Title: A Typical Harry Potter Fanfic

Author: Anathema2

Summary: A parody of fanfic clichés everywhere. Don't worry, I write this out of love. Mostly.

Warnings: Irreverence, silliness, mild sexual innuendo, illegal Animagi, and words with three or more syllables.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I do not own anything. I live in a shoebox. I am so hungry. Please send help.

Chapter 3: In Which Evil is Afoot

On a normal day in any given month, the Gryffindors were falling asleep during a Divination lecture that was probably taken verbatim from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

"Neville," said Professor Trelawney mistily, "you're going to die."

James opened his mouth to say something sarcastic about how his name was not Neville and how he did not plan to die until he was quite old, but he quickly shut his mouth again after remembering that foreshadowing was last chapter.

"This is really boring," Sirius said. The class laughed uproariously, as they did whenever Sirius opened his mouth.

Trelawney glared at him. "Well, Mister Black, that's what you get for taking Divination in your first year."

"Hey, look!" shouted a forgettable tertiary character, pointing at a window that had magically appeared because the author was too lazy to go back and verify that Trelawney's classroom actually has windows. "It's a vaguely sinister-looking guy on the Hogwarts grounds! Perhaps we should alert Professor Dumbledore!"

"Pssh," said James. "If we did that, we'd be much less likely to end up dead. Let's go out and investigate!"

"Yaay! Mortal peril!" cheered the other students, rushing from the classroom to the grounds.

Once the students reached the grounds, the sinister-looking man was still exactly where he had been before. The students all eyed him warily.

Finally, Peter squoke up—er, spoke up. "Hi, Your Sinisterness," he said. "Who are you?"

"I'm so glad you asked," cackled the man in a high, cold voice that sounded oddly like a certain aspiring dark lord. "I am evil beyond all imagination. I am the dark lord Grindelwald!"

Lily cleared her throat. "No, you aren't. Grindelwald was defeated in ."

The sinister man frowned, puzzled. "In that case, I am Count Olaf."

Lily shook her head. "No."

"Darth Marchedevie?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Osama bin Laden?"

"Nice try."

"Newt Gingrich?"

"I should hope not."

"Fine!" the man shrieked, stamping his foot. "I'll be Lord Tromedlov."

"Fine," said Lily. "You're Tromedlov."

Peter gasped. "Name the not speak!" he cried.

Raising her eyebrows at Peter, Lily asked, "So, how did you get here and what are you doing?"

"Well," Tromedlov said casually, "I Apparated here so that I could take over your school and use it as a Dark wizard training facility."

"Eek!" shouted the students.

"Wait!" cried Lily. "According to Hogwarts, A History, you can't Apparate on school grounds!"

Tromedlov was livid. "Dammit!" he screeched. "You've found the flaw in my plan! I must kill you! But first I must terrorize you and go off on a rant!" So saying, he pointed his wand at the nearest student and shouted, "Avada kedavra!"

"Oh, my God!" cried the students. "They killed…um…some guy…"

Tromedlov, meanwhile, had pointed his wand at Lily and begun a five-minute bout of cackling. The previously self-sufficient Lily, proving herself to be a complete idiot in the face of danger, was wringing her hands in despair. "Oh, won't somebody save me?" she wailed. "Look at how cute and appealing I am when I'm in distress!"

"Don't worry!" James shouted. "I'll save you!" With a heroic cry, he leapt forward and stepped on Tromedlov's foot.

"Owwie!" cried Tromedlov. "You hurt meeeee!"

James raised his wand and cried, "Locomotor mortis!"

"Auggghhhh!" shrieked Tromedlov. "Even though you are only a first year magic student, your powers are overwhelming! I'm melting…" He glared at James. "This isn't over!" he yelled, as his torso turned to liquid. "I'll get you, my pretties, and your little dog toooo…" With that, he disappeared.

"Dog?" Remus whispered to Sirius. "He must mean you."

"Don't be stupid," Sirius said. "I'm not a—WHOA! SQUIRREL!" he shouted, and bounded off towards the Forbidden Forest.

"Thanks for saving me," Lily said to James. "But why did you do it? I thought you hated me."

James shrugged. "I 'unno," he said. "I guess I wanted to keep you alive so I could keep insulting you. And possibly sleep with you."

Lily groaned. "If that ever happens, I hope the Dark Lord kills me," she said.

A/n: Sorry this one took way longer than it should have. I am so bad with deadlines. I think we'll change the usual update time from "every Thursday" or whatever it was to "whenever I feel like it." But I think you can expect another chapter to show its face before Thanksgiving (that's next Thursday, for the non-Americans among you). Much love, and thanks for the reviews.