Chapter Three
I suppose the biggest problem in taking Hisoka out lies in the difficulty of deciding where to take him. Like I said, I do not consider myself to understand him very well, and this is only confirmation of that fact.
If I wanted to take him somewhere within the normal context of Valentine's Day, I could only assume that I should take him for a movie or something similar.
But we weren't really celebrating Valentine's Day.
Putting that obvious point aside, I still doubt that it would be a good idea. Hisoka would have fits from his empathy if he were to stay confined in a theatre crowded with romantic couples. It is, needless to say, hardly the ideal way to spend a holiday. I wish I could have taken him, though; Hisoka most likely hadn't had the chance to step into a cinema before. At the very least, it would have been somewhat of a novelty for him. Still, novelty in the form of a bad experience tends to lose its appeal.
"Hisoka, where would you like to go?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I don't know." I wasn't surprised at his answer. Spending most of your time in a dark cell wouldn't make you the most knowledgeable person when it came to entertainment, or for that matter, anything that concerned the outside world.
What does Hisoka like? He likes…
Reading. He reads almost every minute of his free time, going through almost every kind of book in the library, and almost seeming to drink in every word as he goes along. He just seems to be one of those who can really get absorbed in the worlds that were written in words.
Was it his way of searching for a better world for himself? A way to experience what he never had? Maybe he felt it was his only chance to feel what being normal was like.
Perhaps that was the answer I've been looking for all along. I didn't need to take him anywhere. Just by being among other humans, observing how they went on with their lives, seeing the real world…it might actually be what he really wanted, a chance to be normal.
"Hisoka? What if we just walked along the streets? Would that be all right with you?"
I watched him nod indifferently. It was rather strange to see Hisoka hold a teddy bear in his arms, it just didn't seem like something that Hisoka would be caught dead…or alive, doing. But it also looked right, as if the teddy bear belonged where it was now, in his arms. A perfect blend, and somehow it reminded me of anything soft, fuzzy, and warm.
Warm…if only I could see warmth in his eyes.
I smiled to myself. It didn't matter. I 'm sure Hisoka will experience what it feels like one day. That feeling of being wrapped up in comfort and contentment, even if it's from something as simple as holding a cup of warm cocoa, touching the soft, yet rough texture of a newly baked loaf of bread—just all the little things that can make you warm up from inside.
Does Hisoka know what it feels like?
"Let's go, Hisoka." I want to let him feel what it's like.
He looked up at me and said, "You never plan anything in advance, do you?"
I laughed. Seeing him with the teddy bear in his arms—maybe he already knows what it feels like.
"Whatever for? We're on holiday." I want to let him experience it more frequently, let him open his eyes to what was truly beautiful.
"Baka."
It just takes time, and he's already taken that first step.
Meeting Ameko—remembering Kazusa, so alike, and yet very different.
I'm glad that I met them, glad to have them step into my life—into Hisoka's life.
I'm glad that he came into my life.
We visited every shop that caught our interest, or more importantly, mine, since Hisoka didn't particularly mind where he went; bakeries, florists, and bookshops, because I knew that Hisoka liked them. He lost himself whenever we walked into one, his eyes roaming the shelves of books on display almost hungrily.
I suppose that everybody has to have something that they really like. For me, it's anything sweet, for Hisoka, it has to be words; lines upon lines of words written on paper.
We were passing by a music shop when Hisoka stopped for a while, his head tilting slightly as if he's trying to listen to the soft melody that hummed in our ears. I listened as well, and I feel that the music suited him. Soft, quiet, peaceful, and still managing to be unrestrained—thoughtful yet holding more than a hint of fire and life in it. Like Hisoka.
"You like music?" I asked.
He looked startled, a quick flicker of emotion flashing past his eyes before he shook his head. "No…not really. Just curious."
Just curious…As we walked past, I glanced over my shoulder to see him casting one last look at the shop, his eyes still holding the slight pensiveness they had when he was trying to grasp the harmony he heard.
I've just learned something new about Hisoka.
As it was Valentine's Day, it was impossible for us to avoid the couples that flooded almost every street. Right now, we were sitting in a small café, mainly because I insisted. It produced marvelous apple tarts.
There was a couple opposite us, and they were exchanging gifts. The man had already unwrapped his and was strapping a watch over his wrist while telling the woman across him how much he loved it.
She smiled happily and at his urges, slowly unwrapped the layers of wrapping paper, taking her time as she did so. Finally, she lifted a tiny pendant from the box, gently fingering it, holding it up in the light to see it sparkle as it caught the rays.
She laughed and said thank you and that it was the most beautiful present she'd ever received.
They were so happy together.
"She didn't really like it."
I looked at the boy sitting across me in surprise. Hisoka had his hand on his chin, and he was also looking at the couple, but he seemed disapproving.
"She didn't like it but she lied and told him she did."
He turned to face me. "Why? Why not be honest with each other? If she let him know that it wasn't to her tastes, he could go change it for her or something. Keeping quiet is just…foolish."
I studied the couple. They were laughing happily and speaking of their plans for their future. No one would have known that she didn't really like what he had given her.
"She didn't tell him because it didn't matter to her," I told Hisoka gently.
"But…"
"Tell me, Hisoka? Is she happy now?" She certainly looked happy. The way she held herself, how her eyes glowed when she looked at the man opposite her, the sound of her laughter ringing through the air—those things told me that she was happy.
Hisoka watched her quietly for a moment. "Yes…she's happy."
"Then it's all right."
"But…" Green eyes were narrowed in confusion.
"She knows that he likes the present she gave him, and so she's happy. She's with him, and that makes her happy as well. She knew that he probably spent a lot of his time in choosing that present for her, and even if she doesn't really like it, she's still happy."
I smiled at Hisoka. "Am I right?"
The confusion in his eyes did not fade. "Yes, but I still don't understand…if she had told him the truth, he would know more about her…"
"Aa." True, if she had told him, it would help him understand her better. "She doesn't want him to know that way."
He blinked at me in puzzlement.
"She wants him to understand without her telling him. I supposed he does too. Learning about the other through actions isn't the same as simply having him or her telling you."
I grinned. "I think that it's nicer to have people find out for themselves, don't you think so?"
He stared at me flatly. "Idiot. You know it doesn't make sense."
But it does. I know it does, and by the look in his eyes, I know that he knows too.
He didn't tell me. Like her, he didn't say anything.
But I already knew that he was entranced by the soft melody that was so like him.
So like Hisoka.
Hisoka glared at me as I ran across the street. "What took you so long?"
"Nothing!"
He frowned. "You probably let yourself get distracted by another one of those sweet shops, didn't you? Tatsumi-san said not to overspend…"
"I won't! I promise!" I knew he wouldn't believe me, which he didn't.
"Really?" He eyed the bags that I held, and I admit it, desserts were almost the entirety of their contents.
But Hisoka liked music. And so, in one of those bags, there was music as well.
He gave me one last look and sighed in resignation. "I'm not taking any responsibility when Tatsumi-san explodes. Where to now?"
This time, at least, I knew where I wanted to go. Holidays always felt so short. Already, the sun was setting in the horizon, and night always succeeds sunset.
I knew where I wanted to take Hisoka.
"Follow me?" I asked.
"Where are we going?"
"Can't tell! I want it to be a surprise!"
He looked at me suspiciously. "Don't be an idiot! I am not going with you just like that! Unlike certain people, I do want to find my way back. "
I feigned my most wounded look. "I really know where I'm going!"
It was getting rather hard to convince him. "No."
"Please…please, Hisoka? Please?"
I think he's getting a headache from this. "Fine! But if you get us lost, I'll kill you!"
"You don't have to worry about that!" I really know where I'm going.
He closed his eyes in some attempt to assure himself. "Just by saying that, you've successfully made me worry."
"You're mean…"
"And you're an idiot. Why don't we get moving now?"
You're mean…
And you're an idiot.
It sounded right…and strangely, nice. Like everything else that concerns Hisoka, it's right.
I wish that this wouldn't come to an end.
"Where're you taking us? Baka!" Hisoka yelled furiously.
All right…I think I've taken a wrong turn somewhere. But I don't think that finding our way back is going to be very hard, so…
"I knew I shouldn't have trusted you to this!" he fumed, "And now we can just spend the next few hours in the dark because of your wonderful sense of direction!"
"I'm soooorrry, it must have been some small mistake somewhere…" He's really close to exploding, if he hasn't already.
"Fine! Small mistake! Where are we supposed to go now?"
I pondered that for while. "Uh…up?"
He stared at me incredulously. "What?"
I wonder what's so wrong with my suggestion. "That was where I wanted to take you…"
I could almost hear him gritting his teeth. "Up…well, I supposed there really isn't much of a difference, since we're lost anyway."
I couldn't find an answer to that. We were lost. So all I did was continue walking, with him following behind. I really wanted to reach out and take his hand; it was terribly dark, and he might trip…but I don't think he would appreciate it. No need to make him even more irritated than he already was.
If you haven't guessed already, we've been fumbling around the hillside for about the past hour or so. The thought of getting lost didn't really occur to me. After all, when one climbs a hill, all you have to do is go up. How difficult could that be?
It turned out to be a lot more difficult than I thought.
I stopped in my tracks, almost causing him to knock right into me, which in turn led to another barrage of angry mutters.
"What is it now?" he snapped.
"I think we're here." I looked out into the vast expanse of darkness, its only illumination being the few pinpoints of light that told me there were other people below.
It was a place where you could see far, far beyond, and that was what I wanted.
He looked around, and gave me a pointed glare when I sat down on the grass.
"What do you want to do around here?" he demanded when I beckoned to him to join me, then pulling him down beside me when he didn't make a move.
"Surprise!" I chanted.
No answer.
"Just wait for while…a little while, please?" I turned puppy-dog eyes towards him. The effect was somewhat lost on him.
I honestly believe he must have been taking private lessons from Tatsumi. How else could he perfect Tatsumi's trademark skill of being so heartless?
"Please…"
"Shut up." His patience was wearing rather thin.
"Just for a little, little while."
He took a few, deep calming breaths. "If you don't shut up right now I'm definitely getting up."
"Sankyuu!" I knew he would relent eventually; everybody did, even if it was only to stop me from pestering them.
The shadows that fell across his face gave him a partial cloak of invisibility, and much as I tried, I couldn't see his reaction to my obvious enthusiasm. But all I have to do is close my eyes, and I could see the rolling of his eyes skyward, the diminutive tilt of his eyebrows, the slight frown…and everything else that said that he thought me an idiot.
It didn't matter. It didn't matter if he thought of me as nothing more than a fool, somebody who couldn't grow up even after a century's worth of experience and life. Nothing mattered, because he chose to stay with me.
Maybe he'll leave, like everybody before him had.
But there was one thing I would always remember, even if he left me eventually.
He had stayed longer than anybody else.
I smiled to myself. No one else would stay that long, no one except nee-san. She was always with me, is always with me, and will always be with me. Always. I miss her. She used to sit with me whenever I asked her to, used to hold me and say that she loved me more than anyone else.
I've seen her crying for me, and it hurt me to know that I've made the person who loved me the most shed tears for me.
Nee-san will forever have a special place in my heart.
Strangely, the person next to me reminded me of the most important person in my life. Why? They were not alike at all. Hisoka was distanced, reserved; not like nee-san, so open with her love and affection. Nee-san gave all she had freely; Hisoka hid himself in his own world, never giving, never taking.
But this feeling I have when I'm with him…and suddenly I knew, knew without doubt, knew with all my faith and certainty…
I never want to see Hisoka cry for me like nee-san did. Never, never want to make him cry.
The sound of people cheering below shattered the momentary peace, and I let go of nee-san and her smiles. Tugging on Hisoka's sleeve, I exclaimed happily, "Watch, Hisoka! Just watch!"
True to my expectations, he tried to tug his arm out of my grasp, scowling as he did so. "Let go of me! And what am I supposed to watch…?"
His protests faded when what I've wanted to show him finally began.
Rain, rain in all shades and hues, falling from the sky in bursts of colours and patterns, falling to the ground and drenching it with its flame and fire.
Nee-san said that these were the shooting stars that were made by men, made to paint the night sky with their radiance, to show us the way in the dark.
She said that they were the shooting stars that lay in everyone's hearts.
I watched as nee-san's shooting stars lit up the face of the person that shared this night with me.
I was right after all. They are the same, nee-san and Hisoka, they both share one thing in common.
They both had shootings stars in their hearts.
Hisoka watched, transfixed as the sky flashed in all myriads of colors imaginable, his eyes wide with awe. The emerald fire in them burned the colour of the sky, one moment blazing a deep green, the other a crimson gold.
He whispered one word softly and almost disbelievingly.
Beautiful.
That was what nee-san had said as well. She said that the shootings stars were always beautiful.
"Hisoka?" I asked tentatively.
He nodded, never once taking his eyes off the night sky.
I gently placed what I've bought him in his lap, not wanting to disturb his short moment of pleasure. He looked down in surprise, and the colours in his eyes softened.
I've bought him music.
I took the musical box from him, and slowly turned the key.
Placing it back in his hands, I let go.
The pages of the book turned, and the music flowed.
Words and music, they were the two things that Hisoka liked.
A book that played music; it was perfect for Hisoka.
"Do you like it?" I asked him.
He turned back to the falling rain. "Like."
That was all. There were no touching words of gratitude, no open display of appreciation, but it already meant the world to me. Just by that one word, he had already given me all the thanks I've ever wanted. The softening of his eyes when he saw it, the acceptance, it was already enough.
The rain stopped falling, and the shootings stars of men were no more, but that was when I saw what I was really waiting for.
Clear, serene, peaceful and unobtrusive; exactly the way I pictured it.
Just a small light in his eyes, the faintest signs of a curve at the edges of his mouth, but it was already the most beautiful thing I've ever seen from him.
His eyes didn't shine, nor was there the glow that people usually associated with a smile. No obvious joy, no heartwarming happiness.
But it was Hisoka's smile, and that alone made it beautiful.
The sky no longer rained shooting stars, but Hisoka still had his, and the music I'd given him sang out into the quiet night.
I looked down when I felt a small weight lean against my shoulder.
Hisoka. Fast asleep.
I pulled my coat over him, and gazed up into the sky. The blazing rains that Hisoka called beautiful no longer fell.
But already, the sky was lit by thousands of stars.
And who needs shootings stars anyway when we already have them in our hearts?
fin