A/N: I got tired of this stuff, but I'm bored now.

Chapter 2 – The Adorable Elf

"HERMIONE! Is that you? Good god. What happened to you? Where the hell are you underneath those sheets?"

"I know, guys, but it's so cold, I can't bear wearing thin clothes," she replied.

'Poor, Hermione,' thought Ron. 'Cellulite must have clouded her eyes, too.'

"Anyway," Ron said, trying to change the topic. "How was your summer?"

"Oh, you wouldn't believe, this," she excitedly shouts. "I had a summer fling!"

'With the fridge?' thought Ron again.

"Really?" the two boys ask in unison, half-surprised, half-doubtful. "Who's the lucky guy?" Harry continued, also doubting on the word lucky.

"It doesn't matter," she said resentfully. "He broke up with me."

"I can't see why," Harry said to comfort her, though you could trace subtle sarcasm in his words.

"He said he needed time out," she said. A few tears welled up in her eyes.

"That's okay, Hermione. Looks aren't everything."

"Looks? What do you mean Looks?"

"I mean—"

"Looks? Is that what you think, Harry? That I've gone ugly over the summer so he broke up with me!"

"No, no—"

"Why! I don't see anything wrong, Harry! Maybe I've gained a couple of pounds, but does that make me so repulsive that my boyfriend would want a time out!"

'A couple?' Ron thought. 'She's a couple is more like it.'

"I—"

"Is that it! Do I look uglier than before! I can't believe you, Harry! You're supposed to be my friend. I can't believe you've gone shallow over the summer!"

'Shallow Harry or thick Hermione? Shallow Harry or thick Hermione? Shallow Harry or thick Hermione?' thought Ron, in a singsong tone in his head. He's having a bit of fun, obviously.

"But—" Harry defended himself, but failed miserably. "Ron, help me out, please," he begged.

"Yes, Ron, add insult to the injury!" she cries. "If that's even possible!"

"Hermione, well, it's simple," Ron said as calmly as possible. "You've become a pig."

oooooooo

The other side of the story that this writer promised writing about happens right after he storms out of the dress shop. This writer will write whatever she wants to write since it is after all, fanfiction. Her mind may be full of crappy out-of-the-world ideas, but everything, and she means everything, is possible in fanfiction.

Draco Malfoy, as we all know, through all fanfiction worldwide, whether it be gay or straight, is a hunkababe-honk-if-you-think-he's-hot-toot-toot-he-IS-hot-right-on type of guy, with the look-at-my-sexy blonde hair and the oozing sex appeal and the hard-to-get-hard-to-please-but-soft-inside bad boy demeanor. Then add the in-fanfiction-I'm good at Quidditch-but-in-reality-I-suck-but-I-don't-care-everybody-loves-my-quidditch-muscles bit. It's a pain to see our hot villain turn into a celery stick, but that's exactly what happened. Right after 6th year ended, he met an innocent lady, named Volda, a few years younger than him. Being the conceited guy and all, he bet he could get into her pants in one snap of his fingers. Crabbe and Goyle and Zabini (the ever-so-loyal friends of his) placed a bet on Draco's seductive abilities. Obviously, Volda fell into his trap, got madly in love with our hunk and became his slave—both in sex and in life. But since Draco's heart is as hard as diamonds, the innocent girl got dumped and she eventually knew about the bet. The four friends' vendetta against the poor girl backfired. Volda turned out to be Voldemort's secret daughter! And so, instead of Avada Kedvra-ing him, she turned our hunk into a 5-foot, 50-pound walking stick to suffer as much as she did, or perhaps even more. Voldemort, on the other hand, thought that Draco was indeed clever to be able lure her own daughter, who was known to be un-lurable, but was angry nonetheless, so he didn't interfere with his daughter's way of punishment. Lucius Malfoy was of course, shocked and appalled by his son's non-existent physique, but knew how Voldemort would react if he retaliated.

"Draco!" Lucius shouted over the hundreds of wizards in Diagon Alley. "DRACO! WHERE IN—"

"I'm here, father," cried out little Draco. Apparently, the tolerable number of people coming in and out of the alley was a stampede for him. Footprints and shoemarks stained his bony face. Crack. 'I think I broke a face bone,' he thought.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE!"

"Learning how to swim," he replies sarcastically. "I fell, obviou-- OUCH! Move it you fat pig!"

"You shouldn't dive when there's no water, shrimp," replied the "fat pig".

The hot-tempered little boy took out his wand and pointed it at the "fat pig". "Keep that," Lucius orders. The pissed Draco reluctantly kept his wand in his big pockets.

"Let's go. You're mother is waiting for us."

ooooooooo

When they reached their mansion, Draco was informed of a visitor.

"Oh, Narcissa!" greeted Mary Sue Snape. It still came as a shock to the Malfoys that Snape secretly had a wife and a daughter. Ooh, kiss, kiss, hug, hug. "I've been longing for your company, my dear friend—"

"Smooches, my dear, Mary Sue," Narcissa replied. "It really has been indeed a long time."

"My daughter, Mary Kate," Mary Sue said as she presented her daughter. The girl was not at all ugly. She was at an average height, long black hair, and black piercing eyes. She nodded a good afternoon to Narcissa, "What a lovely family, Mrs. Malfoy," Mary Kate said and the old hag immediately loved her.

Draco couldn't take his eyes off of the dashing Mary Kate.

"What a darling little elf," Mary Kate said. "Look, mother, she's looking at me."

Well, Draco… you know how he reacted.

"This is my SON, DRACO," Narcissa said, with a hint of anger in her tone.

"HA," was all they could say.

"Lucius!" Narcissa called out. "Your son's in a bit of a fit again! I think he wants to throw the vase at our visitors!"

The Snapes started to move away. "Oh, don't worry, he can't hurt you."

And surely, Draco was trying to pick up the small vase from the table but was too weak to do so. CRASH!

"Draco!"

"I'm going to my room!"

And so, the walking stick went walking to his room.

ooooooooooooooo

Draco had nothing better to do that night but to sit in his window pane, reminiscing the times when he was still hot. 'Oh, the times when I was still hot,' he thought.

Then suddenly, his owl came tapping on the window.

"Hello, Ashley, How are you, today?"

"Tweet, tweet," replied the bird, which means she was tired.

"What have we got here? Hmmm…

Dear Mr. Malfoy,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been chosen to be the next school year's Head Boy. You will be working with fellow 7th year student, Hermione Granger. I have been informed of your tough ordeal involving the Dark Lord's Daughter. Since the Head positions are a team, please do not hesitate to ask help from Miss Granger if you have difficulties with tasks and vise versa.

I believe Hogwarts would be in good hands this year despite the death of Professor Dumbledore.

See you on the first of September!

Signed,

Professor Gandalf"

A/N: Don't you just love the names? Lol I know it's been a long long long long long time. I'm now writing classic style short stories that has nothing to do with Harry Potter. I'm afraid I lost my touch with fanfiction. Review anyway, though. :-) thanks for all the lovely reviews, people. Will try to update more.