Let it never be said that the Valar do not have a sense of humor. Nor are they immune to boredom, nor to becoming greatly annoyed by the choices of their children. In fact, they have many of the same ordinary qualities as their creations. After all, made in one's image doesn't mean just physical similarities. And so it stands to reason that, as the pot reflects the eye of the potter, their children inherited many of their own qualities of character.
For example, Aulë (also called Mahal) loved satisfying work and sturdy foundations. He found things that were enduring and strong to be beautiful. He was boisterous and hardworking. And these qualities were reflected in his beloved dwarves.
Yavanna, Valar of the Earth and Giver of Fruits, loved comfort, happiness, and tranquility. It comes as no surprise then that her hobbits loved the same — treasuring good food, good company, and a peaceful life above all else.
Eru, though not a Valar, loved beauty, gentleness, and valor. He loved all that was good, and he loved to love. The race of elves then mirrored him in these ways.
Therefore it should come as no surprise that the created races also possess some traits of the Valar that are more… humble. Like irritation. Being very old and very powerful simply means they can get very annoyed. Especially when their children seem to have abandoned all common sense. After all, every parent at some point or another thinks, "Honestly, how can my child do something just so stupid?"
And so it came to pass that one year, Aulë and Yavanna were watching over a company of thirteen dwarves, one hobbit, and one wizard with particular interest. This ragtag group was on the beginning of a journey that was more important than any of the fifteen knew, whose outcome and side affects would determine the fate of Middle Earth into both this age and the next.
And Aulë and Yavanna were beyond exasperated.
"Why do they refuse go to Rivendell?! Does Thorin expect us to descend from the heavens and bestow upon him the knowledge of moon runes?"
"Thank Eru they've gotten to Rivendell. Wait. Why are these elves subtly antagonizing the dwarves? Surely they realize the fate of the entirety of Middle Earth is more important than their temporary amusement!"
"Literally none of the elves here have ever wronged you, Thorin. Are you incapable of using good judgment?"
"Bilbo, how can you possibly think it's a good idea to take doilies on an adventure. You've read 142 books about people going on adventures, we've counted. For Eru's sake use your brain, I gave you a great one."
"The dwarves appear to be going out of their way every minute to be ungrateful and disrespectful to the elves who are sheltering, feeding, and helping them. Can someone get it through their rock-hard skulls that they're not, in fact, TEN YEARS OLD!"
Even Gandalf did not escape their ire, for he was doing a piss-poor job at communicating and seemed more interested in being a busybody than a guide. He should honestly know better by now.
Fed up with the whole situation, Aulë and Yavanna decided to express their annoyance by annoying their children in return (they also thought it'd be funny.) Maybe even in the process their children would get the knock upside the head they each desperately needed. The two Valar then proceeded to hatch a plan that was so devious it was bordering on evil. It gave them a thrill. After a quick conversation with Eru, who begrudgingly gave them permission, they put their scheme into motion.
And so this ordeal adventure begins on a pleasant and unassuming sunny morning in the elven city of Rivendell. The elves were being quietly passive aggressive, the dwarves were being obnoxiously rude, and Elrond and Thorin were handling their own business and seemingly fine with this.
Little did anyone know that two hobbits visiting Rivendell sixty years in the future had been plucked from their time and unknowingly plopped into this Rivendell.
Two dwarf brothers were currently tiptoeing about one of the northern gardens. They were princes, though you certainly couldn't tell from their behavior. They had a great fondness for mischief and fun, and had taken the presence of elves as full permission to create as much chaos as their whims directed them.
"Hey Fee, what about this one? I think it's dill weed. I would sure hate to find my wine spiked with dill weed."
"I dunno Kee, I was thinking something more… spicy. Maybe this chili. I'm surprised elves even know about chili peppers. Elves are all so bland and boring. Do you think chili would taste like shit in cherry wine?"
"Maybe they add chili powder to their plates of lettuce."
Fili sniggered. "Ah, Kee, I'm sure—"
"How about cinnamon and garlic?"
Both dwarfs let out very manly, majestic shrieks and dropped everything they were holding. They spun as one to find two hobbits behind them.
Wait. Hobbits?
"Who are you?!"
"Well, we could ask you the same question. Who are you?"
"… I'm Kili. This is my brother Fili. At your service." The two brothers bowed in unison.
The taller hobbit took his pipe out of his mouth. "Well met, fine dwarves! I'm Merry, and this idiot is Pippin. Ow, Pip, that hurt! We couldn't help but overhear you debating how to, ah, improve the wine around here. Do dwarves often spike the wine of elves?"
Fili looked them over with amusement, forgetting the wine for the moment. "Merry and Pippin, eh? I didn't know there were any other hobbits around here."
Pippin was a bit offended. Hobbits weren't that hard to notice. "You guys must be blind as Farmer Maggot's cow, then! We've been here almost a week! We've seen your other dwarfy pals, but I've not seen you two." Pippin paused, thought about this, then looked at Merry. "Maybe we're as blind as Farmer Maggot's cow."
Merry nodded sagely. "Well you'd have to be, Pip, since you look in the mirror and think yourself handsome every morning."
"You wound me, Merry. I thought I meant more to you than this."
"Nope. I'm here for Frodo. Didn't even notice you'd come along."
It must be noted here that Merry and Pippin had been in this Rivendell all morning and hadn't even realized they were in a different time. They were silly and more than a little oblivious, and honestly everyone else was prepping for a secret war council in two days, which was totally boring. They didn't even know most of the people in Rivendell, and the fact that elves don't age did them no favors.
The distinct sound of someone clearing their throat brought them back to the conversation.
"Ah right! Dwarves! Yes, we were talking."
"Honestly we probably just missed each other in the hallways."
Fili and Kili nodded, that made sense. They had been sneaking around for the last day anyway; it was easiest to get away with nonsense if no one saw you do it.
Kili was very interested by what the shorter hobbit had said earlier. Pippin, he thought to himself. Well that won't do. 'Poppin' it is. "What did you suggest for the wine a minute ago? Cinnamon and… mint?"
"Garlic, actually," replied Merry. "Though mint would probably also be quite terrible. We could use all three if we're feeling risque."
Fili paused, then raised his eyebrows. "We?"
"Well, if you'd like. We were down in the kitchens earlier to sneak some second breakfast and saw where they keep the cellars."
"We also found some of Gandalf's fireworks in a store room, so we're going to set them off in the dining hall," Pippin, Master of Secrets, chimed in proudly. Merry smacked his arm.
Fili and Kili stilled and their eyes grew wide. Each mentally repeated what Pippin just said. Finally deciding they had heard him correctly, they slowly turned to each other and grinned in a way that was bordering maniacal.
"You know, Poppin" said Kili, slinging an arm around Pippin's shoulders, "Fee and I have long been waiting for the day when we'd meet someone with as excellent taste in fun as us. I think we are all going to be great friends."
Pippin laughed heartily, and Fili enthusiastically stuck his hand out to Merry. Merry firmly shook it with a laugh and a grin. He quite liked these two dwarves already. They were much more interesting than the others he'd met around Rivendell, who were too busy hating elves to have any reasonable conversation about important things, like second breakfast.
"Shall we gather some plants and head to the cellars then?"
If anyone had been passing the eastern door of the Last Homely House one hour later, they would have seen four small people burst out and run pell-mell down the hill behind it, chortling all the way. Perhaps a person might have wondered what these four had done to make them flee so quickly. But alas, no one was there at that moment, and so no one was any the wiser.
Feeling inspired and devious, they proceeded to write "DWALIN THINKS ORCS ARE SEXY" in large letters on the doorway above the guest room the dwarves were staying in.
Then somehow all the forks from the kitchen mysteriously disappeared and ended up in a plot of the eastern garden, spaced one foot apart and each sticking straight up out of the ground.
After Kili stuck the last fork in the ground the four stood back with their hands on their hips and surveyed their handiwork.
Pippin knelt to stick a little sign in the ground that said "Fork Crop. Water daily!"
Kili forced his face into a faux-thoughtful expression and said, "The vegetables look to be coming in nicely, Fee."
"I'd have to say, based on my extensive gardening experience, I agree Kee. Soon the fork crop will be ready to harvest."
Merry, Pippin, Fili, and Kili then proceeded to write a love letter to Elrond from Thorin Oakenshield, and leave it in his bathroom. Then they wrote Thorin Oakenshield a love letter from Elrond, and left it in his boot.
It was at this point the four new friends were lazing on some grass overlooking a waterfall and trying to think of more helpful things to do.
"Hey Merry, why did Sauron tell his minions to melt down all the bells in Mordor?"
"I dunno Pip, why?"
"Because he was bored of the rings!"
All four broke into peals of laughter.
Merry sniggered and said to Pippin, "Pip, you laugh like a cackling old sea hag."
"No I don't! What even is a cackling old sea hag?"
"I have no idea. I read it in one of Bilbo's books. But I'm sure you laugh like one."
Pippin looked quite put out at this.
Laughing loudly, Kili said the group, "Ah, I've got one. An elf walked into a bar. The dwarf laughed and walked under it."
Fili snorted so hard he hurt his nose.
Kili then asked no one in particular, "Do you think elves are scared of rats? Maybe if we tied a fake rat on a string and dragged it past some doorways we could get them to scream. Jump on a chair. Maybe make a second facial expression."
Merry laughed loudly. "Kili my friend, that sounds like good fun. Pippin, what do you think?
… Pip? ... Hello?"
Pippin had suddenly gone completely still and was staring off into the middle distance, the light of pure inspiration in his eyes.
At that moment all the residents and visitors of Rivendell were blissfully unaware of the idea that had just popped into Pippin's head.
Well, they wouldn't be for long.
It must be noted that Gandalf, though a wizard of considerable power, is not omniscient. If he were he might have realized that taking a nap that afternoon was a terrible idea. He might have even took a nap anyway but slept lightly in order to properly guard his belongings. But as it is, he is not, and so he did none of those things. He was snoring away in his sunny guest room, blissfully dreaming of literally anything but the mischief about to occur. No one else was in the room to notice two small hands attached to two small arms reach slowly through the window and grab his wizard's staff – which was propped against the wall just inside. It was then slowly pulled back out through the window to a chorus of badly stifled giggling and muted guffaws.
The Valar may have also blessed Gandalf with an abnormally deep sleep and dreams so pleasant he did not want to wake up from them. But that was neither here nor there.
Merry, Pippin, Fili, and Kili were in heaven. Oh, the possibilities that were open to them now that they had Gandalf's wizard staff! They had to halt their expeditious retreat just to fall down laughing for five minutes before they could continue on.
The first thing they did was decide to put their Afternoon Of Being Helpful on hold and go in search of some un-spiked wine. They were successful, and left the cellars imbibed on top of their joviality, arms all around each other in camaraderie.
The alcohol might have impaired their judgement just a little bit, because the next thing they decided was that if they were to continue they needed disguises. But regular disguises were boring, so they needed silly disguises.
And so this sunny afternoon soon found four disguised short persons proudly walking through the gardens of Rivendell offering unsolicited criticisms of elf gardening techniques. Not that these disguises actually disguised them, because no one in Rivendell looked even five percent as ridiculous as them. It was the principle of the thing. Merry and Pippin sported fake black mustaches and fake black beards reaching to their waists. Kili was now a redhead with his hair in a bun. Fili was wearing obscenely large glasses and a tiara. Each was wearing clothes that are best described as "a violent assault on fashion". Best of all, it made them laugh, which each of the four had to admit was one of their favorite things.
Unsurprisingly, what little common sense they had (if any) had entirely fled them. The high of pure humor and delight had them reveling in their nonsense. The following things mysteriously happened over the next two hours:
Thorin's chest hair was magically and surreptitiously dyed blue beneath his tunic, to be discovered at a later time.
The bathhouse was accidentally set on fire and haphazardly put out.
Every fresco, mural, and scenery painting in the Last Homely House now had a cat hidden in the background.
The broken Sword of Elendil was now metallic pink.
Bilbo found a banner hung in his room that said "HAPPY birthday you're old."
Six pigs were turned invisible and released on the grounds.
Two of the ponies were relocated from inside the stables to on top of the stables. With a fence to keep them from falling off the roof, of course. Additionally, all horse and pony bridles now had horns sticking out the sides.
Gloin's pillow was replaced with a bag of pine needles.
The labels on two similar looking spices in the kitchen were switched, accidentally creating a recipe the next day that would be beloved by elves for the next thousand years.
Lindir received a note that said "O shit! If you don't write a poem about Glorfindel's left ear for the company dinner tomorrow, Elrond is going to behead you!"
Four "disguised" short persons fortified themselves by eating a lot of food. They also had coffee. This was a good idea.
Every figure in every painting in the Last Homely House became cross eyed.
A new painting appeared, hung in the hall next to the paintings of the most famous elves of Arda. It depicted two hobbits and two dwarves standing grandly atop a hill gazing out into a sunset, all of them shirtless and each with a very impressive six pack. (Merry and Pippin thought this was especially funny, since hobbits don't value muscle definition.) Each figure sported a frankly ludicrous amount of long glorious hair, flowing behind them as if lifted by a light breeze. They stood gazing proudly over the land, and altogether looking very majestic. A large oliphaunt stood behind them for no reason. Kili had five swords. Pippin had a nose ring. Altogether the artists agreed the figures were a spitting image of their real life models.
"Kee, I don't understand why we aren't artists instead of princes."
"I agree, brother. I'm sure Erebor has no art as good as this."
At one point Merry and Pippin glimpsed younger Bilbo through a window. They thought the hobbit looked somewhat familiar but that was a bit tiresome to think about, and so they didn't.
Lastly, they placed two buckets of mud and feathers above the door through which Thorin and Elrond were discussing boring important things, like rulers do. They hid behind the corner of the building to wait and proceeded to fail to stifle their giggles.
Not ten minutes later they were treated to the incredible view (and colorful curses) of a dwarf king and an elf lord dripping mud and spitting feathers.
Merry, Pippin, Fili, and Kili took one look at each other and broke down laughing so hard they made no sound at all. Their chests ached and they could barely breath for mirth. After a minute Fili looked back up at Thorin and Elrond.
He smacked his brother's shoulder.
"Uh. Kili."
Kili heaved in a breath and wiped a tear from his eye. "What?"
"… Run."
The four then finally noticed that Thorin and Elrond's eyes were upon them, and if looks could kill Thorin would be heirless.
They ran.
Thorin and Elrond, wearing expressions of outrage and hair dripping mud, turned and looked at each other. For the first time, Thorin Oakenshield and Elrond Half-Elven found themselves in perfect agreement. (Little did they know this was actually monumental.) This meant war. The two rulers may have been old, but they had been young once; their years simply meant they had extensive experience to draw upon. Fili, Kili, Merry and Pippin were in for a terrifying surprise.
The irony was not lost on the Valar, who were laughing like anything but the ancient proud deities they were.
As Thorin and Elrond changed clothes and began their own plots, Fili, Kili, Merry, and Pippin were hightailing it as far away from the last homely house as fast as their feet could carry them. This also meant they weren't being careful, so when Merry tripped on a root and went crashing to the ground he took his three companions with him.
As they all lay on the ground looking up into the tree branches above them Pippin said, "Hey, we didn't put those baskets there."
Sure enough, a line of baskets filled with what looked like sand were precariously attached to ropes and spread out among the tree branches, just waiting to be dumped on someone walking underneath.
Then they noticed the two elves in the tree who were putting the sand baskets there.
Four variations of "Who are you?!" were shouted simultaneously.
"Why hello! I'm Elladan, and this is my brother Elrohir!"
Aulë and Yavanna said, "Oh no."
Epilogue
That night Merry and Pippin were returned to their own time. Fili and Kili didn't see their new hobbit friends again before the dwarves left Rivendell to continue on their quest. Curiously, when Fili and Kili asked around no one else at Rivendell seemed to know who the two hobbits even were. Aside from Elrond- who had a knowing look in his eye but said nothing. A few months later Fili and Kili fought in the Battle of the Five Armies. The Durins all survived, and the brothers settled into life at Erebor, but frequently thought back fondly to one of the most fun days they ever had. Sixty years later Middle Earth went through the War of the Ring, and a month after the Battle of Pelennor Fields two hobbits arrived at the gates of Erebor, asking after two dwarves named Fili and Kili.
The royal council of Erebor never stood a chance.