Molossus covered his eyes with his hands, sighing deeply. He was uncharacteristically silent.
"If I didn't know you, I would think you're kidding me" he said flatly. "I am... I am really shocked".
"I would never tell you those things, if you were my own son" Helenus answered in a quiet voice.
"Thank you for reminding me that I'm not your son! Thank you very much!" yelled Molossus, standing.
"You know what I mean" his stepfather replied, unimpressed.
"No, I don't know what you mean!"
"You have your own father. If you are disappointed, you can turn to his memory. You don't have to look up to me" the older man explained. He looked aggravated.
...and Molossus had once thought that his man was made of stone...
The younger prince's anger vanished as quickly as it had come. He sat back in front of the fireplace.
"Do you think... you would have betrayed your city, if Eudorus had said the right thing?" he asked cautiously.
"I have asked myself the same question many times and I don't know. After that conversation with the Eudorus, I never really thought about betraying the city again. The idea of being used like a puppet nauseated me. A few months after that night, I was glad that I hadn't accepted Eudorus' offer" Helenus explained.
"And did you still think about... taking your life?"
The older man sighed, closing his eyes.
"Yes and no. That night, I realized that I would not actively take my life. Yet, I didn't feel any... zest for life"
"So you... changed?"
Helenus made a strange sound, something between a cough and a rueful laugh.
"I realized that I couldn't go on like that. At first, I just wished that the gods might take my life and put an end to my misery, since I wasn't able to do it on my own. For quite some time, I did not consider the idea that I could be less miserable, that I could live a different life"
"And then?" asked Molossus.
-O-O-O-
It was the day of Demeter's feast, in the middle of the winter. A few months had passed since the conversation with Eudorus.
The Trojans used to go out in procession to Demeter's temple, asking the goddess to renew her gifts on the following spring. It was cold and, as often happened in Troy, there was a lashing wind.
Shivering, Helenus wrapped himself even more tightly in his woolen cloak. He was feeling dizzy.
He was losing weight and he now looked even more lanky than he had been before. He had hand tremors and his stamina was rapidly declining. He just couldn't eat, even if he tried. Sometimes he felt nauseous at the very thought of food. And the nights... if he kept sleeping so little, he would go insane.
He felt more troubled than ever before. There was just no way out.
Well, maybe he should seek Aesacus' advice. Many years before, his old teacher had told him that he was available if Helenus needed to talk.
But what would Helenus say? He couldn't confess that he had considered betraying the city. Nor could he confess that he was viciously enjoying Cassandra's madness, or any of the other things. Aesacus would be outraged.
No, Helenus wouldn't tell him anything. On the contrary, Hermes' priest was the very last person who should know what he was thinking.
Helenus knew that his turmoil was becoming noticeable. Grymas had openly asked him whether he was ill and suggested that he go to Apollo's temple for advice.
Yes, he was definitely going to ask Cassandra for advice, he thought with a snort.
He now left Artemis' temple as rarely as possible. He had come to Demeter's procession because the absence of a priest would have been noticed, it would have given scandal. The last thing he wanted was attention.
He and Grymas reached the sacred way just in front of the market square, where the procession used to start. As soon as the royal family arrived, they set off.
The way to Demeter's temple was long, and Helenus had to be careful not to stagger. He hadn't realize just how weak he had gotten. He let out a sigh of relief when they finally arrived.
He knew that he was supposed to greet his family but he didn't want to. Why should he talk to them? It was just a farce, pretending that there was any kind of relationship between them.
Someone patted him on the shoulder and he turned to see Hector, unusually annoyed.
"You haven't greeted our parents yet" his older brother said sternly.
Helenus glanced at this parents. They were talking to Andromache, both of them smiling fondly.
"They don't seem to be looking forward to see me" he hissed.
Hector stared at him, wide-eyed. Then he spoke, clearly struggling to stay calm.
"Look, I don't know what has come over you. But whatever it is, there is no excuse for not greeting the king. If you make such a scene in public, people might think that you are not loyal to us"
The mention of treachery angered Helenus even more. He knew that he should shut his mouth, he just didn't have the strength for it anymore.
"Am I accused of treachery now? How, since I barely leave my temple?" he asked sardonically.
Hector's eyes became even wider, his lips thinner. He looked absolutely furious.
Helenus shook his head and walked to his parents. He didn't want to make a scene.
"You look very pale and much thinner than the last time I saw you, Helenus" said his mother, while his father just looked closely at him.
"I have been ill, mother" he replied. She was seemingly satisfied with the answer, because she didn't ask any more questions. He greeted his siblings and noticed that many of them stared at him in shock. Probably, he looked even worse than he felt.
He was glad when the celebration started and he could finally walk away from his family.
-O-O-O-
On the way back from Demeter's temple, he thought that he would faint. He could barely stand when they finally made it back to Artemis' temple.
He fell on his bed, exhausted. He didn't join Grymas for the meal and lay there until Grymas retired to his room and there was complete silence.
After some time, he felt a soft knock on the temple's door.
Maybe it is because of a pregnant woman, he thought, sitting up. When a childbirth was difficult, sometimes the woman's family brought an offer to Artemis even if the temple was closed. Grymas had already retired to his room, so he had to take care of it this time.
But on the other side of the door stood Aesacus.
Helenus was so shocked that he gasped and took a step backwards.
What a stupid move. He really had no self-control anymore.
"Yes, I know. I look terribly old" said Aesacus with a smile.
"Oh, no. Your visit is just unexpected" replied Helenus, moving to let him in.
Well, what was he supposed to do, tell Aesacus to go away?
"Since you never come to visit, I thought I'd better come to you. I used to see you at the market but I haven't seen you in a while"
Helenus led him to the kitchen, trying desperately to find something to say. Small talk was difficult enough for him, even more so in his current state. And he didn't believe for a second that Aesacus had come for a courtesy visit.
"How are you, Helenus?" the older priest asked as soon as they were seated.
Oh, no. Now the sly fox was trying to get him to talk.
"I am fine". He knew that he didn't look fine at all, so he added: "But I am quite tired, there are a lot of things to do in the winter"
"I am worried for you. You are very pale and you have lost weight" Aesacus said softly.
"I have been unwell lately... winter's little ailments" replied Helenus. trying to sound nonchalant.
He expected the older priest to confront him openly, to say "stop lying" or something like that.
"Are you quite sure that you are fine?" asked Aesacus.
A part of him desperately wanted to say no. And then? Then he would probably lose it and tell Aesacus everything. He couldn't do that. On the other hand, it was pointless to say yes. Hermes' priest was not going to buy it.
Irritation started to rise in him.
Why couldn't Aesacus just let him be?
"What do you care, anyway?" he asked furiously.
Aesacus didn't take the bait.
"You know that I care. I am worried about you" he said calmly.
"Then mind your own business!" hissed Helenus, standing.
Aesacus didn't reply.
It felt horribly wrong. Aesacus had always been kind to him, had never said anything hurtful. He had been encouraging and supportive. He had come to Artemis' temple, on a cold winter evening, walking up the hill at his advanced age. And Helenus had been nothing but insulting.
Once he would have never dared to treat Aesacus like that. What had happened to him?
He was already regretting those words. What should he do? Apologize and give up, telling everything Aesacus wanted to know? Or apologize and beg him not to ask more?
Hermes' priest hadn't spoken a word yet, and the silence was becoming overwhelming.
Summoning his courage, Helenus turned around and looked at him.
Aesacus was studying him, seemingly unperturbed.
"I know that you didn't mean it, and I know that you're having a hard time" he said softly. "I will not push you to discuss it, it has to be your decision. But if you keep wasting away at this pace, your life might be in danger very soon. I presume that you are aware of that, too. I am worried that you are letting yourself die because of problems which might have other solutions. So please, before you do something irreparable, let me try and help you. It doesn't have to be tonight. Just come talk to me, my door will always be open".
The words had been carefully chosen.
But he just couldn't open up. Hermes' priest would be shocked to find out how awful he was.
"Take this, tonight" added Aesacus, handing him a small water skin. "It is a sleeping concoction. It's not something you should be drinking often, but for a night it won't hurt"
Aesacus stood and put on his cloak. Helenus realized that he hadn't apologized yet.
"I am deeply sorry. I didn't mean what I said to you and I was out of line. And... thank you for your offer. I will... I will think about it" he said softly, not trusting his voice.
"Never mind. I know that you're sorry" replied Hermes' priest.
And now he would walk back to his temple, in the dark and in the cold, at his age...
"Should I... see you back to your temple?" asked Helenus.
"Thank you, but it won't be necessary. Remember, the Traveler is my patron" answered Aesacus. "Besides, you can barely stand. Drink what I brought you and go to bed".
The concoction tasted of honey, mallow and something he could not recognize.
It was probably one of the herbs Aesacus had always refused to tell them about, Helenus thought while his eyes closed.