give a little – maggie rogers

"if you would open up your heart
drop your weapons, drop your guard
just a little trust is all it takes."

Friday
8:53pm

They were not back in no time. And Lily was really starting to get frustrated. "We are never going to get back." She tried to keep her voice steady but it cracked at the very end.

James stopped in front of her, holding her by the shoulders so she'd look at him. "We'll be fine, Lily. It's not like they'll leave without us."

Lily's eyes widened. Her chest started constricting painfully. "Won't they though? Won't they leave without us?" She felt short of breath. "I mean... I told my friends I was going to the train early and that I didn't want to talk to anyone. And I don't mean to sound rude but none of your friends are here so, will anyone actively notice you're gone?"

James thought for a second, and Lily could see the exact moment he realised they were fucked. He hid it well though, which Lily appreciated. "Kettleburn will notice."

Lily narrowed her eyes at him, trying to gauge whether he was serious. Weirdly enough, it kind of seemed like he was. "Seriously? You think Kettleburn will notice?"

Lily liked her Magical Creatures professor just fine and he was a pretty good teacher, but he was far from the most attentive man ever. He was the kind of person who constantly lost his glasses only to find them perched on his lapel.

James exhaled sharply. He let go of Lily to run his hands through his hair. "Maybe... maybe Galchenyuk will do something."

Professor Galchenyuk had had to leave early that day because she had a family commitment. She'd trusted Kettleburn enough to get everyone back to Hogwarts safely. And she had trusted that having the Head Boy and Girl there would make things even easier for the old man.

But now the Head Boy and Girl were completely lost in the fucking woods.

"Yeah, they're leaving without us," James concluded, running a hand through his hair. "They've got to realise we're gone at some point though. It's a ten-hour trip back to the castle."

Lily couldn't breathe. "Yeah, and everyone will be asleep for at least eight hours! Oh god, why did anyone think it was a good idea to get us to and from the castle like Muggles? I know Galchenyuk was insistent but we should've fought her harder. At least let us innocent Magical Creatures students Apparate or something. Why is Kettleburn such a pushover? How did Dumbledore even let him be responsible for the safety of almost thirty students? Even if it was just for getting everyone onto the train? He clearly cannot be trusted—"

"Lily!" James cut her off. "You need to breathe."

Lily frowned. He was right. She could feel the need for oxygen in her lungs, but she couldn't quite remember how to breathe at the present moment.

"Lily!"

She looked up into James's eyes. His gaze bore into hers. He grasped her arms tightly and ran his thumbs over them. "Come on, Lily. Breathe. Breathe with me. There you go."

Slowly, Lily's breaths started to get deeper and longer, until they started getting more regular.

James didn't let go of her, his arms grounding Lily. "It'll be fine, Lily. We have your stuff. We'll just camp for one more night. That will definitely be enough time for them to come back for us."

Lily nodded. Still not quite trusting herself to speak.

James let go of her.

Lily set her backpack down and opened it. The blue pack seemed inconspicuously at first glance, but it had been magically altered by Lily so that it could hold around ten times more than usual, and weigh next to nothing. "I only have one of the tents I lent you guys though. It's tiny." The magical tent she'd shared with a few of her friends had been packed into Mary's bag. All she had was a small Muggle tent she'd lent to the Muggle Studies class.

James shrugged. "We'll manage."

She dropped to her knees and started pulling things out, taking inventory. "Alright, I've got some protein bars and... some food we didn't eat. A jug of water, which isn't a lot but I guess it'll be enough for a day."

James browsed through some of the things Lily had dumped on the ground. "Is that a map? Why didn't you say anything?"

Lily looked at the brochure James held. She'd picked it up at the beginning of the trip, and she had found it kind of useful when aided by her wand and a compass spell, but it didn't seem very useful now. "What help will that be if we've no idea where we are?"

James looked up at the sky. "Isn't there like... a star that helps you figure out directions?"

Lily gave him an incredulous look. "You mean the North Star?"

"Yeah!" James exclaimed.

"Well, yes, we studied it in third year astronomy, and if you completely erased that from your memory why would I, someone who quit Astronomy after one year know that? What am I, a pirate?"

James stared at her. "...So, that's a no on the North Star?"

"You can also tell cardinal points by the way the sun sets... my dad always used to tell me which way was which but I never remembered." She had no idea why she'd just said that to James. And now she wanted to cry. She pointed towards the point where the sun was almost set in the sky. "So that's either east or west, but I don't see how that's helpful."

Lily sighed and dropped her head onto her hands. She stood. Looked around the surrounding forest. Nothing seemed even remotely familiar. "Well... if you get lost in the woods, you're supposed to stay put, so I guess... that's what we should do."

They put the tent up with little difficulty, but the silence was starting to make Lily think, and that was not good.

"Why'd you take Muggle studies?" Lily asked as they sat just outside the tent, resting for a few minutes.

James shrugged one shoulder. "I dunno... I just like it."

"You want to be an Auror though, right? Not exactly a requirement for that field."

James didn't look at her, he seemed hesitant. "Well... I didn't really settle on being an Auror until this year, before that, I wanted to keep my options open. And I like Muggle Studies."

Lily had a feeling he wasn't telling her the whole story. She brought her knees up to her chest and laid her chin on top of them. "I always wondered about that class... I think it'd be interesting to see how wizards perceive Muggles."

"I think you'd like it, actually," James said. "At this point, now that we've covered most mechanics of Muggle contemporary lifestyle, we dive more into wizard-Muggle relations, and deeper aspects of Muggle culture and society, y'know, social structures and ideologies and whatnot."

Lily's brows raised. "Oh. I would like that."

James grinned. "I can lend you my textbook any day."

Lily smiled slightly and leaned back against the tree trunk. "Maybe." She turned to look at him. "You said you've only settled on being an Auror recently... Was that because of... everything that's been happening?"

James got a pensive look on his face as he leaned his head back. "Honestly... yes. The war just... feels like it's getting closer and closer to us each day. And I just... I need to do something. And going on any of my previously thought career paths just seems so dumb for me to do, when I could be out there helping. Not that I'd expect anyone else to do the same," he added quickly. "It's just my personal views."

Lily took a deep breath. "No, I get it. I feel like that too sometimes. What would you do if You-Know-Who and every single Death Eater just disappeared from the face of the Earth tomorrow?"

"Uh, well, I'd probably get really drunk with Sirius and—"

Lily threw a small twig at him and suppressed a smile. "Stop. You know what I mean."

"Oh well, you'll probably laugh but... back when we had our first career conversations with McGonagall... she actually made me realise that I'd quite like to be a teacher."

Lily's eyes went wide. She didn't laugh, but she was definitely speechless. "You? A teacher?"

"Yeah, I know. I would've never given it a second thought when I was fourteen but... I don't know, I've always been good with kids, they're fun. And I wouldn't teach any boring shit like Potions, I'd teach something fun."

Lily thought about it for a second. "Actually. I could really see it. And now that I think about it... I genuinely think you'd be great at it."

James put a hand over his heart like he was touched. "Why, thank you, milady. And I know you'll be fucking awesome at your... healing thingy."

"Healing potions research and engineering, " she provided. She'd invented the title herself, but she was hoping it'd catch on.

Lily glanced at her watch nervously. It was almost eleven. "I'm... starting to think they're not getting here tonight."

"Yeah... it probably won't happen. We should just... go to sleep. Try not to worry. They'll get us by morning."

It was the most awkward thing ever when they finally settled inside the tent to sleep.

The space of the tent was extremely limited. They laid down side by side, occupying most of the tent's square footage. Lily greatly wished she'd offered to put away Melanie's magical tent in her backpack. Ugh.

Lily was painfully aware of James's body beside her, and tried her absolute best to keep to her side of the tent, and not touch him at all, which was pretty hard.

They laid there in silence, only the sounds of the crickets outside keeping them company. Lily couldn't stand it.

"Just to clarify, the only reason I'm upset over Ella spreading rumours about me is because I don't like having my privacy invaded," Lily blurted out. As soon as she said it, she regretted it. She should've kept her mouth shut.

"I know," James said. "You're right to be upset."

"Adrian and I aren't even... together. And I shouldn't have to explain that to people."

"Why are you explaining it to me then?"

Lily inhaled. "You know why."

"Well, you really don't have to explain anything, Lily. I'm not jealous or anything. Promise."

Boy, did Lily not want to unpack that sentence.

Lily couldn't release the tension in her shoulders. Ugh, she shouldn't have said anything to him. "I know. I know I don't have to explain but... I wouldn't want you to think that I was trying to... I don't know, spite you by snogging your ex during your birthday party. We were both kind of tipsy and it just happened... and no one was meant to see."

James chuckled softly. "It's okay, Lily. Even if you were trying to... spite me, as you put it, I really am very much over Adrian, and honestly, although she's great, I never had particularly strong feelings towards her. So, don't worry, I don't feel spited at all."

There was an edge to his voice when he finished speaking but Lily put it down to his being tired. Because surely he wasn't annoyed by this conversation. He had no right to be annoyed! She was the one who should be annoyed by him saying he never had strong feelings for Adrian when he—

No. She needed to stop it. Keep a cool head. Because by god she would keep this conversation civil. She would not be the one to start a fight over this!

She cleared her throat. "I always thought you guys made a good couple."

James let out a dry half-chuckle.

That reaction bugged Lily greatly. "What?"

He shrugged. "It's just... ironic."

A crease formed between Lily's brows. "How so?"

He still didn't look at her. "Come on, Lily, I know you're not that oblivious."

Lily's frown deepened. "Excuse me?"

James sighed, ran a hand through his hair. "Well, I think it was pretty obvious that Adrian and I started going out because we had one particular characteristic in common; we were both trying to get over you."

Lily's jaw was wired shut all of a sudden. Yeah, in the back of her mind, she knew that was probably true, but it felt very weird hearing it out loud. Lily's friendship with Adrian had always contained some unresolved romantic feelings and they had tried to date once upon a time, but it just hadn't worked out. Adrian had had a hard time moving on after, but Lily hadn't thought Adrian was using James as a rebound.

And James hadn't referenced his previous crush on Lily all year until this moment, and at the beginning of the year he'd made it pretty clear that he was fully and thoroughly over her, so there had been no reason to discuss any of these matters further.

Lily tried her best not to think about what had happened between them at the end of Sixth Year but she couldn't help thinking about it now.

She still thought about Those Months. Often. A lot more often that she'd like. She dreamed of them. Of him. Of wandering the hallways in the middle of the night together. Of what could've been. If she'd just...

Lily had the sudden urge to explain everything to him... This was an urge she'd had more than once since that fateful day. But there would be no use in it. Because Lily had let the chance pass her by, and he was over her now and Lily was truly happy for him. No need to rehash all of this.

Lily wrapped her arms around herself. "'S freaking cold."

James's features softened. Finally, he looked at her, those soulful eyes sending butterflies directly into her stomach. "Yeah, it's been cold the past two nights. Come closer, you can share my blanket."

Lily shuffled closer to him hesitantly. He draped the blanket over her and Lily felt short of breath. He was too close. His body was too close. Their arms brushed against one another and even though it was perfectly innocent and they were both layered up, it sent a blush up Lily's cheeks. Thank fuck it was dark and he wouldn't see.

Lily was all too conscious of her breathing becoming raspier and she tried her best to regulate it so James wouldn't notice.

She tried to swallow down the knot in her throat. She resented James so much at that moment. How was it that he seemed perfectly chill and already drifting off to sleep and she was fighting her own body with every ounce of her willpower to stop reacting to his closeness?

Suddenly, James shifted and draped an arm over Lily's pillow, right above her head. Her heart almost stopped.

It was a natural reaction for him to have, she told herself. He's just trying to find body heat to fight off the cold. This is fine.

James might've been trying to get warm but Lily was starting to get a little too warm. She didn't dare move an inch though.

She couldn't see much more than James's shape in the dark but she could feel how close he was. Without his arm as a barrier anymore, it would be so easy to just... curl up into him. It was oh so tempting. Just an inch to the left and she'd be nicely tucked under his arm.

Lily couldn't stand it anymore. She would never be able to sleep like this. James's breaths were getting deeper, so she assumed he was already asleep. So, very slowly, excruciatingly slowly, she shifted onto her side so she had her back to him. Yes, that was much better. This way she wouldn't have to see his goddamn shape. Yeah, she could still feel the heat radiating off of him–what was he, a human furnace?–and the weight of his arm on her pillow, but the temptation to cuddle up to him diminished severely. She could finally breathe properly.

Lily let her eyes close.