READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!

Disclaimer:I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist cuz it belongs to...what's his name? Whatever, it belongs to him and I don't own PotC cuz it belongs to that rat-er-mouse.

NOTE(S): No Edward Elrics were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Alright...perhaps one, but that's all. I refuse to edit because I feel it takes away the oompsfaa of my story. Anything that makes this story clearer shall not be used.

WARNING: Insanity and mildly unkind language ahead. Please reconsider reading this in favor of something more savory or at least a tad more sane.

WARNING#2: Mexicans, lesbians, small people, gay persons, and a transvestite are in this fanfic. I am not gay-bashing or any kind of bashing. People request therefore I do. Don't be angry at the portrayals of any of these characters because this is all merely humor. No harm intended. BEWARE. LAST WARNING: Strange formatting ahead. Interviews and other strange ways of writing dialogue included in that statement.

Angsty Midgets of Doom

By CocoaSamurai45

"I told everyone I would be back looking badass so don't go looking all suuuuuprrrrrrised," drawled the man with a large forehead from an earlier- and much more understandable- chapter.

Of course, you allout there in thereal world replyas though you know what he is talking about. Noone really knows what he is talking about so everyone checks earlier chapters. Yep, there he is, saying he'll come back looking badass and evil. (A/N I'll bring him in, don't worry)

Will's Slightly Disturbing, Great Adventure

"I want a squishy," Will Turner says intelligently to a flagpole while Elizabeth is being eaten by wild parakeets.

"Now, which one of you...highly evolved...things...want to join my crew to raid, pillage, and plunder?"

"Uh, I guess I'll join. I'll be the normal, slightly sarcastic member of your swashbuckling crew," said one NORMAL looking guy wearing jeans and a t-shirt and slurping a soda. Jack nodded uncertainly, feeling the incredible urge to do the polka. He squashed the urge and moved on to another table that was not so normal looking.

"Any one of you not-so-normal-looking guys want to join my currently not-so-able-bodied crew?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING TOO SHORT TO BE PART OF YOUR CREW SO IT'S NOT SO ABLE-BODIED!" Roared a hyper Edward Elric (that I do not own). Jack took a surprised step back and collided with one of the most horrendous looking creatures he'd ever had the misfortune of laying eyes upon.

"Chuga chuga, baby!"said the horrendous looking creature Jack had ever had the misfortune to lay eyes upon. Jack promptly screamed in fright and hit it with a hammer.

The thing in question had a pink afro, funky disco clothing, a fetish for toy trains, and liked to sing opera. Since the only mind reader Jack could think of was distraught...in jail, Jack had no way of knowing the man-thing had a fetish for toy trains and liked to sing opera so he didn't know that. What Jack did know was that looking like the 70s personified wasn't normal.

The figure after laying prone for a few minutesgot up and did the Hustle.

"Looking like that ain't normal," said a giant lobster at the bar.

"Right you are," said an equally giant boomerang with gills and a pet hatchet named Boom Boom. Jack felt the strong urge to get out of this pink, shoe lacy place.

Suddenly three Mexicans showed up. Jack immediately accosted them.

"I MUST have you in my crew. You guys are Mexican and you also seem as ataxic as I am. Always a good combination in my (at the moment), inebriated opinion. Whoa, I know a lot of big words!" the Mexicans looked at Jack questioningly then proceeded to laugh uproariously at his inebriated expense.

"You are the drunk pirate recruiting anything within a 3 mile radius?"

"I'm not drunk, I'm inebriated... very thoroughly so," said Jack, tipping to the side. "And I am not recruiting things. People only." Jack glared at the plant that had been following him around.

"Is that so? Well I'm Ben. This is Hector," Ben gestured to a fairly attractive man who was striking a pose, " and this here is Glucosencoffsleiderhosen the 3rd," he made a sweeping bow to a skinny little guy with no hair and beady eyes.

"Er, uh, Glooseycoughmeisterhuffdaddy...?" Jack attempted, then, "Um, does he have a nickname?"

"Yes-a, my nick-a name is Jane," the skinny lad said in a deep booming voice. Jack jumped in surprise, a slightly forced smile on his face. "Jane. Well...that's a fine name that is! Welcome to the team fellas!" Jack made a hasty retreat to the bar to down more rum before going to another table.

THE INTERVIEW SECTION:

Table #3

Capt. J. Sparrow: "Hello, gents and half-lasses! I'd like to introduce meself but you seem like the stalker type."

Transvestite: "Uh..."

Lesbian#1: I HATE YOU AND YOUR DAMN MALE PRIDE! I WANNA DIET SODA!

Lesbian#2: ALL PONIES MUST DIE! We're in anger MANAGEMENT! Censor MANAGEMENT!

Transvestite: "I look pretty."

Capt. J. Sparrow: "Good! You can start on Monday. Good day!" -runs for dear life-

Table #4

Capt. J. Sparrow: "Hello...fabulously dressed gay individual."

Blatantlygay person: "You are so cute. What are you doin' over here, honey?"

Capt. J. Sparrow: -flattered- Well, I was just thinking of recruiting you. Do you really think I'm cute? (A/N Who doesn't?)

Apparently a gay person who likes Jack: "Who doesn't? Anyway, my name is Lorenzo, but you can call me Sweet. And I'd be honored to join your crew...Captain."

Capt. J. Sparrow: Well, if you like, I can buy some drinks and we can talk about this a little more..."

Lorenzo: "Sorry, I'm not that kind of guy."

Capt. J. Sparrow: "Oh."

END OF INTERVIEWS

NOW WE GO BACK TO SEE WHAT THE FANGIRLS HAVE BEEN UP TO!

Fangirl#1: Are we done thinking?

Fangirl#2: I dunno.

Fangirl#1: ...Johnny Depp is hot.

Fangirl#2: Why have we reentered the story when, really, we haven't anything to do with it or anything else.

Fangirl#1: But we have puppets.

Fangirl#2: ...Can we go now, author person?

Author Person: Sure.

Johnny Depp: Can I have the puppet before you leave? It's really lifelike.

Fangirls: NO! Johnny Depp is ours and you can't have him.

Johnny Depp: But I am Johnny Depp.

Fangirls: You don't look anything like him. The face is totally different.

Johnny Depp: Can I still have the puppet?

Fangirls: We'll give you 'NASCAR Jack' if you don't touch us cuz you're not Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp: Deal. And I'll trade you my 'Pregnant Jack' for a 'Supermodel Jack'.

End of Fangirl section b/c it was getting quite tiring trying to keep the puppets away from Mr. Depp.

"You can join the crew too, just don't ever look at me again," said a blindfolded Jack. He was thoroughly afraid that if he looked at Mr. Beckett again his funkiness would blind him for all eternity.

"And Mr. Elric...you can join too. Just. Stop. Stealing. My. Hat." Edward Elric sent Jack a dirty look before handing it back. He'd looked dead sexy in that hat. Rubbed in grease, he'd be the perfect male midget stripper.

Mr. Elric hit the authoress on the head with a perfectly good rubber ducky and took off for Jack's esteemed shet.

"Mister...what's your name?"

"Normal."

"Ah, Normal. That's...interesting. Well, Mr. Boring, go make sure that midget doesn't drive off with my shet."

"Okay, but I don't really think he's going to listen to me..."

"Whatever, just go!" Jack kicked Mr.Normal and proceeded toward the bar to drown himself in cheese crackers. Rum does only half the work after all.

OoOoOoOOOooOoO

A/N

Sorry for all the stuff up top. This story was a blast to write though. I tried to make it not so chaotic but this is how it turned out. Lather, rinse, and repeat if you feel oncoming nausea or tension headache. Have a nice day.