Chapter 11: Friends will be friends Part 2
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hands 'cos friends will be friends
Right till the end
Stella stood in the entranceway of Lindsay's apartment block. She knew that Lindsay was off-shift – Stella was a detective, and had checked her facts before she left the restaurant. She knew Lindsay's apartment was in the front of the building, because Lindsay had told her that she loved to watch the New York street out her window. There were no lights on, though, which seemed strange at 10:00 in the evening. And Stella had rung the admittance buzzer twice so far, and there was no answer.
"Out?" Stella wondered. "I guess it's possible, but …" Stella thought back to Lindsay's tight, focused face at work. She hadn't looked as if she was contemplating a night out, at least not with any real pleasure. "I'm not giving up now," Stella said under her breath. She couldn't completely ignore a little sliver of fear just under her breastbone. She wasn't sure: perhaps she had tried so hard to convince first Mac, then Flack that there was a real problem, that she had now exaggerated her feelings into fears. However, she was a good enough cop not to underrate intuition. She really needed to get in there.
A young couple was coming up the stairs, and stopped to look at her a bit suspiciously. She smiled, but pulled out her badge just to allay their concern.
"Hi, I'm Detective Bonasera from the NYPD crime lab. Do either of you know Detective Lindsay Monroe?" At their cautious nods, she went on, "Have you seen her tonight?"
The young woman spoke up, "I live on the same floor. I guess, if you're a cop, I could let you in…?" Her voice trailed off a little uncertainly, but seemed relieved when Stella gave her trademark smile.
Once at the door, Stella hesitated a moment. She really didn't have to do this: she knew how she would feel if someone from the office took it upon themselves to check up on her when she had gone home to sleep early after weeks of over-time shifts. She had all but convinced herself she was over-reacting when she heard an unexpected sound behind the door.
All thoughts of leaving vanished, and she gave two sharp raps on the door.
"Lindsay? It's Stella. Open the door; I have to talk to you."
She waited a moment, then knocked on the door again, smiling at the young woman who had let her into the building, "Come on, Linds. I'm looking like a fool here. Let me in."
She heard the lock snap back and the chain drop and stepped inside as soon as the door slid open. She knew what she was going to find, and she didn't want to expose Lindsay to her neighbour's curious stares and whispers more than she had to.
As soon as she was through the door, she reached out and pulled the sobbing young woman into her arms. "Thank God, thank God," she kept thinking. "Thank God I didn't leave." All the while she was rubbing Lindsay's back, soothing her with soft murmurs, letting her cry. She led her into the small living room which looked over the street, and steered her to the couch. Stella pulled a blanket over Lindsay, trying to stop her shaking, and waiting for the crying to slow down. When Lindsay could breath again, Stella said, "I'm going to make you something hot to drink. Kitchen through here?"
Lindsay nodded, still shaken with the occasional sob, but made to get up off the couch to show her where things were.
"Oh no, you don't," Stella said with her firmest look. "Stay."
By the time Stella had found and made tea, Lindsay was over her sobbing fit and deeply ashamed of letting herself go in front of a colleague, especially Stella, whom she admired desperately. She took the offered mug of tea with an almost inaudible thanks, and sipped a little too quickly. The heat brought tears back into her eyes, or at least that was the excuse she intended to give.
"Okay, girl, spill." Stella was not going until she got the whole story. "Did something happen at home?"
How would she know? Lindsay wondered. She wasn't allowed to contact people at home. She shook her head, not wanting Stella to dig any deeper into that topic.
"Then is it work? Was there a case that tripped you up?" Stella's voice was deliberately matter-of-fact. If Lindsay didn't know yet that every investigator, every cop, had a few unshakeable cases, even in New York, she better learn the hard lesson right now.
Lindsay closed her eyes and let her head fall back on the couch. She shook her head again.
"Is it Danny?" Stella's voice this time was low.
Lindsay shuddered. How could she tell Stella what she had done, how she had destroyed everything? She wasn't blind or a fool. She knew that Danny was deeply unhappy, and she knew that everyone in the lab was walking around him on eggshells. She was to blame, and somehow she had to make it right. The fact that no one else seemed to blame her made it even more her fault, somehow.
With a sigh, she reached over, grabbed a piece of paper off the coffee table, and handed it to Stella. With a quick glance, Stella read through a draft of a resignation letter. She didn't even bother with the careful sentences, outlining Lindsay's supposed "change in career goals" which was leading her to accept a position with another crime lab in, Stella was surprised to notice, Toronto, Canada.
"Is this real? This job in Canada?" She was careful to keep her voice perfectly uninflected. She didn't want to set off any emotional reaction in her suspect, at least not yet.
Lindsay nodded, her eyes closed again. "I've been asked. Haven't accepted yet."
Stella sat back, blew on her tea and took a sip. Then she sat up again and crashed her mug on the coffee table, soaking the draft letter she had set back down a moment before, and swearing under her breath.
Lindsay jumped, but then sat back. She deserved whatever crap Stella dished out. She rushed to speak before Stella could tear into her.
"It's better this way, Stel. I don't belong here, not really…" Lindsay's voice gave out again, and Stella turned on the couch and gripped the woman's hands in hers, holding on tightly.
"Listen to me. Just listen to me, Lindsay Monroe. We've lost Aiden, nearly lost Don, and are losing Danny every day, little by little. If you leave now, we can't fix any of that. You belong here. You're part of the team. We love you." With each impassioned statement, Stella shook Lindsay's hands, slack in hers until finally Lindsay turned them and gripped her hands back.
Her eyes were still filled with tears, but her warm smile moved, a little shakily over her face. "I've never been yelled at before while someone told me she loved me."
"Well," Stella said, a bit sheepishly, "Sometimes it takes a little noise to break through. Now," she sat back, curling her legs up under her on the couch, but keeping their hands loosely clasped, "Tell me what's been happening, and don't leave out any details."