'Meet me at the annex now for the start of groceries.'
He sent her a message on their phones for the mission, groceries being coded for their missions to start. He wound up there early, waiting for her. She did come, of course.
But as much as he'd told himself to focus only on the mission...his thoughts could not be turned off the entire time since she left.
He was as focused on this answer as any mission.
He needed to know. To know if there had been someone in him before... before all the emptiness. If there was something more to him. It was eating away at him.
She got close and he moved to intercept her, trying to appear casual to lingering eyes. But his steps were heavy, purposeful, and his eyes held a murderous gaze. One he hadn't directed towards her before... At least not since he'd taken her on as his personal charge.
He leaned down to peck her cheek for the cover, then leaned into her ear. His voice was as cold as his namesake, except for the angry hiss that accompanied it.
"Do you really know what you said?" He asked her pointedly. His metal hand, hidden under the leather glove, wrapped tightly around her wrist, the fingers digging into her skin to keep her in place. Any harder and he'd break her wrist entirely. "Is that my name, or is it a hoax?"
Did he really have one? Even if she was only suspecting it... perhaps it could be true. Or maybe she was so stubborn to make her case she spun a quick lie. He hoped he was making it very clear he wasn't going to accept a lie and she ought to be very careful with her answer. Part of him knew he wouldn't hurt Natalia, but it was buried deep under the deadly fire of the Winter Soldier at the moment.
Natalia walked in the cold, frustrated by the man. She didn't care that it appeared to be cruel to leave after revealing such a thing, but she couldn't help herself. She was frustrated and it was the best for their covers. She would fight him back if he attempted to hurt her. She might not stand long, but she still would keep her head long enough to cause some severe injuries. The redhead enjoyed the chill air on her skin, which helped her calm down and keep her distance. She had done too much to stay out of it entirely, though.
The redhead arrived as discussed. Her steps were light and almost made no noise. She watched him from afar for a moment before stepping closer again. He had spotted her and he walked towards her. It was different than usual. It was typically directed at his targets and she had seen it before. Perhaps she should have been scared, but she wasn't. This was what she had wanted - not directed towards her. But it seemed like he was finally starting to ask questions.
His fingers dug into her skin and she was sure it would leave bruises. But she didn't flinch even though the pain pulsed from her wrist through her arm and hand. But simply met his eyes with a cold stare of her own. She knew what would come with him thinking that she might be lying even though it wasn't one.
"Let go off my wrist! You want answers and I have them. Just ask the right questions for once!" she hissed at him, almost sounding like she was ordering him around and continued "We both know I last through torture, so stop this, now! If you break my wrist, you have lost your chance to get information from me. I give those to you voluntarily because I do want to help you. But don't get on my bad side, Soldier! I don't care for my wrist; it will heal. But it might benefit us both to stay civil over this. I understand that this is important to you. But I won't give you more if you keep threatening me, Winter."
Natalia held his gaze for a moment, trying to figure out if he was finally starting to ask the right questions or any question at all. Finally, she attempted to pull her wrist from his metal arm.
"It took you long enough. But yes, that's your real name, James," she whispered truthfully and added, "I'm not that cruel. Have you never wondered why responding to that name comes so naturally? I tried telling you that I have answers before, but you're not listening to what I'm saying one bit! So I had to make a point and believe me one thing: You're really frustrating, James."
His eyes harshened as she hissed; she shouldn't speak in Russian now. It would endanger the mission if overheard. It was a distinct language. But his focus could only last there so long. His teeth grated as she threatened the information to be kept from him. Sure she could last a while, but he could... he shook those thoughts. It was ridiculous to even think it; he wouldn't torture Natalia.
"It was not a threat," He said low, but he couldn't put much conviction into it. It had been a threat. "I would not have broken your wrist," He said honestly. He knew the pressure needed to break bones, and he wouldn't have.
She put a light pressure on her wrist to break free and he released his grip entirely and lowered his arm. His face twisted as she called him James, looking down at her with desperation. His blue eyes cleared and his iris returned to their average size. No, he supposed she wasn't so cruel. He caught her gaze sharply again as she said that... no, he didn't wonder, just assumed he was a good enough spy too.
But it was easy, wasn't it? He wasn't simply imagining it... it was easy to respond to when people called for him. He looked searchingly at her, trying to put these pieces together. He still couldn't remember anything... but did he need to? If he had a name, if that did mean something to him... if something had been there, then it could still be there as Natalia was, with that fire, even if he did not remember. It shouldn't be a relief and yet it was.
Slowly his usual smirk pulled up one corner of his mouth as she told him he was frustrating. That James was frustrating. It seemed so foreign to think... but knowing he had one felt like a relief. Of course, the comfort felt wrong; still, he knew he shouldn't care for any of this when standing ready for a mission... but he couldn't stop that suddenly.
"Well," He said, measured. Amusement returned to his voice and he finally took a step back from her, getting out of her space. "I suppose I am that."
He glanced up at a car pulling into the lot. He recognized it as his target and swiftly put his arm around her waist to steer her around and into the building so they could be there first.
"Let's do our shopping, Natalie," He said pointedly to her. This could wait until later if needed; the mission needed to be his priority.
Natalia simply rose her eyebrow at him as soon as he declared that he hadn't threatened her. She knew better than to believe him on this one. The redhead knew the difference between a threat and an empty one.
Her gaze quickly went to her wrist as he let go of it. Just a moment, the pain could be seen on her face as she carefully moved her wrist. Of course, Natalia was aware that he knew how much strength he needed to break someone's bones. Yet she wanted to make sure. So despite her own threat, she would've still given him information about himself. Of course, it belonged to him, but her trust would've been broken and that would've caused a completely different dynamic between the two.
Once his gaze was captured by hers, she brought her injured arm up and placed her hand gently on his cheek. "I'm here..." she whispered truthfully. To bystanders, it might look like she caressed her husband's cheek. But in truth, she simply wanted to assure him that she would be there for comfort and help.
His smirk made her relax again. She tensed up once he grabbed her wrist and threatened her. Natalia hadn't even realized that she had been ready to fight him with the slightest movement. But his smile reassured her that there wouldn't be any attacks from his side. Things were more or less back to normal. She was reassured as he took a step back.
Not even a minute later, he wrapped his arm around her and forced her toward the supermarket. It took her by surprise and caused her almost to land a punch against his jaw to dislocate it. She tensed within minutes, but she spotted the car from the corner of her eyes. It was the only thing that made her falter and relax again. They were back on mission.
The redhead wrapped her arm around his back and entered the supermarket with him. "We should buy some plums and other fruits... I cannot ruin those as long as they're fresh," she suggested, at least buying something useful for them.
She seemed to relax while he only tightened up. It was natural; he'd simply unwound after their short-lived confrontation and now had to return his focus where necessary. This was critical to the success of a quiet mission. That was why he forced his muscles to unbind and his gait slow. He knew he needed to seem as relaxed as Natalia was right now.
"You're in charge," He said, looking down at her with a nod. Of course, it could just be talk, but it was true; this was where she needed to put her expertise. To get them where they needed to be to convince the targets into a friendship so they could be eliminated.
Natalia looked over to the car shortly and tried her best to appear relaxed. Given the Winter Soldier's reaction, she was successful. She tried her best to force the tension out of her body, but her mind stayed tense. Her gaze went to his covered metal arm as her mind remained with the potential threat from her fake husband. His prior actions had shown her that she wasn't safe from his threats no matter what he had tried to reassure her. Her mind stayed alarmed even though her body seemed relaxed.
By the first chance she received, Natalia removed her arm from him and moved out of his arm's embrace. This seemed to relieve her more as she grabbed a basket.
"What do you want to have for dinner, darling?" she asked him casually and walked over to the fruits to get some of them. It was the only thing they would be able to purchase without having to throw them away later on. She stood before the plums, seemingly minding her own business, but she watched from the corner of her eye to see whether their targets entered the shop or not.
A few minutes later, Natalia had collected some plums as their targets entered the supermarket. She looked towards the Winter Soldier, wondering when they should approach them without it seeming to be awkward. Natalia scanned the shop to see if she could spot a place where she could approach the wife. Perhaps she could ask for her advice on some mundane things like detergent. That sounded like a good idea. Just asking for opinions. The only thing that would need to happen is them stopping at such an aisle.
She walked over to the Winter Soldier and looked at him. "Anything else you would like?" she asked him, sounding happy and continued just above a whisper "We should ask them for an opinion about some random things... People like talking about their opinion and it might not come off creepy." She looked at him and linked her arm with his to pull him away from the fruits. Her mind was away from what had just happened and set on how to approach the married couple.
Natalia strolled through the aisles, taking out random things they seemed to like. She kept being near the couple and eventually saw her chance to approach the wife. She thought talking to a woman would be easier than engaging the husband. But, of course, that would be the Winter Soldier's task. After all, they shared common interests and the same working space. So it should be easier for them, or at least for James, to engage his boss.
She walked up to the man and wife and stood close to the woman. Natalia reached for a bottle of red wine and acted to read its label like she would be interested if it fits for dinner. Eventually, she wanted to place the bottle of wine back on the shelf. But it slipped out of her hand and fell to the ground.
The glass broke and the red liquid spilled over the ground onto her pants and the woman. Natalia stood there flabbergasted and started apologizing, embarrassed "I'm so sorry! I.. The bottle slipped out of my hand." The woman seemed displeased and cursed. She stepped away from the mess and looked angry at Natalia.
"Oh goodness, I'm so sorry. Of course I will pay for the dry cleaning!" Natalia spoke and looked at her target, hoping he would interfere and offer dinner as an apology.
"Okay," He nodded and walked with her to the store. Every once in a while, he'd glance at the large mirrors in the corner of the store and around the aisles to make sure no one was stealing to keep track of where they were. Eventually, Natalia naturally led them into the same corridor.
She looked over the wine selection and the Soldier slowly followed Natalia with the cart of things they had already picked up. He glanced over, seeing the master sergeant's eyes wander from what his wife showed him. He decided it was best to stay just behind Natalia as she looked pretty convincingly through the wine.
The movement made the target glance back at him on instinct.
"Sir," The Soldier nodded respectfully and it took a moment for the target to place him, but then he stepped back towards the Soldier with a loose smile.
"Private," He responded and took a measured step back from his wife. "Your day off too?"
Good, he liked to converse.
"Yes, and the wife wanted to make dinner for it," He shrugged and the Sergeant broke a slight smile; he shared a knowing look with the Soldier. From watching him thus far, he knew he took many opportunities to complain about his wife with his fellow sergeants. So the Soldier leaned in closer to the sergeant and lowered his voice, "If it was my choice, I'd just pull out the beer and skip all this," The Soldier said under his breath. It received a short but hearty laugh from the sergeant.
"Me too," He said and took another few steps back from his wife and Natalia. "But you know women, they've got to make it all just so so or it's a real war."
He made himself laugh at the mostly offensive joke, and he tried to gauge if this was going well or not. The sudden crash in front of them caused both men to jump; well, the sergeant jumped and he pretended to. Natalia spilt apologies and it must have been a new work if her cover of friendly chit-chat hadn't worked with the woman. He wondered if he should react to protect Natalia from the curses, but the way the target rolled his eyes, he decided to stay put.
"Now, now, ladies," The target said mightily. "No use crying over spilt milk, right dear?" He spoke to his wife and made a rather apparent jerking motion with his eyes back to where the Soldier stood with a glare. He didn't want to be embarrassed, good.
"Are you alright?" He asked Natalia and came up behind her. He was hoping she'd just act upset at being yelled at. But if he could pick up on it, then Natalia must have two steps ago. "You can just send me the bill, sir, it's-" He started, molding his tone to be apologetic. It didn't work as well as he wanted, but it was a start.
"Don't worry about it, I know I make more than you do, and it's just some silly clothing," The target assured, looking quite proud of himself for mastering the situation. The Soldier paid him with a grateful smile and a nod, and his wife beside him sulked a little.
"Well, let us do something at least," The soldier encouraged, so Natalia could offer to make the couple dinner.
Natalia mainly had decided on this new way as a Plan B. She wasn't sure if inviting them in a friendly way would work. But offering such a thing from bad consciousness would be easier. Still, they would have the opportunity to see them again and end things if they were to pay for the bill.
She looked at the Winter Soldier and simply nodded as he asked her if she was alright. Natalia didn't seem upset about being yelled at but embarrassed about her clumsiness. The redhead refrained from apologizing even more but gave up on that part. Instead, she smiled thankful at the male target and mouthed a quick thank you for stepping in. It seemed to suit the man's ego, who seemed proud of himself for successfully stepping between the two women.
"Oh yes! James is right," she chimed in with a gentle smile and looked at the soldier before continuing, "Please come for dinner. It's the least we could do after this incident." She looked hopeful at the married couple, but the wife quickly responded "I'm afraid we don't have time today."
"Perhaps not today but tomorrow evening sounds great. Right, love?" the Sergeant interfered, gave his wife a pointed gaze. and indiscreetly nodded over to James.
"Of course..." the wife gave in disgruntled.
To Natalia, it seemed like he didn't want to get embarrassed in front of the public. It would be enough for them to act friendly and civilly. Some well-placed compliments the following evening would be enough to become somewhat friends. It would be more than enough for them to finish this mission without much drama.
"Fantastic! Then it'll be tomorrow evening!" Natalia spoke happily with a smile. It would give them a day to plan everything and have things ready.
James... he refocused with a hard mental kick. This mission was proving to hold many tricky kinks. He nodded his approval as she looked at him and the target smiled. He nodded firmly back with a smirk which the target immensely enjoyed as he patted his wife's shoulder when she finally agreed.
Good. That was close enough to the plan. It would be easy to work with to the point of time in which they would be killed quietly.
It was decided and he and the master sergeant said their goodbyes before they grabbed an attendant to help with the wine and bought the groceries.
The Soldier couldn't help but feel an awkwardness to the silence as they walked back. Naturally they wouldn't talk of the mission in such an unsecured place and the mission was enough small talk but in the quiet now, he could feel Natalia's tension.
She was wary. Clearly, it would be because of him. Because of his earlier anger. Did he lack her trust now? Or was she simply still angry?
It was difficult to process correctly and even more difficult to process that it bothered him so much. That it nagged at him and made him question everything. He shouldn't care about Natalia's thoughts or how she acted towards him.
They stepped through the house and he decided to help with the groceries. He tried to determine why he cared. Easily an answer could be because he'd made it his mission to train her, to make sure she was efficient and dedicated. But she was all those things and more that she made of herself. That mission was over.
The more he mulled it over, the more he knew it was because... she was the only person he'd encountered to treat him like he was one... a person. She thanked him, held him in a certain regard, asked questions about him and went as far as to somehow find his name. To look for a person beneath the weapon he was. It was all so strange and foreign, not what he should care about. He knew that because it wasn't about the mission or the state.
He tried not to, but the silence wounded him and made her put away the bread so she'd need to stretch to reach it. Just so he could spy her wrist as her sleeve fell back loosely.
A wave of... he was pretty sure it must be guilt; the alien feeling of shame weighed him down a little. He realized he'd bruised her wrist earlier.
While she'd busied herself setting the fruit up in a bowl, the Soldier grabbed a rag and went into the freezer to get some ice. He twisted the rag around it and swiftly turned before he made himself walk extra slowly to her since her back was to him.
Gently as he could, he reached out without hesitation with his metal arm to grasp her forearm and tug it towards him. He didn't leave enough room for her to pull away. Instead he tugged her sleeve up with his right hand and placed the rag filled with ice onto the top of her wrist where a bruise from his thumb was starting to show on her skin.
He grimaced, and now that he'd done that, his grip fell off of her forearm; instead, he simply held the rag to her wrist. He finally glanced up to meet her face, although he didn't quite want to meet her gaze. There was an apologetic frown etched across his face as he took in her own hesitantly now. He didn't know if she'd accept the gesture. To be honest, he hadn't entirely realized he'd hurt her; grabbing her wrist had seemed like such an insignificant action on his part, far from anything violent by his standards, but the bruises he spied somewhat corrected that thought.
Natalia walked with him and tried perhaps too hard to appear relaxed as she actually tensed up again with him being alone with her. Her senses were aware of his presence. She was ready to use anything as a weapon against the man next to her. She wasn't sure if she was dealing with the Soldier or her mentor, Winter. It was weird to think, but to her two personalities were inside his body. One that was much gentler and cared more than the other. That one was plain deadly and people used that as a weapon. She grasped the concept and could see that it would come in handy but was still cruel in a way.
Once at home, she searched for the first best excuse to leave the shared living area. All she wanted to do was inspect her bruised wrist and get away. Just for the evening to sort her thoughts on the whole ordeal of what had happened. In truth, she didn't trust him less, but his action toward her had pained her in a way she wasn't used to. She placed the bread away and desperately tried to keep the sleeve over the bruise. But it slipped down anyway. All Natalia wanted was to keep her physical indication of how much he hurt her to herself. It was the only defense she had and it was foolish. But as long as the enemy didn't know how much they hurt her, she was able to live on. The thought shocked her. Was she seeing Winter as her enemy now? No, not him but perhaps the Winter Soldier. He had proved he would use the force against her in his rage.
Standing with her back to him, she once again was hyper-aware of her surroundings: Listening to his steps and what he was doing. She needed longer than necessary to set the fruits in a bowl. To her, it seemed like she was trying to make a piece of art out of it, but in truth, she was concentrating on the man's steps. Finally, he came closer and she stood unnaturally still as she secretly looked around for what she could use as a weapon.
Her breathing increased almost not noticeably as adrenaline rushed in. She was ready to fight, but his actions caught her by surprise. He took her forearm and placed something on the forming bruise. Even let go of her forearm. She looked at the gesture in confusion and suddenly became somewhat fidgety. The adrenaline needed to be released, but she still stood unnaturally still in front of her. He could feel him study her face, which she tried to keep blank from confusion. Natalia didn't meet his gaze but kept looking at the rag, which must contain ice.
She felt the guilt of her own now. It had been a simple gesture, but she still thought he would do something else. Her guilt made her look down at the rag rather than at him. Natalia didn't know where the sudden distrust came from. Perhaps him holding her wrist had hurt her emotionally more than she was ready to admit. Her whole body language screamed that at her, but she still wasn't prepared to admit it to herself.
Eventually, Natalia looked up, though. Her face tried its best to remove guilt and confusion but instead seemed more like a mask than relaxed muscles. She knew this was some kind of apology based on how he looked at her and she nodded curtly, still not removing her arm from the ice of taking the rag from him.
"Thank you.." she mumbled and Natalia relaxed a little. Her whole body didn't feel as tense anymore, but instead, the tension was replaced by fatigue. She leaned against the table with her hip and took the rag from him. Natalia held her arm long enough that he knew she accepted the gesture, but eventually, her arm grew tired and they wouldn't need to stand awkwardly together.
He felt... unhappy again, or... let down, maybe was the word for it. Like a target slipping away, except it had nothing to do with a mission. Disappointed? He ought to know it wasn't that easily fixed. Whatever 'it' was. Just the air around them, he'd been watching her closely and wasn't sure what he was seeing or what he thought he saw anymore.
She took the rag from him and thanked him and he found himself wondering what to do with his hands now. He looked over and grabbed a piece of fruit from the bowl she'd just made up. He rolled the plum in between his hands for something to do. He felt the need for action, but what he could do here was beyond him.
"I... didn't think I was hurting you," He said honestly, shocked by the tone of his voice. It didn't sound like him; all the gravel and roughness were gone. He wasn't sure he knew how to make it as soft as it had come out. But it was emotional, hesitant and shamed. He looked down, a little angry with his state and looked back up at her more decidedly and spoke plainly. "I wouldn't hurt you, Natalia." He insisted. "I don't want you to think I will now."
He didn't know what this was; he knew it shouldn't be there. But she... was a friend. A friend to him and he suddenly realized he didn't want her to become like the others; he desperately didn't want Natalia to stop seeing something other than the Winter Soldier. He truly believed that she was the reason something different from the Soldier was there. That... that this man, James, with a soft voice and a name, existed so suddenly.
Natalia was about to slip away as he spoke to her. She looked at him, unsure of what to think about his statement. His voice was unusual and she looked at him in surprise. She didn't know why but it made her relax more. There was something about it and she knew he was not lying to her. But she couldn't place what it was.
Slowly she nodded. "It's okay, Winter..." she said eventually and nodded. Her voice didn't lead on whether she knew he lied or not. She listened to him quietly and noted how his voice changed. Natalia sighed and looked at him. Somehow she trusted that gentle voice more than that controlled one. She looked down at her wrist and moved the ice a little. Natalia looked at him.
She listened to him quietly as he went on in Russian. Then, finally, her gaze went back to him and she sighed. "I know that you wouldn't hurt me..." she eventually told him and nodded. Natalia seemed to relax even more and found herself surprised how easily she forgave him or still seemed to trust him. Of course, she would've not trusted every other person, but he seemed different.
He didn't know what to make of her surprise. If he did, he might move to action. But, on the other hand, she was quiet and watchful and he wasn't wholly convinced that she did believe him. She was looking at the ice and maybe making up her mind?
He supposed it was just that simple. That he'd need to wait and find out. She didn't seem to want to run from him or the room. Perhaps it was progress. Maybe he needed to take that. He stopped looking at her now and instead busied himself washing the plum off and then taking a bite from it.
Still, something bothered him... he looked down. Maybe it was his name. She'd said it was his after all. Shouldn't the only person whose opinion, apparently, mattered use it? But he didn't want to scare her away and that dark part of his mind knew this was dangerous. If they wanted him to have a name, he would have it. They would give him one if it was necessary for him to have one.
And yet...this errant part of him yearned for her to use it and have it. It was all dangerous, yet he still stole another glance at her and the words tumbled from his mouth in English.
"You could call me James..." He said quietly in that same emotional voice. It was almost like he was asking instead of offering. He meant her. Natalia, and to him, not as a cover but... just as himself. Not winter or soldier. Yet he knew that if anyone ever heard such a thing or could hear him or his thoughts now, he would be punished. Punished in the worst of ways.
Natalia looked at him. She wasn't sure what to make out of the current situation. It was simply awkward. None of what she had been trained in made sense in this. She looked at him and moved the tag again.
She looked at him and wanted to speak, but he was first. Natalia looked at him and mumbled, "James..." It rolled from her tongue and felt strange. Despite knowing it was his name, it felt odd. He was her Winter, not James, but she was simply used to it. She'd grow used to his name as well. The redhead smiled gently at him and nodded "Thank you, Wi...James. Do you like that name?"
She marveled over the name and decided that she thought it fitted this gentler personality. Natalia strolled over to him and gently placed her hand on his upper arm.
"I know this is kinda odd... But I still trust you. I do know that you wouldn't really injure me," she spoke and her voice grew more serious. Once said, she knew it was the truth. This wasn't how she had imagined things to go. It was simply different and she should've foreseen this to come. "I probably shouldn't have left you without talking. But I was frustrated and needed space. Yet it was a lot to take in," she said apologetically. This was the closest thing to an apology for leaving him alone with that.
She said it, facing him and it seemed so odd. In a way that made momentary excitement rush through him.
"I like having one," He admitted at her question. He wanted to thank her for the information but decided that would only make it her fault if having one ended wrong. So it was better left unsaid. Then the struggle with the statement showed on his face. He should not care. Part of him felt very wrong for discussing it like this, and then part of him decided he didn't care. It didn't impede his mission in any way, and that was his purpose, to fulfill the mission, not please his handlers.
Natalia set her hand on his arm and he looked down and then back to her face. She did so to reassure him... he assumed, as she insisted he did still have that. He thought it was the strangest thing of all to declare trust vocally. But... he supposed he did trust her, too, with certain things that needed to be gone about gently. Again, he didn't know how to reply.
He reached out and waved his hand quickly. "Do not apologize, Natalia," He insisted; this was done for him. She had helped him. "I don't want details. But... you're not in danger over this... are you?" He asked, an eyebrow-raising. That he did need to know. Did he need to predict any trouble and try to get them around it? He'd thought of it earlier, first... that she didn't get this sort of information quickly. How she even did, the Soldier was sure he shouldn't know.
Natalia smiled at him as soon as he mentioned that he liked having one. She couldn't imagine how it was not having one. Somehow a name was part of one's personality and character. So it was hard to imagine and might also be hard for him. She looked down at the ground before meeting his gaze. "It's strangely fitting the name... even though I liked Winter as well. It has grown to me.", she told him with a gentle smile.
His worry made her feel both amused and guilty. He had no idea how much trouble this might cause her and she intended to keep it that way.
"Trouble is my second name..." she joked and continued "Don't worry about it. Keep the knowledge close to you and don't let anyone know, James. No matter what happens. Promise me."
Natalia looked suddenly really serious as she had no idea what would happen if anyone found out that he knew his name again…
"Call me what you wish," He smiled; after all, she created this. Found it, whichever words fit. If she wanted to, he wouldn't protest. He simply preferred having a name to be called by. Who else would, if not Natalia?
He gave her a reproaching look as she joked about it. He'd been earnest about that. His smile faltered and he knew that he could not promise her that. No matter what happened, he couldn't. He had proved his ability to go around a subject if need be... But if they sat him down, demanded his compliance and asked the right questions... he knew deep down the Winter Soldier would comply. He wouldn't promise her something he couldn't. He also didn't want to scare her by laying it out like that. He didn't really want her to understand everything about him.
"I will keep it close and they won't ask such things, quiet your worries," He decided to say and as long as these things didn't get in the way of his mission, that part of his mind that grabbed hold of him sometimes would not be compelled to do anything about it. So he was always careful of that; he had been this far, which hadn't changed because of this.
"It'll be James then. Just not used to having a name to call you, by Mister Soldier," she said with a gentle smile. She recalled one of their first days when she had asked him about a name. He hadn't told her one but to call him Soldier. It made her chuckle and smile in fondness. Even back then, she had secretly liked him. He had made an effort to save her life after all. Natalia had grown accustomed to calling him Winter and would get used to James. After all, she grew used to names pretty quickly because of her missions. Nothing was worse than failing one's mission because of a minor mistake. It mostly had the targets questioning. Well, at least they had told Natalia during her time at the Red Room.
She could see his smile falter and knew he had issues promising her this. He might try to hide it, but she knew him better than he thought. The file had given her an understanding of how the Winter Soldier worked. But years of training with him had given her an insight into his private side. If he liked it or not, they were friends. She might not understand the file fully and still needed to find out which parts were authentic and which were false, but she had an understanding of what was going on.
"I'm not worried about me, James," she told him truthfully and continued "But for you. For what they will do, if they..."
Natalia looked at him in a way that she might know more than she actually led on. If he was as bright as she thought him to be, he would've figured out that she had more information about this man called James Buchanan Barnes. But, of course, she knew they wouldn't ask those questions yet. But sooner or later, the people in the Red Room would catch on that something was off. That they're too close. They might put up with their friends because of their teacher and student bond but nothing more.
He let out a short, breathy laugh as she addressed him as mister soldier. Natalia's smile, as usual, was contagious. He was glad she chose to call him James, though he could only assume that Natalia understood in a way. She probably understood better than he did.
His frown pulled harder as she pressed. He reached out without thinking and cupped the side of her face to reassure her. "I am too valuable to be killed," He said, his voice firm but resigned. He would be punished, yes, but he was used to that. Perhaps he would have to face the cold he dreamt of, but the Winter Soldier was their tool, and they wouldn't get rid of him. It was never over for him.
He lowered his hand then. "I know how they want their soldier, Natalia," He said very quietly and his eyes spoke more than his words in this case. He knew how to hide things from them; she did not need to worry. It was worth the risk to have something like a name.
Natalia looked at him as he placed his hand on her cheek. Despite him trying to reassure her, she couldn't help but worry. She wasn't even sure where that worry came from, but she still did. The redhead looked at him and hoped he was right about how valuable he was. After all of them were disposable and the Red Room had girls in line to become one of the Black Widows. But perhaps he was right. The Winter Soldier was different. They had invested in him and a way to control the Winter Soldier.
She nodded quietly and gave him a smile. She was aware that it was worth a name and more information. That's why she offered to help him and told him so. Everyone deserves to know who they were, unlike what others thought.
"Just be careful, James," she told him and reached for his hand. She squeezed his hand gently before rereleasing it. Natalia turned to the sink and placed the ice inside while moving the rag to dry. Unfortunately, the ice was freezing her fingers by now instead of helping against the bruises on her wrist.
"Just remember that there's more to it than a name. A name comes with a personality and backstory. You might not like all the things to be discovered,"she told him with a friendly smile. But her eyes seemed almost sad. Natalia wouldn't push on it, but she still wanted him to know there was more. If anything, what she wanted from this was for him to start thinking like a spy. To question the information he was given. Even if that meant questioning the motives behind orders or higher-ups.
He nodded to her, but she seemed to end the conversation and he watched her turn to the sink for a moment before he looked down to the fruit still in his hand. He twisted it around one more time before taking a bite. He could at least take that. Things seemed normal once more.
Of course, this was Natalia, so that was not all she had to say. A dark expression passed through his face and he was glad she faced the sink and not him at first. She turned as she spoke to smile, although it did not reach her eyes.
That was dangerous. Maybe all this was a little, but that was more than just some. There was the option that there was more than a simple name behind what Natalia found. It was unlikely; if it were, it was likely a boring tale of a simple life before any of this. He wasn't entirely off the rails to wish for that information, and the Soldier was happy to simply have something to call himself. His loyalties were still to the state; he was still ready to comply, to seek their glory.
He studied her face for a while, his own blank as his thoughts were as he finished the plum. But he did not know, or have, anything to say to it. It was like something just shut off in him when he thought about it and he focused on the task of finishing his fruit.
Natalia was with her back to James. She hadn't tensed anymore, but something made her hair stand on end. She couldn't tell what it was, but her instincts told her it had something to do with how he looked at her. She took her time before turning around, trying to sound casual and relaxed.
She kept smiling even though he didn't reply to her statement. She stepped closer and studied her face again before leaning forward and pecking his cheek.
"Really be careful and don't worry about me!" she whispered like she was afraid that their "home" was bugged. She smiled gently and yawned a little. "I'm going to bed... Good night, James," she said and made her way to one of the bedrooms. She needed some time alone and she wanted to study the file once again. Even though she almost knew it by heart by now.
He blinked when she kissed his cheek lightly. A smile and warmth filtered into his eyes again as she called him James and turned. It was quite the day, indeed. He looked down at the core of the plum, and some odd thought filtered into his mind that it was helpful; the fruit. He dismissed it and tossed the core before moving towards the living area. He'd review the mission's reports again to ensure they had the target pegged completely as they moved into the next phase.
Natalia used some more hours on the file and mostly stared at the picture of the Winter Soldier strapped to some kind of machine with a small picture of a young and happy soldier attached. She mostly just looked at the small photograph. It was weird seeing him on it. He seemed so different. Perhaps even carefree compared to the stoic man she grew close to over time. Eventually, though, she shook her head and hid the file again. Natalia went to bed and lay awake in the dark. Her thoughts were still with the knowledge that she had simply thrown the name at him. He didn't seem to show some kind of recognition. Just anger and irritation followed by gratitude. She hoped she was doing the right thing and that he would understand that it was her way of saying thank you for saving her life years ago.