AN: There are direct quotes from CoE-Day 4 in this chapter. The dialogue is used to further the story. No copyright infringement is intended.

Torchwood: Divergence
Book Two: Adferiad

Chapter 5

They'd responded to a report of a Weevil menacing workers along the Docks in the late afternoon, but that was pretty much it for the day after the nasty surprise in the morning. Martha had knocked off early for the monthly UNIT meeting, missing the modelling of Ianto's new coat around 6:30 pm. It was a heavy black wool thing, lined in charcoal grey silk with a thin flexible layer of something like Kevlar between the two fabrics, and basically an unadorned version of Jack's old RAF great coat. The salesman at the shop Lois had recommended, had explained that he had a small, finite stock of them from an old warehouse that was shutting down outside of London. The coats had originally been crafted in 1941 for an unspecified branch of the military, but never put into use because the original cores of thin milled lead sheeting was too stiff and heavy. They'd been pulled from carefully maintained cedar storage to be reworked with the experimental Kevlar replacement in the early 1980's, but then vacuum sealed and warehoused as "too retro" for modern military use. The storage facility had been declassified and made civilian property a year ago, and now that such things were popular with the public, the shop had been doing fairly well with sales though most buyers wanted them augmented with fashionable buttons or insignias. Since Ianto had entered the place wearing one of his partner's fully embellished antiques, the man had pegged him as a likely mark for the undecorated version with a choice of pewter bas-relief crown and eagle or anchor and rope buttons, or plain black ceramic ones. He'd been a little disappointed that the young Welshman had preferred it as is, without added epaulettes, patches, or badges, but a sale was a sale. And Ianto did look good in it… once he and Jack had scanned it in every way possible to be sure it wasn't hiding military spyware or otherwise contaminated in any fashion.

The pair had been stepping out for dinner when the coat had been unveiled, both clearly needing a break from Torchwood related matters. They'd made it back around 9:00, Turlough having departed a half hour before with Lois on his heels, and Gwen simply waiting for the two Hub residents' return. She'd stayed a bit to hear about the apparently drunken but highly amusing waiter they'd had at the Greek themed restaurant they'd gone to near Roath, enjoying the bit of Baclava they'd brought back for her, then prepared to head home. Harkness had been in the Autopsy Lab looking for who knew what when she'd gotten ready to leave, calling for his partner to come help him search. The younger immortal had bid Cooper a pleasant goodnight, handed he 12 shipping envelope with her name on it, and disappeared into the medical area.

Between the drive home, late evening tea, getting Ebrill bedded down again after a changing, and spending a little cuddling time with Rhys on the settee, the former constable had forgotten that big envelope. But it caught her eye once more when she came downstairs for a bottle of water before crawling into bed, and she took it out to the living room to see what it held.

Gwen settled into the wing chair beside the table with the reading lamp, switched it on, and used the blade of a nearby decorative letter opener to breach the seal on the package. Inside was a fair-sized sheaf of 8 ½ x 11 papers, photo copies of something slightly smaller and hand written. She peered at the first page, recognising Ianto's unique penmanship, and began to read what was on the paper.

" 'I've often used this diary to set down things that happen at work, in the hope that writing it out will help me better understand what occurred or make the memories more bearable somehow'," the raven-haired woman murmured aloud. " 'But this is Torchwood, and it doesn't always make a difference. I doubt this time will be any different, but it's worth a try. These events haunt me, and though they're now a couple of years gone, too often I relive them in my dreams as though they were only yesterday. It's amazing yet horrifically gut wrenching that I can so clearly recall every word, every feeling, every second. It was my own choice to go with Jack to the MI5 building'…"

Cooper stared at the page, her eyes going wide with shock.

"Oh, my God…" she breathed shakily, not realising her husband had come to find her on his way to take the rubbish out to the bins.

"Something from work you forgot?" Williams queried good naturedly, having heard a little of what she'd been reading, but going dead serious when he saw his spouse's expression. "What is it? Something bad? Dangerous?"

"No…" Gwen managed in a whisper, looking up to meet the man's worried gaze. "I… I asked Ianto today about what really happened at Thames House, because the video didn't pick up most of the sound after he fell and Jack won't tell me anything. He told me he couldn't talk about it, that it was too much and could put him into seizures. Promised to tell me later, when it wouldn't hurt him like that."

"What about the papers in your hand?" her husband insisted with a concerned frown. "Why are you looking like that? What's Ianto not talking about dying got to do with it?"

"He copied the pages of his diary, Rhys," Cooper explained, tears welling in her eyes. "He wrote it all down after the Scieron brought him back. He's letting me see inside that day with the 456… but I don't think I can read it."

"You want to know so bad you'd outright ask the poor sod," Rhys sighed in exasperation. "But you can't read what he gave you because you're already crying your eyes out at the very thought of it, yeah?"

His wife nodded, then stared when he turned on the floor lamp by the settee and motioned her over.

"Come on, give us the pages," Williams insisted. "You sit here beside me and I'll read it. Word for word, I promise."

Gwen settled to the cushions and pulled her robe tighter around herself, surrendering the sheaf of papers to her husband.

"Right then," Rhys began, scanning the first page for what he'd heard his wife murmuring just before she'd choked up, and though he was reading the words, it was Ianto's voice that Gwen could hear in her mind.

"'It was my own choice to go with Jack to the MI5 building and confront the 456. I knew the risks, and he hadn't let me stay with him at the Hub when it was destroyed, forced me onto the invisible lift even though I was seconds from disabling the bomb. Whatever happened this time, I wanted, needed to be there beside him. We went into Thames House in the hope of saving the children the governments of the world were willing to cruelly offer up to the alien like blood sacrifices on some medieval stone altar. But we didn't realise until it was too late, that the creature's main weapon was biological and that the only reason it knew the antidote to the new flu strain back in 1965 was because it had introduced it to the planet when it arrived.'

'Refusing to take "no" for an answer to its demands for more children and responding to Jack's assertion that the people of Earth would go to war to stop it, the 456 released an unknown plague virus into the air of Thames House. The building's bio-hazard sensors locked the whole thing down, dooming every soul in the place. It wouldn't produce an anti-virus, its enclosure was bullet proof, and the airlock controls had been frozen by the building sealing. Anyone not able to get to a hazard suit immediately was going to die. Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, grandparents, friends, neighbours, all the innocent office workers… we'd unintentionally brought this disaster upon them, and there was nothing we could do to save them or ourselves.'

'Jack realised the danger only too well, told me we had to find a way to get me out because he could come back from anything… but I couldn't.'

"Too late. I breathed the air."

'I had felt the onset even before we tried to shoot out the enclosure windows. A strange tingling all over my body, inside and out, that quickly became an intense burning as I broke out in a cold sweat. I knew I was dying, and I wasn't so much afraid as angry. I'd only just gotten Jack back and we'd come to a new level of understanding. We hadn't even had a proper reunion, not a single embrace or kiss, let alone anything else… Rhys and his bloody beans. I didn't want to die yet, because I wanted to have more time with Jack. Especially when he knew the truth of my situation and I saw absolute panic in his eyes. I've seen him angry, afraid, uncertain, guilty… lots of dark things in his eyes and expression over the time I've known him. But I'd never seen mind-numbing panic until that moment.'

'I could hear him tyring to reason with the 456, then begging, willing to give it anything it wanted.'

"There's gotta be something. There's gotta be an antidote."

'Its reply was, "You said you would fight."'

'He was so desperate then, "Then I take it back, all right? I take it all back. But not him!"'

'I'd always told myself that I was just another casual shag for Jack, a simple bit of fun between missions, but nothing more in his eyes because dates or not, he hated the idea of being a couple and was terrified of commitment. That what I felt for him, no matter how strong and all consuming, would never be returned. He'd told me after the incident with the dead phoneline, I'd never be just a blip in time to him. But how could I be anything else? Still, hearing Jack begging for my life and my life alone, I wondered if maybe he loved me too, even if it was only a little.'

'I wanted to ask him, tell him what was in my heart before it was too late. But it was so hard to breathe by then and all my muscles were going weak. I remember turning around, falling, and he caught me before I hit the floor, sat there holding me in his arms. I hadn't wanted to cry, wanted to be strong and face the end with dignity, but the tears won out when I saw the misery in his eyes.'

' "It's all my fault." So much regret and guilt in his voice.'

' "No, it's not." My choice, though I'd thought if I died there it would be by Gold Command's order in a hail of bullets.'

' "Don't speak, save your breath." So, he could feel it too then.'

' "I love you." I needed to say it, needed him to know even if I couldn't tell him how much.'

' "Don't…" He didn't want to hear it, because he didn't want to admit that I was dying, that I was leaving him so soon.'

' "Ianto? Ianto? Ianto, stay with me… stay with me, please… stay with me.. stay with me, please." He sounded so scared and lost, his voice breaking as he started to cry too.'

' "Hey… It was good, yeah?" I wished I could explain how incredible our time together had been, how much I wanted it to continue.'

'But it was harder and harder to breathe, the terrible burning inside getting worse and worse.'

' "Yeah." Oh, God… I could see his heart breaking when he said that one word, and it made mine shatter completely.'

'More than ever I flat out did not want to die. I wanted to stay with Jack until I was doddering and grey whether he ever changed or not. I know being part of Torchwood usually means dying young in some horrible way, but I'd dreamed of passing quietly from extreme old age, Jack holding my hand. Now that would never have a chance of happening, and the 456 was so sodding smug in its belief that once we died the world would just meekly bow down to its will, hand over the children to it and its slime spewing, drug-addicted kin.'

' "Don't forget me." If I couldn't be by his side, I desperately hoped he'd at least hold some tiny place for me in his memories, that he'd been serious about the blip comment.'

' "Never could." I think he meant it, but we'd talked before about how much he'd had to forget to stay sane, how hard it was the longer he lived. And I was afraid I'd end up being swept from his mind and heart in the ongoing march of time.'

' "Thousand years' time? You won't remember me…" That though hurt more than I wanted to admit, and made me even more desperate to live.'

'But no matter how hard I tried to convince my body otherwise, the virus was having the last word.'

' "Yes, I will. I promise I will."'

'I could barely hear his words now, a terrible white-noise buzzing in my ears as I felt my lungs starting to collapse and cease all motion.'

'It hurt so much as my air ran out, and the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed was the agony burning in Jack's that had nothing to do with the pain the virus caused. It was like Hellish black flames consuming his heart and soul as he watched me fade. If there'd been any way to stay, I would have done. Even if it meant walking through every pit of Hell as payment. But the pain of knowing I couldn't be with him anymore wasn't as bad as the true agony inside my body suddenly became. The burning was so intense, every nerve felt stripped bare and on fire. I'd clearly felt my lungs stop; knew I wasn't breathing anymore. Yet I could still feel Jack's arms holding me, could vaguely hear his voice.'

' "Ianto? Ianto? Don't go. Don't leave me, please… Please, don't…" He did love me, and obviously so much more than I ever dared to hope.'

'But like so many others, I was abandoning him when he needed me most. I didn't think anything could hurt worse than that… I was wrong.'

'What a singularly horrific sensation. Feeling your own heart stutter to a halt, then the terrible searing pain and pressure building in your skull as the brain dies from lack of oxygen. I was screaming inside as that happened, desperately crying Jack's name, not wanting to let the pain shove me into the Dark to be separated from him forever.'

'Then I felt it. The unmistakeable touch of his lips on mine, the faint taste of salt from his tears… and the pain didn't matter. Instead of the agony from the virus following me into death, it was Jack's kiss I carried with me in the end. His kiss, his love and unvoiced need for me; my love and desperate longing to stay with him… all trapped there in the never-ending night beyond Death's Door.'

'So… now it's on paper, and no, it didn't help. But I suppose there are things that cause wounds so deep they simply never heal. Like Jack, I'll have to learn to deal with the memories if something manages to dredge them to the surface in the future. How do you keep from buckling under the guilt of knowing so many died because your attempt to help turned out to do more harm? How do you avoid breaking down in tears when the feelings of loss and despair rise up to smother you? How do you face the one you love more than anything knowing the overwhelming misery your death caused him, that you made him once again wake up alone?'

'I don't know the answers yet. I haven't been back in this world for long and things don't always make sense, even after learning the truth of my new life. All I know at the moment, is that the memories of that day make me feel intensely sick and I'm neither strong enough nor brave enough to face them… not without Jack close by to draw me back from the abyss.' "

There was silence for a moment, then Rhys lay the pages aside on the small table beside the settee.

"That's it," he murmured, putting his arm around his wife where she huddled against his side. "That's all he copied for you."

"Oh, God…" Gwen wept, hiding her face against Rhys' shoulder. "The Government swore the victims died too fast to even know what happened. That they only panicked because of the alarms. But if they all suffered the way Ianto did? Feeling themselves die. And then him blaming himself for what happened on top of it, as well as feeling guilty about hurting Jack. I should never've asked him…"

"Hey…" Rhys called softly, holding her close. "You couldn't know. Not without asking, and not without this. You can't read minds, Gwen Cooper, and he knows that. But he wanted you to be able to understand, yeah? So now you can."

"There was an incident late last night," his wife breathed shakily. "An alien came through the Rift that they went to collect and it poisoned Ianto. He… he died six times while the Shadows tried to purge it from his system. Each time just like… just like he died with the 456. He said it gave him and Jack flashbacks and nightmares. They both looked so tired and sick first thing this morning. I didn't understand why…"

"So, you asked, and now you do," Rhys comforted, kissing her forehead. "The video doesn't tell the whole story. But you've got it in detail now. Don't look at it as a tale of terror, yeah? Think of it as a tragic love story that took two years to find its happy ending."

Gwen threw her arms around her husband and buried her face against his chest, crying hard and not caring.

"You're brilliant, you are…" she sobbed.

"And always here for you, love," Williams murmured, closing his eyes and just letting her cry.

He'd gotten to know Jack and Ianto fairly well before the freak show with the 456. It had felt like losing a member of the family when Jones had died, and he'd had more trouble reading that diary entry just now than he'd ever admit to his wife. Gwen was usually the strong one, coping with all manner of mad things as part of Torchwood. But this hit her hard, and she needed him to stand up and be her support. So, he would… even if he took a few minutes later to have his own cry in private when he carried out the trash.

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AN: Gwen did ask… and now she has her answers… Be careful what you wish/ask for, yeah?

sandysan2013: I agree that Gwen is too nosey for her own good. But then, she definitely got more than she bargained for this time.

On September 8, 2022 the world lost a great lady… and is a sadder, darker place for that loss. My sympathies to the British Royal Family, and my hopes that they can work together to help guide the United Kingdom back onto the path to make it better place again.
May the Queen now happily enjoy many a Corgi accompanied ride in the fields and woods with her Prince by her side… No longer bound to Royal title and duty, simply Elizabeth and Philip once more, free and forever young in the lands past the Veil.

Thank you to those reading the story. And thank you to those who have followed, favourited, and reviewed. NM