NybCR: A WARNING to everyone who's about to read this: this story is meant only for those who have a high, HIGH tolerance for utter and complete stupidity, terrible writing, more stupidity, and a potentially illegal amount of uncreative Mary Sues. You have been warned!

NybCR: Yah! Reviews! I feel so special!

to Heather: Oh. Um... okay then, each unto his own, I guess...

to Liberating Penguins: (blinks) Umm... I forgot about Roger Davies. (insert curses) I mean (COUGH, COUGH) the Mary Sues forgot about Roger Davies, a mistake I will have to fix for them... or something... um... yeah.

to ThelovelyladyLily: AN ENTIRE C2 COMMUNITY FOR MARY SUES! (faints)

NybCR: For this chapter, the Marty Stus will put their plan into effect, everyone will be sorted, and Dumbledore will prove that he is, even in a Mary Sue story, quite smart. But don't listen to me handing out spoilers, read on!

Edit: Erm... I wrote "first" before, but it really starts in Harry's FIFTH year. I revised it now but, for anyone who read it before then, I did mean fifth. Sorry! I don't know how I missed that when I was editing...

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. Am reluctant to say I own the Mary Sues and Marty Stus. Ah, what the hey. They're MINE and you can't have them.

Chapter One
We're Transfer Students, Honest

The Mary Sues used their magic teleportation powers to magically teleport to Hogwarts. Amazingly (or not-so-amazingly since they're Mary Sues), they arrived just as the first years did. The Marty Stus arrived at this time as well, but their port key took them right in front of the Entrance Hall, so no one saw them immediately since Professor McGonagall never came to the Entrance Hall until a split second before the first years.

(Oh, and the author would like to inform the readers that this story is taking place in Harry's fifth year. She would also like to grumble about how both the Mary Sues and the Marty Stus were too lazy to tell the readers this themselves, but she has an awful lot of writing to do.)

Anyway, the Mary Sues went into the boats and across the lake with the other first years, and once they got to the other side, they entered the Great Hall in all their smiling perfection, and for some inexplicable reason, guys everywhere in the Great Hall were stunned into silence by the beauty they saw. So beautiful and perfect were they, in fact, that Colin Creevey ran up to them and started snapping pictures like a madman and Malcolm Baddock (some anonymous Slytherin who nobody really knows) was blinded by their awesome perfection and was dragged to the Hospital Wing by two other anonymous Slytherins.

Dumbledore was looking at them questioningly. "You don't look like first years."

"Oh, we're not first years. We're transfer students from Beauxbatons, Durmstrang, and Salem," Marianne explained. When Dumbledore still looked skeptical, she added in her most charismatic tone, "Honest."

Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling, suddenly taken over by Marianne's amazing charisma (or so the Mary Sues believed, but the author knows otherwise). "Ah, yes… now I remember. The transfer students. All right, all of you, you will be sorted once the first years are finished."

So, while the first years were sorted, the Mary Sues began preening themselves, glancing at their desired boys/men. Then, just as the last first year was finished (some anonymous kid named James Zambezi), the doors of the Great Hall opened, and fourteen Marty Stus entered, awing every female in the great room - except for the Mary Sues, who were enraged - but stunningly so - by the arrival of the Marty Stus.

"What are you doing here?" Marianne demanded of Martin, her emerald eyes glowing (literally glowing, I mean) with charismatic indignation.

Martin just smiled courageously. "Why, we're the rest of the transfer students, of course," he replied.

"Why should we believe you?" Marilyn "Strong" Zoey hissed, her smooth biceps tensing with rage and strength. "How do we know you're not spies for Voldemort trying to get into Hogwarts?"

But Martin just smiled. "How can we be spies? We have them with us, don't we?" Martin courageously gestured to several people behind him who the Mary Sues hadn't noticed before. Many of them gasped, and a few swooned: for there was Viktor Krum, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Oliver Wood, Bill Weasley, and Cedric Diggory.

Dumbledore smiled and stood. "Ah, yes. Don't worry, ladies, I remember these fellows. I asked them here, myself, actually. Students, before you become alarmed by the appearance of Sirius Black and Cedric Diggory, let me explain. You see, it turns out Cedric never died; he was only in a coma and wasn't killed by the Avada Kedavra because he was so close to Harry Potter, who is immune to that spell."

(The author would like to inform the readers that she is gagging at what she is presently writing, and that this lame excuse for an excuse was the Mary Sues' idea. She would like to add that what she is about to write in the next paragraph is also the Mary Sues' idea, and the author had nothing to do with it except for typing it. Thank you.)

"As for Sirius Black," Professor Dumbledore continued, ignoring the author's note, "his innocence of all crimes charged against him has been proven by the sighting of Peter Pettigrew and the recording of his drunken confessions. I won't tell you how this came about because nobody really knows; it was just convenient for the Mary Sues when they decided how Sirius Black would be proven innocent.

"Regardless," Dumbledore continued, "all you need to know is why they are all here. The answer is simple: because of the Triwizard Tournament last year, Viktor and Cedric didn't have a chance to finish their homework and failed their seventh year. So, they are both going to attend Hogwarts to finish up their education." Then Dumbledore paused and looked at Martin, his eyes twinkling merrily. "Martin, why don't you explain the rest?"

"Certainly, Professor!" Martin said, slightly taken aback, but still smiling courageously. "Since Madam Hooch, Professor Vector, and Professor Flitwick retired just yesterday, we needed new Flying, Arithmancy, and Charms teachers. Oliver Wood has volunteered to teach Flying; Bill Weasley is going to teach Arithmancy; and Remus Lupin is teaching Charms."

"What about Sirius Black?" one of the Sirius Black fans asked anxiously.

Timothy sighed theatrically - I mean, he sighed dramatically, even though "theatrically" would be a much better word to use in this instance and would add some color to the structure of the sentence. But that is only the opinion of the author, who has been outvoted by the Mary Sues and the Marty Stus. But that's beside the point; the point is that Timothy just sighed dramatically. "Mr. Black wast meant to teacheth the fair Defense 'gainst the Darkest Arts, but, unfortunately, he wast unableth to geteth the positioneth."

"Why not?" cried the 37 Sirius Black fans.

"O, fair nymphs, yon position wast 'ready takeneth," he replied dramatically, gesturing to the Head Table. Everyone immediately looked to the table and saw Professor Umbridge, sitting in the chair meant for the Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.

The thirty-seven Mary Sues who were also Sirius Black fans were instantly blinded with unspeakable rage and began charging towards Professor Umbridge, and forty-eight more Mary Sues, overcome with mob mentality, also charged towards Umbridge. Soon, Umbridge was taken out of the Great Hall, leaving only fourteen Mary Sues left. The fourteen remaining ones immediately knew what the Marty Stus had done, and glared at them, furious in their perfection.

Dumbledore ignored their perfect fury and clapped his hands. "Well, then. Since Umbridge has been carried away by an angry mob, I believe it is safe to say that the Defense against the Dark Arts position is open. Mr. Black?"

Sirius grinned. "Call me 'Professor Black', sir. I'd be happy to take the position."

"Well, now that that's settled, let's have our remaining 30 students sorted, shall we?"

With that, Professor McGonagall stood and began reading names.

"Eustace, Marston."

Marston "Angsty" Eustace stepped forward, angst filling the sound of every angsty footstep, and the Sorting Hat was placed on his angst-fraught head. After a few moments, the Hat shouted, "HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Oh, of course I would get into Hufflepuff!" Marston shouted, his angsty yet musical tenor voice brimming with angst. "Oh, sure, just make fun of the kid whose life is filled with so much angst! GOD! No one understands me!" And everyone felt pity for poor, angsty Marston. I mean, look at his last name, Eustace. Is it any wonder why he's so angsty?

Even so, McGonagall continued as though nothing had happened. "Krum, Viktor."

He stepped up to the Hat.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Sallyanne, Rosemary."

She stepped up to the Hat.

"SLYTHERIN!"

Rosemary pouted beautifully for a second, but then her beautiful aquamarine eyes caught sight of all the hot guys sitting at the Slytherin table, and she became beautifully content immediately.

"Sam, Marty."

Guess what? He stepped up to the Hat, too.

"RAVENCLAW!"

Satisfied, Marty stealthily walked to the Ravenclaw table, sitting next to Cho Chang and stealthily earning himself glares from Cedric Diggory and Harry Potter, who were instantly jealous of him and how Cho gazed at him with complete admiration.

"Stafford, Marthin."

Marthin "Cheerful" Stafford walked cheerfully to the stool, sitting down cheerfully with a cheerful smile on his cheerful face as the Hat was cheerfully placed on his cheerful head.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Gryffindor? How cheerfully excellent!" Marthin exclaimed cheerfully, skipping cheerfully over to the Gryffindor table, the inhabitants of which accepted him cheerfully.

"Stanis, Martion."

Martion "Sexy" (Hey, you all knew it was coming) Stanis walked up to the Sorting Hat with his sexy gait, and every single female (except for the Mary Sues, who were miraculously immune to his Marty Stu powers) began eyeing him, and there was more than one female who thought to herself, "My, what a sexy glutinus maximus that strapping young lad has." To be exact, there were four females who thought this, and they were all teachers. Every other female, including the Mary Sues, thought, "Damn, he's got a fine ass."

Anyway, he sat on the stool and the Hat was placed on his sexily wavy hair. After a second, the Hat shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!" and all the Gryffindor females cheered, while the rest of the females looked at them with envy. Even the Gryffindor males clapped with grudging respect at this announcement. So, Martion walked with his sexy gait over to the Gryffindor table as McGonagall announced the next name.

"Stannard, Martison."

Martison grouchily trudged over to the Hat and reluctantly put it on his head.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Martison sneered grouchily at the Hat and ripped it off his head, grouchily walking like a grouchy adolescent to the Gryffindor table, muttering under his breath and sitting next to Parvati Patil, who appeared arroused by his grouchiness.

And so it went. Martmyer was sarcastically sorted into Ravenclaw with the creative Timarty and the insane Ellamarie Sukey; Markham "Powerful" Sterling, MacMarty "Crazy" Steward, Annemarie "Jerk" Susanne, Marylou "Cynicle" Susie, and Matthew "Handsome" Sutcliffe were sorted into Slytherin; Martin "Courageous" Steve, Martay "Hilarious" Suart, Marianne "Charismatic" Suellan, Marvin "Brilliant" Sugden, Maria "Intelligent" Sullivan, Marigold "Agile" Suzanna, Maribell "Cute" Suzette, Timothy "Dramatic" Svene, Marie "Tragic" Zsu Zsu, Philamarie "Seductive" Zsuella, Oliver Wood, Sumaria "Witty" and Sumarie "Funny" Zsusanne (twins) were all sorted into Gryffindor; while Mariella "Artistic" Sulwyn and Marilyn "Strong" Zoey were both sorted into Hufflepuff.

(The author is glad that she does not have to say all that aloud, because if she did, she would be out of breath for a good ten minutes.)

Anyway, once they were all sorted, Dumbledore made all his usual announcements, they ate, and they went to bed, all of them wondering what would happen the next day with twenty-eight perfect people at Hogwarts.

NybCR: Well, there's the next chapter: exactly 28 Mary Sues and Marty Stus, each and every one already eyeing their crush. Chapter two should be an interesting one... (grins evilly)

Questions, comments, criticism - let me know!