Disclaimer: Yup! Still not mine.
Being the dead last of Konoha's rookie 9, it is understandable that there are many things in his life that he has yet to understand. Like why instant ramen takes an entire three minutes to cook when it explicitly states that it is "instant"; why Tsunade-baa-san still looks twenty-something when it's obvious that she's more than 60 years old; why Kakashi refuses to remove his mask, even while bathing; or why Jiraiya is still as lecherous as ever even with his age.
He knows it his weakness—to understand and analyze things beyond the simplicity of ramen instructions and illustrated hand seals—and he is content nonetheless with what other things he is left to work with. Unlimited chakra and a dubious albeit over-protective demon mean that he has more than enough—without the need for Shikamaru's tactical mind and Sakura-chan's shrewdness—to rise in the world of shinobis.
There is calmness in him when sporadic moments of curiosity rise. When he asks these questions: the why's, how's, and what if's, he knows he can never really answer them and is quite satisfied with that fact. He does not wallow in endless equations and incomprehensible logic. He works with what he has, what he knows, what he is given, and that is why he is not burdened by heavy thoughts like Shikamaru is whenever Tsunade gives him troublesome work.
Or perhaps, that is just Shikamaru and he was simply born with a ready scowl on his face.
But regardless of his ready acceptance of his deficiencies, (and another question to add to the list of life's mysteries), there are some things that do frustrate him whenever he fails to find ready answers.
He wonders, from time to time, and recently it has become more frequent, why he cannot smile as fully and easily as he used to before. He is pressed to think of something that has so drastically changed that could have caused a near-impossible alteration. A loudmouth prankster cannot play his role when he cannot keep up appearances. It is a wonder that no one else has yet to comment on his dampening mood.
He is more than frustrated with the fact that as he sits there, hand cupped in a pair of delicate ones, hip touching hip, eyes caught in a pair of pearl-like ones that promise love and devotion (things he has long strived for, apart from being Hokage), he does not find himself ecstatic or even remotely pleased as he had long imagined himself to be in this type of situation.
He swallows the lump in his throat and knows that what he feels is nothing less than disappointment.
Is it possible to be disappointed because of disappointment?
He is uncertain of what else to think, much more to say, to someone whose eyes are begging for his recognition. He does not move when her lips hover above his and then plant a chaste kiss almost a little too quickly to be felt.
But he did feel it. And it was hurting him why he could not feel so happy about it.
She looks at him with wide eyes and if he is reading her correctly, the way Neji had long ago in a time when disappointment never seemed possible, then he knows that she is about ready to burst into tears, which she would valiantly try to pass off as something caught in her eyes. He sees her eyes glistening and he knows he has done it again and wonders why he never learns.
6 months and he begins to doubt that he will ever learn this lesson. He cannot seem to make her happy, much the same way he cannot answer the many questions of life. He vaguely understands that perhaps, she is not who he wants cupping his hand and sitting closely, hip to hip. But even then, he likes her enough to do other things but this. It bothers him to know that like and love are too very different things.
He sighs before he catches himself but at least he isn't so slow that he has not yet learned how to placate a weeping Hinata. He grins at her reassuringly, holds both her hands in his now—and it still amazes him how easily he engulfs them both with just one hand—and pulls her into an embrace he isn't quite sure means what to them both.
She shudders and sobs and he hears her apologizing about how weak she is and all her other insecurities but these he already knows. It is funny that he has memorized her list, her reactions and her mannerisms, but he cannot grasp the problem driving a wedge in their relationship.
He knows they are at a standstill; past the excitement of its novelty, stuck in the comfort of familiarity. From time to time, he asks himself if he—no, they—will ever move forward, but even that, he cannot answer. He is disgruntled and irritated and his arms are filled with loving limbs and uncertainties. Perhaps, these are enough to account for his slow nature. Again, he isn't too sure.
He finds himself always uncertain lately.
But what he knows, he does so purposely. Suddenly, she is bodily in his arms and he carries her off to where they could be alone and he would be too engrossed in her touches and warmth to discern his hormones from his heart. He knows it is the closest he has ever gotten to cheating but then he does not mind too much when he pretends he is the prince and Hinata, the princess and that, like in all good fairytales, they are inevitably meant to be together. He finds it slightly amusing that he is able to think about things this way. For a while, it takes away the sting of guilt and the frustration that they have no 'happily ever after' after all possible mistakes have been exhausted.
In the end, there could no longer be a 'they'.
In the meantime though, while they still aren't too sure if things will work if they stick it out a little longer—both being naturally too hardheaded for their own goods to admit defeat—or if it will fizzle away into regrets in the end, he holds her the way he has learned to, the way he knows makes her feel loved and a little extra special, and she clings on like there is no tomorrow (because who knows, there might not really be).
And as they go through the rounds of loving and loving back, he asks himself when he will learn to stop pretending, to stop imagining pink hair, green eyes, and rougher touches than the ones Hinata so willingly gives. He wonders if he will ever stop wondering about this particular 'what if' and start appreciating what is here and now.
He wonders if he will ever learn to admit that this was a mistake and that not giving up may not always be the best way.
He wonders if will ever know what he really wants and if he has enough courage to give up what he already has.
And because he is the dead last of Konoha's rookie 9, because he is slow and too used to ramen instructions and illustrated hand seals, he finds himself at a total loss.
Author's notes: Uhmm...yeah, Naruto was oober OOC, wasn't he? Oh well, that's life-er-fanfictions for you. So, what else was I supposed to write here? Ah!
To Hououza: (the spelling killed me, I swear!) thanks for reviewing. Hehe! I'm glad you liked it.
To WolfBane2: Boohoo...TT. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the ending. I guess I was trying for that 'open-ending' feel. I'll try better! Hehe.