Disclaimer: I own the llama and the crazy chick that smacks everything. But...that's about it.

Ka-Smack of Angst

By: CocoaSamurai45

Jack could feel the salad dressing he'd just guzzled start to come up again. It was as if the salad dressing wanted revenge for something...

---Strange Random Flashback---

"'S not very nice to just spring this on someone, darling," Jack Sparrow said to one of his many admirers.

SMACK!

"Well...I just don't see why you would do such a horrible thing. Y'know I can't remain a captain and care for that at the same time. And I just got the Black Pearl back..."

KA-SMACK, SMACK, SMACK!

"Jack Sparrow! This is yours! And you're going to tell me a stupid...boat is more important to you?" Philamina spun on her heel and stalked away from (Captain) Jack Sparrow and his sorry excuses.

"BOAT! The nerve of that-that- woman! It's just a llama for crying out loud! Not like it's some kid that will later go on to inspire fanfiction for crazed fangirls to write."

He watched as Philamina stomped away, smacking away things in her path and many things that were just innocently standing there thinking mundane and slightly happy thoughts.

The llama that Philamina intrusted him looked at him distrustfully. Jack frowned. What the heck was he going to do with a llama, eat it?

Llamas weren't dangerous, particularly nasty, or piratey. So how would this strange creature fit in his crew then?

Jack sighed. The llama was his. He'd stolen it from a guy he didn't particularly like and then given it to Philamina to "care" for it. He'd thought about it once or twice when he and his crew were down to the last of the leather shoes but that was the extent of it.

He really hadn't expected it to last this long as the people of Tortuga weren't very choosy where their food came from. Llamas were few and far between since the Great War. The Great War had totally demolished the paltry population of wild llamas that roamed the Caribbean.

That gave him an idea...

5 seconds later...

"Llama for SALE! Super rare and...in really good shape! Perfect for baking, roasting, or riding. You can even use it as a table!" Jack was going to sell it.

Jacks dark eyes glinted in the lamplight as people gathered to see the rare and exotic llama.

"Now for the low, low price lots of gold, you can have this exquisite beast! It carries stuff, sleeps, poops, and you can even...well, lots of things!"

"Can it sing the Pina colada song?" A very skinny man in front asked. Jack stared at him for a moment.

Then, finding his brain again (which was partying with his lungs somewhere south of Washington) he waved his hand in a dismissive gesture and said, "All llamas can sing! This one is special."

People "ooh"ed and "ah"ed at this bit of information.

"Can it huuuuug?" A giant purple dinosaur in the audience queried.

Jack ran. Screw the llama and screw the gold! Purple dinosaurs really creeped him out.

Soon Jack was in front of a giant establishment. He searched high and low for some sort of sign so he could learn the name but couldn't locate one.

"Hmm. This is very...interesting."

"But you didn't tell me, silly! Can the llama huuuuug?" Jack heard the voice of the dinosaur just behind him.

Jack screamed and ran into the mysterious building.

And ran straight into a giant bowl of potato salad. The door to the building closed shut on the giant purple dino and Jack was left alone to look at the giant bowl of potato salad. Odd things seemed to be happening a lot nowadays.

"'S not what I was expecting...Thought this place would at least have one bottle of the stuff." Jack stepped around the giant bowl and looked around. It was pretty empty of everything. No chairs or stairs, tables...rum.

Jack stepped forward only to trip on something. Scrambling to his feet he looked down. There on the ground was a bottle of salad dressing. Strange.

He stepped over the bottle and toward the door. He tried with every ounce of strength in his sinewy, shiny, well-toned muscles but the door wouldn't budge.

Feeling a reasonable surge of anger he took it out on the first thing that he could reach: the bottle of salad dressing.

Just as he began pinching the bottle the door swung open. He shrieked with happiness and tossed the bottle away.

What Johnny-er-Jack didn't know was that a bottle, once thrown away by an eccentric pirate is sucked into an alternate universe.

The alternate universe the salad dressing went to? Only the most horrible, itchy, detestable, and blue of all alternate universes!

Steve.

And so the salad dressing battled day and night trying to find a way out of the detestable, itchy, blue universe he'd been thrown and/or sucked into.

---End of Strange Random Flashback---

"So tha's why I'm feelin' green around the gills..." And the fangirls with puppets proceeded to tackled Jack and force feed him Pepto-Bismol.

Jack swore once and for all that he would escape the crazed fangirls with puppets. Even if he had to be eaten by a kraken to do it.

A giantfloodoccurs as his fangirls weep at the thought of his hotness being ingested.

OooOoooOoOoOOoOoooO

A/N

I looked up bribery in the dictionary. And beside it was Jack's face so I guess I'm doing something wrong.

I'm glad that ppl like my strange, weird, crazy, and totally bizarre story.

The reviews must stop though. (I'm using reverse psychology to get you to review. Is it working?)