Note: Originally written for Yuletide2021/magicasen on ao3.

Lost Soul

1

Gone Without Being Forgotten

The woman had a familiar face that resembled the missing person in many ways. What a tease, since this, of course, was not who had been hoped to be found at all. "Satoko-chan," the lady greeted on the stairs down from the shrine with a nod. "How have you been?"

There had to have been chatter around town to answer that question, so Satoko didn't bother to do so herself. "Where are you hiding her?" she asked instead.

The woman pursed her lips, turning around. "Why don't you come back to the house?" she invited.

That the beloved person may actually be revealed was far too much to hope for, though Satoko did anyway. However, the Furude household was empty of other people. "Would you like some tea?" the woman invited.

Satoko accepted the offer. As a looper, she had to be patient, which involved plenty of moments of lull. However, the number of loops without even the proper knowledge had her previous patience wearing thin. "Did you send her away from Hinamizawa?" Satoko asked. The woman put on a baffled expression very reminiscent of the person Satoko sought, the reaction becoming infuriating. "Your daughter is who I'm talking about! Your daughter!" she repeated, slamming her hand on the table which spilled some tea from her cup.

Realizing she might have overdone it, Satoko then put her hands in her lap out of sight, hiding the trembling. "Isn't it blasphemous? To hide her? To send her away. Whatever you did!"

The woman sighed. "So you know the stories... That any daughter of mine would be the reincarnation of Oyashiro-sama."

"Of course I know that!" Satoko shouted. It was common knowledge in nearly all the fragments she'd visited, the referenced person being given special treatment for being such.

"Satoko-chan... I can see you're upset. I've heard of your concern with not being able to find this person, but she quite simply doesn't exist."

Shouting didn't help, so there was no point in doing so again. Torturing this person didn't help either. Actively looking for the missing person had already been done, extensively. In this very house seemed the most obvious location, as well as the secretive family's locked areas of the shrine. Was she somewhere in the Sonozaki's compound? Satoko had been willing to risk her own torture to look, again and again. Various other places a child would stick out and not be allowed were all searched extensively.

Of course, this had been done in different fragments. Endless time was provided by these powers, though the limits of any single human lifetime still applied. Therefore, it was impossible to search any one fragment completely. If someone could just give a hint, that would make things much easier. Believing the woman's declaration certainly wouldn't give the wanted clue. "I know she's out there... Furude Rika!" Satoko declared. Seeing the shocked expression of the person in front of her, Satoko smirked, assuming she was making some headway. "I'm right, aren't I? I-"

"Who told you..." the woman muttered. "I suppose no one could have... But that is what I would have named my daughter. 'Rika', with the kanji for pear blossom." The woman looked to the table, wiping up the mess Satoko made. She seemed to try and force a smile, though she got teary eyed as she worked. "There's still time, of course. Perhaps she will exist one day. You could meet her then, Satoko-chan. Of course, I don't know if our paths will cross again after we all leave. But in the meantime, please don't worry so much."

So this was a fragment where Hinamizawa would be sunk. In these, the adults of the Houjou family and Furude family got along relatively well. That was fairly meaningless without Rika. Rika's mother never even said her daughter had died. The one who would have given birth to the town's little princess only claimed to have no children. Why would someone as precious as Rika be hidden all her life? There had to be a reason. To prevent the dam war? Even if effective, how could that even be anticipated at Rika's birth? A rival for the attention didn't want Rika to steal it? Then why didn't her parents say they had a missing child? Perhaps Rika's mother was the one who really hid her daughter away to keep the attention to herself. Was she a looper as well?

But she really didn't seem like the type, especially not in this peaceful world without a hint of Hinamizawa Syndrome. Though they didn't have the perfect relationship, Rika was beloved by her parents, the same as everyone else loved and cherished the sweet reincarnation of their deity. It was a reality Satoko didn't experience at all, but one she participated in as a person who also loved Rika. No, the mother wouldn't lock her beloved child away.

Accepting that conclusion was terrifying. If it was true, where was Rika? Did she truly not exist? Satoko had already gone over and over the events of the last fragment they had been together. Rika had been dead, wasn't that correct? But maybe not. Satoko had reset and reset since, no world with Rika appearing. A gunshot wasn't enough to kill someone straight away sometimes. Then Satoko had been too eager to turn the weapon back on herself. Why hadn't she been more careful? She ought to have checked thoroughly. Or maybe Rika really had been dead. That had seemed to be the fact at the time, so maybe this series of endless fragments was the result of some other kind of hiccup with her powers.

In any case, staying in the fragment where Rika's own mother claimed she wasn't was pointless. Satoko promptly took the steps to leave. Would the next fragment be more of the same?

Though there were supposed to be endless possibilities, the fragments where Rika couldn't be found were one of three types: the 'happy' ones where Satoko's beloved town would be wiped off the map, the ones where the dam war had existed, Satoko lived with her aunt, uncle, and brother, where any number of typical scenarios from Rika's fragments might play out, and the ones where Satoshi had apparently carried out his crime and was nowhere to be found, Satoko being sent away from Hinamizawa to a large foster home.

The last option was pushed for a while when Eua got bored and interfered. She wanted Satoko to interact with new, more interesting characters, and forget about Rika. Upon being asked where Rika was and if she could be found one day, the entity had just shrugged. Eua only demanded entertainment, which Satoko provided by her inhuman actions when trying to escape. Even so, she remained in that annoying foster care loop, only briefly being able to escape to look for Rika, if at all. So Satoko took another approach, being careful to be as polite as possible to everyone there before 'accidentally' dying in various contrived ways.

Eventually, the powerful entity grew bored, and Satoko was able to return to Hinamizawa. Rena had apparently been suffering from Hinamizawa Syndrome at the time, but she wasn't likely to be helpful in finding Rika, so Satoko ignored the situation while trying to sniff out her missing companion. There was nothing in the records she'd stolen indicating Rika's existence. Irie clinic didn't exist, though Hinamizawa Syndrome certainly did, so Rika couldn't be hidden away there. In previous fragments it had existed, but even then, Satoko couldn't find any sign of Rika within.

After who knew how many fragments more, she'd found herself back in another unfamiliar place - yet another foster home, this one different, even farther away from her home. "Does it really amuse you that much to watch me here?" Satoko muttered.

When the older children came trying to bully her, it was plain to see what kind of place this was - what kind of 'Satoko' she had been. Looking down upon people even more miserable than them was a way of life for the other children in the home. Being quite miserable in themselves, some people might pity and show understanding, but these people weren't who the looper wanted to see. They were going to be in for quite the surprise at how the victim that previously only cried to be saved was about to retaliate.

After she'd taken out her frustration, and then realized she was caught again in a loop away from her goals, Satoko had been forced to concentrate on how to best make her experience there as boring as possible for any viewer. How tedious it had been, especially since this group was even more horrid than the last Satoko had been around. Eventually, she'd woken up in her room in the Houjou household, sighing in relief. She even relaxed, pulling the covers back over herself.

"Satoko," Satoshi called from the other side of the door.

Satoko smiled to herself, still staying in place. Of course, he was there as well, as he usually was when she woke up here. But not only that, his voice seemed relaxed. It seemed this was a more peaceful Hinamizawa, probably one about to be sunk. These seemed unlikely to have Rika in them, but she'd take it as a lull.

The door eventually creaked open. Satoshi couldn't see his sister, not with her completely under the covers. As he pulled it down, Satoko sat up and gave a sudden shout. Even though she hadn't put that much energy into it, her brother jumped up and stepped back. Satoko laughed in return. "You shouldn't be so skittish," she teased.

Satoshi just gave her a warm smile, patting her head. "Now it's time to get up... Not for tricks, okay?" he said.

"I just thought I'd stay asleep all day today," Satoko said. She supposed she seemed like a brat, but that had been an honest consideration.

"Oh no... Are you sick?" Satoshi asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Not really," Satoko said.

"Well, um, don't do that. Mom would be so sad... And you'd miss out on everything at school. And also, um, that doesn't seem fun at all."

Satoko giggled. He was always so patient, even when it seemed that she was trying to make him angry. But he was right in that her plan wasn't very interesting. Satoko threw off her covers and stood up.

"Alright! You're a little late, but we'll make it. Do you need any help?"

"What are you saying?" Satoko asked, a hand on her hip. "I'm becoming an adult! If you want to walk with me, fine, just go wait." Had she really been so dependant she needed someone to help her get ready for school at this age?

"Of course. Satoko's been taking care of herself more and more." Satoshi again seemed pleased, even being given a tongue lashing. "Yes, please, walk to school with me. I'll wait."

Alone, the fact this fragment was already a dead end couldn't be ignored. Satoshi seemed like a sacrifice she'd always have to make if she wanted Rika in her life. Even loving him, she was willing to make it. But in this moment, she didn't want to keep him waiting too long. Satoko got dressed and made herself presentable, saying good-bye to her mother before grabbing her bag and joining Satoshi outside.

It had been a while since she'd been able to talk and joke with him. They did so on the way into school. Even not knowing the full context of this fragment yet, it was easy enough to comment on generic things around them and laugh at her brother's reaction before they eventually got to school. Satoko then went into autopilot, taking off her shoes and heading down the hall into the classroom, going straight for her usual spot.

Where another girl sat. Satoko stood numbly for a moment. "Houjou-san?" Chie spoke up as Satoshi walked in behind her. "Please take a seat."

The entire small class looked at them. Each face was recognizable, but none of them were Rika. Being in Hinamizawa, not being in Hinamizawa, did it really make a difference? Perhaps Rika would just never exist again. Oyashiro-sama's reincarnation couldn't be willed into existence any more than any other fictional entity.

Satoko let out a sob before she realized it. Everyone's expression changed from bored to concerned, but she couldn't be bothered to care. "I've had enough of this! It's enough!" Satoko kicked the desk she was expected to sit at, the one in front of Satoshi's, someone other than Rika next to her. "This is all useless!" she shouted. There was no point in staying here. She'd just have to find the easiest way to do so.

Leaving the classroom with that in mind, Satoko ended up breaking down after changing into her shoes instead. Taking a few steps outside, she walked slower, unable to stop the tears from falling.

"Satoko!"

Satoko turned around as Satoshi grabbed her shoulder. She wiped her eyes, frowning in an attempt to make anger her dominant emotion. "What is it?" she asked.

"What... What's wrong?" Satoshi asked.

This time his patience was annoying. "I don't need your help," she said. "There's nothing so wrong that I can't take care of it myself."

"But..." Satoshi frowned. "Can't you tell me? Please?"

His pathetic expression was enough that she wanted to placate him. Of course, even if he wanted to, he couldn't help her. That power was all her own. Even so, Satoko ended up sitting with him in front of the forest service building, sighing. "I've lost what's most important to me," she said. "I don't think it's something that can ever be found again. Possibly not even if I search for infinity."

"I'll help," Satoshi promised. "What does it look like?"

"It's kind of you to offer, but you won't be successful. What I'm looking for no longer exists in this world."

"It broke?" Satoshi said.

"Something worse than that," Satoko said.

"What? How?"

How could she explain it to him? Satoko decided to try. "I had a cute princess in my life," she began. "Her presence was truly a sparkling light. Nothing else is better. But now, I go to her castle, and it's like she was never there."

"Oh." Satoshi's expression lightened. He patted her head and smiled. "It's your friend who moved already?" Satoko didn't reply. If she was expected to care so much about her friend in this world, all the better they had already moved. "It's alright, Satoko. You'll make more friends."

"What would you know!" Satoko shouted as she stood up. "Everyone loves you. Aunt and Uncle got along with you right away. I was the only one who messed it up. Our classmates all love you, too. Shion-san even fell in love at first sight. That's not how it works for me!" she continued to yell, even knowing those events likely hadn't occurred here. Seeing her brother shudder and move away, she regretted being so harsh, but not enough to not continue with the important message to the ignorant person. "I was lucky to have one person, my perfect person. Now, I don't have her at all, she doesn't exist! I might as well not exist either!"

Satoko turned, ready to storm off and see how the next fragment might fare. But Satoshi held her arm tightly. "Onii-san, kindly unhand me," Satoko requested calmly. "No one here likes me as much, so I'll be leaving the stage."

"Please don't go, Satoko," Satoshi requested meekly. "I like you. I'll miss you, so please."

What he said didn't fit the unknown context of Satoko's message, but it was close enough. Satoko turned and hugged him. Could she really leave Satoshi, even if it was just one Satoshi of the many she'd seen in recent years, to be sad and miss her? She'd missed him so badly before, how could she pass that pain on to him, especially with him requesting so kindly?

It might be alright for her to stay for a while. Perhaps a kinder exit point could be found along the way. Satoko went back to class like nothing had happened. Then, she stayed the next day, and so on, until years went by.