AN: Mood music as I write: Carrickfergus. And today seems to be Gourry fanfic day! So glad he's getting some love and attention!
He'd had the dream again. The one where he sat on the porch of a white cabin with a woman as they watched the sunset together. At some point the scenery would morph and he would find himself in a warm, plush bed with her. The dream that he always hoped he would never wake from and that he yearned to live in, and when the inevitable wakening would happen, left him laying awake and stewing in resentments. While in some ways it was preferable to the nightmares where he'd walked among the corpses of his family, the contrast between the love and security he found in the dream and his lonely, uncertain life left him feeling miserable.
The melancholy washed over him in waves as faded images of the white cabin filled with soft blankets and pillows and of a nameless woman flitted through his mind. He wondered how he could know what it felt like to be held so safely and to know he was loved so completely. Had he ever felt it before? He must have. But it had been so long since he had felt treasured.
Why does my mind do this to me? He wondered as he sat up in his bed. He could hardly say it was empty. Someone as tall as he took up a great deal of space. But it felt empty. For awhile leaving the mercenary camp had helped to ease his loneliness. It was easier to be lonely when you were traveling alone than it was when you were surrounded by people. But the fact that he didn't have anyone to share his life with caught up to him eventually. And this time it was particularly harsh.
This is the way it has to be. He thought to himself as he looked at the sword and resigned himself to the fact that he was chained to it. Such a sword was too powerful for humans. Sure, his dad was full of legends of how his ancestor used it to slay some mythical creature in Sairaag, but if such creatures existed then they never visited the Elmekian Empire, or any other place he had visited. He'd never had an opportunity to detach the metal blade in battle. He had hoped that maybe, perhaps, against a rogue sorcerer he could justify owning it, but that didn't pan out.
No, the sword was too much power for humans to wield wisely. And so those who wielded it inevitably abused the power it gave them. All it did was give despots like Gunther an unfair advantage.
When Gourry had first found the sword he thought about destroying it. It would be the best thing for humanity. But something always stopped him. Grandmother would have disapproved. So would Father, but he was accustomed to his disapproval. Grandmother's was unthinkable. He could have hidden it, but someone would have found it eventually. No, the only solution was for him to keep the sword and keep it out of the hands of those who would use its power for nefarious purposes. And it felt like something he would have to do alone. Few seemed to be able to resist the temptation to abuse the power it gave.
There was a reason Grandmother chose me and not Gunther or any of my cousins to train with it. Gourry reminded himself. She knew I would do the right thing.
Gourry stood up and grabbed the sword. It always felt so heavy, like a weighted chain around his neck, or a possessive spouse who kept him from others.
He made a quick trip to the latrine before he went back to his room to dress and gather his belongings as he debated whether to have breakfast in his room or go down to the dining hall. He decided he'd had a lifetime of being alone in a crowd and so he went down to the kitchen to order something to be sent up. He practiced a few swings alone in his room as he waited for his food to be sent up and then stared out the window as he ate. He didn't even wait to finish, he merely grabbed the toast to eat it on the go as he left to check out.
It was a beautiful day outside, and Gourry always found a walk through the woods a pleasant diversion from his loneliness. The lush beauty of the world outside of the Elmekian Empire never ceased to astound him, and he often felt that so long as he could walk through a world filled with vibrant green grass and tall, imposing trees then he could endure whatever life threw at him. Gratitude to see a world full of greenery rather than a stark desert landscape coursed through him as he passed by a farm and heard the sounds of children playing.
"Raoh, stop!" the younger boy cried as the older one tackled him.
"Make me!" the other one shot back as he twisted the younger boy's arm behind his back.
Don't think about Gunther, Gourry told himself. But his mind delighted in torturing himself and soon the memories came flooding in, a right flood of painful and humiliating moments. Soon one overpowered the others and he found himself drowning in one of his earliest memories from when he was a small child. He'd been wandering around his yard when he noticed patches of white and black in the desert and as he walked over to see what it was his heart soared as he realized that it was a litter of kittens. Excitement charged through his small body as he started to run as he anticipated how soft they would feel. But he cried out as he knelt beside them and picked one up and found that it was lifeless. They were all dead.
Life had always been harsh in the desert and the aquifers drying up did not help matters, and to this day Gourry wondered if their mother had abandoned them or simply was so dehydrated that she was unable to provide them with the milk they needed. He tried to stop the flow of tears from coming, but they spilled out regardless as he tried to think of some way to help them. And then he remembered the fortune teller who had set up a shop outside of their village. She had magic! Surely she could help them! But just as he started to pick them up Gunther yelled, "What are you doing?"
Gourry nearly dropped the kittens in an effort to wipe his eyes. Gunther and his friend would tease him mercilessly if they knew he was crying! But Gourry couldn't drop them! So he looked away at the ground as he yelled, "Taking them to Madame Cassandra! She'll save them."
"You are such an idiot!" Gunther said as he smacked him on the head, which Gourry kept down. "Old Cassandra isn't going to do shit for them."
"Are you crying?" asked one of Gunther's friends, Aaron.
"Leave me alone!" Gourry said as he tried to walk away but found himself surrounded by Gunther and his friends.
"He is crying!" Aaron said victoriously.
Gourry's stomach sank as he stole a glance at his brother and saw him roll his eyes in annoyance, "You are still such a baby!"
All around him the boys started mock crying as they hurled insults at him. Baby. Girl. Wimp. Time seemed to slow down as he held the kittens closer as he struggled to do what he knew he needed to do. He needed to fight! He needed to push Gunther down as he rushed the kittens to Madame Cassandra's. He needed to show them that he wouldn't take their teasing, that he was strong and not someone to be messed with! He knew exactly what he needed to do but…but…
But he didn't want to hurt Gunther. Because then he would be just like Gunther!
"Gourry." Father said commandingly as he approached, and Gourry shrank further into himself as he wondered how the day could get any worse, "Set the kittens down. They're dead. Magic or no magic, no one can do anything for them now. And come with me. You are to train with Master Janawes today."
Gunther and the rest of the boys snickered, "Why bother trying, Father? A girl like him a swordsman? It's a waste to even try."
A wave of cruel laughter rose among the group as his father looked at him expectantly, but Gourry froze under the expectation of what Father wanted him to do even as the shame coursed through him that he couldn't bring himself to do it, that he couldn't bring himself to punch Gunther in the face. Father scowled as he brought his fist down hard upon his face and Gourry dropped the kittens as he threw his hands up in protection as Father yelled, "Dammit, boy, if you don't stand up for yourself no one will! If you can't bring yourself to punch him at least take him down a peg! Ask him if he's scared of the competition!"
Gunther laughed mockingly, "He's so scared at the thought of hurting another living soul that I have nothing to worry about."
Still to this day Gourry truly believed that no one was more surprised than himself when he quickly became Master Janawes's best student, leaving Gunther and the others behind in the dust. And still to this day Gourry wondered if the pride he felt when he remembered the look on Gunther's face when he realized just how badly he had underestimated him made him a bad person.
Gourry was initially relieved to see the mile marker to the next town as the sun was sinking lower in the sky. While camping out gave him more privacy it also left him more vulnerable and he seldom slept well. But as he approached and heard the sounds of merry music his stomach knotted as it became apparent that a festival was happening. And there was nothing worse than being surrounded by happy people when you were miserable.
While he could have turned around and found a place to camp, he found himself walking forward anyway. If this was what was meant to be then who was he to fight against it? So he continued to walk towards the town as he kept his head down to avoid the gaze of the townspeople. Soon he crossed into the borders of the town and he shrank into himself as the crowd overwhelmed him.
"Popcorn! Peanuts! Candy apples!" a seller yelled as Gourry's stomach rumbled, and he decided that he was not so determined to be miserable that he would pass up the opportunity to get some carnival food. And at least it was something to focus his attention on.
He walked up to the food stand and made his purchase. And as he left with his food his eyes fell upon a young couple. The woman was sitting on her lover's lap, their arms wrapped around each other snugly as she fed him some cotton candy. Jealousy rushed through him as he turned away as if scalded as he resolved himself to finding an inn as quickly as possible so he wouldn't have to see the happy couples and the happy families.
So he wouldn't have his face rubbed into the fact that everyone else in this world had someone except for him.
The sword weighed heavily on his hip as he searched for an inn, and his hatred for it flared. It was the reason he could never get close to another. He simply couldn't risk it. When he'd taken the sword he had put a heavy burden upon himself to see that it was never misused again. And he was the only one he could trust to see it through.
He finally found an inn and quickly rented a room for the night. Soon he was alone in a small, dingy room that did little to dampen the sounds of the merriment going on outside. He undid his sword and tossed it in a corner of the room as he threw himself on his bed and tried to block it all out as he wondered if he was kidding himself. Did he really have the power to ensure it would never be misused again? It was sheer hubris if he thought about it too long. Even if it did spend his life protecting it he would die eventually, and then what would happen to the sword?
He opened his eyes and looked at it and felt the resentment course through him as it became apparent that their lives were so entwined that it seemed obvious that whenever he left the world he would take that damned object with him.
He didn't like this forest. Gourry shuddered in discomfort even as he continued forward. Ever since leaving the Elmekian Empire he had never encountered a forest he disliked until now. For one thing it was too quiet. There were no animal or bird sounds. Despite the lush greenery that clogged his nose with its intense smell the forest seemed devoid of life. It reminded him of how animals scatter before a lethal enemy. And the fact that a presence seemed to haunt the forest didn't help. Benign or not, he did not like it.
The silence in particular unsettled him. It hadn't been since Grandmother had insisted that he train with the Sword of Light every day that things had been so silent. Granted, that had been the point. Grandmother had explained that training with the Sword of Light as he grew into a man would transform him. His senses would get sharper, his endurance would build and his skills would improve. But even Grandmother was surprised by how dramatic the changes were.
She used to watch as he put the sword through it's paces and shake her head in disbelief as a smile played at her lips. After which she would give him tea and cookies and remark, "Your type of talent shows up every few generations or so in our family, and even then the welder is seldom as powerful as you are. I don't think it's been since the Swordsman of Light slew Zanaffar that we had a Gabriev who was as fated for this sword as you are, though."
Gourry would blush. He never knew how to respond when Grandmother would talk like this. "But Grandmother, how can I be fated for it? I'm too stupid and kind and…"
"You may be an idiot," she said as she tousled his hair affectionately, "And you are very kind. But never let anyone tell you that it is a weakness, Gourry. All of the greats who were fated for the Sword of Light were kind and tender hearted. But hard people like your father and Gunther don't understand that."
"You mean the Swordsman of Light was like me?" Gourry asked incredulously as he looked at her.
She wrapped an arm around him, "Yes, dear. She was."
A rustling sound brought him out of his reverie, and he looked to his left to see a young woman emerge from a large tree. He nearly stopped in his tracks as he wondered for a wild moment if his eyes had played some sort of trick on him. He'd heard stories of wood nymphs but he'd never put much stock in them. Still, for a minute he wondered if she could actually merge with the tree before deciding that a tree so large much surely have had some hiding places. Her style of clothing indicated that she was a Shrine Maiden and not a nymph.
Still, she seemed oddly at peace in this strange forest as she brushed the dirt off of her leggings and then stiffened a bit as she realized she wasn't alone. He averted his eyes as she looked at him. He noticed a blush form on her cheeks and felt a strange desire to say something to her. Perhaps he should ask about the Swordsman of Light? And then let it slip that he was a descendant and that he had the legendary Sword of Light and perhaps she would think that was impressive and then he could…
Act just like Gunther.
The thought stopped him cold and he kept his eyes on the ground as he continued to walk forward with his mouth shut. Soon she joined him on the path and to his surprise asked, "Is this your first time visiting Sairaag?"
"Um, yeah." He said.
"Welcome to our city. It's not too much farther. If you continue on the main road you'll eventually find the Old Sairaag Inn. A family friend runs it, and there really is no better place to stay while you're here."
"Thank you." Gourry said as the town appeared before them. They walked in silence for a moment before she said a quick goodbye as they approached a fork in the road. Gourry continued down the road convinced that it would be the last he would see of her. As the loneliness rose once more to claim him Gourry marveled at the fact that even after all this time that the pain of solitude was still as sharp as ever.