Author Notes - So... 'Heavy Meddle' is one of my least favourite episodes of the entire show. The only episode I hate more is 'Making the Grade', but this story isn't about that. There's something about the 'she just does it because she likes you' message that the episode spreads that makes me legitimately furious, so I wrote this story essentially out of spite. Hey, spite keeps us all living, doesn't it?
As I've stated in the summary, this story is not about Ronnie Anne. While I don't especially love her as a character, I didn't want drag her down. So, I made up a character to fulfil the role instead. Anyway, onto the show...
(If you're wondering, I hate 'Making the Grade' because it demonises Lincoln for no good reason, and is just eleven minutes of Lisa being the most obnoxious self-ego-boosting smartass ever. ... Did I mention that Lisa is my favourite?)
CHAPTER ONE - MY BULLY IS A GIRL
Lincoln spun around the lock for his locker as quickly as he could, hoping to get the heck out of that school hallway as soon as possible. If only going quicker didn't cause him to miss most of his numbers, or he would've been done by now. His eyes darted around the hallway, suspicion clear on every inch on his face.
You're not gonna get me this time… He thought.
He had to be extra careful now; he could still feel that bully's eyes looming over him at all times.
What is her deal, anyway?
It all started a week ago, when someone managed to tie his shoelaces together in the middle of class. When he inevitably fell flat on his face, everyone else in the class pointed and laughed. Granted, he was more annoyed than upset, but still. Then there was the whoopie cushion incident, and when he got a sandwich shoved down his pants (which Lana ate up the moment they got in the car together), and he was certain early on his pants got pulled down... among other things, and every time it was the same dang girl.
When he was certain nothing bad could possibly happen to him, he opened up his locker to fetch his stuff…
'WHOA!'
… only for a whole pile of rotting garbage to fall out of his locker and practically crush him beneath it. He almost threw up from the horrendous smell alone. And, like always, he could hear everyone else in the hallway laughing at him and snapping photos of his embarrassment, likely to post it on whatever social media they used.
Grumbling in frustration, he stood up from the garbage pile and clenched his fists. There was no doubt in his mind that this was the same girl who had done everything else. Among all the people laughing at him, he mentally scanned them for the one who had caused it all. It didn't take him long to find her - the exact same brunette who always loved wearing skirts and a blood-red bracelet.
'Alright, that's it!' He yelled.
The brunette didn't stop laughing until Lincoln was directly in her face. She flinched, and seemed rather surprised to see him so up close, until she started laughing again.
'Wow, really?' She said. 'Even a monkey would know not to leave a banana peel there.'
The other students laughed and jeered again, only riling up even more when Lincoln's cheeks went red. He picked the banana peel off his chest and tossed it away at a bin. It didn't quite make it in, but it was the thought that counted.
'Alright, what do you want...' She asked, crossing her arms. 'Mayo-Boy?'
Lincoln rolled his eyes. 'I'm done with this! You've been bullying me almost non-stop for at least a week now! Why are you doing this?'
She shrugged. 'I dunno. Cos it's fun, I guess?'
The only Loud brother gritted his teeth. '1216, Franklin Avenue. That's my house. Meet me in the front yard at 3:30 pm today.'
At this, the crowd 'ooo'ed like a live studio audience. It made Lincoln wonder if the lot of them simply didn't have a life, for why else would they be so invested in what was happening to some random white-haired 11-year-old boy?
The girl just laughed. 'Alright, fine. I'll see ya there, Mayo-Boy.'
'The name is Lincoln.'
'And my name's Bella, but I don't hear you using it.'
Lincoln paid her no more attention, and simply walked away as she continued to laugh at him. Of course, he wasn't going to fight her; he knew better than anyone that his strength did not equal hers, and while there's nothing wrong with that, he had no chance of winning a fight. He wasn't an animal. Or Lynn, but who could tell the difference sometimes? Instead, he was going to deliver a strongly worded speech.
...
As soon as he wrote it.
Well, that ended in just about the worst way it could've. He had hoped to get through this entire situation without alerting his sisters, since he knew they had a habit of meddling. Sure, they had good intentions - he would never deny that - but they hardly ever helped. So, he went through a series of hijynx in an attempt to avoid everyone… only to get caught by Lisa right at the last moment.
Apparently, she 'didn't have enough room' in her brain for a secret, and so she transferred it to Lynn. Instead of… simply forgetting it? Sometimes, it seemed like Lisa was the epitome of 'being smart and being wise are not the same thing'. And since Lynn did have enough room for the secret…
'So you are being picked on!' Luna cried.
Now, every single sister was at his door, and while he tried his hardest to explain the situation, they completely ignored him and did what they usually did - meddle in a situation they had no right to be in.
'Guys, guys!' He begged. 'Please stay out of this! You'll only make it worse.'
'If by worse,' Lori said. 'You mean better, I agree.'
'You should go straight to the school principal!' Lola yelled.
For once, Lincoln sort of agreed with one of their suggestions. Lola was the last sister he was expecting to agree with, even though it could easily lead to a 'snitches get stitches' situation, and that assumed it would actually work.
Except Lori completely disagreed, inexplicitly. 'Forget that. You should literally text an embarrassing picture of him to all his friends.'
'Him?' Lincoln repeated. 'Yeah, about that-'
'I'm gonna write an insult comedy routine that will leave him in tears!' Luan said.
Lincoln didn't even know where to begin with that suggestion - the least of their problems being that Bella would probably laugh at her instead - and was about to say something when-
'HOO-WAH!'
-Lynn, without any warning, felt the need to demonstrate a self-defence technique by kicking her own brother so hard that he flew back into the wall.
Great way to stop her from bullying me, Lynn. To bully me yourself. Good on ya.
It continued as such for a little while, with most of his sisters giving him silly suggestions while Lynn continued to physically beat him up for no adequately explained reason. Oh, and Luna felt the need to deafen him by slamming cymbals right in his face, because that needed a demonstration apparently. Then Lynn - why was it always her? - more-or-less kidnapped a random boy who Lincoln had never met and assumed he was the bully. Lincoln couldn't even begin to comprehend that decision.
'I'll go get another boy.' Lynn remarked.
This sentence, frankly, baffled Lincoln. Not only was she assuming the bully was a boy for whatever reason, but apparently she was just going to go after every single boy in the vicinity until she found the right one.
I'm getting so sick of this…!
'No, Lynn, stop!' He yelled. 'It's not even a boy!'
Now, his sisters looked at him in shock and confusion, as if he just told them that a pink elephant had ordered him to fetch its duck slippers. A bit specific, yes, but it was the only way to describe their expressions.
'Is it a dog?' Leni asked.
Well, that was just Leni being Leni, but it still confused Lincoln as to why a dog bully was more obvious than a girl bully. Trapped in a corner with nowhere to go, he decided it was best to come out and say it.
With a sigh, he said, 'It's a girl…'
He had expected this to hardly change a thing, for a bully was still a bully, right? Instead, all of the Loud sisters gasped at once, followed up by the last thing he could've expected…
'AAHHHHHHH!'
They all - except for Lisa - screamed for joy and squealed like they had just seen a hot actor taking their shirt off. They all danced about, still making that screaming sound, while Lincoln stood there as confused as he could be.
'What?' He asked, unable to say much else.
He was even more confused when his sisters brought him into a massive - and suffocating - hug.
'Normally I don't care for inane human emotions,' Lisa said, keeping up her stoic exterior for just a moment. 'But… EEEEEEEE!'
After making that - admittedly, really adorable - sound, she joined in on the massive group hug. Lincoln could feel his lungs and throat being compressed by his many sisters, and they still hugged him like he was diagnosed with some sort of terminal illness (imagine that).
'Lincoln,' Luna said. 'Why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?!'
'She sounds so pretty!' Lola cried.
Girlfriend?!
It took a lot of willpower not to scream that word at the top of his lungs. Did he misspeak? Did they mishear? How did 'my bully is a girl' end up being heard as 'I have a girlfriend'?
'What is happening?' He asked.
That was all he could say, half due to his brain exploding and half because he was losing oxygen while in the middle of this sister bear hug. Thankfully, they all backed off and gave him a little bit of room to breathe, though they all still crowded around him in a way that made him a little more uncomfortable than usual. And seeing as he was used to being surrounded at all times, that was saying something.
'When a girl picks on you,' Lori said, perhaps a little too happily. 'That only ever means one thing…' She proceeded to put her hands together and adopt a more 'flirty' voice. 'She liiiiiiiikes youuuuuuu!'
And they squealed again. Well, that confirmed it - they didn't mishear him. Except this only made him even more confused. If his brain wasn't broken before trying to keep up with their logic, it was definitely broken now. He couldn't, for a moment, comprehend what they were getting at here.
Hang on. 'Only ever means one thing'? Ever? I'm sorry… I've heard of generalising but… this?!
Even telling them about the 'Sandwich in Pants Incident' simply made them remark on 'how romantic' it was, and Lincoln was so baffled by this that he could not figure out how to respond to it.
'You guys are nuts!' He cried, finally giving up. 'She hates me! I'm gonna meet her today and give her a piece of my mind!'
'You need to give her a piece of your heart instead.' Lori said, as if she had been ignoring literally everything he had said up to this point.
'What?!' He replied, a little worried.
'I think he needs to kiss her.' Leni said, prompting Lily to make kissy-faces in agreement.
'WHAT?!'
But, somehow, with one call with Clyde later, he was convinced that - just maybe - his sisters were right. It was a 'scientific fact' that girls knew more about romance stuff than boys did, though the more Lincoln thought about it the less sense it made. Would Lynn or Lana really know more about this than him? And would Lisa even agree with such a statement? Still, the thought that perhaps Bella really did like him was such a nice thought, that he went through with everything his sisters did for him.
So, when 3:30 came, they did him up and - with Leni wearing a garbage can lid as a hat for some reason - watched him strut out to the front yard. They peeped through the window to get a good look at the 'romance' about to unfold, like they were a bunch of paparazzi.
Bella was waiting for him, with her hands on her hips. Once she saw him marching out of the house, she rolled her eyes.
'What are you doing now, Mayo-Boy?'
Imagine her surprise when Lincoln leaned forward and - without a warning - gave her a big kiss on the mouth. When that was over, he stepped back and gave her the best flirtatious look he could manage, which wasn't very flirty at all.
'What…?' Bella said, struggling to put her words together. 'What was that?! That's your idea of a fight? To kiss me?!'
He bowed before her for a moment, and spoke. 'I know you like me. Would you like to go out sometime?'
Bella's look of confusion was the one to end all looks of confusion. He kept up the flirty look, though he began to sweat a little. For all he knew, he just gave her even more ammo with which to bully him.
If my sisters were wrong yet again, I swear…!
After a while, however, the girl smiled. 'Yep, that's why I was bullying you. It's just so hard to get people's attention sometimes, ya know? I'm so glad you share my feelings! How about tomorrow?'
His eyes widened. 'Uh, I had some plans to hang out with some friends after school, so-'
She gasped. 'But… we're boyfriend and girlfriend now, Linky! Don't you want to spend any time with me?'
Lincoln stared at her for a few moments, unsure of how to respond. Seeing as this was his first ever relationship, he wasn't certain if this was 'clingy behaviour' or perfectly expected. He glanced over to his sisters and shrugged, beginning to sweat again as he could feel Bella waiting for an answer, and he reeeally did not want her to notice him looking at his family for help. Every single sister gave him a thumbs-up and a massive toothy grin. Even Lucy, which the more he looked at it the more it creeped him out.
He turned back to Bella with a grin. 'Oh, I'm sure I can make something work. I mean, I hang out with the guys all the time, so they won't mind if I take a day off. And I'll have plenty of free time afterwards anyway, so I'm sure it can work!'
Bella squealed, just like his sisters did not even five minutes ago. 'Oh Linky, I'm so happy you like me too! Right after school, I'll be going on my first date ever!'
As Bella skipped away back to her home, Lincoln took another look at his sisters. All of them were cheering and squealing, with a couple of them even shedding tears of joy. Though he could certainly say he was happy to be in a relationship, he couldn't help shaking a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Don't worry about it. Your sisters know more about this than you do.
Author Notes - I hate that 'girls know more about romance than boys, scientific fact' line. Mind you, I am a girl. Well, I suppose a woman, but I don't wanna think about me being a 21-year-old writing Loud House fanfictions. Just wanna establish this in case anything I write comes across as bit, how you say... incel-ish? I'll try to not do that, since incels kinda suck, but just some heads-up, ya know?
This chapter was essentially just the episode, but with Lincoln's thought process sprinkled throughout, but later chapters will mix things up quite a bit. Thank god for the Loud House Wikia having transcripts.
By the way, the 'like he was diagnosed with some sort of terminal illness (imagine that)' comment is indeed a reference to 'Requiem For a Loud' by UnderratedHero. If it came across as a dig towards it, I did not intend it as such. It was just meant to be a lighthearted little reference. I haven't actually read that story, to be honest. Hardly three chapters in, and I was like 'nope, too sad'. From what I read, though, it was great.