Things to read before you read: Intentional overuse of Roy Mustang's full name. But you noticed that already, right?
I declare this story disclaimed.
Colonel Roy Mustang's Observations. Subject: Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist.
Sunday, October 11th – Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, sleeps funny.
Apparently, the older he gets, the more Subject A needs to sleep.
Roy Mustang, acting in the interest of science, will now record the times and places Subject A slept between the time of his arrival, 7:48 am, and 9:51 pm, and his observations on the Subject's sleeping habits. (1)
8:03 am – guest bedroom, on the bed.
8:12 am – guest bedroom, on the floor.
10:43 am – den, on the couch.
1:20 pm – kitchen, on the counter.
3:59 pm – living room, on the armchair.
4:01 pm – living room, on the rug.
5:29 pm – guest bedroom, on the bed.
8:18 pm – bathroom, on the floor.
9:30 pm – den, on the couch.
9:51 pm – guest bedroom, on the bed.
As is obvious, Subject A is not very particular about when or where he decides to snooze.
Subject A commences his visit by falling asleep less than five minutes after Roy Mustang generously goes out of his way to show him where he would be sleeping for the week. He does not even take the time to appreciate the high quality of the sheets he is putting his boots all over, although Roy Mustang once again ponders why he didn't put them on his own bed. They are quite nice sheets, after all, very soft and light. (Roy Mustang fervently hopes that, in spite of Subject A's many idiosyncrasies, he does not wet the bed.) A bit later, while combing his glossy, silky black hair, Roy Mustang hears a 'thud' from the guest bedroom. He goes to investigate.
Subject A is now on the floor, comforter, pillow and all. Unhurt, Subject A rolls over and continues sleeping. Roy Mustang leaves him there. He's obviously comfortable.
Later in the morning, Roy Mustang is diligently keeping up with world events by reading the newspaper when Subject A troops down the stairs, slightly disheveled and looking irritated.
"Your house is too damn complicated." He scowls, sticking his hands on his hips. He's wearing those ridiculous pants again. Roy Mustang is beginning to suspect that Subject A has one mother of a leather fetish. "Is there a bathroom upstairs, or did I walk into four closets for no reason?"
"I would have shown you where it was," Roy Mustang responds, crisply folding the newspaper, "but you seemed far more interested in dirtying up my sheets with your boots."
Subject A throws a pillow at his head.
Subject A naps on the couch. Roy Mustang learns that, while in an advanced state of slumber, Subject A mumbles. He has an entire conversation with someone named 'Russel', consisting mostly of 'you bastard' and 'stupid phony'. There are a few other various phrases directed towards Alphonse, Roy Mustang, Winry Rockbell, and another unidentified person referred to only as 'Mr. Twinkletoes'. Roy Mustang notes this for future reference, and possibly for blackmail.
Subsequent to lunch (2), Subject A lays down to continue his nap, sprawling facedown on the kitchen counter. It is a testament to his shortness that he fits. Subject A also drools in his sleep. Roy Mustang is now firm in his belief that his kitchen has cooties.
Rather disgusted at the now-damp state of his counter, Roy Mustang proceeds to "gently" poke Subject A in the shoulder for almost five minutes, before realizing he is poking at automail. He decides on a more effective alarm clock. Subject A does not enjoy being smacked in the face with an overripe banana, and Roy Mustang retires to the shower to wash mush out of his hair.
After a long, hot shower, Roy Mustang walks down the stairs, shirtless, skin still slightly damp and muscles rippling, but not so much that he could be mistaken for Major Ancientfamilytechnique (name changed to protect the innocent). He is unsurprised to find Subject A draped over the armchair. He is also unsurprised when Subject A again demonstrates his amazing talent (3) to flop onto the floor from any height and not wake up.
At 5:29 pm, while checking to be sure his lab rat hadn't died, Roy Mustang makes a discovery to end all discoveries. Subject A, the famed Fullmetal Alchemist, the little boy whose legendary temper has turned towns upside down, is in possession of a security blanket.
Upon approaching the bed, Roy Mustang finds Subject A curled around a plaid green and white blanket, hugging it protectively. The only circumstance hampering the adorable scene is the growling emitting from Subject A's throat. Roy Mustang suspects rabies. He backs away, not out of fear, of course, but because in a military setting snarling and foaming at the mouth are generally not considered becoming of a high-ranking officer such as himself.
Despite having spent five years of his life living mostly on trains and inns with a very sporadic schedule, Subject A has decent hygiene practices. "I'm going to take a shower." Subject A says, standing up and yawning. "If I'm not back in a half hour, make sure I didn't drown, okay?"
Roy Mustang agrees. Loss of a subordinate, especially a prodigy such as Subject A, would likely damage his high chances of being Fuhrer in the future.
Subject A does not return. Roy Mustang finds him half dressed and asleep on the bath mat. Roy Mustang does not want to specify which half was dressed, just that he threw a tube of toothpaste and told Subject A to wake up and make himself decent.
Subject A's bedtime is obviously 9:30. At that time exactly he drops onto the couch and falls back asleep. Roy Mustang, being the kind, caring, sympathetic man he is, graciously carries Subject A upstairs and puts him to bed. Subject A kicks him and rolls over. Roy Mustang doesn't feel quite as kind and caring.
Subject A does not wet the bed. Roy Mustang is eternally grateful. Those sheets were expensive.
(1) All times are approximated, as Roy Mustang has far better things to do than spend every waking moment watching a teenager snooze. Roy Mustang did not become the highly-esteemed Colonel he is today by observing the sleeping habits of Subject A.
(2) It is learned that Subject A does not like bologna. The charred remains of Roy Mustang's bologna have been given a proper burial.
(3) Subject A's amazing talents are, of course, inferior to Roy Mustang's amazing talents.
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