Chapter 21: Sadness

"I'm sorry"

John sat down and grabbed my hand. His eyes filled with water.

"At least… at least she's ok, right?"

"Yes" – Susan put her hand on his shoulder – "I'll leave you alone with her"

She left the room and watched him through the window before leaving. He gently squeezed my hand and caressed my face with the back of his hand. Tears continually fells from his eyes.

"Abby… you might not hear me and it's easier this way" – He sighed – "I love you. I love you. So much. But you already know it" – He laughed dryly and with pain – "And I'm so relieved that you're ok. I don't know what I would do without you. And even we had lost this baby, many others will come. But I don't want to scary you and press you, ok? I'll wait until you're ready. Taking the time you need"

John got up and left the room. Susan was going to check on me.

"Carter"

He turned and Susan stretched her arms. He walked towards her and hugged her and let the tears fall.

"It's ok"

"It's my fault"

"It's not. It'd have happened anyway"

"Yeah, I guess"

"Don't blame yourself. And now it's going to be easier to get over it" – She thought about what she had just said – "Sorry"

John smiled.

"Thank you"

"Anytime"

They stare at each other for a moment.

"Well… I guess I'll go check on Abby"

Susan walks into the room.

"Hey, how are you?"

"A little confused"

"It's normal"

"So… did I really miscarry my son?"

"Yes, I'm sorry"

I bit my lip and my eyes watered up.

"Carter was here until now. I found him in the hall. He couldn't stop crying. He was very sad"

"I bet he still is" – I held my breath for a moment – "I told you… I wanted to abort it. But… I wouldn't be brave enough"

"I know you wouldn't"

I wiped away the tears from my face and Susan felt a pain on her heart.

"Want me to call him?"

I just shook my head.

"Ok, I'll call him"

Susan gets up and leaves the room. She saw him sleeping on the couch.

"Carter" – She shook him gently – "Carter. Wake up"

"Ahn?" – He rubbed his eyes, half sleepy.

"Abby wants to see you"

He stood up.

"Ok, thanks"

"I'll be in the ER if you need me"

"Thank you"

John headed to the room and slowly opened the door.

"Can I come in?"

"Yes"

"Wanted to see me?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I didn't see the ambulance. I swear. I'm sorry"

Tears fell from my eyes and his own were watered up. He walked towards me, sat down and grabbed me hand.

"Honey, it's ok. It's not your fault. It's something we can't avoid"

"I already loved him, you know? I loved him"

"I know"

Tears didn't stop falling from my eyes and I was already sobering. He got up and hugged me.

"I know, my love. But it's ok. I'm here"

I put my arms around him and the both of us cried, each one on the other's shoulder. He pulled away from me and walked to where the baby was.

"He is so beautiful"

He bit his lip to stop the tears from falling.

"You should hold him"

I got up and walked to him. I caressed the baby's face before picking him up. I cried looking at him and John put his arm around my waist and I placed my head on his shoulder. He placed his own on mine and we cried.