She stood staring at the waves lapping on the shore so hypnotic and soothing that it almost made her forget the conflict raging in her head. Her mind kept looping to his hopeful smile and his casual offer of hanging out and watching a movie together. Was she over thinking his offer? They were close friends, "best friends" she had admitted to him before she jetted off to Kenya with Ethan. Isn't that what best friends did? Hang out and watch a movie together after a long day? She shook her head in frustration trying to literally clear the confusion that had been building in her mind for the past few months. Sighing in defeat, she closed her eyes and rubbed them.
Somewhere in the past year, she couldn't pinpoint when or where, he had become very important to her. She was ready to call off her plans to join Ethan in Africa if he had only expressed some sort of doubt or hesitancy. But, no, he actually encouraged her to go. He fully supported her. Knowing that she would miss their friendship but that it would only be for 6 months, she embraced the adventure until the adrenaline started to wear off and the days turned longer between telephone calls. It was halfway into her trip that she realized she truly missed him. She missed his ridiculous banter, his ever present ability to disappear when real work was needed on the estate, his losing battle to keep coin in his bank account, his easy-going smile, his perpetually positive attitude and his uncanny ability to read her when no one, not even Richard could.
As she thought of Richard, she was forced to admit that Thomas Magnum understood her on a deeper level than Richard ever did and it frightened her. How was it that he was able to do this? Richard was a seasoned operative skilled in subterfuge and a master at reading people. Was it because she didn't let him ever see the real her? Was it sub-conscious? Why didn't she let Richard in? He was her fiancé. They were going to start a family together. He was supposed to know her better than herself.
She took a deep breath and physically willed herself to relax. She couldn't avoid him forever. He would know something was wrong. He always did. Thinking back she couldn't help but laugh when she thought how futile it was for her to have kept MI-6 a secret from him. Like a dog with a bone, Magnum was relentless and angry when he finally confronted her. She was surprised by his anger. She'd rarely seen him display that level of unhappiness with anyone let alone herself. Only afterwards, was she able to see the utter fear that matched the anger. He was genuinely afraid of losing her and that was one of the moments that made her pause and start to see him in a new light.
She smiled and shook her head. Dr. Ogawa was right. She needed to sort through her feelings or she would be at this impasse for god knows how long.
Magnum stared at his best friend's back while she looked out at the ocean lost in thought. He had sauntered into her library hoping to entice her on a run on the beach before dinner. Instead he found her contemplating the waves. His gut told him something was bothering her, something important. He hesitated to call out to her wanting to respect her privacy and was turning around to leave when a gust of wind caught her shoulder length hair and casually blew it to the side. Something about that moment kept him rooted to the floor continuing to watch her from afar. He quickly realized that a few months ago, he wouldn't have stared at her like this. Like a thirsty man looking at a cup full of water. It was only when she shook her head that he broke from his stare and silently stepped toward her.
"Hey," he called softly not wanting to startle her.
He stopped two feet from her.
Despite his soft call, she jumped ever so slightly and turned to face him. He gave her a smile when she realized it was him.
She smiled back but it didn't reach her eyes. He could tell she was glad to see him but that there was something bothering her.
"I was looking for you," he simply stated deciding that the truth was the best course of action at the time.
"Oh," she looked surprised. "Did something happen?" Her face turned quizzical.
He smiled again, in part to soothe her and reassure himself. "No, nothing's wrong. I just wanted to see if you wanted to take a run before dinner," he explained casually.
She paused before answering him. He was including her in many of his activities lately and at first she thought nothing of it. Even though they spent the better part of almost every day together working cases, they still enjoyed each other's company when it was time to wind down. Lately, he had been asking her to have a drink before heading to the main house or to watch a movie or to take a run on the beach with him. It was getting harder and harder to say no and it scared her.
Giving a small smile, she said, "Thanks but I think I'll pass this time. I promised Robin I would send him next month's budget proposal this evening."
"Sure, of course, no problem," Magnum said automatically as he tried to suppress his disappointment.
He turned to leave but stopped mid-turn. Higgins watched his back still. He turned back to face her the distance between them still close enough to touch.
"Is something wrong, Higgy?" he asked quietly.
"No, why?" she replied with more force than she had intended.
He looked her in the eyes searching for something.
"What?"she asked defensively.
He took a depth breath. She froze. Her heart started racing. She felt like a teenager caught after curfew. She chided herself for letting her emotions control her.
"Because, correct me if I'm wrong, but it kind of seems like you've been trying to avoid me these last few weeks," he said.
"Why would you think that?" she retorted back frantically trying to find an excuse to use that he wouldn't see through. "We've worked 6 cases in the last month and I've not avoided you one bit."
"Yes, that's true. But you've been avoiding me "after" work," he said using his fingers to air quote the words "after". "Am I wrong?"
She looked at him like a deer caught in headlights.
"Higgy?" he said with more concern. "Tell me what's wrong." It was more statement than request.
She released a breath she didn't realize she was holding. She looked around and sat down on the chase. She would need to be sitting to have this discussion she decided. She gestured to him to sit down as well.
Sitting even closer than they were standing, she made a conscientious effort to scoot back one foot from where he was sitting. Confused, he simply stared at her waiting for her to explain.
She took a huge breath and started slowly. "I ... I have a problem that I can't seem to find the solution for."
He looked confused. "OK, what's the problem?"
"I don't think you can help," she stated simply.
"Why? I'm pretty good at giving advice, you know," he said in a playful tone and smiled.
"Yes, albeit that MIGHT be true," she emphasized the word "might". "I reiterate that I do not believe you can help with this problem."
"OK, why?" he shook his head in mild confusion.
"Because, Thomas ... it involves you," she bravely blurted out instantly relieved and nervous at the same time.
He stared at her and then broke out in a wide grin. "Are we talking about the sexy dreams?" he teased.
"It was one dream, Magnum. I wish you would stop bringing it up," she huffed.
"So, it's not about the dream?" he made sure to use the singular.
"No. Yes. Not really," she stammered.
"Honestly, Higgy. I'm confused," he said as he looked at her.
She considered him for a second. "Why did you ask me to hang out with you and watch a movie the other night?"
"Uh, cause I thought it would be nice to hang out?" he replied with a furrowed brow. His slight defensiveness was not lost on Juliet.
"Why did you ask me if I wanted to take a run with you just now?" she fired back.
"We've gone on runs before. I don't understand."
Juliet paused and considered whether she should say what was running through her head.
"Kumu said you've been avoiding Lia's calls," she finally said in as neutral a voice as she could muster.
Throwing up his eyebrows, Magnum said equally neutrally, "OK, yes, I have. How is it that Kumu knows this?"
"Don't deflect, Magnum," she said tersely.
"OK, fine. Now I know you're angry with me because you called me Magnum."
"What?" she asked incredulously. "That is indeed your name is it not?"
"Yeah but you usually call me Thomas these days. You only call me Magnum when you're angry with me," he supplied smoothly.
Juliet blinked. He was right. Again, he showed that he knew her better than she thought.
"Nevertheless," she countered. "Why are you avoiding Lia's calls?"
"Look who's deflecting now," he replied. Not wanting to get into an argument, he shifted back into the chase cushion to put more space between them. He sighed, "I just didn't feel like talking to her. We agreed to take a break."
"I thought you would be delighted to rekindle your relationship," she asked as she scoured his face for some reaction to her words.
Instead he shrugged and said, "At first I thought I did but when I really thought about it, I was OK that we decided to stop seeing each other." He scratched his head absently. "I don't know. We had fun together for sure but ... she's not ... , " he stopped in his tracks.
"She's not what?" Juliet said cautiously.
He stared at her unsure if he should finish his thoughts. "She's not ... you," he said quietly.
Juliet sat there across from him perfectly still. He had said the words that she both dreaded and dreamed of.
Magnum looked at her silently, his heart racing and his anticipation levels skyrocketing.
"I see," she finally said.
"That's all you're going to say?" he replied unsure of himself.
"I honestly don't know what to say Thomas," she staring back at him her face so much calmer than the emotions circling through her after his words.
"Well," he took a breath. "I think we should talk about this, don't you?" His tone was hopeful.
"Yes, right. OK," she answered nervously. She paused, "Are you sure you want to go there?"
He thought about it for a second. "Yes," he said with growing confidence. He stopped again to gather his thoughts.
Contrary to what his friends had thought, he had thought a lot about how he felt about her. When she called him her "best friend" before leaving for Kenya, he had blithely replied "ditto" but when he went home that evening and thought about it, he realized she was right. He had always considered TC, Rick and Nuzo to be his best friends but what he had with Higgins was different. It was somehow deeper if that was even possible. He felt complete when she was with him and when she wasn't, it felt like something was missing. If something important happened, Higgins was the first one he wanted to tell. Even though they literally lived 50 feet apart from each other, he found himself texting her at all hours with whatever came to his mind from the case they were working on to a snap shot of the sunset to a silly joke he heard. Ever since she returned from Kenya, he found himself subconsciously finding excuses to spend time with her. Hanging out watching a movie, taking a run on the beach or even offering to cook the occasional meal for them. He liked spending time with her and it seemed to him that she liked it too.
She sat tight lipped and stiff staring expectedly at him. Obviously, she was uncomfortable with the subject but he couldn't tell if she was nervous or relieved he had called him out.
"So ... " he started. He glanced at her. She remained still. He sighed. "Tell me what Dr. Ogawa said about us."
"What? What makes you think Dr. Ogawa said anything about us?" she asked exasperated.
"Because that's why you went to see her in the first place, right?"
Juliet looked at him and inwardly groaned. He saw through her again. Should she tell him the truth or deflect? He was so infuriating sometimes. She didn't know if she wanted to hit him or hug him.
He interrupted her thoughts by saying, "Remember when I told you this would only work if we were completely honest with each other?"
"Yes," she said reluctantly. "Yes, I recall that clearly."
"So, Dr. Ogawa?" he prompted.
"Dr. Ogawa ... thinks that I may have left Kenya because I ... missed my ohana," she trailed.
"That's sounds reasonable," he countered. "But, there's more, isn't there?"
"Well, I missed one particular person in my ohana especially," she finished.
"Me," he stated simply.
"Yes, Thomas. You." She was slightly relieved when it didn't look like he was freaked out when he finished the thought.
"She posited that perhaps my relationship with Ethan was not truly working because I didn't seem that upset by the fact that he had agreed to sign up for another six months of Doctor's Without Borders whilst I chose to remain in Hawaii."
"Is it true?"
"After some contemplation, I suppose she was right. That coupled with your 'unsolicited advice' in Robin's wine cellar after Aidan skipped town solidified it for me," she said quietly.
"Hmm," Magnum hummed. "Love is or it isn't," he reiterated.
"Yes," she said as she watched him intently.
"You know, when I first started to date Lia it was because I was lonely," he confessed.
She remained quiet.
He gave a small laugh. "I know I encouraged you to go to Kenya but that didn't mean I liked the idea."
"I know," she said quietly. "You supported my decision. Thank you for that."
He laughed again. "If you love something set it free."
"I should have saved my money and come to you instead of Dr. Ogawa," she said with a smile on her lips.
Magnum turned serious. "If I didn't let you go, how would you have known Ethan wasn't the one for you?"
Juliet stilled again at his words. Was that a confession of his feelings?
"Thomas," she said haltingly.
"I'm being honest, Juliet. I'm also being selfish."
"Selfish?" she said puzzled how that emotion came into play.
"When you first started dating Ethan, I told him that I had to learn to get used to another man in your life. By the way, that was harder than I thought. So when you announced you were going with Ethan to Kenya, I thought that that would be the ultimate test of your relationship with him. Either that was going to make you guys stronger or break you apart. I have to confess that for my own selfish reasons, I was hoping for the later."
"I see," she replied neutrally. "Ethan and I had a good thing but it wasn't enough." She struggled with her words. "In hindsight, I believe I loved him but wasn't in love with him."
Thomas nodded. "He wasn't Richard."
"No, clearly he wasn't but I don't know if I found someone like Richard now I would be happy to tell you honestly. So much has happened in the past decade that I think I've fundamentally changed as a person. I'm still the same but not. Do you know what I mean?"
He smiled. "Yeah, I do."
"Yes, you always seem to get me, don't you?" she said with a smile.
"You're my best friend," he said simply.
"Therein lies my problem," she replied.
He remained quiet looking at her in anticipation.
"A part of me doesn't want anything to change but a part of me does."
"Which part is currently winning?" he asked.
She laughed out loud. Leave it to Magnum to find humor in the current situation.
"Cause for me it changes a little every day," he replied as he looked at her. "It's getting harder and harder to fight it."
"Yes, it is, isn't it?" she said quietly.
He smiled at her. She saw understanding, acceptance and genuine love in that smile.
"Are you scared?" he asked.
"Terrified," she replied honestly.
"Me too," he whispered. "But, there's a part of you that wonders. A big part of you. Wonders 'what if I give in'? Wonders 'what if I stop fighting it'?"
Juliet nods.
"What if this is the chance of a lifetime?" he asked hopefully.
"What if it doesn't work out? I don't think I bear to lose you as my best friend," she countered logically.
"I know. I feel the same way." He paused thinking for a moment. "I lied to you about not dreaming about you."
"I knew it!" she retorted.
He laughed. "I didn't want it to get weird between us but it already has. You're avoiding me."
She didn't challenge him.
"Do you want to say yes when I ask you to hang out after work, to have dinner with me, to take a run with me?" he questioned.
"Yes," she answered quickly.
He smiled.
She sighed. "Oh god, Thomas. What are we going to do?"
He reached out and took her hand gently. It felt so natural to hold it. "Then I say we take it slow. Just enjoy each other's company and if it happens, don't fight it."
She looked at her hand in his. She had dreamed about this. She felt a sudden calm come over her as he rubbed his thumb gently over her hand. She felt safe and loved just from holding his hand. What would she feel if they gave into their feelings? She wasn't sure but she was willing to try now that she knew he felt the same way. The fear and uncertainty were still there but it was tempered with the steadiness, comfort and love he radiated.
She squeezed his hand and said, "I would love to take a run on the beach with you."
He beamed at her words.
"Me too," he said with a laugh and smile. "Me too."