Beckett: We can find our own thing

Thursday 11 October

The hot water refreshed her as it prickled her skin. Kate massaged coconut-scented shampoo (she would need to arrange a trip to her apartment to move properly soon) deep into her scalp to help wake her up. She didn't think about Erin's lack of enthusiasm for her breakfast efforts; she would happily do it all again tomorrow. Nevertheless, the look in Erin's eyes when she had first seen the table was disturbing. Given her own resistance when pushed she intuited the same need for Erin: goodness knows she had made Castle wait on her feelings. As the forceful spray spread white bubbles down her body, she lectured herself that the best approach was, as Castle had said, one day at a time to help Erin settle into her new home. It would be a relief to spend time alone just the two of them for a few hours; hopefully they would start to feel more comfortable with each other.

She dressed quickly, dried her hair, swiped on the eyeliner that she never left the house without (she wondered when that had become a daily ritual: when she was fifteen, she thought. Maybe no make-up for Erin just yet). She waited by the front door whilst Martha and Castle were still clearing the table. Soon, Erin appeared at the top of the stairs.

'Um…hi,' Erin called.

Kate looked up from the bottom of the stairs, one hand on the smooth rail, one foot on a step.

'Kate. You can call me Kate.'

'Um…Kate,' Erin spoke as if the word were a marble. 'I need a hairbrush.' She kicked herself, of course she needed a hairbrush. She rushed back to the bedroom. When she returned Erin still hovered at the top of the stairs. The girl had found a light blue long-sleeved cashmere sweater and a knee-length cream tweed skirt that hugged her thin thighs. It was an adult match that didn't suit Erin at all, which Erin appeared to realise if her screwed up features were anything to go by. Kate remained expressionless.

'None of the trousers fit me,' she explained. Her hair was hidden in a fluffy purple towel-turban that was about to come loose.

'Would you like me to…' She held the brush out towards her resisting the unexpected sudden desire to brush Erin's hair.

'It's okay, I can do it,' Erin snatched the brush and turned back to the guest room. 'Thanks, though,' she said over her shoulder, her eyes directed at the floor.

Kate blew out a long breath and lumbered downstairs where she found Castle waiting. She suppressed the lump of jealousy that had lodged in her throat; it was a good thing that he had made Erin laugh and feel comfortable. Wasn't that precisely why she had chosen, on a whim, to live with him? Maybe this arrangement was going to take some getting used to. She was so accustomed to doing everything alone, to being the alpha.

'I'll let you know any updates on the case.'

'Erin gave really detailed facial descriptions,' Kate nodded as if to reassure herself, stepping closer to him.

'She did. We'll catch them. We'll keep Erin safe.' He held her forearms, his touch making her bite her lip. It was confounding to let Castle, Esposito and Ryan take over such an important case, to hand them her faith. Her stomach churned with the need to control everything. She looked back towards the stairs and back to him. As if reading her mind and wanting to prove he deserves her trust, he lightened his voice and asked: 'Where you girls gonna go shopping?'

'A mall.' Manhattan had plenty and she would be able to keep an eye on their surroundings more easily than on the streets.

'You know, Mother didn't mean anything by the credit card comment.'

'No, I know,' she said. Of course, he had picked up on the earlier ice in her tone.

'But we are in this together, we're gonna have to talk about how that works. I'm rich, Beckett, that's just a fact. You don't need to be defensive about it. Schools, for example, she can go wherever she likes,' he shrugged. Schools, God, she hadn't even thought about that. Erin should be in school today. It must have been months since she was at school as it's now midway through the Fall term. They would have to sort something out soon. Maybe Castle was right, a private school would give them lots of choice to find the right place for her. She wrapped her arms around his waist, her fingers entwining themselves at the small of his back. Focus on one thing at a time, she thought, as she calmed her breathing.

'Just give me some time to adjust. I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you,' she said earnestly.

'Oh, I want you to take advantage of me,' he smirked, waggling his eyebrows, pulling her closer so their hips bumped into each other. She had walked straight into that one. She snorted and rolled her eyes but hugged into him harder, resting her head on his shoulder. She soaked up his hand in her hair and his grip around her back and closed her eyes, basking in the intimacy.

'A-hem.' Like meerkats they turned their heads as one to find Erin standing a couple of steps from the bottom, her eyebrows raised in mock disgust, her arms crossed. They jumped away from each other, Kate smoothing back her hair guiltily, though she was unsure why.

'Are you ready?' she stuttered. Erin's hair was still wet but brushed. 'Do you need a hairdryer?' She tried to compose her voice.

'No, thank you, it's just nice to be…' Erin tailed off as she tripped down the last steps and past them to her ragged converse trainers by the front door. Clean, Kate finished in her head.

'You girls have fun,' said Castle, clapping his hands. 'We'll catch those guys before you know it.'

Erin stared at Kate. 'I won't have to,' she swallowed, dropping the trainers. 'I told them everything I saw, they don't need me anymore? I won't have to…' she stammered, her voice drifting away.

'A lineup?' Kate guessed. Erin nodded, her eyes wide. Kate met Castle's look of confusion and then she sat down on the stairs and patted the step next to her. After a few seconds, Erin sat at the other end of the step. 'That shouldn't be necessary. Ballistics and DNA evidence should be enough. Confessions are even better.' She desperately wanted to tell Erin what she wanted to hear but her instincts told her it wasn't a good idea to lie. 'However, a lineup can be helpful to secure a conviction if they plead not guilty.' Erin's breath hitched. 'But you wouldn't be seen, they wouldn't know who was behind the screen. You're a minor, your identity would be protected in court,' she said using the most soothing voice she could muster. 'I will do what I can to avoid a lineup for you, if it comes to that.'

'If it comes to that?' Erin panicked. 'You mean you won't catch them?'

'I mean, if the police feel it would help the case.' Erin was far more frightened than she had realised. Her throat constricted. Everything in her screamed that Erin needed her to hold her, that words weren't enough right now. It's what her own mother would have done. But Erin had squashed herself as hard as could into the staircase wall, as far away from Kate she could get. Instead, Kate held her hands tightly, burying them in her lap. 'You're safe here, Erin. With us.' She looked up at Castle his arms crossed with concern. 'No one is going to get you here, I promise you.' She threw everything she had, all her grief into that one word. She knew, more than anyone, that she could never promise such a thing, but she could promise that she would do everything she could to keep her safe. And if being fully safe is an impossible ideal, then the next best thing is to feel safe.

Since she could not touch her and she didn't have more words of conviction, it was action, or distraction, that was now necessary. She stood up, grazed Castle's outheld fingers briefly, sniffed and turned back to the girl hunched over on the steps.

'Let's get you some new clothes,' she said brightly, forcing a smile. 'And some new shoes, maybe,' she added, handing Erin her grotty trainers.

Erin remained silent on the way to the mall, her head resting on the passenger seat window. It was raining and her fingers followed the water trails down the window. Kate parked in the underground parking lot. Her attempts at small talk had not been fruitful so she had played the CD currently in the car's player: Hot Fuss by The Killers. At least it wasn't her Radiohead CD. Erin had yawned several times but when Kate had asked if she had slept, she had said she had and then turned away whenever she stifled more yawns.

They walked through the bright lights of the pristine mall. Erin seemed self-conscious in her strange outfit, yet Kate noticed that when they ascended an escalator, and she watched her in the mirror behind her, she somehow seemed to shrink to nothing, to become invisible. It was extraordinary how she was able to deflect other people's gazes from her. It was uncanny, like she was only half there. She couldn't help her thoughts drifting to how Erin had coped living on the streets, about what she might have fallen prey to, and she hoped this talent for invisibility had kept her safe. Automatically, Kate scanned the mall.

'Do you have a favourite shop,' she asked, switching off her internal monologue, as they slipped off the escalator.

Erin shrugged.

Erin's lack of enthusiasm for the trip despite her obvious discomfort in her current clothes was puzzling. She wondered when the last time someone had treated Erin. She stopped by the closest shop window; an array of mannequins haughtily ignored them. 'Erin, you need a new wardrobe, don't worry about the cost.' She bent down so they were eye-level; she had chosen her flat boots deliberately. 'I want you to know that Ca-Rick and I, we're your home now. It's going to take some getting used to, for you, for all of us. It's okay to ask us for things. We want to look after you.' Erin's eyes brightened and she gave the tiniest of nods.

Suddenly, a thought hit Kate. 'Erin, what happened to all your stuff after…after your parents died?' Erin's shoulders raised as if in pain and she turned away and marched into the shop, immediately fingering shirts on a rail. Okay, so maybe that was a step too far, too sudden, but it was a subject she would think about.

The shop was Uniqlo and they gathered various items in differing sizes and found the dressing room. Erin had chosen plain or striped t-shirts and shirts in a variety of white and blue, avoiding tops with words or pictures, as well as jeggings and leggings. Kate found fitted hoodies and cardigans which Erin accepted, and a couple of dresses, which she did not. Neither looked at skirts.

While Erin tried on clothes Kate paced outside. How could she get Erin's stuff back? She surely must have treasured possessions she would want to keep. Children's Services would probably be the first place to look. Furthermore, she realised there was a bigger question: her parent's will. Was there an inheritance that Erin was owed? What had happened to the home they had lived in – had it been rented? Did they have life insurance? Was there a Trust set up for her?

Her thoughts were interrupted by Erin coming out of the changing room. She handed Kate a small number of items with a nervous look that said: 'Is this okay?' and she took the rest to the unwanted rail, painstakingly hanging each item rather than giving them to the member of staff whose arms were already full. The woman smiled gratefully at Erin and threw Kate a smile as if to say, 'What a well brought-up young lady.' She smiled back with bittersweet pride.

Next, she led Erin to the underwear section. At twelve years old, Kate's own body had begun to develop faster than some of her peers. Erin's chest, however, remained quite flat. She let Erin walk ahead and watched her choose socks and packs of knickers. Erin hesitated at the bras. There were a small number of trainer bras and Kate selected a couple.

'You can try these on at home and we can return them if you don't like them.'

They visited several more stores, and each time Erin seemed more confident with her choices. In The Gap, on the way to the checkout, they passed a turntable of sunglasses and jewellery. Spontaneously, Kate reached out and grabbed the largest pair she could see and handed them to Erin, grinning.

'Try these on,' she laughed. Erin accepted the glasses tentatively and then examined the rest. She found a hideous pink pair and held them out to Kate. 'Only if you wear these.'

'Deal.' They posed together in front of the small mirror and giggled. Kate was taken aback to see her daughter's face so close beside her own, their similarity stark and obvious. No one looking at them would ever doubt that she was her mother. Emboldened, she picked up a few necklaces. 'What about these, some of these are really pretty.' She looked to see if Erin's ears were pierced: they weren't. Erin ignored the necklaces in her hands and found a long gold chain bearing a heart of gold. Kate held her breath as Erin reached around her neck – she lifted her hair out of the way for her – and fixed the clasp. The chain was so long that the heart disappeared between her shirt and skin. As Erin pulled it forward, her fingers caught the button below the long V-neck pulling it open to reveal the top of her bra and the gunshot scar lodged between the cups.

'What's that?' Erin asked immediately, her voice firmer than it had been in the last two days. Kate quickly redid the button. She hadn't even worn her mother's ring today thinking to avoid questions about it, not that Erin had yet shown any curiosity about her. She closed her eyes briefly and breathed in slowly though her nose and out through her mouth.

'Erin, I…'

'What is it?' she asked again, her face devoid of any humour.

'I…let's take a break, have a drink and snack and I'll tell you.' She removed the necklace and lay it next to the rubble of sunglasses and necklaces.

Carrying their several bags, including two boxes containing boots and trainers, they found the restaurant area on the top floor: various outlets lined up in a semi-circle around bright red seating and chrome edging. Without asking what she wanted, Kate left Erin at a table while she bought them each a coffee and hot chocolate. She needed time to think.

'So,' said Erin, stern and expectant as Kate served the drinks. Slightly terrifying, she thought. Was this how Castle felt when she gave him the same look?

'I wasn't going to tell you this just yet, I didn't want to freak you out. Last year, I was shot.' She sipped her coffee, avoiding Erin's gaze.

'You were shot!' Erin echoed.

'But I'm fine, now.' The scar pulsed and itched.

'Was it because you're a cop?'

'Um, well, yes and no. Not really. It's complicated. My mother died when I was nineteen, she was murdered-'

'You were nineteen when you had me,' Erin interrupted.

'Yes. I guess that's partly why I gave you up for adoption. To keep you safe.'

'But you said I would be safe with you now!' Erin was edging towards hysteria.

'And you are. You are. Things are different now, I promise.' Bracken was under control, no one was after her. She was safe, she told herself. 'It's all over. My mother's death was complicated, no one was convicted. I wouldn't leave it alone. The guy that shot me was killed, it's over,' she said, emphasising each of the last word's two syllables.

Erin stared into her hot chocolate, contemplating the news.

'Thank you for telling me,' she murmured. 'I'm sorry that happened to you.' They sat in silence. Eventually, feeling confident that the subject was finished, Kate asked if she would like something to eat. They had been shopping for so long Kate hadn't realised it was already lunchtime. Erin scanned the outlets: a selection of branded fast foods, ice cream, a coffee hut, and a waffles and pancakes stall. She looked away: the hot chocolate appeared to be fascinating.

'Mom used to make me pancakes every Sunday morning. It was our thing. Dad didn't like them; he was allergic to eggs,' she whispered. She looked up into Kate's face for her understanding.

'That's okay,' she whispered back, her heart in her throat. 'That was something really special with your Mom.' She swallowed, debating how to continue. 'We can find our own thing and if you ever want pancakes, you can just ask, but I won't spring them on you again.' Her fingers inched across the Formica table, not quite reaching Erin's hands, which were wrapped around the bowl-shaped mug. With so many unknowns, she would have to be prepared for all the things that she was going to get wrong.

'It was just…the smell. It was like she… I…I don't like to think about her too much.'

Kate understood. Erin hadn't rejected her food; she hadn't been rejecting her at all; the breakfast had just reminded her of a time she wasn't ready to think about yet. 'You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to, Erin. When my mother died, I found it so hard to remember all the good times. They were the worst.'

'Does it get easier?'

'A bit, yes. It was easier at first not to think about her at all, I just focused on her absence, on my loss. Happy memories were too painful but as time has gone by, I can remember my childhood and not feel like I'm drowning.' She paused, catching her breath. 'I can't tell you how you'll feel, only that I'm here if you ever want to talk about your parents. Or you can talk to Rick, if that's easier,' she forced herself to say.

In the end, Erin didn't want anything to eat. As she reached the end of the hot chocolate, her eyes started to droop and the yawns she had been failing to hide from Kate returned. Suddenly, from behind one of the outlets there was a crash and Erin almost jumped out of her chair.

'We still need to get you your own toiletries, towels, anything you'd like for your room.'

'You can choose them,' Erin mumbled, her elbows acting as a pillow.

'I think it's time to go home.' Erin looked as if she would resist but didn't have the energy to do so.

The traffic was heavier on the way home. Stuck behind a yellow cab, the wide New York avenue a sea of cars and red lights ahead, Kate craned her neck towards Erin. She was asleep, her hands clasped together neatly under her chin. She greedily looked as closely as she could within the restriction of her seatbelt and the steering wheel, devouring the thin contours of her face. Feeding Erin up was high on her priorities. She had changed out of Alexis's clothes into new ones; the white and grey striped t-shirt beneath an open navy cardigan reflected the paleness of her skin further.

From a few cars behind her a horn blared. Kate looked up and the traffic had crept forward. When she came to a halt again, this time when she looked at her daughter, her face had shadows on it, her brows twitching, and her hands gripped each other tightly. Squeezing between the passenger side and the van in the next lane, a motorcycle streaked past them. The van honked deeply and suddenly Erin shot forward in her seat panting rapidly, writhing wildly.

'Erin, it's okay, you're okay!' gasped Kate, instinctively reaching over with one hand. Erin bucked violently away from her, crushing into the door and searching for a handle.

'I can't breathe, I need to get out,' she wheezed.

Shit, a panic attack. Frantically, Kate manoeuvred the car to the side of the road, ignoring the waving hands and shouts of angry drivers, and parked haphazardly on the kerb whilst trying to ignore the hammering of Erin's fists on the passenger door window. The car automatically locked when the car was in Drive but the moment she was in Park, Erin's manic hands found their target and she tumbled out of the car. Kate ran around to catch her. Her immediate fear was that Erin would run but she was hyperventilating and far too disorientated. She reached her easily, avoided her flaying arms, and pulled her to the side of the road by a shop, she didn't register what type. They collapsed together; Erin no longer tried to get away from her, instead she gripped Kate's arms in and out, her nails digging in painfully.

'Shhh shhhh shhhhh,' Kate chanted, in shock. They were both on their knees, the concrete hard and wet. Erin's posture held her upright but in such a way that also kept Kate at arm's length. They stayed like that together for several minutes. Kate encouraged her to slow her breathing, guiding her with her own slow, deep, breaths. She kept her hands by her side, not encroaching on Erin's space. Eventually, Erin calmed down enough that she let go of Kate's arms and stood up, embarrassment written all over her face, and walked shakily back to the car. A small crowd had gathered, and Beckett quickly dispersed then with a flash of her badge.

When she was back in the car, Kate placed her hands on the steering wheel as if it were a bomb.

'Can we just go,' Erin muttered rudely.

'Are you okay?'

'I'm fine, just…tired,' she said under her breath.

'Does this happen often?'

'I want to go to bed,' she snapped.

'It's only lunchtime. What's going on? Why are you so tired? You've been yawning all morning.' It was inevitable that Erin would be tired from her recent ordeal, but this was more than that.

Erin sighed. Looking out of the passenger window she said: 'I slept during the day when I was…you know.'

Oh.

'So, you didn't sleep last night?'

'Not really.' Which meant if Erin only slept during the day, she had missed her sleep yesterday whilst at the station, therefore, she must have been awake for over 36 hours. Now clearly wasn't the time to discuss this further. She put the car into Drive and eased out into the traffic.

A/N From one extreme to another, this chapter has just poured out and I didn't want to hold onto it. I've had these scenes percolating in my head for weeks and no idea how they would come out. Writing fascinates me. Sometimes it takes weeks to bring a scene together, other times you sit at the screen with a vague idea and are surprised with what happens. Hopefully you're happier with more Erin and Kate time and that they are slowly getting to know each other. I've had several weeks now to really think about Erin's past, her character, her motivations etc but this is from Kate's perspective so I can only show her as Kate sees her despite me knowing more than Kate. Be assured I know where this is going and have lots of exciting drama ahead.

Thanks as ever for reviews - they truly are what encourage me to keep going.