"Today, my extracurricularly achieving students, we shall, for reasons that have absolutely nothing at all to do with the Triwizard Tournament and in fact have everything to do with anything but that, learn how to fight dragons!" I proclaimed to my club goers. I'd had my spirits check around the grounds to see if the first challenge was already being set up, and found a pen of dragons in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. That discovery sparked some memories about a golden egg, but I wasn't going to give them everything, only enough to not die horribly.
Obviously, everyone saw through my oh so clever deception, and the four champions in the room paled in terror.
"Now, just because this has nothing at all to do with the Triwizard Tournament, doesn't mean that it isn't useful. As a matter of fact, in spite of the fact that it has nothing at all to do with the Triwizard Tournament, it is really important to know how to fight a dragon in case, say, you had to fight one for reasons that have nothing at all to do with the Triwizard Tournament. So! Who can tell me what they would do if faced with this beautiful creature?" I asked as I held up a magical diagram with a moving dragon on it.
"Professor, if this club is to be dedicated to helping the champions, then why are the rest of us even here?" Greengrass said, narrowing her eyes sourly at me.
"Oh, but, Ms. Greengrass, teachers are forbidden from helping the champions in any way shape or form!" A rule that I thought was asinine and designed to get students killed so I wasn't abiding by it, but at the same time I was. "That is why this lesson has nothing at all to do with th-"
"We get it!" Greengrass shrieked, standing from her desk in a huff. "Do you intend to help the rest of us or only those four?" she demanded as she pointed a finger at the champions who I'd made sit at a table that had magical words floating over them that said, 'We joined a death game known to slaughter children so we need extra help!' Maybe it wasn't professional, but it was funny as hell, so it stayed.
Giving Greengrass a disbelieving look, I said, "Miss Greengrass, are you seriously telling me you don't want to learn how to fight a dragon?"
She opened her mouth to bite a remark back at me, then closed it. Then she sat down and crossed her arms over her chest.
"That's what I thought. I mean, come on, it's a dragon. Now, who can tell me how they'd go about fighting this thing?" I said as I motioned back to the dragon that was prancing around the diagram.
"It is big. That means it is slow. Speed would be important." one of the Durmstrang kids, not Krum, said.
"I can see why you would think that, but that is actually incorrect. Dragons are ridiculously fast. They have all the strength of an alligator combined with the speed of a snake. Even if they weren't able to breath fire they would still be at the top of the food chain. If you ever see a dragon, don't try to run; you'll only show it an unprotected target when you turn your back. Your best chance, as horrible as it sounds, is to stand and fight. That is, of course, unless you have a method of travel that allows you to keep up with or even surpass their own speed. Any other hypotheses?" I looked pointedly at the champions, and noticed that all but Potter had ideas in their head but they just weren't sharing them.
Sighing, I said, "Okay, champions, I get you want your hypothetical strategies to fight this beast you could hypothetically be fighting to stay secret so you could hypothetically get more points, but this is your chance for me to hypothetically help you. Do you really want to hypothetically walk out there and use a strategy that I could hypothetically have told you was stupid? Plus, all of you are in a death game, and while you may not be friends, you're going to feel it if one of you dies because you didn't open up about how to not die. Hypothetically speaking of course."
"So this entire club is just an excuse to help the champions?" Greengrass said, glaring at me.
"Miss Greengrass, I can say with utmost certainty that you will face a dragon, because dragons are the next test I'm giving you all! I'm just curious what someone would do if they were facing one down and, hypothetically of course, found themselves alone."
Somehow, the champions paled even further.
"And another thing, Miss Greengrass, have you not learned a dozen spells since you joined this club that you hadn't even heard of before? I am not neglecting the rest of you, but you are also not in a death game that is known to have a survival rate worse than the bubonic plague in the middle ages."
"What's the bubonic plague?" the only Hogwarts first year brave enough to join my club, he was a recent addition, asked.
I pointed at him. "You are staying after so I can teach you some history you should have learned by now. To get back on topic, how would you fight the dragon?"
Diggory looked sidelong at the other champions before sighing loudly and saying, "I would go for its eyes. If it can't see me, it isn't a threat."
"Ah, this is why I wanted you to speak up. You see, there is an obscure power that dragons possess that even most experts do not know. A dragon does not need its eyes to see. They have a membrane in their skull they receive from their magical nature that allows them to sense any movement within a certain distance. If you are close enough to the dragon, then eyes or no, it can find you."
Diggory swallowed audibly as he realized the strategy he had been creating in his head would have gotten him killed.
"Would I not simply be able to enchant the dragon with my song?" Fleur Delacour said in her thick accent, ignoring the thousand-yard stare Diggory was giving the wall next to her.
"You're a veela, right?" I asked for clarification.
She nodded, throwing a shy look over her shoulder to gauge the reactions of the class.
"First off, don't be ashamed of what you are. If people have a problem with it they can take a nose-dive off a cliff. Secondly, it should work rather well actually. Dragons are….shall we say, promiscuous by nature. While it isn't fun to think about, you could easily take advantage of that to bring it under your control." I said, admiring the sound plan.
"But how is that fair?" one of the Durmstrang kids whose name I didn't know - which, to be fair, I only knew Krum's - stood up in outrage. "If the others are not capable of doing the same, then she should-"
"I'm sorry, are you an idiot?" There were several shocked gasps at my question. "Answer me this, if you were really good at casting a stunning spell, but Miss Delacour was unable to cast a stunner, would you not use the stunner because it 'wasn't fair'?" He opened his mouth to speak, but I bulldozed over him. "No. You would use the stunner because it is in your arsenal and ignoring it would be stupid. Now, let's get back to dragon-slaying strategies."
"Does a dragon have any weak points in its armor?" Krum asked, his eyebrows furrowed in thought as he studied the moving dragon on the poster in my hand.
"No, but also yes. Let me explain; a dragon's outer armor is nigh-impenetrable. There are very few things I know of that could get through a strong dragon's hide, and no one in this room has access to that kind of firepower. Well, I do, but none of you are at the level needed for me to teach you any of them. However, there are two noticeable weak points - the eyes and the mouth. While Mr. Diggory's plan would not have worked to blind the dragon, it would have allowed him to damage it. It is incredibly hard to armor a fleshy orb, so if you land a strong enough hit there you'll be able to penetrate through to its brain. The second, the mouth, must be timed perfectly. Dragons only open their maw when they're trying to take a bite out of you or scorch you with some of the hottest fire to ever exist. You need to bait out an attack and react immediately to capitalize on the opening."
"What of the creature's anus?" Krum asked, and there were snickers around the room as the dirty minds of teenagers took that to its deviant conclusion.
Looking around, I said, "You're laughing, but some creatures the only way to hurt them is to go for the rectum or genitals. To answer your question, Mr. Krum, that particular strategy won't work. Both the anus and genitals reside in a cloaca that does not emerge while the dragon feels threatened or is actively hunting."
"How do you know all of this, professor?" Harry Potter said curiously. "Did you used to study dragons?"
"I…." I trailed off as the memory of fighting for control of my very being in the wake of my partner's betrayal resurfaced. "Let's just say I was once extremely close to the subject and leave it at that. Now, come on. There have to be some ideas we haven't heard yet?"
X
"Spread out! It can't fight all of us at once!" Greengrass shouted as she hurled spells at the furious reptile before her.
From where I sat watching the festivities in a nearby tree, I decided to show her just how wrong she was.
As the students moved to encircle the dragon, it coiled around itself, then spun in a lightning fast circle, knocking everyone back with its legs, tail and snout.
"Take away its mobility!" Diggory called as he clambered to his feet, flicking his wand to summon mighty vines from the ground to ensnare the creature.
The others, seeing how effective he was at limiting the creature's movement, followed his example and soon the dragon was completely covered in foliage.
"We did it!" the Hogwarts first year cheered.
Chuckling to myself, I watched as the students began to panic when the dragon just started spewing fire everywhere, coating its scales in flame and burning through its wooden cage.
"Water!" a girl from Bauxbatons yelled, hurling a ball of the liquid at the fire.
The flame dimmed for only a moment before roaring back three times brighter. Hadn't I told them dragon fire was some of the hottest in existence? It would take a lot more than that to douse the flame.
"Keep placing vines!" Krum said to everyone. "Make it keep breathing fire."
The majority understood what he was trying to do, and the rest just kept piling on vines and roots because they had nothing else they could do.
Krum walked around in front of the dragon and lined up his wand, waiting for a clean shot. A distortion of air launched from his wand just as the dragon's head came around, and his spell shot straight into what would have been the creature's brain.
Knowing any real dragon, at least the ones from this world, would be dead now, I had the dragon lumber free from the roots, feigning extreme brain damage, and launching into the air to haphazardly fly away.
"Not bad. Not bad at all." I said to the exhausted students as they all caught their breath. "I know we have another hour of time left, but I'm going to call it here. Get some food, some water and some rest. I'll see you all in class tomorrow."
As I walked away I heard several thumping sounds as students collapsed to the Earth, too tired to keep standing.
"Oh, and, Mr. Smith?" I said as I turned towards the Hogwarts first year. "Your remedial history lessons have been rescheduled for the hour before your next class. Don't be late!"
The boy just groaned in response.
I was doing a rather good job of teaching these kids.
X
A knock sounded at my door as I was studying yet another cursed letter. I could have been working on my artifice projects, but they were coming along nicely and I felt confident I'd finish them before anything too terrible happened.
"Come in." I said, as I slid the letter away.
Cedric Diggory walked into the room, and his eyes widened as he beheld the stacks of mail as tall as he was.
"Yes, I've become rather popular in my short tenure as a professor at this lauded institution. Was there something I could help you with, Mr. Diggory?"
His gaze found mine and he said, "Well, professor, I was hoping I could go over my strategy for the first challenge with you?"
I narrowed my eyes, and spoke in a scolding tone as I said, "Now, Mr. Diggory, you know that professors are not to show any favoritism to any champion. You must complete the first task on your own merits."
His shoulders slumped in defeat. "I see, thank you for your time, professor." He started to walk from the room, only to turn around once more, a questioning look in his eye. "Professor? I have a strategy with me to help me fight a dragon on my own, but I do not know if it will work. Could you assist me?"
"A dragon fight?" I said in mock surprise. "Why didn't you say so? Come on over and let's take a look. Be mindful of the letters, I wouldn't want to explain to Dumbledore how my student ended up with serpents in place of his intestines. Now what is your plan so far?"
He blinked owlishly at me. "Could you repeat that, professor?"
"What is your plan so far?" I said again with an innocent curiosity on my face, messing with students was fun. No wonder Dumbledore did it all the time.
Deciding my insanity wasn't worth his sanity, Diggory said, "Well I know a transfiguration charm that will let me animate things. I was going to create a distraction and hopefully take advantage of that to strike while the dragon's guard was down."
"That is an incredibly risky strategy." I said, thinking it over. "Why would the dragon prioritize your construct over yourself? And even if it did, it is still a dragon. It is more than capable of dealing with both of you at the same time. If you truly want that plan to work, you'll need an additional layer of protection in obscuring yourself from the dragon's senses so the only target available is your construct."
"But how do I do that, professor?" he said worriedly. "Did you not say they have a membrane that lets them sense people?"
"I did, but I didn't say it was foolproof; just that it wouldn't be blind without its eyes. If you had a spell to obscure your sight, smell and any sound you make, you could theoretically achieve victory with your plan if you moved slowly so as to trick the dragon into seeing the animated dog as the greater threat."
"But how do I do that, professor? The disillusionment charm only obscures your location, not your scent or sound."
"Who said anything about using the disillusionment charm?" I said with a raised eyebrow. Reaching into one of my desk's drawers, I pulled out a blank piece of paper and a pen and started drawing on it, making some notations in the margins to make the symbol easier to understand for someone who didn't know what they were looking at. Once I was done, I held the paper out to Diggory. "Memorize this, then promptly burn it. It will do exactly what you need it to."
Diggory took the paper with a confused look on his face that slowly evolved into an expression of wonder and disbelief as he saw what he was holding. "Professor, this is-"
"A spell that you will memorize then burn, correct?"
He rolled the paper up and gave me a serious nod, saying, "Yes, professor. Thank you." He turned around and walked to the door. Stopping in the doorway, he turned around and said, "Everyone assumes you always go off to eat while we're fighting the monsters, but you're always right there, aren't you?"
"One-hundred points to Hufflepuff. It would have been a lot more, but I literally had to spell it out for you. Get it? Spell?" I said with a goofy smile on my face.
Diggory just shook his head. "Thank you, professor. Good night." He shut the door behind him as he left.
He was a nice kid. He didn't have Greengrass's obsessive drive that would send her to the moon, but he did have a quiet intelligence and desire to succeed. He was another one to watch out for.