Laughter. It burbles out of my chest so freely. So giddily. I run through a wide open street. Vendors line the road, haggling and bartering. People are all around. It's so overwhelming, and yet it feels warm. It feels like home. Just up ahead in the crowd I can barely see familiar purple hair. Braided and long.
"Mom!" Was that Vi? She races up from behind me. Grabbing my smaller hand as she rushes past. She looks so vibrant. We dodge the shoppers crowding the road, laughing and giggling. It's like a game! Zigzagging every which way. I feel so free. When we finally catch up to Mamma, she kneels down to hug both of us. A great big bear hug. I feel so loved.
She scoops me up in her arms. As we walk away from the market, the crowd of people thins. When we reach home, I see Pappa sitting on his favorite recliner chair. His face dusted in soot and a smile. Vi runs to jump onto his lap, I can't help but giggle. She is so small compared to his hulking form. And yet, it feels so correct. Like, something that was missing suddenly found. Mamma laughs as she juggles her bag of groceries and me. I hold on tight. I'm afraid if I let go I will never see her again.
Our family dinner was interrupted by a knock on the door. A visitor. Our parents' relaxed postures suddenly went ridged. It was Vander. Only Vander. The nice man from the bar. He gave me and Vi fruit juice sometimes. I like him. He reminds me of Pappa. His face isn't friendly this time, instead glowering with tight anger. Mamma and Pappa invited him in to sit. Poured him some drinks, but the mood had shifted. It felt sickly, dangerous. I have no idea why.
Mamma soon escorted me and Vi to bed. Vi protested, but I'm too tired. My eyelids feel heavy. A small voice somewhere inside whispers how weak I am. But as Mamma carries both me and Vi to our room, all I feel is protected. So what if I'm weak? I have Mamma, Pappa, and even Vi by my side. I don't need to be strong.
Mamma sings our favorite lullaby, it's our tradition. Once the song is over, she kisses us both goodnight and leaves. Vi takes a moment to settle down on our shared mattress. She is still upset that our parents wouldn't let us stay longer to talk with Vander.
I just cuddle up closer to her. I feel so safe. I feel like we are indestructible. I can hear our parents talking outside our room. Their voices are only murmurs in the background. I nuzzle closer to Vi. Her arm draped around me. Please, don't leave me.
I wake to Vi shaking me. I immediately knew something was wrong. "Powder, wake up!" I mumble a protest incoherently and sleepily. "Something's wrong." That stirs me a bit. "Mom and Dad are nowhere to be found and I think I heard a big explosion." I'm up.
She takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen. Nobody is there. The drinks from earlier are still laying around, only half drinken. "They aren't in bed, and the kitchen is still a mess. Mom never leaves the kitchen dirty!" Her voice is hushed, but shaking. She is visibly afraid. I just look up at her, no words are coming. "An explosion woke me up, it was nearby. Powder, we need to find them." I nod. Let's go.
The streets of Zaun are weirdly quiet. The usual gangs or drunk brothel workers are nowhere to be seen. We are never allowed to wander at night, not without our parents. But this was an exception. The streets are totally empty. Vi leads the way, my arm limp as she pulls me around.
I can smell smoke. It stings my eyes and burns my throat. It's coming from the bridge. It's burning, the entire thing is in flames. Sharp cracks and cries can be heard from where we stand. Vi pulls me closer. My feet protest but she is stronger. She is always stronger.
We are standing at the beginning of the bridge. Vi knows we aren't allowed here. Mamma and Pappa always warned us, stay away from the bridge. Yet here we stood. Frozen. The painful noises coming from the bridge have slowed, but not stopped. The fires have only raged brighter, stronger. The smoke is painful, yet Vi stands watching. "I wanna go home." I mumble into her arm.
I lost track of time as we stood watching. It felt like hours. She suddenly drops to her knees, eye to eye with me. "Close your eyes Powder. Don't open them, no matter what." I feel my cheeks, they are wet. I'm crying and I don't know why. She looks afraid, so I am afraid. "Sing Mom's lullaby okay? Sing loud enough for me to hear. That way, if Mom is on the bridge, she will hear you and come find us." I nod because there is nothing else I can do. Weak. Why am I so weak?
"Remember, keep your eyes shut. No matter what you hear." She takes one of my hands and puts it over my eyes for me. Grabs my other hand and leads me forward. I don't have anything else to do. So I sing. I remember all the words. They are engraved in my memory. I hope Mamma can hear me. Maybe I'm not singing well enough?
The ground beneath me is sharp and uneven. My shoes are not thick enough to keep the pain from reaching my feet. I keep my hand pressed against my eyes, just like Vi told me. She knows what's best, she is never wrong.
I sing, just like Mamma does. Any minute now, she will come up and hold me. Scold us for wandering around so late at night. Pappa would probably insist on some form of punishment. Maybe laundry duty for the week. I can live with that, chores are fun when Vi is with me. She makes them fun, like a game. I notice Vi has stopped walking. Her hand is tight around mine. She holds my hand so tight it hurts. The air is so hot. It burns my face and nose. It smells bad. Like gunpowder and blood. Why did we stop?
I open my eyes to look up at her. She told me not to, but I wanna make sure she is alright. Her face is contorted in a way I have never seen before. It is a face of unspeakable fear. But Vi isn't afraid of anything, right? Right? She is breathing funny, way too fast. I wonder if her lungs burn like mine?
I look around, to see what she sees. It is hazy with smoke. The air is red as blood, and just as thick. Rubble is everywhere, and I can see resting bodies among the debris. Vi grabs my hand even tighter. Any more and my hand might shatter. I see what she is looking at now. It is Vander. He is mercilessly beating somebody.
Once he stops, his focus turns to us. Vi tenses next to me. Isn't he a friend? Her reaction suggests otherwise. She pushes me behind her as he approaches. He is scary right now. Not the nice man from the bar. Not the one who laughs with his whole body, the one who lets me borrow his crayons when I'm bored. He has huge gauntlets on. Stained with the fluids of other humans. All of which I presume are long gone.
Vi is frantically looking around, if anyone knows where our parents went it was him. He looks very sad, face in a deep frown. I feel Vi stiffen next to me. Both her and Vander are looking at something in the distance. In the rubble. As thick smoke clears, I can see familiar features. It's Mamma!
Mamma is different. Her body is at a weird angle, and her eyes are staring far beyond the bridge. She looks empty, like a human husk. She is laying atop some other people, one of which I can barely make out as Pappa. He is just as unmoving as her. I can't help but hug Vi even more. I think Mamma and Pappa have gone away. She seems to think so too. She starts breathing way too fast, tears sliding from her eyes.
She falls to her knees. This time, out of raw emotion, not trying to comfort me. I had rarely seen Vi cry, this makes me feel frightened. I just hug her. I don't know what else to do. I feel so weak, helpless, and fragile. Vi cries into my arms, I can only hold her. Like Mamma does when I am sad.
I don't know what has happened, but I'm tired. My eyes are drooping. My chest hurts from the poisoned air. My hand hurts from Vi's strong grip. My feet hurt from walking on burning rubble. I just want to sleep. Vander picks me up in one arm, Vi in the other. He reminds me of Pappa. He carries me and Vi like this when we are tired and can't walk anymore.
My eyes droop against my will. I feel exhausted, all my tears dried up on my face. He carries us away, I don't know where. Vi is next to me, she will keep me safe. She won't leave me. Right?
I gasp awake. Not that one again. Of all my nightmares, that one is the most frequent. It's painfully vivid. I feel tears on my face. Silent tears. Tears from long ago. Tears I have cried ten fold. Yet, they don't burn. That dream is the one of the only ones I never wake from in frantic panic. I guess I accepted the pain so long ago, it's more of a memory. Before I had flowing braids. Before my name was Jinx. Before Vi left me.
I reach up to brush my tears away. Crying is for weaklings. Weaklings like Powder. I reach up and brush them away. With my arms. Holy shit, my arms! They are free! I don't have that dumb jacket anymore! Haha those suckers! Now I can really show them what it means to mess with Jinx! And I can break that fucking chair! HELL YEAH!