Chapter 6: Everybody's Talkin' at Me

Everybody's talkin' at me.

I don't hear a word they're sayin',

Only the echoes of my mind.

And I won't let you leave my love behind.

Every CSI who had been partnered, even briefly, with Danny Messer would talk about one habit which drove them crazy, which was his complete inability to sit still. "He is the most restless person I have ever met," Aiden had once confided in Stella. "It's like he's always revving a little too high."

Stella sighed when she looked into the lab where Danny was working today. That energy was gone, had been gone for some time, she realized. Danny worked as hard as ever, maybe harder, but he was so contained, so silent. There were no teasing smiles or practical jokes. Everyone had noticed that Lindsay was no longer Montana, and perhaps no one was too surprised, given the tension between that former team, but it was so much more than that, Stella thought. All the light in him had dimmed, and not even she could reach him.

She desperately wanted him to talk to a counselor, but she knew he would fight her to the death on that one. He had done his mandatory sessions after Louie's beating, and again after Aiden's death, but Stella wasn't stupid. She knew perfectly well that Danny had done what they all did when forced into getting their head shrunk: they lay low, said just enough to pass, and then went out and got drunk, or ran themselves stupid, or did whatever they needed to do to get through the nights.

But Danny was putting it all into work: his guilt over Louie, his grief over Aiden, his fears that all the people he loved would be hurt or killed in the line of duty. It was hard, Stella thought, to be a cop. Everyone you spent time with every day was at risk in ways that ordinary people weren't. And Danny's life was in the lab: all his friends, all his family.

Stella couldn't help but feel responsible for him; it was part of what made her such a good friend. She was "big sister to the world" in all the best ways. But there was more to this – as a member of the team, she knew that something had to give. The growing storm she had talked about with Flack and Mac only a week ago had passed, which should have felt like a good thing. However, if that tension had been leading up to a storm, this felt more like the utter stillness people in Florida and on the coast talked about just before a hurricane. A storm can drench, flood, and damage; a hurricane can kill.

Stella wandered over to another part of the lab, and watched the other source of her unease through another walled of glass. Although Lindsay had worked with them for nearly a year, Stella didn't feel she knew her well enough to figure out what she needed to help her through this difficult time. Lindsay had known neither Aiden nor Louie, but had fought hard to solve both cases. The attack on Stella herself had seemed to shake Lindsay more than it should: Stella considered Lindsay a friend, but they weren't so close that Lindsay should experience such trauma.

She'd had enough trauma of her own the last few months: Lindsay had been blown up twice, and come face to face with a killer with a gun. Unlike most cops, she had not balked at going to the department shrink for even a moment. Indeed, she had seemed relieved to go, and had been quickly cleared for duty.

"I'm not buying it, little Miss Butter-wouldn't-melt," Stella said just under her breath, "I am so not buying it."

She turned impetuously to look for Mac. Somehow she needed him to see the people working for him as more than just foot soldiers. He was happy as long as things were moderately quiet and the lab could run efficiently, but if he couldn't feel the lava flowing under him, she could, and it was time to talk about it.

She took one step and ran straight into him. He had noticed her restless prowl through the office, and had come to see what was going on. She put a hand to her bumped nose and laughed up at him. "We've got to stop meeting like this!" she joked.

Mac's face lit up with a smile, but his eyes remained concerned. "What's up, Stel? You seem worried."

Why did she always think of him as unemotional? He was pretty good at picking up on her insecurities, at least. Of course, she admitted with a quick inward grin, she was hardly subtle in the feelings department. Mac had once wryly said Stella's emotions were one of Earth's physical features that could be seen from space. She replied equally seriously, "We need to talk, Mac, out of the office and privately, but very soon."

"Lunch?"

"Now?"

"Meet you at Gelman's deli in 10, okay?"

"Thanks, Mac."