Chapter 23: Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word

What have I got to do to make you love me

What have I got to do to make you care

What do I do when lightning strikes me

And I wake to find that you're not there

Lindsay's voice was so quiet it blended in with the sounds of machines monitoring Danny's vital signs. She sat close to him, her head only a few inches away, and her hand was still tightly clasped in his. He couldn't believe she was here, was talking to him. He tried to concentrate on her words.

"Once upon a time… there was a little girl who wanted to be a police officer. I grew up in a household full of men. My mother died of breast cancer when I was 11. My three older brothers were already on the force. My dad and they attended her funeral in full dress uniform. There was a gun salute – I don't remember how many shots. My brothers all stood at attention, and when I cried as the coffin went into the ground, my youngest brother hit me and told me to shut up.

"I get it now," she shrugged when Danny opened his eyes in sympathy. "He was holding on to his own tears; I was going to put him over. But I knew then that I had cried my last tear in that house, at least the last anyone could know about."

"My dad was a cop through and through, and he treated us all like recruits. As it turned out, he wasn't far wrong – every one of my brothers made it through high school and into the academy. Academics happened on a need-to-know basis; my brother Mike, the second oldest, was a genius in Chem, so forensics was a natural for him; the next one, Jason, was a tough-as-steel football player, so he did his college scholarship time. No one was forced into the police. We just never thought of any other direction.

"Dad had a problem with me, though. When my mum was diagnosed, the migraines started. They would wipe me out for a couple of days. Then when my mum died, I decided being a girl sucked. I went home from the funeral, cut off all my hair and told everyone to call me Indy." She shrugged again when Danny grinned. "What can I say? I still have a thing for Harrison Ford.

"Dad didn't know what to do. I guess he'd promised my mum I'd have a normal upbringing, but Dad could hardly handle himself, much less kids. It all fell on me. I helped Joey with his homework – he was the youngest one, closest to me in age. I bugged Mike about chemistry and math – I already knew I was good at that. I played football with Jason – beat him too, especially on kicking."

Without taking his eyes off her, Danny handed her his water glass. Her voice was going hoarse.

"Thanks. What you just did – paying attention to me? – that never happened in my house. I wasn't treated badly, never cruelly. My dad wouldn't have laid a hand on me, and any bruises I got from my brothers I repaid with interest. It's just – they never saw me, you know? The migraines got worse, and Dad finally gave in and sent me to a shrink – a lot of them, actually.

"Every time I would get used to one, Dad would get frustrated because I wasn't getting better, and would drag me off to someone else. I finally told one doctor what was going on at home; she called Social Services, and had me apprehended and examined for sexual assault. I guess I had told her my dad treated me like the mother, and she took a leap. It took months for my father to look at me again. He stopped searching for a doctor to fix me, though.

"I was smart, and I excelled at school. By the time I went to university, all the boys were on the force. Together with my dad, they made quite a team. There was no way I was going to miss out on that. Maybe, if I became a cop too, I'd finally be good enough for him."

Danny's heart ached for the little girl who had tried so hard to be accepted by her own family. He knew a little something about that. "Don't stop now, Linds. That explains why you were there; not why you came here."

She smiled a little shakily. "See, you're doing it again – paying attention."

She sighed. The easy part was over. She could leave it there, she knew. Danny wouldn't push her any further than she was ready to go. She could make her move to New York seem like a chance to get out from under her family name. She didn't think he'd buy it, but she knew he'd let her pretend, if that's what she wanted. She took a deep breath.

"I joined the force out of university and met Anna Monroe."

Danny's eyebrows raised, but he kept his mouth shut.

"She was in charge of the CS unit. I guess you could call her a mentor, but that is a pretty pale description. She became all the female role models I had never had. So when she asked me to investigate allegations of corruption in the force, I was determined not to let her down."

Danny nodded again; Lindsay was well-known for her determination. He kept his hand wrapped tight around hers. He didn't want her to feel him pull away for a minute.

"It took me six months. I can't go into it all – the files are sealed and I don't want to think about it. But at the end of the day, my evidence brought down 15 police officers on the force, including a captain, my father's best friend …" her voice died away. Then she cleared her throat and looked Danny in the eye. "And my oldest brother."

The worst was almost over. "I had to testify. As well as the drug connections, Tim had been involved in a prostitution ring. My sister-in-law showed up one day at the precinct and laid charges: when she had asked him what was going on, why he was so tense, he beat her …"

Danny sat up, grimacing at the pain in his battered ribs, but unable to help himself. He pulled Lindsay in to his arms and held her while she cried.

"My father no longer talks to me; neither will any of my brothers. I contacted this lab, changed my name. I didn't leave Montana, Danny. It shut me out."

But for the first time in a long time, with Danny's arms wrapped around her, his voice soothing her, Lindsay felt at home.