\\If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away; remove all roadblocks, barricades
If you can forget there are bandits, dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space
And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your heart and take it back.\\

Somehow, despite all that's happened, Dean expects everything to go back to normal once he and Sam are on the road again. Just like old times, he thinks, but it's not. They've got four years, the disappearance of their father, and the death of Sam's girlfriend between them now, and it's all adding up to a chasm that leaves Dean breathless just thinking about looking down into it. Sam's got walls in places Dean's never seen before, Dean's got dozens of scars that Sam was never there to witness, and he wonders if they'll ever go back to being brothers.

It hurts him because, for one weekend, he felt like he had his brother back. Then Jessica died, and though Dean wanted Sam back, he never ever wanted him like this. Sam just. . . closes in on himself. Dean snarks at him to get him riled up, what, is it that time of the month already?, and sometimes it works, but even then he can tell by Sam's eyes that he's never fully distracted.

When Sam starts talking about his friends back at Stanford, something clenches in Dean's stomach, but he's honestly happy, because Sam's finally coming out of it. If the reason for that is because his little brother is thinking about eventually going back there, well, he can live with that. For now. As long as Dean can see him laugh once in a while.

Then Sam gets broody again, and it hurts Dean to see him hurting and not know why the fuck it's happening. He knows Sam has the dreams about Jess, but he thought they'd tapered off; at least, he hadn't been any more emo than usual the past few months.

When Sam tells him about the visions it's like a slap in the face for both of them, because Dean knows, he can immediately see what this means in his little brother's mind. He laughs it off, makes an offhand remark about gambling and Vegas, but inside he knows he's just avoiding the issue.

Sam has always wanted to be normal, and despite his upbringing he's kept to the belief that he could be, given half the chance. When he takes that chance it blows up in his face, but when the smoke clears he's still got the same thought in his head, that he can have his normal as long as he gets rid of the thing that would deny him it. He holds on to that belief through the prophetic dreams, because shit happens, and he can move on. But the visions are another story; they're like fate is laughing in his face, telling him he can never have what he wants.

He can never go back. He can never be normal, not with the visions. Dean realizes this the same way Sam does. He sees the way this little brother starts to shut down again, and he knows he has to do something about it, before Sam becomes something neither one of them wanted him to be.

They're broken, Dean knows. Nothing can fix them; not revenge, not living a happy, normal, safe life like Sam thinks he wants. He also knows people break all the time--all the damn time-- and damned if he's going to just let them stay like that and eventually break themselves even harder.

They're both broken, but maybe, he thinks, they can fit their shattered parts together and create a new whole.

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And that's it for now, guys. . Thank you for sticking with me, and be sure to check out the fanmix on my livejournal. You can find a link there on my profile. Any and all comments appreciated!