Disclaimer: Not mine etc. etc.
A/N: This chapter is basically a reworking of Cat Fight Club. I used a lot of dialogue from the show so whatever.
Chapter 4
Kelso sat around his bedroom pacing.
Kelso: I have to get Jackie back but how? Think. Think. (He grabs his head in pain) Ow. Stupid brain.
Casey Kelso walks into his room.
Casey: What are you doing bro?
Kelso: I gotta get Jackie back. How do I do that?
Casey: Little brother, girls want what they can't have, it's human nature. Find a girl that she doesn't like and date her. Jackie will come running back to you, and you might even get a girl fight.
Kelso: (With an excited smile) A girl fight and Jackie? Alright! Thanks bro. But who would make Jackie jealous? Pam Macey? No. The girl from the movie theatre? No, she's dating a basketball player now. (He has an epiphany) Laurie!
Cut to Forman house
Kelso rings the doorbell and Kitty answers.
Kelso: Hi, Mrs. Forman I'm here to pick up Laurie for our date.
Kitty: You mean Eric?
Kelso: No I mean Laurie. Your daughter. Why would I want to date Eric?
Laurie walks down the stairs.
Laurie: Hey Kelso. Ready to go?
Kelso: Yeah.
Kelso and Laurie exit.
Kitty: Oh this is not good.
Cut to basement a few hours later. Donna, Fez, and Eric are sitting on the couch. Hyde is in his chair with Jackie on his lap. They are watching TV. After a few minutes Kelso and Laurie walk in. Everyone looks between Kelso and Laurie and Jackie and Hyde.
Laurie: (with an evil smirk on her face) Kelso, as your new girlfriend, I'm not comfortable with your old girlfriend being here.
Kelso: Jackie do you mind?
Jackie:(with an angry look on her face) No, why would I care if you two leave?
Laurie: (Laurie walks over to Jackie) Hey, this is my house!
Jackie: (Standing up) So what? I am Hyde's girlfriend and he wants me here. (Looking at him)Don't you baby?
Hyde: (smirking) Yes I do.
Laurie: Fine, but you better watch your back.
Jackie: And you shouldn't spend so much time on yours!
Kelso: (smiling) BURN!
Laurie: Kelso!
Kelso: Sorry, I got swept up in the super good burn.
Laurie: Shut up!
Kelso and Laurie leave the basement.
Hyde: (looking at Jackie) Jackie, that was so badass.
He pulls her into his lap and they start making out.
Fez: Yes it was a great burn. Now be quiet so I can watch my show.
Cut to the basement a few days later.
Fez, Jackie, Hyde, and Eric are around the table playing Monopoly.
Jackie: I own the most property than anyone, I'm the richest player, just like real life!
Eric: Jackie I have $970, I'll give it to you if you just go away!
Hyde: Relax Forman. It's better that Laurie being down here.
At that moment Kelso and Laurie walk in.
Hyde: Crap.
Laurie: Kelso next time we go hiking bring a blanket, I think I have a twig in my shorts.
Hyde: What a coincidence. So does Kelso.
Jackie: (whispering to Hyde) You're not wrong. (Louder) Burn!
Kelso: Oh hey Jackie, guys.
Jackie: Oh look it's Michael and his community chest.
Hyde: (smiling) Nice!
Laurie: Kelso when you come over tonight don't wear that stupid unicorn tie.
Jackie: Uh!
Laurie: Oh sorry. Was that a gift from?
Jackie: Yeah, well were those shoes a gift? Cuz they're ugly! (She looks away embarrassed)
Laurie: Shouldn't you be off playing with baby dolls?
Jackie: Shouldn't you be off being a bitch?
Laurie: Oh, I made the little girl say a bad word. (she kisses Kelso) See you tonight.
Laurie exits.
Basement: A few hours later. Just Jackie and Hyde are there.
Jackie: Oh Laurie makes me so mad! I want to rip her hair out and show it to her. I hate her!
Hyde: Babe, as hot as that would be. You can't let her get to you.
Jackie: Then what am I supposed to do?
Hyde: To really piss her off you have to be Zen.
Jackie: Zen? You can't just go around making up words Steven.
Hyde: No, Zen. At peace, aloof.
Jackie: Will you teach me how to be Zen?
Hyde: You can't just teach someone to be Zen Jackie, you can only learn to be Zen.
Jackie: I don't understand.
Hyde: And that is your first lesson.
Jackie: Huh?
Hyde: Jackie if you want to be my student you have to follow my instructions without question.
Jackie: Ok, I can do that.
Hyde: Good. Now (smirking) kiss me.
Jackie: How is that being aloof?
Hyde: WHAT?
Jackie: Ok, ok.
She pulls him to her and kisses him hard. After a few minutes they pull apart.
Hyde: You make a fine student, grasshopper.
The basement an hour later.
Jackie: Whatever.
Hyde: More aloofness.
Jackie: (annoyed) Whatever..
Hyde: I don't believe you.
Jackie: Steven when are we going to move on? I've been saying whatever for half an hour.
Hyde: You can say so much by saying so little grasshopper. Pretend you're Laurie and insult me.
Jackie: Ok. Hyde you're stupid.
Hyde: Whatever.
Jackie: (amazed) Wow that was great!
Hyde: Yeah, now the next part is ambiguity. Say it with me (she says it with him) AMBIGUITY.
Hyde: This way people don't know what you're talking about. Ask me if I want to go to a movie.
Jackie: Steven, do you want to see a movie tonight.
Hyde: That's cool. See you don't know if I mean that's cool I'll go or that's cool no thanks.
Jackie: And that's cool?
Hyde: Whatever...
Jackie: (startled) I am so sorry I got impatient.
Hyde: That's cool.
Donna comes in.
Donna: Hey guys. So Jackie, Eric won't invite me to dinner tonight. So do you wanna like go to the mall or something?
Jackie: That's cool.
Donna: Wait, huh? Was that a yes?
Jackie: (excited) Oh my god it worked! (a beat) I mean, whatever.
She looks at Hyde smiling. He has a proud smile on his face.
Basement: A few hours later. Hyde, Fez, Jackie, and Eric are all in the circle.
Eric: The rest of dinner was so quiet. All you could hear was the vein in Red's forehead thumping.
Fez: Man I'm glad I'm not Kelso. Of course he has lots of sex with whores, and I am still a virgin. Oh who am I kidding I wish I were Kelso.
Hyde: No you don't man. Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deceptions of society but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban clones that anything's wrong man! No wait, that's me.
Jackie: (laughing) I totally just forgot why I was laughing. Isn't that funny?
Eric: Ok, no more for the cheerleader.
Fez: Jackie there is something different about you. Your hair, your outfit, your red puffy eyes.
Hyde: She's Zen man. I've taken her under my wing. (smirking) She's also extremely satisfied.
Jackie: These Oreos are the greatest! (laughing again)
Hyde: (a little embarrassed) It's her first time in the circle.
Hyde gives her an annoyed look.
The basement: The next day. Kelso is sitting in the lawn chair, Fez and Eric are on the couch, and Hyde is in his chair.
Kelso: I can't believe Red would do that.
Hyde: I can't believe Red made you cry.
Kelso: I wasn't crying!
Eric: Yeah, yeah you were.
Kelso: Shut up Eric!
Donna and Jackie enter the basement. Jackie walks over to Hyde, kisses him and sits in his lap.
Kelso: I'm going to find Laurie, she'll kiss it and make it better.
Jackie: Well she'll kiss it but she won't make you any better, at anything.
Kelso: Damn Jackie!
Kelso stomps his foot then leaves the basement.
Basement: About an hour later. Donna and Fez are talking, Jackie and Hyde are reading; Laurie enters the basement.
Laurie: (looking at Jackie) Oh, you again. What did they let kindergarten out early?
Jackie: (still reading) Whatever.
Laurie: Don't you have some lame comeback stored for this occasion?
Jackie: (still reading) That's cool.
Hyde has a proud smile on his face.
Laurie: Oh so now you're little miss cool?
Jackie: (still reading) Whatever.
Laurie: (smiling evilly) Well if you were really as cool as you think you are you would have been able to hold onto Kelso. Now what do you have? The poor little orphan boy with a criminal record and no parents. Loser and the delinquent. How nice.
Hyde looks incredibly pissed off, and Jackie's Zen is completely gone. She growls and throws her magazine down. She jumps over the couch and tackles Laurie.
Fez: Catfight!
Donna: Come on guys stop! (she goes to pull them apart) Oww! She bit me! Jackie hit her in the eye!
They keep fighting.
Jackie: You stupid whore!(punch) His name is Steven! (slap) That's Hyde to you! (punch) He is not a delinquent!
Hyde has a smile on his face, Fez is smiling perversely again, and Donna is shadowboxing.
After a few more minutes Jackie gets up.
Jackie: (kicks her one last time) Bitch!
Laurie runs up the stairs.
Donna: You kicked her ass.
Jackie: (out of breath) yeah, whatever.
Fez: Oh I am so turned on right now.
Hyde punches his arm.
Fez: Ai!
Basement: A little while later.
Jackie is putting a band aid on Donna's arm.
Donna: I can't believe she bit me. I hope she didn't give me like slut rabies or something.
Eric: Jackie I can't believe you hit her in the eye! You're my hero.
Jackie:(looking at Hyde) Yeah, but I guess it wasn't very Zen of me was it?
Hyde: Where Zen ends ass-kicking begins. And that is your final lesson grasshopper.
Jackie: Hey, let's do that thing where we all sit in a circle.
Everyone sits and forms a circle.
Eric: I can't believe I missed that fight!
Jackie: Oh my god! I love kicking Laurie's ass. The next time she says something I'm gonna kick her ass again!
Hyde: (smiling at her) That's my girl!
Donna: My hands look like boxing gloves! I bet I could kick Laurie's ass too!
Eric: Please do.
Jackie: Steven, am I supposed to have this much energy left after kicking someone's ass?
Hyde: Sometimes.
Jackie: (pulling him to her) Well, let's do something with it.
Hyde: (smirking) I am liking you more and more. (turning to Eric and Donna) Now would be a good time to leave.
Hyde and Jackie get up and go to his room. Eric and Donna stay where they are in shock.
After a minute Hyde comes out shirtless.
Hyde:(yelling) Leave!
Eric and Donna run out of the basement door and up the stairs to the basketball goal where Fez and Kelso are.
Kelso: What's up guys?
Eric: Hyde used his scary voice so we had to leave the basement.
Kelso: Why?
Fez: Probably so Jackie can take care of his needs.
Kelso: Uh!
Kelso stormed away angry. Donna, Eric, and Fez stare at him strangely.