A/N: ... Well. I thought I wasn't going to write another fic anymore, but this things been bugging me ever since I first started reading Shaman King. Arghhhh Can't take it anymore. This is probably my weakness -- when I don't see a lot of fics about the pairings I like, I can't help but write one out of desperation :( I have found several awesome HaoxLyserg fics here, but ... wahhh T.T not enough flips table
Disclaimer: Characters are from Shaman King. They do not belong to me.
Warning: Yaoi (boyxboy), implied sexual content, AU, alcohol, dry humor
Spoilers: Not much, just up to chapter 181 in the manga, and after that it's all made up.
Summary: Hao, come here, let me slap you, and then I will tell you why you made Lyserg cry, yet again. (Warning: Yaoi, HaoxLyserg)
Because I listen to music when I write: "Shrine Maiden Kikyou" from Inuyasha
'The Moon, the Wolf, and a Pond'
By Crimson Nightmare
"Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is." ---- German Proverb
Chapter 1 - I'm confused, and nobody else is.
Lyserg POV
I admit I have had a few drinks, but...
"SO! Tell me, little Lyserg..." he grabs my hair and pulls me close.
So close. So close that our noses are touching. His fingers thread through my hair and grips the strands so tightly that my scalp immediately feels hot, raw pain. His eyelashes casts dark and mysterious shadows on his cheeks. Looking, for all his villain glory, like a pretty baby with big black eyes, he grins at me. I can feel his breath, oozing with alcohol and a tint of cherry, breezing by my lips...
...And I slap him across the face and then turn to Yoh, "Your brother. He is drunk. Please contain him in a fire-proof box behind bars."
Yoh grins (a grin freakishly identical to his brother's) at me, sporting a red hand mark on his cheek (courtesy of Anna-san) as if it was something that he expects to be there at any time of the day. "Sorry Lyserg, this house is pretty old and I think it's all wood. I think you'll have to take him outside..."
"Me? Why do I have to take him outside? Why don't---"
"LYSERG DEAR! LET ME CONFESS MY UNDYING LOVE FOR---" Ryu's voice comes from inside the kitchen, causing both Yoh and I to look at each other and wince.
So I backed down.
"Fine. I'll take him outside. But if he murders me, you'll be responsible. Then I'll definitely come back and tell Anna to punish you." I glare at him, seriously thinking about the ways that I would be able to come back and haunt him. Yoh pales, and grins at me again. Weakly, this time.
I'll let him off the hook. I drag the drunken twin brother outside to the back garden, and I wonder if I can push him into the pond since it's such a good opportunity. Of course, I do so after a few seconds of pondering.
This is the first time that I can remember, that Hao's presence does not throw me into a traumatic flashback. I refuse to say, outloud, that I am not scared stiff of Hao's presence, but I can't stop myself from feeling it. His presence throws me into shameful tremors. My legs grow weak, my hands ball into fists, and my breathes become as shallow as it was during that fire.
"You're so...tiny."
His voice makes the hairs on my neck stand. The fact that it is, to a certain degree, similar to Yoh's ever-so-comforting voice, scares me even more. I will never forget what he said. Tiny. Not just in age, body size, or power. No. He was talking about my presence. Like something that a dragon would look down and say to an ant. You are so tiny, he says. I can crush you without even knowing it, but I feel too lazy to even do so. I can hardly even notice you. You are so tiny.
"Where are my father and mother?"
The look in his eyes drains the blood from my face. Even now, I have trouble looking at him straight in the eye. Even after Yoh defeated him, even after I started living and working with everyone, including Hao, in this inn, I still can't look at him in the eye when I say good morning. His eyes are wide and dark and...so childlike. He scares me...so much...
But that moment...Just now...
I realize that, just now, I was not afraid of him at all, when I slapped him, or when I said he could murder me in the backyard. It's a rather delayed reaction, but right now, simply thinking back about what I said to Yoh, my heart starts to beat fast in realization and fear. Hao really can murder me right now, burn my corpse in the backyard, and nobody would notice in time to stop him. Yet, when I said this, I was not afraid. This realization makes my chest tighten, my throat dry, like all the other times when I'm thrown into an internal panic by Hao's presence.
How could I have not been afraid of him just now? What happened?
Am I getting used to his presence?
No way. Never. Ever. Never ever ever.
Forgive, but never forget.
If I forget, my dead parents would never forgive me.
If I forget, I would never, ever, forgive myself.
Yet, for the second time, I find myself speaking fearlessly of him. This, is three weeks after.
He stops in front of me, wearing only a pair of navy blue shorts, under the hot August sun.
It's very bright. The sky is very blue. Blue does not become Hao. In my memories, he's always red and bright, like the fire of a star. And black, or charcoaled corpses of people. He looks at me, points at the basketball that hit my ankle just now, and then grins an easy grin. "Sorry about that."
I nod back politely, but all I want to do at the moment is to back away slowly and then run away screaming. I'm not exaggerating, there was a moment just now that I thought I really am going to do such things. It's ridiculous. It's real. It's ridiculously real. This fear. This empty world with nothing but fear. In his presence, everything else falls apart, and I can't stand back up.
He bends down and reaches toward the basketball. His hair flows like the hair that of a doll. Black and silky. It slides along his back like water. Gentle, and beautiful. He holds the ball under an arm, and for a moment there I manage to look into his eyes. In my fear-paralized stance, I can only watch, speechless, as he raises his gaze to mine. He smiles, lightly.
"Does it hurt?"
Startled, I look down at the ankle in question. His fingertip brushes over the skin that has now developed a slight, pinkish bump. It is swollen, it hurts a little, and his fingertips feel like warm silk and blazing razers at the same time. I almost lose my ability to stand straight. I am terrified.
"No." Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone, please...
I forget. He can naturally read minds. Because as soon as I thought those words, he looks up at me, his face a blank mask, and then he withdraws his fingers, putting them in his right pocket. I can't see his eyes anymore. He lowers his head as he stands back up. He smirks again.
"Ah. That's good. Sorry again."
And when he turns to walk away, for some reason, I stop him.
Anybody would feel guilty after seeing that kind of display. Perhaps I have hurt his feelings, if they do exist at all. What to believe? Hao is an enigma of a thousand years old. It is idiotic to be paranoid all the time, but it is fatal to let one's guard down around a person named Hao.
But for this single moment, I am suddenly fearless. I reach out and put a hand on his shoulder.
I think this is the first time I've ever seen Hao being startled by anyone other than Yoh. His eyes widen a little as he looks back at me a little disbelievingly. As if it is impossible that I would ever initiate anything that has to do with him. And he would be right if he thinks this way, I always try to stay as far away from him as possible. Yet, I reached out, just now, and lightly touched a spot on the tip of his shoulder.
When he turns around, my sudden boost of courage vanishes.
"...It's okay." I manage, and then I flee.
He kissed me this morning.
I wonder where my courage has all gone. Fighting a nemesis doesn't seem like the hardest thing to do anymore. I used to think so, but now I question myself. I question that perhaps I'm having a harder time now living peacefully with my family's murderer. I question the fact that I seem to have currently dwindled down into a small jar of history scripts, in an ocean, fearing that if I ever let my guard down, my past would be erased by the salty waters of the ocean and tears.
I've changed. We've all changed to a certain degree. I'm not the fighter I was anymore. The fighting has passed.
I did not win.
I don't consider myself the loser, but I am not the winner either. Hao's beliefs have been changed. A win. Hao is still alive. A lost. I have gotten past my limits during the fight. A self-win. I did not kill Hao. A self-lost. My world seems to have degraded down to eatting, drinking, living, breathing. Hao creates an occasional fear, but that's about all the ripples in my life nowadays.
Tonight I drink sake on the porch. This inn is old, but it has beautiful scenery. My feet are bare against the old, rough surface of the flooring. The moon's reflection on the pond is bright and pale. It ripples every once in a while, and I feel a blank, steady anger towards it.
I throw my half empty cup of sake at the reflection of the moon, creating a small splash. The moon distorts, and then falls back into place.
Then I jump into the pond, creating a much larger splash. My white yukata is drenched. The moon is destroyed.
The water only reaches my chest. I can't even drown myself in this place. I raise my head, and see that the moon is still up in the sky.
I did not win.
"You can jump and drown yourself for all you like, but you don't really have to try to drown me as well while you're at it." An drily amused voice came from the porche behind me.
I know this voice. Of course I do. My world seems to revolve around the ripples he creates. I know the feeling of this presence. Every time he appears, my world crumbles. I turn around and my mind draws a blank at the sight in front of me.
"Geeze, I think you're drunk. Well, serves you right for doing the same to me last time." Hao brushes the black strands of wet hair from his face. They fall on his shoulders like black snakes crawling under the moonlight. His hands fascinate me. They thread through his silky strands, and then they push the black, wet yukata off of his shoulders. I shiver in the pond.
He looks at me, and laughs. "Are you just going to stay in there? You'll have only turtles as feeding buddies. Come out of there, ahou, you'll catch a cold.(1)"
I don't move.
He bends and catches both of my hands. He pulls me on shore. And then he kisses me for a second time today. This kiss is nothing like the small good morning prank kiss his he gave me this morning. His arm is around my waist; his other hand gripping the back of my head, pushing me against him. My lips feel like ice compared to his.
He pushes my wet yukata off of my shoulders for me. And I hate him for it, because in a flash, I find that he has already successfully taken me to his bed.
What's happening?
What's happening?
Stop it. Stop it stop it stop it.
In bed, his eyes burn like white lightning. He is laughing. He is playing with me. I knew it. If I let my guard down just for one moment...
He would win.
To be continued...
"One of the things which danger does to you after a time is -, well, to kill emotion. I don't think I shall ever feel anything again except fear. None of us can hate anymore - or love." ---- Graham Greene - The Confidential Agent (1939)
A/N: Coming up next chapter, in Hao's POV. Yoh makes an appearance as well. I have finished writing this fic. There are three chapters in it. With a possible epilogue, but I'll decide that later. I'd love to hear what you think. (Ah. a-actually it's just because I just wanna promote some HaoxLyserg writing...(is ashamed and runs away)) This is not beta-ed, therefore I know there are grammar mistakes. If there's any nice passersby who are willing to beta, please leave a review and contact info :)
I write a lot of things that seem choppy, without chronicle order, and random. I like to reflect every little I write back to somethings I had written earlier. You must have a lot of patience and a bit of weird logic to understand. Too bad I'm not good enough to make my writings any easier to understand. I wish to improve though.
Note: (1) Ahou: Idiot