Chapter 16

Tris POV

When we break apart, my eyes are still close. Four leans his forehead to mine and I smile at the coy gesture. When I open my eyes, I pull away slightly and see his expression mirrors mine.

"I hope you know that after this, there is no possible way I can stay away…" he says.

"Yeah. I'm sorry I said that" I start "but still maybe we should keep a small distance… at least until training is over" I say. I doubt Four would give me any special treatment, not that I would want it any way, I think he may be the most just person here.

He sighs deeply "I wont lie, that won't be easy, but it I can manage".

I just smile at his response.

"Just promise me you won't shut me out," he asks, "I will keep my distance but I need to make sure you understand the situation" he hesitates. "No one can know about your divergence, not during training, nor afterwards. There's only so much I can do to protect you during training" He takes both my hands and places a kiss to them. Its weird how comfortable I am with this open affection.

"Stage 3 is similar to the fear simulations we are doing, but its one of the most challenging," He turns to look at the horizon with a weary expression on his face. "We explore your fear landscape, each initiate will go through it and find a way to face all of their fears."

"All of them?" I ask sounding more perplexed than I meant.

"Yup, but the challenging part is that you go through it with the Dauntless leaders watching…" he adds carefully "All fears exposed."

I think about this for a moment. So far, one of my fears has been losing Caleb, but I know it's only a matter of time for Marcus to appears on it. This is not good, not good at all. "How do we know how many fears we have?" I ask.

"You don't, I've seen as many as 20 in Dauntless initiates" He looks down at my hand still in his, eyeing my palm carefully "Some have less, some have more, some may have superficial fears, others deep meaningful ones…" He sighs deeply, his demeanor changing to serious "It's the part of initiation that I dislike the most… seeing the initiates struggle, its.. hard at times."

His eyes returning to mine, a small deflating smile. "Specially when you care about the person…" he finishes.

Knowing he cares about me warms me up inside, I wish I could express myself that easily, maybe someday I can, if I can with anyone its him. "I can understand that, exposing your fears is, I guess, the way to fully know a person. See who they are and what breaks them, no wonder its parts of Dauntless. But I'm not sure how to feel about it being exposed to everyone… its such a private.. thing, most inner fears" I say, I can't imagine what it must feel like, for everyone to know my weakness, for them to see it, witness it. Ugh, it sends a cold shiver through my spine. I wish there was a way to avoid it.

He looks as me intently "It is, that why its important to be very careful Tris, you're divergent, you'll be aware, you can manage but you need to face the fears as commonly as everyone else," He places his hands cupping my face "as hard as they may be…"

I start to wonder; how can anyone prepare for his? How can you know exactly how many fears you have? The thought seems farfetched to me. "How many fears do you have?" I ask.

He looks at me intently, almost searching for the answer in my eyes. God I could get lost in his eyes forever.

"Take a guess." He says, as if the answer if staring me right in the face. He waits, looking into my eyes. For a moment I get lost in this stare forgetting the question. I tear my eyes away and think about it for a moment. How could I know how many fears he has.. how can anyone know? Unless they are the leaders who've seen his fear landscape, and then it hits me. His name. His nickname.

"Four." I answer. He smiles and looks down as if he's somehow embarrassed of it.

Four fears? He has only four fears. Four. Four! "How can anyone have four fears only…?" I ask incredulously. "That's…"

"Not up to me really" he interjects as if he somehow wasn't the most fearless person I now know. Literally. "That's amazing, really." I state.

"You don't have much control of how many fears you have Tris; you do however have the choice to over come them. And that's what it's about it..." He says turning to look beyond the city below us. "The fears we get, grow up with, we have a chance to face them, to leave them behind and become stronger from them."

His words echo in my mind. I turn away suddenly thinking about losing Caleb. The helpless feeling I had as I watched the life slipping out of him, dreadfulness settling in. I close my eyes trying to push that thought away. My heart sinking to my stomach realizing I will have to relive that situation over. "I'll never get through this stage. I'm not brave enough…" I say simply.

Four stares at me like I have just grown a third eye. "Not brave enough?" he asks raising an eyebrow.

I questionably state the obvious. "You saw it yourself… if I'm exposed-" I start. "When I'm exposed, they'll know. Because its probably one of my fears, them knowing I'm divergent."

Even looking away, I can feel his eyes on me. Melting my inside if I look his way. Yeez focus Tris, focus.

"It won't matter how many fears you have. You're one of the bravest persons I know, I can see it. I have seen it." I turn to look at him, his deep blue eyes full of something I have never quite seen before… Pride? Satisfaction? "Fear doesn't shut you down, it wakes you up- its fascinating" he adds. "A true dauntless quality …"

"If you're divergent, and know how dangerous it is, why did you transfer to this faction?" I ask.

"How do you know I'm a transfer?" he responds.

"I guess I didn't until just now." I smile. Waiting for his answer.

"I guess I was just… attracted, curious of this faction." His eyes take a faraway look that I know means he is remembering something. Funny how in such a short time I already know these little things about him. A feeling of satisfaction goes through me, and I wonder if he has picked up on little things like that about me too.

"I would see them at school and think how great it must be to feel such freedom, to be pushed to your limits and fuel up on adrenalin" smiling he continues "thinking of the Dauntless manifesto.. 'Believing in shouting for those who can only whisper, to stand up for others.' To me that was such an extraordinary thing, bravery. To protect and serve everything we stand up for." He finishes. "Dauntless isn't all that bad, being the muscle, I mean…" he pauses before adding "of course I didn't know that until I started digging into the Erudite and founds those plans. I guess somewhere along the lines the leadership changed, divergents went from being a threat to being the target… the idea of what it used to stand for was worthy to me. But to be completely honest, I didn't just want to be one thing. I want to be brave, selfless, and smart, and honest and kind" he smiles as he says the last part.

And I'm speechless. Here I thought the perfect guy was a myth. I stand corrected. I can think of nothing purer than him wanting to be all these things, wanting to be selfless and kind, to be smart and honest. I look up at his eyes and see a longing that does not go unanswered, a feeling that is mutual. An electric current that is pulling us together with a force stronger than steel itself. As if reading my mind, we both move in closer, our lips meeting halfway.

Time speeds up and slows down all at once, our lips dancing together, synchronized as if they've known each other forever. His right hand moving to my chin pulling it up, while I rest my hand on his chest and I feel his heartbeat racing just like mine.

We pull away breathless, content to finally be showing our affection. He hugs me to his chest, and I inhale him, his scent revitalizing every inch of me. I have never hugged anyone this way, no one has held me the way he does. The way only he can, I correct. He's closeness is the only one I have ever accepted, liked. And if I'm being completely honest, his is the only one I need.

We stay embraced this way for some minutes, a comfortable silence settles in while we contemplate the view below us. I almost forgot his fear of heights while being up here, he however hasn't even showed it.

Four fears, one of them being heights and I wonder what the other three may be. His nickname linked to his fears, immortalizing him in Dauntless. But now I'm curious to know his name. His real name.

"Four?" I ask

He must have been deep in thought, zoned out jumping at my question.

"What is your real name?" I question. An amused expression washes over him.

"My name," he starts "my real name is Tobias Prior… son of Natalie and Andrew Prior" he says.

Those names, they're… he's… Abnegation.

Just like me. Another common thing between us, we both grew up in a selfless home.

Well as selfless as it was living with Marcus, but I know our parenting role models is something we didn't share.

I try and conjure up a mental picture of his parents, but I can't really make them out so well. They are on the council with Marcus though, Prior is a name I recognize from hearing it often in faction meetings. They seemed to be decent people, unlike their fellow Abnegation leader. The secrets Marcus hid are know to only Caleb and I, to everyone else he was always a role model parent, upstanding father figure who had to raise his two children alone. The pity we received when our mother passed away was nothing compared to the rage we received from him there on afterwards. The memory of our mother long gone, almost forgotten. Almost.

"Do you miss them?" I ask suddenly "your parents I mean".

He takes a deep breath, I know what that's like, thinking of a past family we can no longer see.

"I do." He simply says.

"I know the feeling" I add. "I miss Caleb all the time too, specially after he transferred out…" I say longingly.

"What about your dad?" he asks looking down at me, "Do you not miss him too?"

My silence is the answer he gets. I don't think a can talk about Marcus to anyone other than my brother. No one can understand. Hoping I don't open a can of worms I change the subject quickly.

"We should head back… its getting late." I say not really wanting to leave.

He eyes me carefully but smiles when my eyes reach his. "We need to meet up again soon." He hugs me tightly once more before adding "Not sure how long I can manage being ignored by my girlfriend while initiation is still going, but if it means we can finally be together afterwards, I'll endure it happily."

And with that simple statement he fills the whole in my heart, a promise of a new path ahead for us, together. No longer alone.

I smile at thought, a hopeful future with my, can't believe I'm saying it, boyfriend.