19

Annoying Ass Hokage Duties

"I-I shall inform Shinji's family of his passing," one of the jonin said, probably wanting to get out of the room as soon as possible.

"No!" I said, stopping him in his tracks.

"What?" the jonin and Hiruzen both said as they looked at me.

I turned around to face everyone in the room. "Don't get me wrong, we will award him and his family as well," I told them. I mean, c'mon, I wasn't that much of an ass. "Just not right at the moment." I couldn't let the news of Orochimaru's death spread yet. I had other plans.

"What are you planning, Sasuke?" Hiruzen asked me warily.

I looked at the Sarutobi with a serious gaze. "If Orochimaru came to Konoha, there's a high chance that he didn't just come for me, and there's an even higher chance that he didn't come alone. We need to figure out what the rest of his plans are," I said, looking around to make sure everyone was following my line of thought. I obviously already knew the plan of the Suna invasion, but I had to somehow make everyone else realize it as well. "That's why we're going to make it look like he escaped while he was heavily injured. This way, his allies won't go ahead with whatever plans they made and instead, will be busy trying to contact him," I explained and got agreeing nods from everyone in the room.

"But now how will we figure out his plans?" another jonin from the T&I department asked.

"I don't know that yet," I admitted and watched in disappointment as everyone deflated. "But even if we don't figure out his plans, at least we know that, without Orochimaru in the mix, we will be much better prepared for anything that may come." Encouraging speeches really weren't my style, but I was doing my best. "Orochimaru himself was a one-man-army. With him gone, whoever our enemies are, are much weaker now. Whatever happens, we definitely have a much greater chance of success," I said. Internally, I sighed a breath of relief as I saw everyone a little more motivated again.

"So how do we make it look like he escaped?" an ANBU asked.

"I dunno," I shrugged. "That's your job. Sarutobi-sama here is probably the closest in terms of strength to Orochimaru, so make sure to use him in your plans as well. And make it look realistic," I ordered. "Moving on," I continued, "someone make sure to clean all this up," I gestured to the room behind me. "Take Shinji's corpse and keep it fresh and take Orochimaru's corpse to the science department or whatever for them to examine it. Who knows how many secrets are in there..."

It may be unethical, but I didn't give a shit.

"Understood, sir," the ANBU and the warden jonin said at once.

"Good," I replied with a smile. "Now, I'll be going home to sleep," I said before feeling a vice-like grip on my shoulders. "Hm?" I asked, following the arm up to Hiruzen's face that was smiling a little bit too sweetly.

"Oh, Hokage-sama," he said in the same tone of voice I used when mocking him. "Don't forget about the paperwork that the Hokage has to do."

OH SHIIIIIT!

...

Never before have I cursed myself for not thinking before jumping into situations more than I was cursing myself now. And no, I wasn't saying that because of the massive piles of (relatively not-so-secret) paperwork on the Hokage's desk. No, it was because of the wide innocent-looking cerulean blue eyes staring at me with a hint of betrayal in them.

"S-Sasuke!?" Naruto said with disbelief. "You..." he trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"Naruto," I spoke with a serious tone. "I swear to god, this isn't what it looks like!" I tried to convince him.

But again, in my defence, the Hokage had practically challenged me to do this. What was I supposed to do? Just say no? Screw that! Sasuke Uchiha never backs down from a challenge... Which will probably be the death of me one day.

"How... How did you become Hokage?" he asked in a soft tone of voice that he rarely showed anyone, and if I was being honest, it stabbed me right in the feels.

"It's just for a week, and it was only because this guy," I jabbed my thumb at the Third Hokage sitting beside me, "challenged me to it!" I said, explaining the circumstances as quickly as possible."

"Challenge!?" Naruto repeated, looking at Hiruzen with a baffled expression.

"Naruto-kun," Hiruzen said. "Why don't you take a seat here," he gestured to the chairs across from the Hokage's table. I was currently sitting on the main Hokage chair behind the table while Hiruzen was sitting on another identical chair a couple of feet away from me.

Naruto nodded slowly as if in a trance before taking a seat. "How did this happen?" he asked.

"Before I tell you that," I began before Hiruzen could say anything. "I need you to promise that what I'm about to tell you stays a closely guarded secret," I demanded and Naruto perked up at that. In sharp contrast from his usual exuberant personality, the Naruto in front of me at this moment was a very serious one.

"Okay, I promise," he said with a nod.

"Sasuke!" Hiruzen said with a cautioning gaze.

"What?" I asked as I turned my attention to him. "Do you think he can't keep a secret?"

"That's not—"

"Because he kept the Kyuubi a secret from us – his own teammates – until he was sure he could trust us," I said, interrupting Hiruzen. "I think we can trust him."

Hiruzen only stared at me with a contemplative gaze as I stared back, daring him to argue. Finally, he nodded a little bit and I started speaking to the confused blond sitting across from me.

"So, Naruto," I said, placing my elbows on the table and interlacing my fingers in front of my mouth as I looked at him. "You know how we fought Orochimaru in the Forest of Death?" I asked to which he nodded. "Did you know we captured him alive?" I asked again to which I got another nod. "Okay, so when the T&I department was interrogating him, he said something which led to the Sarutobi-sama calling me there. I got to the place, and we... Kind of fought over why the international terrorist wasn't killed already," I explained and Naruto balked.

"You..." he said slowly. "Fought with the Hokage?" he asked

"No," I replied immediately. "I fought with the Third Hokage," I said with a smirk. "Y'know, since I'm the Hokage right now."

"Don't get used to it," came a grumble from the previous Hokage who was sitting beside me.

"Anyway," I chuckled and continued, trying to wipe the smirk off my face but failing. "We kind of fought and I told him he didn't have it in him to make the decisions a real Hokage had to. So he asked me whether I did, and I said yes, so he challenged me to run this village better than he does for a week, and that's how we're here!" I finished my explanation cheerfully.

A moment of heavy silence stretched between us before anyone spoke.

"Wow!" Naruto said with wide eyes. "That is awesome!"

"With the amount of paperwork that I have to do, trust me, it isn't," I answered with a grumble.

"Oh... But you get to do cool Hokage stuff, right?" Naruto asked with excitement evident in his eyes.

"What fuckin' 'cool Hokage stuff' are you talking about!? Filling out paperwork?" I asked.

"Eh!?" Naruto said, looking surprised and slightly downtrodden at my words. "No, I mean... Like... Y'know, cool Hokage stuff!" he said, repeating himself and not clearing anything up.

I sighed and looked at my loveable blond teammate with tired eyes. "Unless you think management is cool, Naruto, there is literally nothing cool about being Hokage," I said, mentally adding, except for the top-secret missions and knowledge and shit. That stuff is definitely super cool.

Naruto looked like someone had just shot him through the heart. "Wait, what... But..." he trailed off.

"Yeah," I replied, seeing a war of reasoning being waged in himself. "There is nothing cool about this job."

Naruto thought about my words for a second before he perked up once more. "Oh! But you're respected by everyone, right?" he asked.

"Nope!" I said instantly.

"Huh!?"

"You don't get respect because you become Hokage, Naruto," I said, trying to sound as serious as possible. "You become Hokage because you're respected. Think about it: why would someone who isn't respected by people in the first place become the Hokage?" I asked him.

"But... I thought..." Naruto said with a thoughtful look as realization dawned on his face, and after a short moment of silence, I smiled as he nodded his head, finally understanding my point.

"Anyway," I said, breaking the blond out of his stupor and ending this conversation. "What were you here for in the first place?" I asked him.

"Oh! Ero-sennin said to come and get some missions to do by myself!" Naruto answered enthusiastically.

"I've told you not to call me that, you brat!" Another voice boomed as the man that I was expecting to see anytime now entered the Hokage's office— my office.

I narrowed my eyes at the toad sage now standing beside my desk. In all of Naruto, Jiraiya was my second most hated character. Sasuke was first because of how he abandoned his village and nearly killed Naruto, but at least now I was in Sasuke's body and actively making changes to the plot.

However, this old white-haired piece of shit standing beside me right now... I hated how he wasn't there for Naruto despite being Naruto's father's teacher. But I held off on any remarks that I might have wanted to make. I'm going to get all the information first. Did Jiraiya know his godson was an orphan, suffering in the village? Did he willingly leave? Or did the dickhead of a Third Hokage deceive him?

Although, before that, I want to know how it feels to abuse your authority.

"You," I called out and the Toad Sannin looked at me with mirthful eyes.

"Hokage at this age? Not bad, kid," he said with an amused smirk.

Keeping a stone-cold expression on my face, I jabbed my thumb, gesturing to the windows behind me. "Get out. Walk in through the door. Climb the stairs. And when you're in front of my office, knock. You'll come in when I allow you to come in," I ordered, and MAN it felt great ordering around a shinobi who could probably kill me in less than a microsecond.

I couldn't help the smile that crept up on my face as I observed his gobsmacked reaction.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked, unsure of how to proceed.

"I do, and I don't give a flying fuck," I said, dropping the smile from my face, yet laughing my heart out internally. "The one in this chair is me. The one wearing the Hokage's hat is me. You are a shinobi of the leaf. You follow my orders. Go," I ordered again.

"Wha— Sensei, is he serious!?" Jiraiya said to the Third Hokage.

"Sasuke-kun, that is Jiraiya of the Sannin. The Toad Sage of Mount Myoboku," Hiruzen said from beside me.

"I know that," I answered simply. "And, as I said, I don't care."

The Toad Sage's mouth opened and closed several times in surprise before he straightened up and crossed his arms. He looked at me with narrowed eyes and said, "Fine," and went back out the window.

As he jumped off, a heavy silence descended in the room. "Huh... I thought he'd challenge my orders more," I said in a light-hearted voice.

"Why do you love to antagonize everyone, Sasuke-kun?" the Third Hokage asked with a sigh.

I shrugged my shoulders with an uncaring attitude as I turned to Naruto. "As for you Naruto, here's what I want you to do," I said, taking a blank scroll.

"Wait," Hiruzen said and I looked at him exasperatedly.

"What is it now?" I asked.

"I need to know what mission you're giving him."

Yeah, okay, that made sense. "I'm telling him to make friends with the Suna jinchuuriki," I declared. Hiruzen raising his eyebrows was the only reply I got, so I continued.

I opened up the blank scroll and picked up a quill dipped in ink. "So, Naruto," I said, writing on the scroll at the same time. "What I want you to do is find Sabaku no Gaara – y'know, the crazy redhead guy we saw in the examination room – and just talk to him and make friends."

"Wait, just... Make friends? How?" Naruto asked.

"Dunno, just be yourself. Be cheerful, be nice, do whatever you want. Your mission is to just talk to him and his siblings if possible, and become friends with them. And as I said, be yourself. Don't beat around the bush if you want to say something to them and don't worry about offending them. Just act like you normally would when trying to make friends," I briefed him.

Just as I finished my sentence, a knock came from the door. I grunted and Jiraiya sauntered in, not looking happy at all. I nodded my thanks and turned my attention back to the blond.

"But what did you mean by jinchuuriki of Suna?" Naruto asked.

"When I looked at Gaara with my Sharingan, I saw that his chakra sort of looked like you," I lied skillfully. I was way too good at this. No shot anyone would be able to tell I was lying. "While you look like you have foreign chakra in your stomach, he looked like he had foreign chakra in his... Shoulders? Or chest, I think?" I said with uncertainty. I forgot where exactly Gaara's seal was.

"Oh..." Naruto said, looking downtrodden and I knew exactly what he was thinking.

"You're upset that someone else has to suffer in the same way you did." It was more of a statement than a question. Naruto instantly looked at me with wide eyes. "Don't be so surprised," I said with a chuckle. "After knowing you for this long, I know exactly how you think. And that's why you're the perfect person for this job, Naruto," I said, reassuring him. "You're the only one who can probably understand his pain and empathize with him. I need you for this, Naruto," I said to him, making him feel needed.

Naruto's eyes looked like they were watering for a bit before he quickly rubbed them and flashed the cheekiest grin I'd ever seen. "You got it, Sasuke! I won't let you down!" he exclaimed, giving me a big thumbs up.

A small smile floated onto my face as I nodded. "Since this is technically a mission that deals with international relations, I'll give it a B-rank, and you'll get paid accordingly," I said to him and turned to Hiruzen. "Right, Sandiame-sama?" I asked.

"Hmm," he nodded with a grunt. "That sounds reasonable."

"Alright then, Naruto," I said as I rolled up the mission scroll and threw it to him. "That's your mission until the Chunin Exams end."

"Gotcha! Thanks, Sasuke!" he said cheerfully as he ran out of my office and hit the streets.

...

Now, this left Jiraiya in my office, looking at me with an expression that I couldn't quite decipher.

"Now, how can I help you, Jiraiya?" I asked with an amicable smile.

"You got anything against me, kid?" he asked.

"That depends. Are you one to disregard authority?" I questioned back.

From beside me, Hiruzen said, "Sasuke-kun, I believe this is the pot calling the kettle black."

AHA! I knew he'd say that!

"Sarutobi-sama, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I've ever gone against any of your or Kakashi's explicit orders," I said. "The ANBU don't count. All other than Lynx are dickheads... At least, all the ones I've met," I quickly added.

"Hmm," Hiruzen hummed with his eyes closed.

"Anyway, I needed to ask you something," I said to Jiraiya, getting his and Hiruzen's full attention. "You're Konoha's spymaster, correct?"

"That's right," he said unsurely.

"So what's going on with Otogakure? What's the situation with them?" I asked, wanting to know how much information Konoha already had about them.

Jiraiya looked at me with a raised eyebrow before looking back at his sensei.

Hiruzen nodded. "Sasuke-kun has made it clear multiple times that he will never act against Konoha or its interests, correct?" he asked me.

"If I ever knowingly do so, feel free to cut me down on the spot," I replied, hoping to cement their trust in me.

"I believe you can trust him, Jiraiya," the Sandaime said.

Jiraiya sighed as took a seat as he started telling me about the information he had gathered.

Thank you all so much for the reviews! This might be the last update for a while since finals are almost here, but I'll keep trying to write more.