Author's Notes:

Hermes has been associated by scholars with psychoanalysis, psychotherapy and internal journeys. Besides, he is known as the god of sleep. That is why his priest can make sleeping potions and acts as a sort of a counsellor on occasion. Of course, counselling is not like it would be in the 21st century.

Rumination (negative repetitive thinking) is associated with anxiety and depressive disorders. That is the reason why Helenus tends to dwell on the same thoughts over and over again.

-O-O-O-

Helenus awoke the next morning with a raging headache and a sweetish taste in his mouth. That concoction had really knocked him out. He hadn't slept that long in a long time.

The water in his jug was very cold. He drank some of it and used some other to wash his face. As the headache slowly subsided, he still felt a little dizzy, but more clear-headed than he had been in months.

He had forgotten how it was like to feel well-rested. But he knew that the feeling would be short lived: without Aesacus' concoction, sleep would escape him again.

How long did he have to live like this?

Grymas called him from the temple's hall and he tried to set the thought aside. He would think about it later, alone in his room. Since the temple had been closed on the previous day, it was a quite busy morning. He helped Grymas with the worshippers and tended to his usual chores until the temple closed, in the afternoon. He retired to his room, glad to be finally alone, and sat cross-legged on the bed.

He needed to think things over. And he needed to be honest with himself.

As a boy, he had often felt miserable but he had assumed that adulthood would be better. That he would find his place in the world, becoming what he was meant to be, and that he would find at least serenity, if not happiness.

It had not happened yet, and now he was in his twenties. Things would not get better just like that.

And he was getting more and more aggressive and mean. Where would that wickedness lead him? He was scared to even think about that.

There had been things he enjoyed, now he just survived. He didn't look forward to anything.

What was the point of living like that?

He sighed deeply, leaning on the wall behind him.

He could not go on like this. He hated every instant of it. So either he made up his mind and put an end to his life... or he had to do something with it.

The first option was still appealing. It would be quick and it would work for sure.

The second option was less promising. For once, he didn't know how to make things better. He had tried for a long time to block his anxiety: it never worked. He had tried to force himself to eat: he had ended up being sick instead. Moreover, there were so many things going wrong that he didn't know where to start.

Of course, he could go to Aesacus.

Yes, and how was talking going to help him? Aesacus had said that there were other solutions to his problems. Like what? Coping with his anxiety, getting closer to his family, being a better person? That was easy to say!

He snorted, suddenly irritated.

He knew that he wasn't going to take his life in the end. He knew that! So why was he loosing his time brooding? He was always the same: he dwelled on every single thing for days and ended up doing nothing! So now, instead of waiting for the day when things would get better, he would stand up and go to Hermes' temple and he would at least try.

Without losing a moment, he put on his cloak and set off to Hermes' temple.

On the way, he fought to silence that small voice inside him.

He was going to sink into the ground with shame. Aesacus was going to throw him out of the temple.

He had to keep walking without stopping. If he stopped, he would never find the strength to go on.

-O-O-O-

"Helenus! I'm glad to see you. Come in, come in" said Aesacus with a broad smile, relief clear in his voice.

Aesacus lead him to the kitchen, the only warm room of the temple, and they both sat close to the fireplace.

Now that he was here, Helenus found that he didn't know what to say.

Why had he decided to come here? What a stupid idea! Now that he was here, Aesacus would make him spit everything out. He should just pretend that he was here on a courtesy visit and go back to his temple as soon as possible.

"Did you sleep well last night?" asked the older priest.

"Yes, I... I slept well. Thank you for your concoction, it was... very helpful"

"As I told you, that concoction is not something you should be drinking often. But I can make you a lighter one if you have trouble sleeping" offered Aesacus.

"Thank you"

He fell silent again

"What seems to be the problem with sleeping, my dear? Do you have trouble falling asleep, or disturbing dreams?" Aesacus asked again.

He should just say that he didn't want to talk about it and go back to his temple, point!

But Aesacus' voice was so kind and understanding. If he walked away, then he would be alone with his misery again. He didn't have the strength for that.

"I... mostly I... just lie awake and cannot sleep" he answered after a moment.

"What do you think about when you lie in bed like that?" asked Hermes' priest.

"I... everything. The temple, my family, the war... all of it" he replied, trying to keep his voice flat, trying to pretend he was calm.

But who was he kidding? His voice was quivering, his hands were shaking. He knew that he was close to the limit, he felt it.

Aesacus sat closer to him and started stroking his arm. Somehow, the physical contact throwed down Helenus' defences.

"I can't... go on like this, it's... it's too much... I d-don't know what to do..."

"Listen, my dear" said Aesacus calmly. "I know that it feels overwhelming now, but it can get better. It will require time and patience, but you can overcome your difficulties"

"I don't think I can do that. I can barely stand, I can't even eat" he whispered, cursing himself. Why was he so ridiculous?

"Of course you can do that" replied Aesacus confidently. "For one thing, you decided to come here and talk. It looks like you are willing to make some changes. You are much stronger than you think"

Helenus laughed bitterly.

"I've known you since you were born. I've been your teacher for years. I will say it again, you are stronger than you think. And I am proud of you" replied Aesacus patiently.

"Stop that!" yelled Helenus, suddenly angry. "You know nothing! When the Achaeans first tried to besiege the city, I didn't care! Did you know that? Oh, and did I mention that an Achaean tried to make me join the enemy and I almost accepted? And did you know that, when Cassandra went insane, I felt happy? And let's not forget that I joined Artemis' temple just because I wanted to leave the royal palace, did you know that too?! You are done with your compliments now, aren't you? So go ahead and kick me out!"

He went silent, panting heavily. He realized that he had stood up and was now towering over Aesacus. Hermes' priest was still sitting and looked calmly at him.

He had lost it again. It was the second time in two days that he yelled at Aesacus like that. And he had said so much more than he had intended to...

And now his teacher would dismiss him, disgusted. Helenus didn't dare to move.

Aesacus stood and stepped forward.

"I will not kick you out, Helenus. And I stand by what I said before"

This was the last thing Helenus was expecting to hear

Before he could say anything, Aesacus hugged him and started stroking his back. Helenus fought hard to hold ack the tears. But he knew that it was a losing battle and he finally broke down.

When was the last time someone had hugged him? He couldn't even remember that.

Aesacus kept stroking his back without a word until Helenus managed to regain control.

"I am very sorry that I yelled at you again. I was insulting. Lately I... I just can't help it sometimes. I am so sorry..." he whispered, not daring to meet Aesacus' eyes.

"I know, Helenus. I'm not angry at you. Now sit back there, would you? I will fetch you something warm to drink and then we will talk"