I just can't."
" Well at least face it once today with me Yusuke. It's beautiful."
He gazes up. " Yeah… it really is…"
The moon quickly takes place of the sun, dusting the stars. It is always so nice to be lying down the beach and watching the stars.
" Do you know why the stars at the beach are always brighter Yusuke ?"
" Tell me. I have no ideal."
" Because there are no electric streetlights. Streetlights are too light that they fade the stars."
I open my eyes and see that we are still at the beach. I wake Yusuke.
" Man, how long have we been asleep ?"
" I don't know. It must be very late at night now. We've been lying here for hours."
" I can't believe I could sit like that. May be the reason why I could is that you are here."
For a moment, we are silent. Then I say:
" The others must be worried about us by now. It was the middle of the conversation and we ran away, no where to be found."
" I ran away. You just followed me. And the others, brush them aside. They can't even figure out this place I would have come to. Only you knew where to find me. Don't let the thoughts about them ruin tonight."
" Are you hurt ?"
" Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken."
" Bad dream ?"
He is shocked.
" How do you know ?"
" I always know. I always feel… somehow… I'm not sure…"
" I wanna… I…"
" What is it Yusuke-san ?"
Nobody ever called him that. Not even Keiko.
Yusuke falls to my chest.
" I've gotta cry for me!"
He starts sobbing loudly. " Promise me… that you'll… never leave… my side…"
" I swear."
" Is it… forever or… just a moment… like Keiko… like… my nightmare ?"
" No, Yusuke-san, this moment is forever." I put my left arm around him and use my right hand to rub his hair gently. " Because… ai shiteru."
" Damn fox, you know everything, don't you ? I hate you for that! I hate you for melting my shell! I hate you for comforting me! I hate you for making me cry! I hate you for loving me! I hate you for everything you are! I hate you for everything you do! I… hate you… I hate… I… hate you because… because…"
He kisses me.
" I love you."