During all that year I thought that he was in love with me. But, for some reason that I'll never be able to explain, there was something different in our relationship. Maybe differences, personal problems, I don't know. He always was the cerebral type and I, the emotional one. And then he went to Africa without telling me. He came back, but it no longer was the same. Then he headed back to Africa and met Kem. But he didn't know he had left a life growing inside of me. At first, I didn't want to take the idea of being a mother and to be 'stuck' on him forever. But, when Emma was born, I changed. I discovered that I loved that child more than anything, even she's being his daughter. And, since that day, I promised to myself that I'd never tell her who was her father. To her best, and mine too. I couldn't handle having to share my daughter with someone that I loved – and hated – for so long.
It was when he came back from Africa. They had taken a break. They just have lost a son. Knowing he thought he wouldn't be able to be a father again touched me. He didn't know he was already a father. But, I was determined to not tell her – and him – that they were father and daughter. I knew I couldn't avoid them to see each other. So, I had to make up something.
"I'm sorry for your son"
"Don't be. It wasn't mean to be"
"You know, you can count on me" – I said, although I didn't mean for real.
"Thanks. I… knew that you had a daughter. Congratulations"
At that moment I realized I had to do something, since I didn't want to tell the truth.
"Yeah. Her name is Emma. She's two years"
"I bet she's beautiful. And her father?"
I had to make up an excuse quickly.
"Oh… he doesn't know about her. Actually, he'd gone away before he knew I was pregnant"
"I'm sorry"
"It's ok. Would you like to meet her?"
"Yeah, can I?"
"Sure. Now?"
"Ok"
Then we headed to my house in his jeep. Suddenly I realized what I was doing. I was ceding, but it was too late.
"Emma, mommy's home. Come here. There's someone that wants to know you"
She quickly went downstairs, curious to know how it was.
"Honey, this is John Carter"
"Hi, nice to meet you"
She hid behind me.
"I'm sorry, she's scared. It's ok, sweetheart. He's just a mommy's friend"
"Hi" – she said shyly – "Are you the guy from Africa?"
"Yes, he is. Sorry about that"
"No problem"
"Mommy has to go now. I'll be back later"
"Bye" – she kissed my cheek.
"Your daughter is beautiful. It's a shame that the father doesn't even care"
"Yeah, but it's better this way. He was just a thing from the past. Doesn't mean anything to me anymore"
I want so bad to tell her that Kem and me aren't together anymore. Tell her that because of her I'm back to where I shouldn't have left. Tell he that she was the woman I ever loved. Tell her I couldn't stop thinking about her. But, apparently she moved on. That's what I should do. But I don't know if I'll ever be capable. It's too painful. If, at least, Emma were my daughter, it'd be easier.
"All I want is a child to raise, to play with. I miss that"
"You can have that"
"You think? I got Lucy pregnant and she died by being stabbed. Kem lost my child. I don't know if I'd be a good father"
"Sure you would. It's just a phase. It'll go away soon"
"I hope so"
My opinions changed a little. But I was still determined to not to tell. Who knows what he will want to do about it. And we stayed there, talking.