It wasn't easy being Captain, let alone any position in Manhattan's Special Victims Unit.

Yet to anyone on the outside looking in, Captain Olivia Benson was the pinnacle of poise, determination, and strength.

She rose up the ranks from Detective to Sergeant, to Lieutenant, to Captain. The experiences she went through, both good and bad, shaped her into the person and leader she is today. She is warm, caring, and empathetic towards victims. To perps, she is tough as nails, hard-hitting, and unstoppable until the case was solved. As a boss, she was strict, but fair and an excellent mentor. Her favorite 'job' other than her actual job, was being a mother to her son Noah.

As mentioned before, on the outside, Olivia Benson was seemingly perfect.

If only she herself could see it.

Olivia stared in the mirror in her bedroom, a daily ritual as she got dressed in the morning. She sighed as she scanned up and down, taking notice of every 'flaw' with her body.

'My thighs are big…and I look bloated…I really need to cut back again. Just a few pounds, that should be it,' Olivia thought as she turned to get a look at every angle. It felt like no matter what she did or what she wore, she looked 'heavy' and 'unattractive'.

Yet she knew deep down, that even when she'd aim to lose weight healthily, she'd spiral to the disordered eating and exercise patterns that have plagued her since she was a teenager. She has tried to remedy this habit, and she even mentioned it in small increments to her therapist, but she couldn't let it go entirely. This…disorder had a tight grip and it scared her to lose it, despite knowing that it was doing more harm than good.

Olivia snapped out of her thoughts when she heard Noah waking up and she quickly got dressed. She needed to get him ready for school and then head to work. It was an easy distraction, getting Noah fed and dressed, packing his lunch and backpack, hurrying out of their apartment to walk to his school, hugs, and kisses, and then watching him enter the school building.

It was then that Olivia remembered about breakfast for herself. Her stomach growled, but it made her smile rather than be concerned.

'I'm good. I'll settle for coffee at the precinct'

It had been a couple of months and while Olivia didn't see any results, her team certainly did. They noticed how their boss seemed to not be eating like she normally did. She was always seen with coffee, maybe some fruit, but she never went out for drinks after work or join in when someone would order pizza anymore. Her excuses were that she was focused on a case or she needed to tend to Noah.

Sonny, Amanda, and Fin would have accepted this change in pattern, but the change in appearance made it hard for them to accept that their boss was "fine" as she would say.

Her face looked gaunt and tired. Her work clothes hung loosely on her. Amanda could have sworn she saw Olivia's collarbones protruding more than before. She and Sonny have gently expressed concerns while Fin flat out told her that she looked sick. Olivia always waved away their concerns though. She was fine, she was tired, she needed a good night's sleep. After a while, these excuses were becoming hard to believe, but despite this change, Olivia continued to excel at her job. Cases were solved, perps were apprehended. She was even given a special NYPD award for her contributions.

The narrative continued about how Olivia Benson was successful and perfect, but the cracks were slowly beginning to show.

Elliot. Elliot Stabler. Her former partner, Elliot Stabler.

He was back.

Not without tragedy though, as she witnessed him losing his wife Kathy to someone who seemingly wanted revenge against the detective.

Olivia was there for him and his family in their grief, but she was still shaken up about Elliot's sudden return.

He had been gone for over 10 years. He never called, never wrote, never explained why he left. It still pained her, thinking back to the harrowing moment when Captain Cragen told her he left.

Just before his return, she was starting to eat more and fall back into a 'normal' routine, but this event sent her backward. She barely ate, only when eyes were on her. Noah started asking why she didn't eat dinner with him, and it led her to try and put on a brave face for her son.

'Mommy isn't hungry right now,' 'Mommy will eat later,'

Her emotions and feelings were all over the place. Most nights were spent crying alone in her bedroom, staring at her reflection and wishing she could be so small, that no one can see her.

At the same time, the feelings she once felt for her former partner would arise, even if they made her feel awful.

'He just lost his wife. The last thing he is thinking about is me,'

Olivia felt so alone. Trapped in a cycle she couldn't break. Normally she would have a spell of not eating before going back to eating normally, but this time she was stuck in the disorder and she hated to admit it, but she needed help.

Olivia Benson doesn't ask for help though. Olivia Benson can handle anything life throws at her. She can handle this too…

Elliot had been so busy with Organized Crime, Richard Wheatley, and his wife's death, that he didn't realize that something was wrong with Olivia.

He first noticed something when he gave her a hug, and it felt like he was hugging bones.

He then started to pick up other small details. She was smaller, way too small. She looked sickly. She was always working, never stopping for a break…or a meal. She looked like she could be blown away by a gust of wind.

Elliot normally could say what was on his mind without hesitation, but it also felt like his brain was in a fog as he dealt with solving his wife's murder and taking care of his family, along with his PTSD. When it hit him that something was up with Olivia, he felt awful for not noticing sooner.

It had been months since his return to New York. The case against Richard Wheatley went south and he almost lost his son who was struggling with his mental health. Despite looking sick and frail, Olivia was still there for Elliot and Eli, providing strength and comfort. Something Elliot will forever be grateful for.

After the nightmare with Eli was over, when he told her that he wanted to find balance in their relationship…or friendship, as Olivia suggested, he meant every word. The same with learning more about her and the life she lived while he was gone. If she was going through something, he wanted to be there for her. Especially when it looked like Olivia was struggling with a silent battle.

He invited Olivia to grab a bite to eat later one afternoon, but she was quick to turn it down. He tried again a couple of times and eventually she did say yes to a Chinese restaurant close to her precinct, but he couldn't help but watch her nibble on some steamed vegetables and only eat a couple of forkfuls of white rice. It was barely a meal. He didn't say anything at the time since he was just glad he could finally do lunch with her, but it seemed to confirm a couple of theories he had running in his head. He had seen his daughters deal with eating disorder stuff when they were in high school, so could this be what Olivia was dealing with?

Before he made any conclusions though, he wanted more information and it meant having a difficult conversation with his former partner.

It was a cold December evening when Elliot arrived at Olivia's apartment. It was late enough where Noah would be asleep, but Olivia would still be awake. Elliot knocked on the door and waited patiently for Olivia to answer.

Olivia was on the couch, trying to go over case files, despite a raging headache. She heard the knocking and cautiously went to the door. She relaxed slightly when she saw it was only Elliot and opened the door.

"Elliot, what brings you here?" Olivia questioned.

Elliot smiled when Olivia answered the door, but it faltered slightly when he saw how pale and drawn her face looked.

"I figured I stop by, not drugged up like last time. Give you a better experience. You up for company?" Elliot said, with a hint of humor in his voice. Olivia chuckled, a small but genuine smile appearing.

"Well, I appreciate that. Please, come in," Olivia responded as she opened the door wider and watched her former partner enter. She felt calm with him in her apartment, but with her raging headache and the hunger she was trying to ignore, she also felt slightly panicked.

"Busy with a case?" Elliot acknowledged, noticing the case files on the couch. Olivia quickly hurried over and cleaned up the mess of papers.

"Yeah, but if I read any more pages, my brain may explode," Olivia answered which made Elliot laugh.

"I know that feeling,"

"I'm sure you do,"

Both partners looked at each other. The silence was awkward, but neither partner knew what to say. For Elliot, he had a million things he could say that sat jumbled in his mind. For Olivia, she could barely focus on the moment and the man in front of her.

"Please sit," Olivia finally responded, knowing that formalities were easy. "Would you like me to get you anything?"

"I'm okay, thanks," Elliot answered as he sat in a loveseat while Olivia sat back down on the couch. "How are you doing? Like really, how are you?"

Olivia released a breath she didn't realize she was holding. That was a loaded question though, and she knew that she needed to pick her words wisely. Especially since this was Elliot.

"I'm as well as can be expected. I've got a team to manage, a child to raise, and I've got my hands full… but that hasn't stopped me from anything. I know you've got your hands full on your end, with your unit, the kids, and your mother. It's a lot right now," Olivia explained carefully, trying her best to deflect the conversation and focus on him.

"You're right, we both are going through a lot…but I want you to know that I'm here if you need me. You can tell me anything, I'm a phone call or a quick drive away…"

"What's this really about, Elliot?" Olivia cut him off, feeling uncomfortable with how the conversation turned.

Elliot took a deep breath and decided to go for it.

"I'm worried about you. You don't look well…" Elliot started but immediately Olivia's reaction made him stop short.

"No, no we aren't having this conversation. I hear that enough at my precinct, I don't need to hear it from you," Olivia snapped. "I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine,"

"I don't believe you," Elliot said simply.

"Okay fine. Don't believe me, I don't care. If all you are here to do is talk about problems I'm not having, you can leave,"

"Liv, please. I'm not here to start a fight or make you upset. I'm just concerned because it feels like the Olivia I know has faded away. The sparkle in your eyes, the spring in your step, it's gone," Elliot begged, trying to deescalate a situation that was brewing, but Olivia was now angry, bordering on fury.

"You were gone for 10 years Elliot, a lot about me is gone! I'm not the partner I used to be. I know you want to learn more about my life now that you are back, but this isn't the way to ask and find out!"

"You're right. You're right and I'm sorry," Elliot calmly answered, standing up and moving closer to the couch where Olivia sat. "You don't need to tell me everything in one night. I'm not going undercover again or leaving New York any time soon,"

Olivia opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She felt cornered and while every ounce of her wanted to scream at him to stop and leave, she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"I know something is bothering you, I can see it. You only have to tell me what you want to say, and nothing will change the way I see and think of you. Please Liv…let me in," Elliot rested his hand on top of her hand, like the way she held his hand in the car ride to New Jersey to find Eli. If he could provide the same level of comfort to her as she did for him, it would help him feel like he made some sort of a difference.

Olivia by now felt her lips quivering and tears beginning to well in her eyes. She wanted to tell him everything so badly, but it felt like if she started talking, she would never be able to stop. The eating disorder voice was also yelling, telling her to shut up and not say a word, but she was too exhausted to fight and hide. She couldn't do it anymore.

"El…I-" Olivia started, before clearing her throat and willing herself not to cry. "I don't know where to start," She eventually admitted.

"The beginning…or wherever you want to start," Elliot answered, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. It only made Olivia want to cry harder.

"That's the thing," Olivia said, in a voice so soft, it was almost like a whisper. "There's no real place to start…but I guess I can say that when I told you that I have my hands full, I meant it and you know why…but what you don't know is the struggle to keep my head above water. I'm told constantly how much I mean to people, how I've done so much good in my time with the NYPD, and that I am raising my son well, but it feels like it is never enough. I know the saying "nobody's perfect", but I feel like I need to be perfect in every aspect of my life. That includes…with how I look…and I don't want to worry people and I know that everyone is noticing that something is wrong, but I can't stop and I'm…so fucking scared,"

The silence was heavy, as silent tears streamed down Olivia's face and the shock had Elliot unsure about how to respond. This confession certainly gave him a semi-conclusion of what he was thinking before, but it didn't change the concern and empathy he felt for his former partner.

The only thing he could think of to do was pull his partner into a hug.

Olivia froze at the suddenness of the hug, but the warmth and familiarity of being held by Elliot easily calmed her.

"Liv…I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. I'm more sorry that I wasn't here for you, recently and when I left. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone, but I'm here now. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. We'll figure this out, I'll do whatever I can to help you,"

As they pulled away from the hug, Elliot could still see the tears streaking Olivia's cheeks. He brought his hand to her face and gently brushed away the tears with her fingers.

"When I said that I loved you, months ago at my intervention, I meant it. I know you want a friendship right now, and that is still in effect, but that doesn't change the fact that I still love you. All of you…and that's not going to change,"

At that moment, hearing those words and everything else, Olivia broke. What were just tears became sobs and Elliot immediately pulled her back into his arms. She cried into his shoulder as he rubbed her back and whispered words of comfort.

However, while her tears were filled with sadness and now unlocked emotions, there was relief in them. That this secret had finally come to light and it was told to someone she trusted. There is going to be a long road ahead for them, especially for Olivia, but for the first time in a while, she was safe. Elliot was back.

She was going to be okay.

A/N: At long last, a fic that isn't about Rosalie Benson and focuses on your favorite ship and mine, E/O! Merry Christmas everyone!

All jokes aside, I hope you all enjoy this one-shot story I cooked up. If you want to see it get extended and become a full story, please let me know in the reviews. Critiques and/or questions are also welcome. Once again, a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all. Stay tuned for new works and hopefully a new chapter for Nightmare.