Chapter Seven: Times of Grief
Previous Story Note: Some of this chapter is going to have flashbacks to conversations Kelly had with Abraham and Daryl in the previous two stories. Again, I do not expect anybody to go back and read them, but I also don't want anyone to be confused. Most of these memories are with Daryl while these memories are with Abraham.
Also, in the prior stories I do establish the Kelly has always dealt with nightmares in response to trauma. She doesn't deal with them in the best way, and she never really has. The way she goes about dealing with her feelings are probably not the best, but it is what works for her at the moment.
The sun signals how early it is when we roll up to the gates of Alexandria, Merle is on guard and I close my eyes to prepare myself for the mess that is waiting for us when the RV comes to a stop. We all sit in the RV for a several seconds in silence, none of is wanting to deal with telling our group, our family the shitshow that we are now players in. Rick gets up from the seat and walks towards the door, Michonne and Carl follow, Aaron looks at me when he stands up and offers me his hand.
I had stopped crying on the drive back, now I just felt numb, almost fuzzy. I take his hand with a deep breath and follow everyone out of the RV. Rick, who isn't as shaky as he had been, was asking someone to get Gabriel and a few other men. I step out of the RV and I don't even glance at the people around me, just start walking in the direction of my house. I hear my name come from behind me, but I just keep walking, I just want to go home. I feel something grab at my arm, but I just shake them off, I just want to go home. The hand grabs me again and I can't shake them off this time. "Kelly, talk to me, what the hell happened?" It's Merle.
I turn around and look at him, and I immediately break down again. My knees buckle as my body starts to shake. Merle quickly pulls me against him and keeps me upright as I cry into his chest. More people start coming out to the RV, the town knows something is up. "He took Daryl." I choke out between my tears. "Negan…saviors…. they took Daryl." I can't get the image of a bleeding Daryl being shoved roughly into that van out of my head. "He was bleeding. They hurt him and took him away."
I feel Merle tense under me, but he doesn't let me go. His metal arm digging into my back as his hand presses against the back of my head. I can't stop the tears that fall from my face, I hear some cries starting to build up from where the RV was at, I open my eyes and turn to see some of the people help Rick and Eugene pull the bodies from the RV. "Jesus." Merle breaths as he sees the state of Abraham and Sasha.
"We're going to bury them, then tomorrow I need everyone at the church, 12:00 on the dot. And I mean everyone this time." Rick says to the group that gathered by the RV. "I need everyone. No one misses this meeting." He says as he drops his hands to his waist. He turns and heads towards the graveyard shed, a few other men following him.
"I wanna go home Merle. Just let me go home." I say as I pull away.
"I'm going to help, then I'll be by to see you." He presses a kiss to my head and walks away, wiping at his eyes.
I ignore all the looks as I retreat from the site of the RV, the death and heartbreak that had occurred in the last several hours. I get to the house and lock the door behind me. Typically, the doors in Alexandria were not locked, but I just wanted to be left alone. I kick my shoes off at the door, next to a pair of large, steel-toed boots. The ones Daryl used when he was helping with building projects. I go up the steps, sheading the layers had been wearing on the steps behind me.
I make it to the bathroom and turn the hot water on, leaving all the lights off. I get the rest of the clothes off of me and toss them on the pile that was already by the sink. I lean down and grab Daryl's shirt that rests on the top of the pile from the morning before. I pull it close to my chest as I sink down the side of the tub, crying into the fabric that smelled like him. I scrunch it closer in my hand and see red on my skin, Abraham's blood. I drop the shirt to the floor like it had burned me, I didn't want blood on it. I scramble into the shower and scrub at my hands, my knee where his blood had seeped into the fabric of my jeans and stained my skin. The water at my feet turns a light pink as I rub my skin raw before I fall to the floor again. My knees protest the motion, having been on them the whole night. I fall forward fully and lay my head on the floor of the tub, curing into as much of a ball as the tight space would allow me to. Crying Daryl's name to the tile, just wanting him to come get me.
*/*/*/*/*/*
Rick rolls his shoulders as the last shovel of dirt is gently tossed on Sasha's grave. Tomorrow, tomorrow they would get markers, tomorrow Gabriel would say some words and then Abraham and Sasha would be able to rest. Rick had sent Michonne and Carl to the house, sent most of the Alexandrians away. Now it was just Merle who stood beside him. Rick couldn't help but notice how fitting this was. When he had first met Daryl, he had just left Merle handcuffed to a roof in a walker infested city, now Rick had to tell Merle that he had allowed Daryl to be taken by something worse than the dead.
"How did it happen?" He asks, leaning against the shovel.
"We were ambushed. Taken to a clearing. They already had Daryl, Michonne and Glenn by them. I guess snatched them up when they went looking for who killed Denise. Killed Abraham first, then Sasha after Daryl tried to take a swing at Negan." I let out a sigh at that thought. If Daryl wouldn't have taken that swing the chances of Sasha still being alive and Daryl not a prisoner was pretty high.
"Kelly said he was bleeding?"
"Michonne said they shot him not long after they caught them. But he was well enough to take a swing. I wasn't close to him, didn't really see much."
"What are we going to do?"
"I need to check on Kelly. The rest will wait until tomorrow."
"You need to go home. You're covered in blood, I told Kelly I was coming by after."
"She had a panic attack. Michonne said that. She hasn't had one of those in a long time. I need to check on her."
"Go shower, rest, then come find her." Merle takes the shovel from my hand and signals for me to go.
My steps are firm as I go, the shaking gave left on the drive back. I didn't know what I was feeling now. Maybe nothing. I had to get my head back on right. I had a town full of confused and scared people to deal with. I told them we would have a meeting tomorrow. Give me a chance to figure out what I was even going to say.
My house felt like it had too many stairs as I walked up the porch. Carl was curled up on the couch with Judith laying in his arms. Carl whipped his head up when the door opened, pulling Judith closer, only to relax when he saw it was. "I told Olivia to go home. I wanted to be with her."
"It's okay. Where is Michonne?"
"Shower." He says, laying back down, pushing his still wet hair from his face, the shirt he was wearing showing his irritated skin on his left arm where the black mark had been. Feeling his stomach clench up Rick goes up the steps. Michonne is in the hall bathroom, not the one that was attached to the bedroom they shared. Rick went into the bedroom, finding clean clothes and going to the bathroom, flipping the shower on himself.
The water was warm, not hot. A sign of how much hot water had already been used. This felt like the first shower he had taken after the prison had fallen. While he felt nothing inside the cleansing of his skin was like a bandage that would help mask the injuries to his soul. He had some much to do now, but he felt no motivation to actually do it.
The lukewarm shoer turned cold and Rick got out, drying himself off and pulling on his clean clothes. He left the dirty ones in a pile to be dealt with later. He opened the door and saw Michonne sitting on the bed with a glass of water and a bottle of Advil. Rick sat beside her and took her peace offering, swallowing the tables with all the water in the glass. His body was going to give him hell tomorrow after all it had been through. Plus, his head felt like it was going to explode if he didn't do anything about it.
We sit in silence for several minutes, just taking in the stillness of the house. "What are we going to do Rick?"
"I don't know. Have to let everyone know what happened. If he's coming in a week we…just gotta let them know."
"Do you think they made it to the Hilltop?"
"Yea, they were closer there than we were to get here."
"Rick!" a loud voice yelled from the stairs. I looked at Michonne before I stood up, seeing Merle in the living room. "Do you have a key to Kelly's place? Her door is locked and I can't get in the house short of breaking a window."
"Yeah, in the kitchen closet." I say as I walk down the steps. I had keys to all the houses. They had been in Deanna's house and when she died they came to me. Spares in case someone got sick so they could be locked in, or to be able to get in if someone was hiding something. Most of the time people didn't even have the keys to their own houses since everyone basically kept the doors unlocked anyways. Merle looks a little frazzled, red eyes that kept looking at everything but me. He didn't want to show me how bad he was hurting. Him and Abraham had gotten close these last few months. Bonding over their determination to teach Kelly to shoot straight and their love of poker nights. Then there was also the fact that his baby brother had been taken by a madman.
I open the door and locate the key to Kelly's house and hand it to Merle who thanks me before storming out of the house. I just stare at the rest of the keys. These needed to be stashed away. Last thing I needed was one of the saviors having possession of our only keys. I grab a bag from the drawer in the kitchen and start frantically searching for a marker, something that would draw on the metal so they wouldn't be mixed up in the bag.
"Dad?" a curious voice sounded over the banging of the drawers that I slammed closed. "What are you looking for?"
"Marker, need to hide the keys. Can't let them get mixed up."
"Dad, you can do that tomorrow, you-you need to rest." He says, but I just shake my head. Tomorrow would be too busy. Too much to do, this small thing could be taken care of today. "Dad, you're scaring Judith with all this noise."
"Take her upstairs." I say while pulling a drawer all the way out of the rack and dumping it on the counter.
"Rick." A softer voice says, it was Michonne. "Rick, come on, we can do this later."
"No, now. Just. One thing. My fault. Have to fix it." I say as I angrily shove the random contents of the drawer back into it before shoving it back into the slot and moving on to the last one. I don't get to pull it out as Michonne's hand covers mine, pulling my fingers away.
"Rick, stop. You need to rest. We can address this once you've calmed down."
"It's my fault. I thought we could…I promised these people that it would be okay. And now…Abraham, Sasha, Daryl. We…we knew nothing, Kelly said that. We knew nothing. Yet I ordered us to hit them anyways. It's my fault. And Carl. His arm." Soon the shaking starts again, my words fall in choppy sentences as the reality of everything that had just happens seems to hit me again. I fall to the floor, back against the cabinets. Michonne follows me down and keeps a tight grip on my arm as I press my free hand against my eyes. "My fault."
*/*/*/*/*/*
"Kelly." I hear someone call my name from outside the bathroom door. I was cold, the water had stopped being warm and I had flipped it off with one hand before tucking it back against my body, but I hadn't left the floor of the tub. It was dark, some light steaming from under the door, but it wasn't quiet anymore as more knocking sounded on the door. "Damn it Kelly, answer me."
"Daryl." I whimper dragging my hands to my ears and pressing down.
A blast of air comes through the bathroom, causing me to shiver and the light is flipped on, causing another whimper from my throat as I close my eyes against the pain the light caused. "Oh Kelly." I hear as the shower curtain is pulled back, then a towel is draped over my body before I am pulled from my spot on the tub, my skin sticking to the ceramic from how long I laid there. The person who held me carries me to the bedroom, setting me on the bed, on the wrong side of the bed, I pull the towel closer to me as I shiver again. I head the drawers of the dresser open and closes and then Merle is on the bed and pulling me into a sitting position. I blink at him, my wet hair clinging to my face and cold on my shoulders. He shoves a large shirt over my head and pulls my hair out from under it. Taking the towel away and drying my face.
"Kelly, you can't fall apart like this. It won't help Daryl."
"Doesn't matter. We're all dead anyways." I sniffle as I grab Daryl's pillow and hug it to my chest.
"Come on, lay down. I'll bring you some water and aspirin." He lifts the blankets and shoves me under them. I crawl to my side of the bed, Daryl's pillow still against my chest. Merle had also put me in one of Daryl's shirts. I pull the blankets closer to my chin and suck in a breath.
"Here." Merle says coming back into the room. He shakes out two white pills and helps me take them. He sets the water and a granola bar on the nightstand.
"Can you please close the blinds?" I ask as I burrow back into the bed. He nods and does so and as he goes to walk towards the door I'm hit with a feeling of panic. "Don't go. Don't go please." I say trying to keep more tears from my eyes. "Please stay with me. At least for a little bit. Please?"
I hear his kick his heavy boots off and he crawls onto the bed next to me, on top of the blankets if how they pull towards him is any indication, and lays behind me, tossing his arm around me. I take one of my hands out of the blanket cocoon and grasp his with mine. "I'm sorry. I just can't. How are you doing?"
"My brother's tough, he'll be fine. But we have to keep our shit together until we get him back." His voice is hard and thick, it was the same tone he had used while we were running from the prison. When I had lost all hope of ever finding Daryl or Rick again. Merle had never lost hope that we would find Daryl as we spent days in the woods, the same time that I had met Abraham.
I didn't know who I was hurting more over. At least Daryl was alive. That should make it easier right? But what was happening to him where he was now? Negan was psychotic and Daryl had an attitude problem the best of days. Even though Abraham's end had been horrid, at least he was at peace now, not being tortured. But he was still gone. We'd never laugh together again. We'd never play poker or go on ill-fated shooting lessons again.
"This is all Rick's fault." I say softly, Merle tightens his hold and lets out a sigh.
"No, it's not, and you know it. Just close your eyes for now. Rest."
*/*/*/*/*/*
I push the door of the room open just in time to see Daryl pulling up his jeans, I feel my face turn red and my voice stutters out. "I-I'm so sorry."
"For what? I'm not naked. Hell, girl, act like you've never seen a shirtless man before." He grumbles, reaching for the shirt I think he wore yesterday.
"Um…." I say, as he moves to put the shirt on.
"What?"
"I'm doing laundry, with an actual washing machine. I can wash that and some of your other clothes for you. That is, if you want?" I try not to look at him too much, he was pretty muscled and had broad shoulders.
"Here, you can wash it." He says, holding the shirt at me, but not fully extending his arm from his body. "I have some other things too."
I reach my hand out, but I'm nowhere close to actually being able to grab with since we are still pretty far apart. I shuffle forward a little, trying to give him a hint that he needs to extend the shirt more, but he has a grin on his face, it's an odd expression on him to be honest. I take a larger step towards him and he suddenly tosses the shirt at me. "Nice catch." He says with a smile, I roll my eyes at him, this was all his fault. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a bunch of clothes. Handing all but a shirt to me. "Where is everybody darlin'?"
"In the kitchen, T-Dog is making breakfast."
"Aw, I was hoping you would. You cook better."
"I showed him a few tricks. You should go, get a laugh at poor Glenn."
"Asian couldn't hold his liquor huh?"
"He's Korean."
"So?" I roll my eyes and leave the room, turning from him and walking into a swinging bat that connected to my face.
"Daryl." I gasp as my eyes snap open.
I blink and suck in a deep breath as I calm down from the nightmare.
But it hadn't really been a nightmare. It was the first time Daryl and I weren't sniping at each other or being awkwardly silent around each other. We were at the CDC right before all hell broke loose, I was just gathering laundry. I turn my head and see that Merle is gone. I wipe the sweat from my brow and lay back down on the bed, rubbing at my eyes. I look at the clock on the side table, 10:07 AM. We had only been back a few hours. Ricks meeting was still a few hours away.
I drink the rest of the water from the glass Merle brought in earlier before I fell asleep. I reach for the granola bar, but after a slight rip in the wrapper I don't really want it, so I put it back. I look around the room and end up staring at the open closet door, Daryl's shirts were hanging on hangers, some were on the floor, one was even hanging off the doorknob. We had only been in this house for two days yet we had already trashed some it.
We had never been the neatest people when it came to clothes, our cell at the prison could have been carpeted with how often the clothes missed the hamper and I couldn't be bothered to do the laundry all the time, especially after I became pregnant. I sit back up and crawl towards the closet, grabbing the closest shirt and laying back down on the bed with it. I wouldn't be washing any of his clothes until he was back home. Tucking the shirt under my chin I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
I had gotten to know Abraham a little bit, and even though he was too G.I. especially now, he was a good guy. "When was she born?"
"It's probably around the one-week mark by now. I honestly don't know."
"Where's he father? If you don't mind me asking." He said quickly.
"I don't know. We were separated when our camp was attacked. He's Merle's little brother."
"He have a name?"
"Daryl. He's shorter than Merle and carries a crossbow."
"Glenn's mission is to find his wife. but you don't seem to be on a mission to find Daryl."
I snort and let out a sigh. "Glenn is a dreamer, always has been. I hope he finds Maggie. I really do. But I'm not stupid. The odds of him finding her are very slim, just as slim as mine are to finding Daryl. No reason wasting time on wishing for things that aren't gonna happen." Suddenly the image changes, it's dark, but Abraham is still right beside me. On his knees.
"You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry. Hell, you're all gonna be doing that."
At the second memory to wake me up by taking a bad turn I flipped the covers off of my and sat on the side of the bed, fists buried into my eyes to get the images out of my head. I hated my mind. It loved nightmares. I had always had issues with them since I got away from Phillip, but they always showed up after something life-changing happened. Or that was what Dr. Dryer had always said in his calming voice.
"Like I told you before, the nightmare is an associate form of reliving the real experience. It's to be expected. Psychological trauma often heightens during times of transition."
Negan was encroaching on all the good memories I had of the people he had taken from me. I didn't want to fall asleep again, the last thing I needed was for one of the few memories I had with Sasha being destroyed by Negan. Sasha and I hadn't been particularly close, I had been closer to Tyreese than her, but we had gotten along, she was still family. And she was still dead.
I push myself off the bed with a sigh and go to the dresser and pull out a pair of my jeans and Daryl's socks. I take his shirt off long enough to snap a bra into place and then I tie the loose ends of his t-shirt around my hip. I open the door to the bedroom and I see the trail of clothes I left up the stairs this morning and I bend down and gather them all up, even going into the bathroom and snagging the items that were there before tossing them into my room and closing the door.
My house is quiet. There is a note from Merle on the fridge that said he would be back to get me for Rick's meeting. I glance at the clock in the living room that read 11:24 before getting a glass of water and chugging it in one go before I set the glass in the sink and look around the space. Daryl's boots were still by the door, his greasy rag that he had tossed on the counter the night before from working on the bike was waiting to be picked up again. Which I did before I go into the garage and lay it down next to all the tools that were also waiting for Daryl to pick them up again.
Sasha and Abraham hadn't moved in together yet, they would have stiff waiting on them to come back too. Someone would have to go through their stuff.
I sit on the chair that stayed in the garage for me to sit on while Daryl worked on his bike, the bike he had rode out on, the bike that was probably back in the possession of the asshole that took it in the first place. I feel anger spike under my skin at this thought. Daryl had been a moody asshole for days after that crap in the burnt forest. He had fumed over that bike, and he had spent a lot of his time after he got it back fixing it back up.
I stand up and go over to the toolboxes, Alexandria had a lot of tools and Daryl had managed to find this set about a month after we got here, his name was carved into all the handles so he wouldn't risk them getting mixed into the other mess of tools that were in this town. I pick up a screwdriver and I see his scrawl into the plastic and I let out a yell as I toss it angrily on the ground, soon to be joined by all the other tools I shove on the ground with more screams that break into cries again.
Angrily wiping my eyes free of the wetness again I stomp out of the garage, through the house, pulling my sneakers on, before I slam the house door closed behind me. The streets are quitter than I was expecting, but everyone was probably grabbing some food since Rick's meeting was in about half an hour. I walk over to the church yard and walk over to Shayla's grave, not looking towards the newer section of graves that now had two new bodies in it.
"I'm glad you're not here for this baby girl." I say dropping down to sit on my bottom by her bear. "I'm falling apart here and I couldn't take care of you like you need right now. Maybe it's a blessing that you were taken before we got here. I just wanted to find somewhere safe. Have you found Abraham yet? He met you when you were just a few days old and all you did was cry. But he thought you were cute. He's big like your Uncle Merle and he looked so funny so holding you." I let out a small laugh at the memory of bulking Abraham holding my small baby as we were walking away from the mess of the prison.
"You should be more careful." I look up and jump far back from the huge man with red hair that's in front of me. Merle runs in front of me and points his gun at the man. I pull Shayla out of the wrap again and try to calm her down. Merle starts threatening the man.
"You better back the hell off." He says, his form almost blocking the other man from my sight.
"Relax, in case you were not watching, I just saved that woman and child's lives."
"I was handling it. Who the hell are you?"
"Sergeant Abraham Ford. And you are?"
"Aunt Kelly?" I look up and give Carl a small smile, reaching up and taking his hand with mine. "Merle is looking for you, it's time."
"How are you feeling kiddo?" I ask, looking at his left arm, the black mark that had been drawn on his was gone, obviously scrubbed away since his skin looked a bit irritated in that one place around his arm.
"I'm fine, just…I don't know what dad's gonna do ya know?"
"I don't know bud. But I guess we better go find out." I let go of his hand, kiss my fingers before pressing them to the bear's face like I always do, then pushing up from the ground. I wrap my arm around Carl's shoulders as we walk. He was going to be taller than me by his next growth spirt, it would probably be his last. He had to be mid-teens by now. Hershel had been the timekeeper for us at the prison and after it went down none of us bothered to really keep track anymore. Minus the wonky calendar I figured out to track my periods who knew how much time had really passed.
We walk to the church and Merle is standing outside the door, looking around for me. "I was visiting Shayla." I say as we walk up to him. He nods and follows Carl and I into the church. I take a seat towards the back of the building, Merle and Carl on either side of me. The feeling in the air more tense than the last time Rick had called a town meeting. The church was fuller this time too, everyone was here, even some of the smaller kids, there were only about 4 left now. We had lost so many people when the wolves and walkers got in.
Rick comes in almost last; I glance at him as he walks in, Michonne right behind him. They both look better than they had earlier this morning, but Rick still had dark circles under his eyes, his arm had some white bandages on them, but his posture was wrong. He was stooped over in his shoulders, his walk was off, his lower back and knees probably felt like mine did. He stands at the front and looks around at us a few times before he starts, filling in the blanks, but only hitting the high points. Just needing them to understand how bad everything was without scaring the crap out of everyone.
"We ran into the Saviors. They blocked the roads, herded us right where they wanted us. We met their leader, Negan. He killed Abraham, Sasha, he took Daryl." Merle squeezed my hand and I lowered my head at the eyes that were suddenly looking in my direction. "I had to take his deal. Or he was going to kill all of us who were there last night, and then he would have came here and taken it all anyway. Probably killed everyone here too. The deal is better."
The people start whispering to each other, looking around the room, some out the windows like Negan was going to just pop inside the gates like a boogeyman. "What kind of deal?" A man asks from the crown, I look up and see James standing up, his hand held by his wife Shannon who looked confused and scared.
"Half of our supplies." At the eruption of protests and shocked voices Rick raises his voice, motioning for everyone to calm down. "Look, I know this isn't what any of us want to happen, but this is our way of life now. The more we fight back, the harder it will be." I feel my middle tighten at Rick's words; he was using Negan's words. The words that sealed out fates.
"What happens if we don't do it? I mean, this is our stuff. We can fight them from in here, safe, like what we planned." Another voice calls, no one stands up, but his voice is joined by others agreeing with him.
"He'll kill someone. Most of you weren't there last night. You didn't have to watch as Negan lifted a baseball bat and murdered Abraham and Sasha. But you can't ignore this. We work for him, give him half our supplies and we live. The Hilltop has been living with this deal for a long time and they are doing well. Sooner or later, this will all even out for us too. But we have to work together. We all have to be in on this. You can help with this or someone else dies, or you can help solve this."
"What if we hide more of our supplies? Like what we hid at the evac points, make it look like we have less when he gets here, then we won't be hurting as bad after he's gone." Laci stands up from her seat. Laci was a tough lady, the best in the training class, she even helped Sasha out with her classes some days. I wonder if she would take it over all by herself now.
"I thought about hiding some of the guns. I did it before. I figured I could bury some out there.
Maybe we don't touch them for years. But what if the Saviors find those guns? What if we run into them when we have those guns on us? One of us dies. Maybe more than that." Rick says, sounding more and more exhausted as this meeting went on.
"You said before we could beat them. Why the sudden change of heart?"
"We just went after an outpost before, and we did take them out. But the Saviors have more than just that outpost. They have numbers, more numbers that I have ever seen in a group. Doesn't matter how many bullets we have. Even if I put a gun in everyone's hands and we fought them when they come it isn't enough."
"How are we gonna get out of this, Rick?" Eric stands up from his place beside Aaron, who seemed to be tugging his boyfriend back down.
"There is no way out of this. Let me put this to all of you as clearly as I can. I'm not in charge anymore. Negan is."
The church slowly empties after all the questions are answered, I stay sitting until the place is empty, I even told Merle and Carl to go. By the time I stand up it is just Rick, Michonne, and I in the building. I look up when they walk up to me. "How are you doing?" Michonne asks, reaching for my hand. But I snatch it back as I stand up, looking at my brother and the anger I felt in the garage comes bubbling back under my skin.
"Kelly." He starts, maybe sensing my shift in demeanor.
"Don't." I say abruptly. "I told you Rick, I fucking told you this would happen." I grit out. I stood in this very room, in front of all these people you just damned and said that attacking that outpost was a stupid idea."
"Kelly, take it easy-." Michonne starts.
"No, Michonne. I' not going to take it easy on his when this is all his fault!"
"It was a community decision." She says.
"No, it wasn't. He stood up there, filled all their heads with the bare minimum of information, brought up the damn wolves and played on this community's fears. All to get his way. Well congratulations Rick. I hope you're fucking happy with yourself." I say as I storm out of the church, leaving Rick behind with sharper and cruller words than I think I had ever spoken to him in my life. I had wanted to hurt him, making him feel what I was feeling.
Regardless of how Michonne wanted to spin it, it was Rick's fault. Not only had be taken on the Savior's headfirst, but he had also wrapped us up in the Hilltops mess for no reason.
I make my way to the gazebo, not really meaning to head there, but I didn't want to go home right now, being back in that house with all of Daryl's stuff wouldn't help me or my mood any more than staying in that church to hash it out with Rick would have. I was pissed. Pissed and scared out of my mind.
Last time I had felt like this was when we knew the governor was going to attack the prison, but we had had a plan then. I had a place to go, a job to do. We had all gone into that battle not really expecting to come out on the other side of it. It's that fight that lead to Shayla. Daryl and I hadn't bothered with protection since I figured we were going to be dead the next day. But this time it felt worse too. Still hopeless, but the doom that was hanging over the place like fog promised of a slower death. The Governor would have just shot us and been done with it. Negan would kill us brutally, possibly even slowly like he had Sasha. Letting her linger between hits that didn't kill her right out. I sigh and kick a rock into the water.
I needed to do something to distract myself.
*/*/*/*/*/*
Walking into the pantry and armory felt different this time. I pull the clipboard off the wall and scan over it, knowing this was the modified version since a lot of our food and some of our guns had been stashed outside at the evac sites. Most of the community knew we had stashed food, I don't think any of them knew we had stashed guns outside the walls, just the stashes around Alexandria. I sit at the desk that held all my herbs that I needed to tend to soon and looked over the ledger. Trying to figure out a way to smudge the numbers a little more, hide a few more caches outside the walls. Rick had a point with the guns, if the saviors took all we had on the ledger and suddenly finds one of our scavenger groups with more he'd be pissed, especially since a lot of the guns we had stashed outside had come from the outpost. He couldn't find us with those.
I look up when the door opens and I see Oliva walk in, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hands. "Hey." I say when she looks up at me.
"Hey. What are you doing?"
"Trying to find a way to fudge more of these numbers. Problem is we don't know when they are going to show up. I think he said a week out there, but I don't really remember. Last thing we need is to stash food outside and be caught carrying it back in."
"Could we hide it in our homes?"
"No, we'd run into the same issue of not having enough on hand. Some people can't control themselves around the supplies, hence the ledger." I sigh and set it down. "I think we've done all we can with the food." I stand up and go through to the armory, Oliva following after me.
"Rick said to leave the guns alone."
"I think we might be able to do something with these though. Do you still have the original records?"
"Yeah, I was going to burn them, haven't had the chance yet." She says as she pulls the loose paper from the bottom of a toolbox that held the spare ammo boxes.
"Did we mark what all came in from the outpost?"
"Yeah, they're all at the bottom." She shows me the paper. We took mainly big guns from the outpost; we had several side-arms already so they weren't really a priority.
"Maybe we could stash more of the smaller guns, not the outpost guns though, we leave those alone."
"Some of these went to the caches outside."
"I know, and I think we need to add more sidearms to those. Who all knows about the full supplies of the caches?"
"Not many, most know about the food, but most people who were helping set up defenses were putting them in the locations inside."
"We'll need to gather them up. Last thing we need is some trigger-happy or jumpy idiot shooting one of the saviors. Laci was pretty riled up at the meeting.
"Her and Sasha were pretty close." Olivia says crossing off something on the original ledger. "Look Kelly, I don't want to go against Rick on this. If he says not to hide guns, I don't think we need to hide the guns. If anything, we need to make sure the new ledger matches up to what we have in here."
"Okay." I say giving up easily. It was a long shot anyways. If Negan came tomorrow, took half the guns, then found one of our scavenging groups with guns that somehow hadn't been there last time heads would be smashed on the ground again. Probably mine or Oliva's since we kept track of all the crap that came in and out of this place. "I'm going to finish the herbs up from the other day. They're probably ready to be canned up. Get the ends in some water to sprout."
I walk back through the door to the pantry section and sat back on my chair, placing the clipboard out of my way I pull the string and the overhead light turns on as I pull my hair into a bun on the top of my head. I had a small stash of hair ties at my desk since Daryl liked to give the ones I kept at the house away to other women. He liked my hair down; he had told me many times and I tried to let it down as much as possible when around him. But I didn't want to fight with constantly brushing it back when I was messing with herbs that people were going to be eating or drinking. I didn't want a hair in someone's tea a month from now.
I work most of the day away, Olivia leaves and comes back a few times, Aaron and Merle come in and out with the guns that had been stashed around the town for Olivia to get the guns back up on the walls and accounted for. I didn't see Rick, but I had heard him outside a few times, talking about altering the guard shifts since Abraham and Sasha were gone and three others were at the Hilltop. We were down five guards for the fence. I turned my radio up a little louder when I had heard him, the crappy CD skipping over the best part of the song. But I didn't want to see Rick right now, I was still so angry at him.
*/*/*/*/*/*
"You could come to D.C. with me." Abraham says, his voice dropping lower than normal.
I look up at him and I finally notice how we were laying. I swallow and give him a smile, trying not to let the sudden discomfort show. "Like I said, I don't know what I'm going to do." He reaches a hand out and pushes my hair from my face, I feel my heart speed up and my chest tighten.
"I would protect you. you and Shayla. We are going to be moving for a long time. No worries about massive hordes tearing though while we sleep." As he talks he moves closer, soon I can feel his breath on my face.
"Abraham, I just…. I don't think…."
"Please?" he says as he leans all the way forward and kisses me as my eyes close at the contact.
I close my eyes to clear the tears, the hand in my hair pulls my face back up with a sharp tug. "Come on sweetheart." The cornfield vanishes and Negan's face swims before my eyes.
"He was going to do something stupid." I choke out, not knowing if he could even hear my words since I wasn't even sure I had said them out loud. But his smile seemed to grow as he laughed again.
"He was going to do something stupid." Another chuckle. "Get her back in line." Negan stands up and I'm drug pulled sharply up and dropped back in line, but I was closer to Abraham's body than I was before.
I sit up straight on the couch as Abraham's headless body flashes behind my eyes. I rub my eyes at the sting of tears that try to fall down my face again. I fling my legs over to the floor and I stand up from the couch. I had just come in here to rest; my back was killing me from being bent over the bench all day after being on my knees most of the night before. The sun was going down when I had sat down and now it was gone.
I go into the kitchen and fill the glass from this morning with water again and chug it down, the water hitting my empty, yet still queasy stomach. I open my cabinet and fish out the last sleave of crackers that we had left in the house. Daryl had brought the whole box in one day in the early stages of baby making since he knew how bad my morning sickness had been before. But living in a house with a teen and a baby the box had quickly been discovered and half gone before we moved it into our room. We had eaten some the first night we had spent in this house.
I go outside to the porch and sit in the night air; I bite the plastic to open the saltines. I pull one out and munch on the corner slowly. I hadn't eaten anything today; I should be starving. Maybe it was all the emotions or just the simple fear that caused my body to refuse to accept food. I finish one cracker and pull out another before letting out another sigh and tossing my head against the side of the couch.
Alexandria had been so quiet today, there were usually all sorts of sounds of the people, some were in the various training sessions that were offered all over the place, others working on enforcing the walls in the weak spots, working on the solar panels or a whole plethora of things. But the day had been still, and the night even more so.
I look down the street, most of the houses are dark, I can see Rick's house from here and the upstairs has lights, but not the first floor. My neighbors were several single people who had lost loved ones since the wolves and had consolidated into one house, which opened up some and had allowed Maggie and Glenn to get their own house. Did they have food or guns in there? I should have asked Olivia if they were all accounted for. If any were missing, they were probably there.
"Hey, still up?" I turn my head the other way and see Aaron walk up to me.
"Yeah, fell asleep on the couch, not doing my back any favors." I say motioning for him to sit down by me. "What about you?"
"Eric and I had a fight, needed some fresh air."
"Seems to be a lot of fights today."
"Yeah, I heard about yours and Ricks spat earlier. You do know we don't blame him, right?"
"You mean, you don't blame him. And you would be wrong. This is his fault."
"Kelly, all he wanted to do was help another community, and I don't know about you but I remember how intimidating your group can be. Remember I tracked you for days before the barn."
"We must not have been that scary considering you walked right up to us, no guns. Only an idiot does that."
"I never said I was smart." He says with a smile, one I can't help returning, it feels weird on my face. "Are you going to bring the caches in from the evac points?"
"Nope. They need to stay right where they are. Negan comes rolling in and takes half our shit and we don't find shit on runs we're going to need that stuff. Even if it's just to give it away so no one dies." I say shoving the rest of the cracker into my mouth and setting the package on the painted wood.
"We need to go on a run. If he really takes half of everything, that includes gas, vehicles, we need to at least have an idea of where some stuff might be."
"We have the maps in the pantry, we've hit most of the areas around here."
"Tara and Heath were headed west, maybe someone should go that way, try to find them. Last thing we need is them showing up with a crap-load of supplies and having it take away as soon as they cross the gate."
"Thought they weren't due back for like another week with how far out they were planning on going?"
"They aren't. But if they are ahead of schedule they need to be warned."
"All you can do it ask Rick, but I think you need to stay here, we need bodies here, there has to be somewhere closer you can look."
"I'll have to look tomorrow." He looks at me and rubs my shoulder. "You look awful, go inside, get some real sleep. We'll figure this out. I have faith in us, I have faith in Rick."
"I guess someone has to." I say as he stands up. I tell him goodnight, picking my crackers up and going back inside the house.
I set my crackers on the counter, flip off the kitchen light, and head up the steps. I pull off all the clothes I was wearing and slip on the shirt that I had been snuggling with this morning. A lot of Daryl's shirts were still the same sleeveless numbers he had had back in Georgia, a few of them even went back that far somehow. They were patched-up, tattered numbers that and I would somehow end up ruining them before he did. I smiled as I remembered the shirt I had tossed into a river back home that he had fished out with a long stick. I pull on a pair of my sweats since this shirt didn't come down as far as the t-shirt had, and I was actually dressing myself tonight. I flip off the lamp and get under the blankets in the middle of the bed, Daryl's pillow held tight in my arms again. I close my eyes, toss and turn for several minutes before sitting up with a groan, rolling to Daryl's nightstand and pulling the drawer open. Rummaging past the condoms we hadn't bothered using in months and his stash of bowstrings that he didn't want just sitting in the armory until I found the organ-ish bottle of prescription sleeping pills.
Another find of Daryl's that he had brought straight home instead of handing them to Denise. He had found these on a run right after Rick had accidentally smacked me to the ground in his fight with Pete. I had a few nights of nightmares and waking everyone up with my nonsense, but they had disappeared fairly quickly after Rick and I had a heart to heart and we got back on the same page. I open the bottle and count the seven pills that were left before I put the lid back on and toss it back in the drawer. I couldn't start on them yet. It was only the first night back.
I crawl back to the closet, pull another shirt of his off the floor and grab Daryl's pillow and button the shirt over the pillow. I lay back down, feeling very foolish, roll to my left and trap Daryl's pillow against my chest and I close my eyes and do some random breathing exercises and focused on how tired I actually was and how good falling asleep would feel. Just pretending I was holding on to Daryl.
"A mean guy wouldn't have carried me around; wouldn't have done everything you did for me. I owe you so much. And even if Rick said he hated you I wouldn't care. When I said I loved you I meant it."
He leans forward, he pushes my hair back from my face. "I meant it too." He kisses me.
I kiss him back, I circle my arms around him, I rub them up and down his back, my short nails catching on the rough fabric of his shirt. His hands stay on my face, tilting my head as he presses closer. My heart is beating faster and faster as the kiss lingers. With more bravery than what I was feeling I push my hands under his loose-fitting, sleeveless shirt. His skin is warm. My fingers brush against the various scars, but I pay them no mind, they are a part of him. he gently pushes against me and we fall back on the grass.
I was nervous, but at the same time exhilarated. His movements were measured, clueing into my feelings. He pulled back if I hesitated, always giving me a chance to pull away. But I didn't want to. And there was no reason for me to. I reached around and unbuttoned his shirt. Exposing his chest to me again. I ran my hand gently over the still stitched injury on his side. It was healing, but I worried about it. "It doesn't hurt." he says, pulling away.
"I don't want to rip your stitches."
"We won't. But it's up to you."
I didn't know what to think about this. The control had never really been put in my hands like this. If I said no, we would get up and move on. But I didn't want too. I really didn't. I had already given him so much, and he in return always gave me what I needed. Daryl Dixon was the answer to all my prayers. And I wanted him in a way I had never wanted anyone else. But there were always other problems that came with this. "I want to…but we can't. I don't have any kind of protect-," My words stop when he reaches into his pocket. "Where did you get that?" surprise that he has one making me forget what was going on.
"Got it from Glenn." I smile at the look on his face before moving my arms up to his neck.
"You'll have to tell me the story later." I pull Daryl back down. This was right. It felt right.
I loved him.
He loved me.
Chapter Seven!
This was up faster than I was expecting, but I was all sad today so it gave me a reason to be all sad with my story.
Do not fear, always sad and crying Kelly will not be around long, she is just dealing with a lot right now and is dealing with everything the way she always has, in a not super healthy manner.
Next Chapter will cover Service. Time to see everyone's favorite baseball bat enthusiast.
Timeline Explanation: So, I looked up how time passes in season seven and on this massive timeline I found on TV Series Timeline | Walking Dead Wiki | Fandom has everything in the whole season happening over the course of just a few weeks. I'm gonna change this up a bit.
There will be a 3-day span between the clearing and Negan showing up at Alexandria for the first time. Then there will be roughly a 3-week time span between Service (episode 4) and Sing me a Song / Hearts Still Beating (Episodes 7 & 8) then roughly another 3ish-week time span from there to The Other Side (episode 14)
I will not be dragging season 7 out for a super long-time chapter wise since 7 & 8 are my least favorite seasons in TWD so there will probably be an episode chapter and then a buffer chapter like this to fill in the timeline.
A big thank you to my new subscribers and everyone who has reached out over messenger and my commenter!
I always enjoy comments, helpful criticism, and tolerance for all the typos in this.
Thank you all for reading!
Maxy