Author's Notes

- I've published several chapters in a few days, make sure you've read the previous ones too!

- concerning the previous chapter: Helenus was quite angry that nobody had reacted to his whipping. I would like to clarify: the point is not (just) that the whipping was painful and traumatizing - which it certainly was. The main point is that whipping was for thieves, thus being whipped was dishonorable, an intolerable affront. It's like when Agamemnon and Achilles fight over Briseis at the beginning of the Iliad. The point is not Briseis but the fact that neither of them wants to give up the war prize.

-O-O-O-

Helenus was silent, seemingly lost in his memories.

"Did something change after that meeting?" asked Molossus after some time.

"Yes" his stepfather replied promptly. "We were never really close, we never went very personal, but we got along well. On occasion, I visited him at the royal palace and sometimes he visited me at the temple when he was in the lower town"

Helenus hesitated for a moment, then added "when my health improved, we even went swimming, like he had proposed so many times during my childhood"

"Now I have to ask: who swam faster?" questioned Molossus, wondering whether his was pushing his luck.

For a moment, Helenus looked like he was trying hard not to smile.

"As a matter of fact, I did"

Molossus wasn't surprised. At his age, his stepfather swam faster than he did. Helenus always worried so much... but he didn't dare to point it out.

"What about your parents, your other brothers?" he asked instead.

Helenus sighed.

"I had never been close to my parents and it did not change. I greeted them when I visited Hector at the palace, but that was it. With Deiphobus, we had a short... conversation and from that moment on there was... less animosity. But we never really got along well, we were way too different to understand each other"

"...and Cassandra?"

"Sometimes I saw her in the lower city and we... were more civil than we had been during our childhood. But there was nothing more. She always seemed to be... in a world of her own. It looked like things could not really touch her" replied Helenus, with a frown.

"And... how was the rest of your life going?"

-O-O-O-

It was a windy morning in the middle of the autumn. Several months had passed since that first conversation with Aesacus.

Helenus watched the city from the temple's terrace, wondering whether he should talk to Grymas.

He wasn't ready for this. It was too early. Maybe he should wait another month.

But he had said the very same thing the previous month. And the month before. He had to make up his mind, point!

With a sigh, he turned around and went to look for Grymas. He found the high priest sitting in the kitchen.

"I have to talk to you" Helenus said unceremoniously. The older priest looked at him with mild surprise but gestured for him to go on.

And what if Grymas said no? It would be a terrible humiliation.

"I have a request" said Helenus, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Yes?"

"Some years ago, you told me that I should... take care of the worshippers who had very simple requests, and leave the others to you"

He had said it with some difficulty and he could feel that he was blushing. Grymas said nothing and just looked at him.

"I was wondering whether I could make another attempt... with the worshippers" Helenus went on. His mouth felt very dry. "I am older now, and I think... I could do better than I did years ago. That... was it"

Grymas kept silently looking at him and Helenus started to fear that the older priest would say no.

"It's probably a good idea" said Grymas instead "I am getting old, I will need more help in the future. So tomorrow you'll be in charge"

"Thank you".

Helenus went to his room, cursing himself.

Why had he done this? He should've waited another month. He wasn't ready, he was never going to be ready. He would make a fool of himself again.

Well, maybe he was being too pessimistic. He had worked very hard on himself lately maybe he could do this.

During the previous months, his health had improved significantly.

His appetite was often poor, but he ate properly and he had gained some weight. He still spent way too much time rolling over and worrying in his bed, but he slept sufficiently.

The spring had brought lots of work to do in the vegetable garden. He hadn't really enjoyed it as he used to, but it had been beneficial nonetheless. The physical exertion, the warmer weather, the knowledge that those plants would grow under his care... it had all helped.

And during the summer he had started swimming again.

At first, he only did it because he had promised Aesacus that he would give it a try. It was just a chore, like making bread or sweeping the temple's floor. After the first swimming sessions, brief as they were, his whole body felt sore and he was exhausted. But with every new session, his body seemed to grow stronger. He could breather more deeply and more slowly, his muscles grew more powerful.

His self-control was also improving. He didn't yell at people for no reason, he didn't break down every time he felt sad or frustrated.

Of course, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.

There were days when he felt helpless and needed all of his willpower to go on with his day. There were days when he felt worthless and awful and he just wanted to be left alone. And the feeling that he was just a guest in Artemis' temple -and not her priest- never failed to make him feel worthless.

Now Grymas had agreed to let him try again with the worshippers. What if he screwed up? He had talked about it at length with Aesacus. Hermes' priest had tried to teach him how to deal with his fear... but it felt so useless now!

When he opened the temple on the following day, he felt terrified.

And the first worshipper of the day turned out to be Aeneas, who wished to consecrate a new bow. Consecrating a bow for someone who had witnessed his whole, disastrous military training! Joy of joys.

Aeneas was clearly surprised to see Helenus instead of Grymas, but he said nothing.

Now he had to try, he had at least to try. He had to recite a prayer, and he knew the prayer by heart. He had repeated it to Aesacus without making mistakes, less than a month before.

He had to breathe slowly, focus on the bow in his hands. He had to imagine that Aeneas wasn't there and that he was just practicing with prayers. He could remember them alright when he was alone.

The words came out of his mouth and they were right. He was doing it right, he knew this prayer by heart.

He was done, he had remembered everything.

Trying to look unfazed, he gave the bow back to Aeneas with a nod. His heart was racing.

Later, some pregnant women and a few other worshippers showed up. Helenus felt terrified for the whole morning, but he managed to take care of their requests.

He felt immensely relieved when the temple closed after midday.

He had done better than he had anticipated but he really disliked talking. He was probably never going to like it. And there were people who felt comfortable with this.

"You're right, you have improved" told him Grymas later that day. "From now on, you can take care of some more worshippers... especially the foreign ones, you're better than me at foreign languages anyway"

For Helenus, it was quite an ordeal. But at least now he could do it, although he felt tense and uncomfortable.

One day, his brother Deiphobus came with an offer for the Huntress. Helenus struggled more than usual to keep calm while reciting the prayer: Deiphobus brought back some quite unpleasant memories. Eventually he managed to perform the ritual, although his heart was beating so wildly that Helenus could barely breathe.

When Deiphobus started to walk away, Helenus felt that he had something to tell his older brother.

"Wait"

Deiphobus turned around and looked at him questioningly.

"I was never haughty. I just kept to myself" Helenus said without preamble.

"Why do you say it just now instead of when you were a boy?"

Helenus stayed silent. What was he supposed to say?

"We constantly tried to be nice to you, all of us. I tried to cheer you up after you first Ares' games, to tell you hey, it's no big deal" Deiphobus went on.

Helenus grimaced at that memory.

"But it was a big deal. It was a disaster. I knew it and you knew it, too. And I don't like it when people think they can play with me" he retorted, trying not to sound as annoyed as he felt.

Deiphobus stared at him.

"Play... that was not the point, I was trying to be nice! Besides, you have a mouth to speak! At least once, you could've said something like thanks but I don't want to talk, thanks but I want to be alone now or even don't lie to me, I made a mess. At least once. Instead, you came off as dismissive, sullen and utterly obnoxious"

That hurt. He didn't need to be reminded that people couldn't stand him.

"I didn't know what to say. That's kind of the point of keeping to oneself" Helenus replied quietly.

Deiphobus was silent for a while. Then he spoke again.

"By the way, sorry for the whipping joke at Hector's wedding. I wasn't aware of the implication. Which brings me back to my point: if you want people to know something, maybe you should try telling them!"

He wanted to point out that he was doing exactly that right now. He was telling Deiphobus that he was shy.

But Deiphobus was making him feel uncomfortable and he had already opened up more than he liked to.

"I know" he said curtly.

"Well, anyway... better late than never" grumbled Deiphobus, walking away.