Ok, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry for the delay! YES! Blame my school! But it's UP! I worked very very hard on it. Sorry for the typos ;-; my comp crashed twice while writing this, so I got frustrated! ANYWAYS! Thank you to all my reviewers for putting up with me and taking time to view my work. Thank you to all of you who favorited my work (I love you!). And WITHOUT FURTHER ADO: the chapter.

Chapter 4: All I Needed, All I Never Knew

"Please leave me alone…"

Fai was on the bed, lying on his stomach, his face and arms wrapped up in pillows. Shuddering, he tensed to stop the cries from overtaking his voice. At that moment, he wanted to disappear, just hide from what he was feeling and from that person who entered his room. "Just go away." The black-booted legs shifted on the bed, straining against his choking. Hope had died, bringing a part of him with it.

Kurogane stood barely inside the room, staring awkwardly at the pitiful case before him. Still, he had to try to pick up the pieces, starting with the most basic and hardest of all steps. Clearing his throat, the ninja gripped his fists, glaring inwardly at himself. "I'm sorry," he muttered, as if it were a curse on his heart.

Movement in the room stopped as the shock sunk in. Both men knew it was the first time the words had spilled from Kurogane's mouth. A crystal blue eye, clear from the tears still flowing from its brim, looked up from the pillow. The ninja stared at the eye under the blonde bangs earnestly, trying to seem more sincere. Too many emotions were in it to tell which was ruling. Softly, Fai sniffled, drawing back as many tears as he could, trying to conceal his ache once again. Deep inside his broken chest, hope began beating again. Hope that maybe Kurogane had only saved that apology for a very special occasion… but no, nothing about Fai was important. No one would ever want him like that.

Steadily, the magician sat up, exposing his flushed, wet cheeks and shattered face to the ninja. For a brief second, he attempted to smile, but was unable to rouse his lips from their trembling. The result was an even more pitiful look of anguish, cutting Kurogane to his stomach. With a very small voice, Fai answered the apology. "You're right… I'm a coward. I don't even know why I'm on this quest… I don't serve any good. Everything you said was true, so don't apologize, Kurogane." The ninja flinched at his name, painfully void of one of the cute shortenings Fai usually used. He had grown so used to them, even fond of them… Numbly, he watched the struggle before him, the struggle to put the mask back on, and to explain, but the battle was already lost. Unable to control himself, Fai wept, head bent in shame.

Anger dug into Kurogane. Anger at himself, at Ashura, at what had happened to the magician. The ninja admitted he was just as bad, just as mean, just as cruel, but he felt the weight of guilt, heavy enough to collapse the Imperial Palace. Useless? Was he just useless?

A failure with his feelings for Kurogane, Fai hated himself… for being as used as he was, as weak as he was, and for showing his emotions. In his world, no one was to know the way one really felt… it meant that they were able to get to you easier, to target you. After all, if you aren't in charge of your own emotions, how can you be in charge of yourself, or anything else? Fai shook his head, flinging tears from his eyes as sobs caught in his throat. He was incompetent, and Kurogane could see that, could see how tainted he was, could see how undesirable he was. All he wanted was for Kurogane to take him away, to save him somehow… but you can't save the impossible.

A warm, rough hand touched Fai's damp cheek. He stopped his crying and looked up, surprised and disbelieving as the calloused fingers wiped away the tears. Gently and uncertainly, Kurogane stared down, with a look of fixed concern, with other emotions Fai had only wildly dreamed of. Red fixed on blue, holding the drops still.

"…Kurogane…"

Fai had never known such warmth. Even if Kurogane was still acting tough, he couldn't cover the truth in the touch of his hand. It was just between them and them alone, in a tenderness neither has received before.

"N-no," Fai absently cried against the hand. "You… you don't love me. Please… I'm too weak, too … I can't have you…" But he found himself being pulled up into the warm, strong arms, and clinging to Kurogane's muscular neck. In a fit of confusion, he tried to push the ninja away, beating against his chest through the icy tears, screaming "You don't love me! You don't want someone like me!" No matter how hard he pushed, the arms were stronger, and they held him, until he was smothered by their tenderness and the reality that this wasn't something he would wake up from. He buried his face in the steady shoulder, supporting him firmly, and Fai held on, shedding tears like scales into Kurogane's black shirt.

When he wasn't pushed away, Fai cried for relief. When he was held tighter, he cried for joy. Smiling through his sobs in the taught arms, he felt secure, safe, like nothing he ever had before: he felt home. And he believed in it. Kurogane rubbed his back, feeling strangely protective and calmed. Still, he had so much to say, that Fai was wrong, that he did care for him, that he did want him, only him, forever, no one else, nothing else, just him, as weak as he was and-- but he just held him, them fitting together like yin and yang, with just as many differences. The ninja felt like this was what he was meant to protect, what he was meant to do, and words were not needed.

After a few moments, the tears slowed, and steady silence filled the room. Tension was gone, but drops of awkwardness were still abounding between the ninja and the magician. The night had been odd, filled with things not to be taken lightly. Perhaps it wasn't just coincidence that they were on a quest together, Fai thought as he nuzzled the shoulder. Maybe it was destiny for the protector to meet the protection-less. Maybe it was fate that Fai finally found a solace. Whatever it was, he appreciated it, as he appreciated the fiery smell of Kurogane surrounding him. His throbbing headache from crying began to dull.

"You should sleep," Kurogane muttered, but the rough tone was lost. Fai could hear the concern, and the love. Love? his inner voice teased. Yes, love, he had to admit. Ashura-ou had been so wrong. He smiled, letting his blue eyes close, he was a bit tired, but he knew he would never sleep without the feeling he had now. It was Kurogane's chin on his head, his arms, his smell, his warmth.

"Stay with me, Kurogane… please."

A hope, a wish, it was either, simply whispered out loud, so Fai was caught by surprise when the ninja nodded. So happy, he was sure to cry again if he had anything left to makes tears from. Kurogane set him on the mattress, which had never felt more inviting, and clasped Fai to his body, which had never felt more inviting. Was this what he had been missing? Gods, the ninja murmured to himself, he had been so blind not to have seen it sooner. The feeling was so massive; it was hard to imagine how he ignored its absence for so long. They clung to each other, and neither let go, finally under the sheets after several minutes of shifting, and resting on pillows with dry tear stains.

Fai ran a black gloved hand through Kurogane's hair, closing his eyes to the even breath against his temple. No one had ever held him, ever comforted him, ever fallen asleep with him. No, it was all his Kurogane. After being someone else's for so long, it was so good to be able to have someone be his as well. All the mage could do was smile, nuzzle his nose against the strong neck, and peacefully fall asleep. Ever guarding, Kurogane watched over Fai until the dark comfort took him as well. Mokona giggled outside the door.