Chapter 6: Making Choices
I opened the door and saw John.
"You're back?"
"I'm back" – he noticed my face – "Aren't you happy in seeing me?"
"…"
"Abby?"
"No, no… I mean, yes. I just… thought you'd stay longer"
"I didn't actually go to Congo two days ago"
"What?"
"I was in my house"
"I'm sorry? I can't believe this"
"…"
"You lied to me!"
"I? You lied to me too"
"What? When? What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about"
"I don't. I want you to go"
"What? No!"
"Go!"
"No!"
"Carter!" – I pulled him outside
"I told you I won't! I love you!" – he said, getting it again
"Stop teasing me! You don't love me!"
"Yes, I do!"
"No, you don't! You left. You're the one who ended everything!"
"Yes, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you!"
"You didn't even consider my feelings! You screwed up! It's too late now"
"Abby, please"
"No!"
"I'm sorry" – he sat down with his head in his hands
"Well, that's not enough!" – I looked down
There was a mix of feelings inside me. I didn't know if I was at him because he lied or upset for being in love with him again
"Please go" – I said, calmly
"What?"
"Please. Just… go"
"Ok"
"No!"
We both looked to the stairs and saw Emma. She was crying
"Mommy, why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?" – I picked her up
"Asking him to go"
"It's the best for everyone" – I put her down – "Go to your room, mommy's coming. I need to solve some things"
"I wanna stay"
"Emma, now! Stop being so spoiled!"
She went upstairs and I looked up to see if she really had gone. Then, I turned to face Carter
"I think we need to talk"
"Yeah, I guess"
"C'mon. Let's go the kitchen. Coffee and pie?"
"Sure"
I put the plate and the glass and then I sat in front of him
"So, I think you already know the truth"
"Yeah, but why didn't you tell me?"
"I told you it was something stupid. Because I knew you'd stay if you knew. I didn't want you to feel bad because of her. And because of me too"
"I didn't know that" – He grabbed my hands – "How stupid I was! I never should have left. I thought about how I let you down, how you must have felt when I showed up with Kem. I just want to forget all of this and all the pain we made each other go through. I want to find a way to make it work. But it's too late"
"You know, it's not"
"What?"
I looked away
"I need to think. I'm not sure if this is what I really want"
"Fair enough"
"It's not"
"What?"
"I'm in love with you Carter. I've always been. But I still can't forgive you. It's just too damn hard for me to let it go"
"I know that. But I regretted. I thought you'd give me a chance"
"I want to"
"Then let me do the first thing"
He leaned over and kissed me. He pulled back.
"I promise I can and will make you happy"
"I know. Promise me we won't be apart"
"We won't. I won't let you go. I love you"
He leaned over again and kissed me passionately
"Can we… take it slow? I mean, I want to be sure that this is for real"
"It is. But if this what you wanna do, that's what we will do"
"Thank you"
"Ok… I have to go now"
I went with him to the door and we went outside
"So, see you tomorrow"
"Yeah" – I looked down
"You don't need to worry. We're gonna be fine"
He lifted my face, looked deeply in my eyes and washed away the tears that fell from them.
"I still can't believe. It seems like a dream. And I don't wanna wake up"
"We don't need to"
Before I could answer, I felt my lips touching his. And, before I realized, I found myself kissing him
"Tell Emma I love her"
"Wanna stay here tonight? I mean, Emma would love it"
"Better not. I'll come around in the morning"
"Ok. See you then"
I entered and closed the door. Then I looked through the window and watched him still looking at the door and leaving. Then I took a bottle of vine and started drinking. I don't know why. Maybe because I was feeling bad about this situation. But it was nice. I haven't felt like this a long time ago. Then I took some Vicodins and swallowed them with the wine. And I began to feel dizzy and I slept on the floor.
A few hours later, in the morning…
"Abby, if you're home open the door. Abby? Abby?" – He began to try to open the door
"What happened?"
"Hey Carol. I called, but nobody came. Something must have happened. Go fast, open it!"
"Take it easy! I can't find the key"
"What? Ok, I'll break the door"
They finally get in and found me on the floor
"Oh my God!" – he kneeled next to me
"I'll go take a look on Emma"
Abby! I thought you had stopped
He takes me to the ER
"Susan, Luka, I need some help"
"What happened?"
"Abby had an overdose"
"What? An overdose? Why didn't you stop her?"
"I didn't know. I just saw her now. She must have drunk at night"
"Right. Finding excuses again"
"What?"
"C'mon! Don't try to fool me"
"I'm not"
"So, you expect me to believe this?"
"Yes" – He looks at her – "You know what? Don't believe if you don't want. Just… make her feel better"
"I'll try. Not for you, for her"
Carter stops in front of the elevator and sees her going upstairs with Abby. Some hours later, Susan goes downstairs again.
"How's she?"
"She's stable now. She took Vicodins with the wine. We had to put a tube and operate her"
"…"
"Carter, you're just screwing all that she took two years to get over. All that she took two years to forget"
"It wasn't easy for me either"
"Sure it was! You weren't brave enough to break up with her in person and you showed up with a pregnant woman!" – She screamed
"Ok, stop it! You're pissing me off!" – He got up
"Great! That's what I want! I just want the best for her"
"Then let her decide what she wants"
"Fine. Ruin her life again! Date her and then go back to Africa" – She screamed, walking away – "And don't forget to show up with Kem pregnant!"
Carter put his head in his hands. He knew Susan was right.
Maybe Susan is right. Maybe I should go back to Africa and leave Abby's life forever, but I can't stay away from her. She was always there for me, always by my side. I feel good next to her. I don't wanna leave
He went to my room to talk to me
"Hey"
"Hey"
"How are you feeling?"
"A little better" – I looked away – "I'm sorry"
"Don't be. I'm the one who should. I… should never have come. I'm going back"
"What?"
"To Africa. It's better for both of us"
Tears fell from my eyes
"Oh…ok. If that's what you want, I won't stop you"
"Abby… I don't wanna go. I don't wanna give up the perfect life I had and threw away again"
"You don't need to. Stay"
"Susan thinks I should go"
"And you listen to her?"
"…"
"Ok. I always knew that she was the one you loved. She's the one you love. It's ok, I understand. Here" – I took the ring off my finger – "This is yours. You should give it to her, before it's too late"
He took the ring, reluctant
"I don't understand why you didn't propose to her yet"
"I was trying to figure out where we were. Africa is really dangerous and I missed here. I missed taking care of patients. I missed you"
"…"
"I… couldn't. I dreamed with my future family and you were the mother. That's when I realized that I was fooling myself out all this time. It's always been you"
He hugged me and tears began to fall from my eyes. Tears of joy or sadness, I don't know. Susan was at the door, crying too. He looked to me.
"Why you came back to this?"
"To what?"
"To drinking"
"Oh… I don't know"
Carter's leaving the ER and Abby follows him.
"Hey"
"Hey"
"I thought you were on until seven"
"Deb's covering the shift change. I'll call you later"
"Ok. Hey. I'm not really sure why we're not talking about this"
"Can't this wait till we both out duty?"
"Who's angry with who?"
"I'm not angry"
"Ok, and I never lied to you"
"Well, I guess I must have talked myself into this"
"Then let's figure it out"
"No, I agreed not to rescue you, or help you, or fix you, so I'm just gonna shut up and wait for the car wreck"
They make their way to the El station. Carter has his pass and puts it through. When it comes out, she grabs it and puts it through again.
"Wait a minute. What is that supposed to mean?"
"Abby, we both know where this is going"
"No, I don't. And you know, everything would have been fine if you'd just come to me in the first place"
"Then I'm the overprotective boyfriend"
"I'm not drinking to get drunk. I'm hardly drink at all"
"Good night"
"Ok, wait. Do you wanna know how much I have been drinking? Last night I had two beers. Yesterday I had a cosmo. Last week I had nothing. The week before that I had a beer and a pink drink. I didn't even know what it was"
"You're keeping very close track"
"Yeah, because it's under control"
"Well, I just don't understand why you want to go back to that"
"I was drinking last year, you knew that"
They're walking upstairs.
"It was a little different then"
"Yeah, now it's not about being scared and alone"
"It's still drinking"
"Look. Look. Wait. I used to drink because I was miserable. I was in a lousy marriage. I had a life I didn't want and now I'm happy… with you. Things are good. And being able to have a casual drinking with my friends just makes me feel I'm past the bad part"
"Ok"
"You know, maybe… maybe I just have a little bit more faith in me than you do"
"Oh, that's how you transcend my concern? Not having faith?"
"I don't know. Yeah. Carter"
"Yeah, let's not do this"
"All right. Look. I'm a pro at walking away. I've done it a million times and I'm asking you please don't do this. Stay here and talk to me. Please… please"
The train arrives and when it's gone, Abby's standing alone, leaning against a pole and walks away. Later, Abby is walking up the stairs to her apartment building. She's about to open the door when Carter walks around the corner.
"You should have your keys already out"
She turns around.
"You never know who might be lurking" – He walks in – " Look, the drinking… the drinking is the drinking. You know where I stand on that. It's just… how far are we going if we keeping hiding from each other?"
"I won't hide anymore"
They walk to each other.
"I didn't mean to leave like that. It's just seemed kinda complicated and I wanted a little time to figure out where we were"
"Here we are"
"I think that… it felt good. It felt right"
"Did you drink when you were pregnant?"
I looked at him and bit my lips
"I can't believe this!"
"Hey! You're the one who provoked that!"
"I? You know that I wouldn't have gone if you had told me you were pregnant!"
"Yeah, because I didn't want you to stay for me and for that"
"You're talking like it's something stupid"
"But it is"
"No, it's not! It's a life, Abby! A child that came into this world!"
"I know that!"
"You know what? I don't wanna deal with this right now"
And he leaves, slamming the door.