Tsuzuki shook the rattle in front of his sons face. The child didn't react much, he was really rather too young to smile or laugh, but he reacted best a child only a week or two old could react. He seemed rather tired, stretching his arms and yawning showing his adorable little toothless mouth. A slight white gathered at his lips from the milk he'd eaten and the residue it had left in his mouth.
Seeing his son lay out like this, it was just something that he could barely stand. Ever night he came home and took Keitaro while Hisoka fixed dinner he had to fight back his tears that would threaten to fall. The sight of him made his heart melt and suddenly gave him all the reason for life over and over again, filling his being, his every fiber with purpose. Seeing his small little face, his tiny little hands, his puny feet. There were just so many time that came back to him.
That time in Kyoto. He didn't know back then just what he could have if he stayed, he didn't know. Hisoka brought him back from the edge, gave him purpose and life again. Now there was a place for him in Hisoka's heart, a warm place he could always go to. And now, now Hisoka had given a son. IT was rather odd that it had been when he first met Hisoka that he had thought about the regret of never having children of his own. Seeing Hisoka's beautiful face, his innocent, angelic face. It made him jealous. To see such extreme youth and innocence, but then again, it made him guilty, what could have happened to make such a young boy take on a job like a guardian of death. He was shocked of course to see just how closely he was to the boy in their "lives". They'd both been exiled, called demons, monsters, beaten and abused for what they were. The difference between them was that where Tsuzuki had chosen death in the place of a life of torment, Hisoka had spent 16 years fighting for normalcy relentlessly, he'd spent three years fighting for his life under constant fever, wasting away in a hospital bed against his wishes. It was that strength, that will to live that Hisoka had to offer him, the reason why they were fated to meet. Hisoka had given him so much already, and now he risked his own life again, his body, his dignity, everything he had just to protect him, to give him a son. And even now, he was sacrificing his life raising a child, often spending entire days alone, sometimes nights. He owed his little lover a lot.
Hisoka was caught up in preparing for dinner. He was still so tired. He'd rested a bit while Watari had taken Keitaro but he guessed the stress of the day had pushed his even well rested mind to the brink of insanity. Had Tsuzuki not come in when he had there would be no telling what could have happened. Watari had come on so strong, he really wasn't himself, he could feel it deep down in his core. There was a darkness that usually wasn't there in the Scientists soul that had snapped and broken loose into the rest of his body poisoning his mind with evil and wicked thoughts. The scariest part about it however is that Hisoka wasn't as scared of it as he should have been. Part of it seemed familiar and right to him and almost wished something more had happened. He'd berated himself over and over since Tsuzuki had come home about it. He could possibly have been actually feeling that, It was just wrong. He loved Tsuzuki. It had to just be Watari's emotions coming in through his empathy.
"Hisoka Hisoka?" Tsuzuki called from the living room. He'd suspected something from Hisoka, he was , even for him, unusually quiet, and he seemed to be growing more fatigued each day. His hair was kind of messy and so were his clothes. Hisoka never was the type to be lazy and messy, he berated Tsuzuki for it all the time. Perhaps he was getting that depression thing that moms sometimes get after having babies that he heard of. Maybe it wasn't so much depression, maybe he just needed a break from the baby anyway. He put the infant in a basinet wheeled into the living room, covering his little naked body all save for his little diaper with a soft blanket and headed for the kitchen. He snuck up on the distracted blonde wrapping his arms quickly and skillfully around Hisoka's thin and almost feminine waist. "Hiiiisoookaaa.." He said in a sensual yet non-sexual voice, intending on leading his partner into a gentle, relaxed and calming romantic atmosphere.
"No, Tsuzuki." Hisoka sealed himself the way he had done when they were just becoming partners. He had kept himself closed from every physical sign of a relationship in public, not even cuddling or a quick peck on the cheek was allowed. Of course Hisoka always knew that if they had it would lead further later but that wasn't what Tsuzuki was looking for! REALLY!
"Hisoka!" He whined. "I wasn't talking about that! You have the nerve to say I'm the perverted one!" He whined further like a child when Hisoka pushed him from off his back where he'd pressed himself and moved to the next counter to try his best to finish dinner with the whining dog at his heels. "I really wasn't Hisoka you gotta believe me! I just wanted to talk to you, I was thinking, that maybe I could take a few days off next week, I'll ask old man Konoe and I'll stay home to take care of Keitaro for you. You'll have the entire day to yourself."
"You do that and Tatsumi will kill you. We can't afford you taking any days off and they can't keep paying. Besides. I'm fine." He was rather not affected by this. Tsuzuki was always worried nowadays. Everything was just on edge is what he blamed it off to. The new addition, the constant crying, and just a little bit of fatigue.
"Well than how bout we just have Watari check you out, if he says you fine I'll"
"NO!" The bowl Hisoka was holding in his hand was dropped to the counter, startling Tsuzuki from his normal happy smile. He wasn't really that worried about Hisoka it was more of just a tiny suggestion. He wanted to make sure that after Keitaro was born that he'd be okay. He was shaken a bit, his back tense and his hand shaking. He kept himself steadied on the counter his eyes wide and trembling as he drew in shallow gasps of breath. Not him, not him again.
"Hisoka."
His body suddenly became less tense, his body softened as his shaking subsided and he coolly began to pick up the broken pieces of the bowl he'd dropped form the counter. "Sorry about that, must have just lost my grip."
"Hisoka, what's going on?" Tsuzuki's face took on a very serious expression as he changed from the happy mood of playing and trying to help Hisoka to knowing there was something wrong. He wanted to know what it was. Something's been up a ever since Keitaro was born and he wanted to know what it was. "What's happened? You don't want to see Watari anymore and you're obviously not well. You're getting all pale and sick again! Look I can see the color draining from your face even now. What's going on Hisoka? Don't you remember that last time you tried keeping secrets from me we almost lost Keitaro!" His voice was more accusing than he had meant for it to sound.
Hisoka's body had begun to tremble, a mix and jumble of emotions. There was anger seething and boiling inside him a pot, frothing at the edges and the heat that just kept rising, the flames licking over his side and flickering angrily at him as the water from inside over-ran and hit the flames. Finally his hand wavered and the shards he'd been picking up finally sliced deep into his skin. He let out a cry, mixed with pain, physical and emotional, a cry from all his bottle frustration and rage. Tears welled in his eyes and caught on his eyelashes as he gripped his right hand in his left, pulling it to his chest in pain as a stabbing hit his chest. "I'm so sorry! I'm a screw up! Isn't that what you want to say! Just say it already, you can't stand me, you hate me! I lie, I'm a constant nuisance to you, always needing to be saved and always throwing a wrench into the works somehow right! I'm sorry! I didn't mean for any of that to happen, Muraki, Keitaro! I never meant for any of it to happen!"
Tsuzuki realized his mistake just a few moments to late. He tried reaching around the side of Hisoka to see his hand. He had seen quite a spurt of blood when he saw the flash of the glass as the light glared angrily off it when it had cut into Hisoka's soft skin. "Hisoka let me see that..!" He was cut short, shoved with extreme force, the type Hisoka had rarely demonstrated when dealing with Tsuzuki, even when they were really fighting. He could have sworn he saw tears flying in the florescent lighting of the kitchen as Hisoka made quick work to run from the room. He couldn't believe Hisoka had actually had the strength to shove him over on his bottom on the cold kitchen floor. It was long moments before he was on his feet and running after the boy who had already made his way into the living room. There was already a few blankets draped over Hisoka's coat clad shoulder and another wrapped around Keitaro as Hisoka was lifting him from his basinet. "Hisoka wait! What happened? What'd I do"
Hisoka gave the man an evil look, one of his evilest. His eyes were narrowed and lacking in any emotion other than anger. The tears that Tsuzuki had seen earlier left no trace on the boys face as it twisted in anger. He brought the baby boy up to his shoulder with enough force to make sure not to hurt the infant but to warn Tsuzuki to just how serious he was about all this. "I'm leaving. You can pretend now that I was never here, that there were none of the lies and none of the trouble. Muraki should be here soon with the roses. Make sure you're pretty for him." The infant let out a long drawn out wail as Hisoka turned quickly, hair waving as he turned his back to Tsuzuki, turning and slamming the door behind him The room suddenly became deathly silent, distantly Tsuzuki could hear the wail of his son as the two, parent and child, retreated away from the house. He'd missed the blood that graced the sheets of the basinet.
The loud knocking, the constant slamming on the door. Why was it that he was always the one to suffer. It must have been one of the Gushoshins or some other person looking for money for something Tsuzuki broke or even Tsuzuki himself looking for a loan or advance on his pay to go buy sweets or alcohol again. He really had to talk to him about that. Being a father now it was completely and morally wrong to be drinking around the baby or at all for that matter. It was up to Tsuzuki to make an example for the infant to follow some day. Tatsumi tried to roll back over in his bed, pulling the blankets over his head in an attempt to drown out that constant banging. Go away, just go away. It's late I just want to sleep damn it!' The banging, the bell, they both just kept going regardless of what he did to try and get rid of whoever it was in his mind.
"Tatsumi san, please open the door! Please!" That voice. A wailing cry came shortly after, the sound of a newborn infant. It was Hisoka and Keitaro. But why on Earth would they be here now? And why his house? He was quick though to get a robe on now walking with quick and sure steps to the door. All remnants of sleep had suddenly lost effect on Tatsumi's poor sleepy body. Something was wrong. Hisoka wouldn't just pay a visit at this time of night and unannounced. There was a certain urgency in his voice calling him, a sadness in his voice.
"Kurosaki kun, what on Earth are you doing here at this time?" He reached the door, calling out before he'd managed to take the locks from the door. The boy was standing there at the door, the baby cradled against his chest and shoulder bundled in blankets. The boy seemed out of breath, panting from something, his eyes red and puffy, his face hot with a blush of rage. Amazingly enough there was a lack of Tsuzuki. Yes, of course. There roles had truly been reversed lately, Tsuzuki upsetting the young man, sending him running away instead of the usual where it was Hisoka who would say something that Tsuzuki would consider "mean"
"Tatsumi san, I have nowhere else to go." The boy gave a half hearted attempt to calm the infant in his arms. He was so tired, so worn. He hadn't even come right to Tatsumi, he'd been wandering, with Keitaro with him! What had Tsuzuki done this time to make even Kurosaki act so immature and reckless? "Tatsumi san Please."
Tatsumi quickly ushered the boy into his living room, insisting the boy take a seat and relax. The boy was wavering as he walked through the door and into the room. He was so weak, so visibly weak, he was ready to fall over if he didn't sit. Still it took much insisting and threats to get the boy to sit and relax after Tatsumi had offered him some tea or coffee. The boy had of course taken his usual tea, it wasn't as strong as the coffee as he had remembered Hisoka telling him once. He hadn't expected that after he had come to still see Hisoka there with his coat still on and the baby still wrapped securely in his blankets and cradled tightly against Hisoka's body still.
"Kurosaki, what happened?" Tatsumi placed the tea cup on the table in front of the boy. He waited a few moments patiently for an answer but it was when he saw how the boy hesitated to pick up even the cup that he really began to become more hurried, more worried for the boy. He began to inspect him, and it was then that he realized the boys right hand cradling Keitaro's head. There was a stain of red soaking into the white blanket wrapped around the infant, an odd stain that shouldn't be there, on his dominant hand. That was it, his hand was injured, that's why he hadn't picked p the cup, but why? "Let me see you're hand Kurosaki."
The boys heart beat picked up ten fold. He could hear it in his ears as his eyes widened and he looked up to Tatsumi. He hadn't expected the secretary of the ministry to be so bossy thought he maybe should have. Of course the man would be curious, it was his nature. He was the type that needed a reason before doing anything. He didn't want to, but this was the last place he could go, he couldn't go to Watari, the girls would be too weary of him, Terazuma would shut the door in his face, knowing that he WAS with Tsuzuki and all and he obviously couldn't go back home. But he wanted his business to be his own.
"Kurosaki!" Seeing that the infants head was safely cradled on Hisoka's shoulder Tatsumi began to pull at his right hand. Hisoka fought him at first pulling his hand back into himself. The master of shadows however would have none of it. He tugged a bit roughly at the boys wrist finally puling it from the boys will and strength, both equally exhausted by his night. It was then, when he flipped the boys hand around so his palm was up in the air that with a cry of distress from Hisoka and a gasp slipping free from his own lips that he saw it, the deep gash that adorned his hand. After moments of watching, the scariest part of it all was watching that it wasn't healing, not so much in the slightest. Has he gotten it from a fight with Tsuzuki, or even some how when he was out wandering, it should have at least began to heal if not be completely healed without so much of a scar to show where it had been. It wasn't healing, it was still bloody, and perhaps looking even a bit infect. Unnatural for a shinigami.
"What did you do Kurosaki? Did Tsuzuki do this to you tonight Hisoka.?" Tatsumi could barely find his voice as he tried to force the question from his numb lips. For a shinigami to loose there ability to heal. It was never heard of. Only when calming the flame of the serpent was it ever thought to a threat. "Hisoka please.. why isn't it healing, what's wrong with you Hisoka?" His calm, cool voice was now shaky, unable to talk. The blood was just oozing off the side of the boys hands, the stain on Keitaro's blanket seeping in to his skin was tribute to how much and how long the boy was bleeding. He had to know why and how. "Please, let me help you Kurosaki."
"It wasn't Tsuzuki. I just got cut on some glass, that's all." Hisoka wince and gave a whimper as Tatsumi moved his hand again, stretching the damaged skin unintentionally and making a burning flame run across his spine in angry sparks.
"It isn't healing properly Kurosaki, this is not just a cut. Tell me what really happened Kurosaki"
"I did!" Hisoka suddenly found new strength, ripping his hand back from Tatsumi. "Don't call me a liar!" Hisoka glared at the man for a moment who in turn glared back at him, cursing his stubbornness silently with his eyes. Hisoka began to shake again. Putting Keitaro down on the couch, gently laying his squirming son down on the cushion, surrounded by the small decorative pillows for protection to protect the child from falling to the floor. It was the that he shed his coat for the first time since leaving the house. From there he proceeded to lift his shirt, there, a pale ling on his stomach was a line from one side to the other thick and long. There was still a scar, still a marl from all that time of healing after Keitaro had been born. Tatsumi stared with large eyes, first a flash of confusion over came him as he thought about it. When the realization of what exactly Hisoka was trying to get across by showing him this dawned on his his eyes filled with a worried and compassionate understanding.
Timidly he reached out a hand, tracing the scar across the boys belly slowly. "Hisoka" He whispered gently. That's what's been wrong. Hisoka had to be sick alright. He wasn't healing, there should be no scars left on any shinigami, as long as they survive whatever trials they may go through there are never any scars left on them other than those made during their mortal life. These wounds should have healed within minutes, but it's either taking much to long, or it's just not healing at all, it was as if Hisoka was a mortal again. "Why didn't you..."
"I've caused enough trouble as it was." Hisoka turned his back to the secretary, pulling down his shirt as he did. He wrapped his arms about himself, suddenly feeling exposed and vulnerable. "I forced a child on him, I got kidnapped and made him responsible for searching for me for months on end. Worse of all, it all only because I lied, because I refused to come clean with him, cause I couldn't trust him enough to trust him with my secrets, to trust him with my feelings and my heart. I almost killed an innocent life.. It was all my fault" He looked back over to his son lying there on the couch wrapped in the bloody blankets. "I almost got him killed."
"Hisoka, who told you that?" The look in his eyes. It was one a type that he'd seen before. It was pure pain. "Tsuzuki." Tatsumi whispered, snarled in anger. "Hisoka, please take some rest"
"I can't."
"You've had a rough day Hisoka. Keitaro needs it too. Let me clean that out and then we'll get you tucked in. You're staying the night here. Take my bed, I'll take the couch tonight."
"No!"
"You need the room for Keitaro, I'm taking the couch Now come on, let me clean that out and we'll get you and Keitaro settled in for bed." Hisoka protested as Tatsumi dragged out a compact first aid kit. Tatsumi wasn't sure if the wound would require stitches. When he brought up the idea of going to see Watari the boy had strictly forbid it. This concept he fought most furiously about and even Tatsumi feared to force anything more on the boy. Instead he disinfected his wound and dressed it with white bandage. From there he'd tried to make the boy sleep but he'd been to awake, too shaken from the night to sleep. Tatsumi could see his exhaustion, his shaking, but still he refused.
"Please, have some tea then, it'll calm you." Tatsumi handed the boy a warm cup of tea. Little did the boy expect the drugs Tatsumi had stirred into the brown liquid. Nearly immediately after drinking the tea, only a few sips did the boy begin to become dizzy, eyelids heavy and insistently closing on him. Soon he was sleeping soundly, a calm, but not quite peaceful look over his face. A scowl came over his face as he watched Hisoka laying there with Keitaro bundled in some of his old shirts and small blankets. It was time he made a visit.
Tsuzuki sat hunched over in his chair, elbows on his knees and head on his hands. He was so tired but he also couldn't sleep. His mind was fuzzy, confused and dazed with the earlier events. He couldn't get it. He just couldn't get what had happened between him and Hisoka later. It made no sense, he couldn't fin out just what it was that he had done to anger Hisoka so much. There was so much anger in his eyes when he glared at him. Tsuzuki had only ever seen that look on occasion of when Muraki had come into the picture. Never had Hisoka given him that look, never gave it to anyone but Muraki. Why, why wasit that Hisoka hated him so much now. Why had he taken Keitaro from him, running out with the infant crying in his arms. He could still hear the infant crying and the loud, slamming of the door, the retreating steps. IT all played over and over in his mind again and again. There was just something so wrong with everything that had happened. Hisoka turning him away each night, his distance from any physical contact. There'd been a distant look in his eyes since they'd arrived back home. Now he'd ran out on him, disappearing without a word with Keitaro. So, now this is what it was like to be really alone.
It was then that a knock from the door drew Tsuzuki from his reverie. Drifting back to reality it took Tsuzuki's hazed mind a moment to realized just what had happened. "Hisoka...?" Just managing to push himself off the chair he made his way over to door. Opening the door was met by a fist knocking him down, throwing his body back to the floor. Tears stung his eyes as he turned to face the dark form of the shadow master draped in his shadows. "Ta..Tasumi..."
"How dare you? How dare you hurt Kurosaki that way!"
4100 words, more than usual but that's because it took extra, extra long to post. so sorry about that, school, work.. I'm so tired out. hope I haven't lost all my fans yet..