A/N: I know, I know. It's been awhile since Danielle and I have posted anything on here. We both just started school...so it hasn't exactly been fun around here. But for those of you who read Marauder Confidential, we're SO sorry about the wait ( especially Silver Ice- our only faithful reviewer:-). we PROMISE it's being worked on.) That'll be up soon. And for those of you who read the Last of Lily Evans, Danielle's finishing the next chapter, which I do believe will be the last one, according to her. So thanks for reading this story,and please leave a review!
Disclaimer: Nope. Not mine.
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Dear James-
I should probably say this to you in person. I think that's how this sort of thing is supposed to go. But I've never really been good at talking about my feelings- something I suppose you've noticed over these past years. Except, of course, anger and resentment. I never seemed to have problems expressing those. And now I'm getting off track. Great. Just how I wanted this letter to go.
I remember in fourth grade writing a poem that went something like' I sit and watch the world parade past/a tidal wave of change crashes down outside my window pane/ I sit and watch the world parade past, and smile as it happens. . My teacher thought this was a sign I was too afraid to plunge into anything. She wrote to my parents, and I remember my dad being so disappointed. I don't want to disappoint you too, James. I'm ready to plunge, even if it means I have to jump in front of a crazed carriage of frenzied horses parading past and get trampled. Oh dear. I suppose I'm babbling again. Especially since you probably don't know what I'm talking about in the first place. I'm not crazy. I'm really not. But at this point I probably sound like it.
So in order to try to make this as quick and painless as possible, I should probably just say this. I-. That's it. I can't write this. I feel foolish enough already. But my owl is staring at me with her large amber eyes, daring me. "Do it, Lily. Just say it. Get it over with. The worst thing that can happen is that he'll hate you for eternity." And if I ever send this letter, I know you'll be reading this with a puzzled undertone to your hazel eyes, and a slight line of confusion etched into your forehead, saying, " Why do you care if I hate you? You already hate me." But that's so far from the truth. You've been so much better this past year, that I couldn't help but notice.
Unfortunately, you also got a new girlfriend this year. Your 3-month anniversary is in two days. I've been keeping track of this, but it seems hopeless as of now that you'll somehow fall out of love with her and back in love with me in the 2 months we have remaining in our 7th year. As my friend Alice would say, " Stranger things have happened." But I ruined it. I pushed you away, and then the last time you asked me out, I mercilessly SHOVED you away. The truth is I didn't want anyone to get that close to me. After my parents died, I didn't think I deserved to be happy again. I wasn't there to protect them the day Voldemort came and killed them both. And I realize now it's not my fault. But so much more is.
And as I'm writing this, the tears are falling as I realize just how much I've hurt you. I can vividly remember all the times I've turned you down, and how the brightness in your eyes seemed to die a little. And your smile seemed to lose so much of that glow. And that is something that is my entire fault. Sirius used to give me such nasty looks in the corridors. I remember being puzzled as to the reason why. I was too blind to realize that I had hurt his best friend, changed his personality forever.
And, when you think about it, I really don't deserve to be happy. I failed my parents the day they died. And whenever I say that, people shake their heads and sigh, saying it's not my fault. But still, its something I feel guilty for. That, and the way I killed your spirit are two things I'll never forgive myself for.
But I've also realized something else. Life's not always fair. It can deal some really cruel cards sometimes, but you just have to keep waiting for the next card to make you happy again. And you know what? That card always comes. And with you by my side, I think that card could always be on top.
In case you still don't understand what I'm saying, I'll just tell you now. I'm brave enough, I think. I love you. It's true. I really, really do. And if life sees fit to throw another nasty card my way by you saying you could never forgive me for the way I've treated you, then I suppose I'll just have to live with it. But I also think, or rather, I know that you need me the way I need you. We were meant to be together, no matter our obstacles in the past. Because that's where I want to leave all of my troubles- in the past. To forgive and forget is something people should do a lot more often, and it's something I need you to do. Except don't forget us, James- or rather, the vision you had of us. Because I can't seem to give you up. And even though you gave up on me a long time ago, I'll never give you up. I won't. I simply can't.
All my love,
Lily
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A/N: Soo...did you like it? Hate it? Think it was confusing? Depressing? Leave a review please and tell me what you think!
-Kristen