"Be like a tree and let the dead leaves drop"
— Rumi
There are moments in your life where you question your worth in the eyes of those around you. Moments when those you hold close inevitably hurt you, be it on purpose or as an unforeseen consequence to an action they thought may help themselves or may benefit someone else. Moments that make you question if your well-being mattered to them. Oftentimes once one leaves childhood behind this feeling is fleeting in the moment. Reserved for psychoanalysis in the wee hours of the morning. When the moon has long since reached its peak and insomnia runs rampant through the worriers of the world.
He was not a worrier. Kol, that is. Even in his human life more than a thousand years ago Kol had never been the sibling to fret over his actions. He was the brash one, always managing to fandangle himself into trouble and then charm his way out with magic or a half smirk.
Vampirism had only made him more bold in his impulsive behavior and less likely to dwell on it after. But that did not mean he never questioned his worth. "Always and Forever" has a way of doing that to even the least affected by other opinions.
But he tried to convince himself that it was a moot point, that after a thousand years of only being allowed out of the coffin when it benefitted his siblings he did not want their "Always and Forever". That instead he wanted his own life far removed from big bad Niklaus, propper Elijah, and perfect Rebekah. He was done with the full on codependency that seemed synonymous with his surname.
He was done with his siblings and their inability to break the horrible cycle that had become their lives. Yet, at the same time he found himself staring at the small communication device that humans now took with them everywhere, waiting to hear from them. Knowing darn well that the shadow walkers who were following them had been sent by one of the trio and as their location was no secret.
So there were days spent staring at the door of the very public places he and Finn wandered while figuring out the century. Waiting for Elijah to call or walk through the door and demand that they assist in whatever hair brained scheme Niklaus was cooking up this time. Or waiting for Rebekah to show up and demand to be taken along, so hungry for a life outside her brothers yet so unwilling to make the necessary steps to leave them. Or waiting for Nik to show up, daggers in hand, to protect his siblings from the world outside the realm of his reign of terror by locking them in coffins and hiding them away.
But not one of them showed, not one of them reached out. It was almost as if the distance he had always craved was just like the coffin he dreaded. A clean break that did wonders to convince the trio that only they were children of Ester.
"You are wasting energy fretting over them. For all his flaws Niklaus would never allow our siblings to come to a harm he did not inflict." Finn said observationally as he sat down with long fingers circling around a mug. It wasn't a reassurance, the knowledge that the one thing capable of harming Elijah and Rebeckah was the sibling they refused to abandon. Nor was it something that Kol had not understood long before Finn spoke it into the world.
However it was a truth that Kol tried to skirt around acknowledging at every turn. Even now staring at the face of it he was unwilling to truly think of the implications of the sentence. So he did what he did best, smirking. He waved off the comment and pocketed the communication device, phone, so that he could focus on Finn and his momentary plan.
"I assure you brother they are the farthest things from my mind." Kol bristled before taking the mug and pulling it to his lips, he took a single sip before his body physically rejected the old blood that had been heated unevenly. Having him cough it up into his mouth before having to begrudgingly swallow it down.
"Disgusting," he said, wiping his face with the handkerchief from his brother's pocket and shoving the cup back into Finn's hands.
"I feel it pertinent to remind you, brother, that you have had more than enough summers to learn basic decency." Finn growled, ripping the handkerchief from Kol's hand with a half hearted huff of Slápr eldhúsfíli . Kol just waved off the reprimand and leaned back in the absurdly uncomfortable chair with a laugh. Watching Finn fight back a smile in the name of outrage.
Unwanted feelings avoided by annoyance once again. A Kol specialty no doubt.
Shared laughter was another part of this adventure that Kol had not expected. He did not remember laughter being a part of his and Finn's interactions when he was young. Then and again he also doesn't remember many of his and Finn's interactions from a time before the curse.
"It is the mark of the unhinged, you know. To continue engaging in the same behaviors expecting for results to differ." Finn said once Kol's laughter had died out and a comfortable silence had befallen the brothers.
"Are you insinuating that I am unhinged brother." Kol said the joy he felt dripping from each syllable. His face practically split in half as he offered Finn a shit eaters grin. Begging his eldest brother to take the bait he so deliciously dangled before him.
"I wouldn't dream of it brother." Finn said face straight laced as he sipped on his recently recovered drink. The pair fell into silence, as was their norm over the past few days. Kol found it odd how easy each pass of silence felt. How comfortable it felt to just exist in the company of his brother.
And ignoring the fact It was an ease he had never truly felt with the trio. Always feeling an underlying thump of tension in any and all their interactions. Always feeling a restlessness that never quite settled even in New Orleans.
"I wish not to keep you brother should you wish to find comfort elsewhere." Finn said after the silence stretched on for a good while. Kol felt both meanings of his brush words. The first the physical, his words being a way for him to tell Kol that he was welcome to feed, not that permission was needed. The second being an opening for Kol to move on and find his own path away from that of Finn's.
"There is nowhere else I would rather be brother" Kol said. Informing Finn that he was full enough to handle their travels without feeding, as well as the fact that he was not looking for an adventure outside of Finn's quest for the hidden. Trying not to dwell on the fact that for all his want for independence the thought of striking out without backup or clear direction in an unfamiliar time was not appealing in the slightest.
"Now boarding," the attendant called from the small podium to the pairs left. They waited until they heard their group before slowly making their way to the plane and to the first class seats Kol had compelled for them. Then they both sat down and settled in for the long flight from Norfolk,Virginia to Starvanger, Norway.
Which, if old maps and Finn's memory were to be believed, was fairly close to where Mikael and Ester gave birth to their first two children and lost Freya. Which, if Finn's memory was to be believed, was the moment Finn first learned of the hidden and was to be their starting point.
As Kol compelled himself a bit of alcohol, for no other reason than he could, he settled in. His thoughts, ever annoying him, once again strayed to his siblings. So he downed it out with the loudest music he could find, because his favorites undoubtedly led him back to unwanted thoughts.
As he swallowed the last bit and ignored the burn of the liquor in his throat and the burn of Finn's eyes on his profile he closed his eyes and sighed…
Bloody bastards.