Olivia's heart sank, she could feel it break within her chest, the whole new life she envisioned for Savina now that she will be in her care burned before her very eyes. She saw Savina's eyes harden, her jaws clenching tightly as she held Amanda's gaze steady. She didn't falter, she didn't hesitate, she was adamant about what she wanted, or rather what she didn't want. She did not want to know who her mother was. And in all honesty, Olivia couldn't blame her. It took all of the self-control she possessed to school her features and hide the pain, push back the tears that were pricking her eyes.
"Savina, just hear us out," Amanda pleaded gently. She understood where the girl was coming from, but she also knew what this was doing to Olivia. She didn't need to look at her Lieutenant to know that her heart was breaking. She heard the shuffling of feet behind her, and instinctively knew that Barba moved closer to Olivia to keep her calm. The last thing they needed was Olivia blurting out the truth, and Savina reacting badly to it.
But Savina simply shook her head, before she hissed and brought her hand up to her head. Olivia nearly bolted off the bed to comfort her when she saw the pained expression on her face, but Barba's hand on her shoulder stopped her.
"Sargent, trust me, many people before you have gone down that road with me and failed," she almost gasped through the pain, her eyes still closed, surely in an attempt to stop the room from spinning.
"Savina, it's not what you think. Your mom…." Amanda started to explain, but got cut off, when Savina's eyes snapped open, and her head – that was previously leaned back against the pillow – shot up to so that their eyes met. Amanda was taken aback by the anger in them. She knew the story that was in the file, and she suspected that Savina knew it as well. She was sure the girl would probably be hesitant to finding out her parentage, but she didn't think she would be this adamant. She was sure that every single emotion in the spectrum was showing on Olivia's face, and was surprised that Savina hadn't read into it by now. She blamed it on the concussion, drugs and alcohol in her system. Maybe doing this now was a bad idea, maybe they should have waited till tomorrow, till she was feeling a bit better before they bring it up. But then Savina's words took away any shred of hope Amanda had that they can calm her down, and turned it into dust. She honestly didn't know how Olivia was keeping her calm.
"My mom died when I was four in a car accident. The woman who gave birth to me," she hissed, and Olivia gulped. "She lost all rights to be called that, along with any rights to me when she left me on those steps." She growled.
Olivia closed her eyes, begging the tears not to fall. Savina's words cut deeper than the girl probably knew, she couldn't really blame her for believing that, but she also couldn't help the need to scream. Scream that none of it was true, scream for all the lost years, lost memories. Scream for all the pain her baby apparently endured, and then finally beg for a second chance. She was never the religious type, but at the moment, she was silently praying to whoever was listening not to take her baby away a second time.
"Lieutenant, are you alright?" Savina's concerned voice broke through her thoughts, and her eyes slowly fluttered open. She had managed to push the tears back down, and was hoping that her face didn't betray her. But the concern she saw in those big brown eyes told a different story. She slowly nodded her head, not trusting her voice enough to speak, but Savina did not look convinced.
"Look, I know that this case is opening up old wounds for you," Savina started, misinterpreting the pain she saw on Olivia's face. And Olivia didn't know if she should be grateful or pained. "She spent four days telling me what you alleged William had done to you; the four days with him, how obsessed you were with him, and how you managed to get him hung up on you. And finally, that beating you gave him," she continued softly, her tone making it very hard for Olivia to keep it together. "She described it in great detail, because she said that this was the final act." Her voice caught slightly at the end, and Olivia's heart lunged in pain. She just wanted to hold her, and do her best to take all the pain away. "But like I said this morning, she's a sociopath who fell in love with a rapist and a murderer, so I wouldn't put too much weight into her words. I wouldn't blame you if you recused yourself from the case," she offered softly, and that's when Olivia started to shake her head. "I can see the toll it's taking on you," Savina argued softly. "I don't wanna bring back old demons," Savina almost begged her, but Olivia wasn't going to back down. She knew that once they tell Savina the truth, that IAB and Dodds were probably going to yank her off the case. But until then, she would be damned if she let Savina believe that she was backing down from this fight.
"I won't let you face this alone, if anyone can help you through this, it's me," Olivia said adamantly, surprised by how steady her voice seemed. She hadn't realized that she had scooted closer to the girl, till Savina's hand softly slid into hers, and squeezed it reassuringly. They held each other's gaze for a moment, two sets of identical brown eyes boring into the other's soul. Olivia was hoping that she would be able to see the truth in her eyes. That she will know what they desperately wanted to tell her. But when she finally smiled at her warmly, before she turned to face Amanda, no form of recognition in her eyes, Olivia's eyes slid closed once more, as whatever was left of her heart shattered.
"Was there anything else Sargent?" Savina wondered, and Amanda's head snapped up from her phone. She had used the momentary distraction to shoot a text to both Fin and Carisi to let them know that Savina didn't know she was Olivia's, so that Carisi didn't spill the beans when he came.
"Actually, yes. We think we found where you were held, and one of our detectives is over there with CSU as we speak, so we should be getting more answers soon," she hastily replied, hoping that her voice wouldn't betray her either.
"You look like you have something else to say?" Savina pressed, and Amanda gave her a tight smile.
"Yeah, do you think you'd be able to recognize the woman's voice if you heard it again?" she asked, and Savina nodded. "Of course, I spent four days listening to it. I don't think I'll ever forget it," she assured her.
"Alright, that will help us a lot. Thank you," Amanda offered softly, before she finally turned around to face the other two in the room with them. And just like she suspected, Olivia was on the verge of a breakdown, and Barba was practically vibrating with suppressed emotions. She knew he was pissed if his jaws were set that tight, but she also knew that the anger wasn't really directed at Savina, but rather the circumstances that made her believe those things.
There was a sharp knock on the door, before it swung open, revealing Carisi.
"Savina, this is Detective Carisi, he'll be spending the night here until we can get a uniform out by the door," Amanda introduced, although the last part was a partial lie. They could've easily gotten a uni to cover the room, but once they knew who she was, they decided that until they can sort out the custody issue, one of them was going to be on guard. They weren't going to leave anything to chance.
"Did you get my text?" she asked coyly.
"Yeah," he replied, as he moved to shake Savina's offered hand. "Don't worry I got my laptop with me, I won't let you suffer through crappy late night TV," he quipped, winking jokingly at her, and she laughed softly, one hand moving to her side.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to cause you any pain," he quickly apologized, but she smiled reassuringly at him. "Trust me, it's never a bad thing when you make a girl laugh," she assured him.
"Well, I'll hold you to that. But I need to talk to these three for a minute, before the fun can officially begin," he said, before turning towards the three in question, and motioned with his head towards the door.
"We'll let you get some rest," Barba said softly, as he guided a distraught Olivia towards the door, returning Savina's smile.
Once they were all out of the room, Barba basically dragged Olivia into the nearby waiting area, where she basically collapsed onto the chair, burying her head in hands, as the tears finally came.
Thankfully they were the only ones there at that hour, and Carisi quickly closed the door behind them. "What do you mean she doesn't know?" he demanded.
"She believes she was abandoned on the steps of a church, and adamantly refused to let me tell her who her mother is," Amanda replied dejectedly.
"I can't blame her," Olivia murmured brokenly.
"She'll come around," Barba soothed, but she shook her head. "You don't know that," she retorted tearfully.
"But I think I know someone who does," he alluded, as he dug his phone out of his pocket, and quickly pulled up Eddie's number and dialed. Olivia looked at him questioningly, but before she could ask, Eddie answered.
"Hey Eddie, did you get home yet?" Barba asked, and relaxed ever so slightly at the answer he received. "I know that it's getting late, and you need to get home to your mom and son, but we need to talk to you about Savina. So is there a chance you can meet us at my place?" he said in one breathe, nodding his head as if Eddie could see him. "I'll send you the address," he said finally, before hanging up.
He quickly texted Eddie his address before he finally looked at the inquisitive faces around him. "He might be able to talk to her, or at least tell us how we can change her mind," he explained, and they nodded.
"Well, before you go," Carisi brought their attention back to him. "I went to the church, but couldn't speak to the nuns," he told them. "They're on a mission in Guatemala, and should be back in a couple of months. But since all I'm going on is first names, I need you to pick them out of a photo array," he continued, and Olivia furrowed her eyebrows.
"How on earth did you get their pictures?" she wondered.
"I saw that they have a youth program, so I checked their online page, and found pictures of the staff," he answered simply, and Amanda nodded her head.
"Nice work Carisi," she complimented, as he fished out his tablet, and handed it over to Olivia. She quickly looked through the pictures, before finally pointing to one of them. "That's them," she pointed to a picture with two nuns, one on each side of a teenage boy. Carisi stepped closer to her, and leaned in to take a better look at the picture. "Yeah, those two are leading the mission in Guatemala!" he said in frustration.
"What did you tell them at the church?" Amanda asked.
"That it was part of a larger investigation, and that we may need their help with a perp," he replied, and she nodded. "Alright, you go back to her, do not let it slip that she's Liv's. And I'll keep you posted." Amanda said firmly, and he nodded, before he headed back towards Savina's room.
"Why don't we go see what Eddie has to say about this?" Amanda suggested, and Olivia nodded.
Barba opened the door to his apartment, and the two women followed him in. Olivia knew that it was past Noah's bedtime, but she also knew that Lucia sometimes let him stay up. 'Spoiling him is part of an Abeulita's job description.' She often quipped when Barba protested to how much she spoiled Noah. She couldn't help but wonder if she would do the same with Savina. But despite the need she had to hold her child, she also found herself hoping that he was asleep. She desperately needed a drink, and she need to let it all out. They owed Lucia an explanation, and Eddie was on his way as well. So a toddler was not something she could deal with at the moment.
Thankfully, the apartment was quiet. A sure sign that Noah was sleeping, save for the sound of Lucia's heels as it clicked on the hardwood floor. She rounded the corner, a glass of wine in her hand, and a warm smile on her lips. A smile that vanished once she looked at Olivia – who looked like she was about to collapse right then and there – and her son, who seemed to be barely holding it together.
"Olivia?" she called questioningly, her tone betraying how worried she felt, but somehow still managed to sound soothing. She frowned when the only response she got from Olivia, was the fresh bout of tears that pooled into her eyes. She quickly used her free hand to gently pull Olivia into her, just as the doorbell rang.
Amanda, who was still idling by the door, yanked it open.
"Eddie?!" Lucia explained in surprise.
"Hello, Mrs. Barba," he greeted, as he walked into the apartment, one of his hands patting Barba on the shoulder gently.
"What's going on?" Lucia, now very much worried and on the verge of a panic attack, demanded.
"Why don't we all sit down?" Barba suggested, putting one of his hands on Olivia's back, and the other on his mother's arm, turning both women towards the living room. Olivia pulled back slightly from Lucia's embrace, but was grateful for the woman's comforting arm around her. They solemnly walked towards the designated room, and Olivia plopped into the nearest couch.
"Where's Noah?" she whispered.
"Fast asleep, he was exhausted," Lucia quickly replied. "Now, can someone please tell me what's going on?" she demanded once more.
"You said this was about Savina," Eddie started, his anxiety was getting the better of him. They all looked very grim, and he didn't like the feeling he had in the pit of his stomach.
"Who's Savina?" Lucia asked.
"The case I called in Liv for," Amanda replied, and Lucia turned to look at Eddie. "You know her?"
"Yeah, she lives with a foster family a couple of blocks away from me, and she teaches Danny swimming and archery," he explained hastily.
"That doesn't explain why you three look like this," Lucia, now losing her patience, almost snapped.
"She's mine!" Olivia's voice was barely audible as she whispered the declaration, the tears now making their way down her cheeks.
Lucia and Eddie both gaped at her, not entirely sure that they heard her correctly.
"What are you talking about?" Eddie whispered, but Olivia was too tired of retelling the story once more. She was grateful when Amanda narrated it quickly, not even stopping when the doorbell rang once more. Barba opened the door to reveal Fin, a very exhausted looking one at that too.
"Does she know?" Eddie wondered, once Amanda was done with the story.
"No," Amanda said regretfully. "She wouldn't let us tell her."
"Yeah, I got your message," Fin pipped up from the door. "What happened?" he asked.
"She believes she was abandoned on the steps of a church, and is adamantly refusing to know the woman who did this to her," Olivia exclaimed brokenly, her voice cracking, as fresh tears made their way down her cheeks. "She probably thinks I'm a hooker or something," she chuckled bitterly.
"No, she knows you're not," Eddie interjected, and Olivia's head snapped towards him.
"What you talking about?" Fin asked, bewildered.
"A few months ago, Diana managed to convince her to go digging into her past. She talked to the nuns at the church, and they were the ones who told her the abandonment story. The Matthews never told her the story, neither did her grandmother. They simply told her that the nuns at the church were the ones who gave her to them. So she knew where to start," he started.
"So how come she knows I'm not a hooker?" Olivia demanded angrily. Though Eddie knew that her anger was not directed at him, but rather the unfortunate situation.
"Because one of the nuns told her that she took her to a hospital to get her checked out," he continued. "And they talked to the nurse, who told her she didn't really buy the abandonment story," he recounted, and Olivia's eyes widened.
Lucia, who was perched on the coffee table in front of Olivia, one hand softly rubbing Olivia's to soothe her, turned to gape at Eddie. "Why?" she asked.
"The nurse said that Savina was too healthy; she tipped the scale at eight pounds, she showed no signs of malnourishment, no signs of withdrawal, no fetal alcohol syndrome, nothing. She was a perfectly healthy baby," he listed, and Olivia couldn't help the smile.
"Not to mention that it was pouring rain that night, and the sheet she was wrapped in, despite being drenched in blood, was not wet," he added.
"So she knows she wasn't abandoned?" Fin sought confirmation.
"Well, not in the way the nuns told her," Eddie hesitated slightly, looking over at a distraught Olivia, very much pained by what all of this was doing to her.
Lucia was quickly losing her patience, she could feel Olivia's body shaking, and as a mother, she could only imagine what this was doing to her. "So why on earth wouldn't she want to find out who her mother is?" she inquired.
"Savina has a tendency to catastrophize, so when she heard all of this, she figured that she was just an unwanted baby," he replied, his voice a tad over a whisper, and the apologetic tone was not lost on anyone in the room.
"I can't really blame her," Olivia remarked dejectedly. "And I'm not sure finding out the truth will change her mind all that much," she continued tearfully, and Barba's eyes cut to her. He knelt by her side, and put one of his hands on her shoulder, the other gently cupping her chin, and guiding her face so she would look at him.
"Liv, you can't think like that. She's not abandoned, she's not unwanted. I know you wanted her, you mourned her for years. You were still mourning her until you learned the truth," he retorted softly, but she continued to shake her head.
"I brought this on her!" she exclaimed angrily. "And do you know what my first thought was after the initial shock subsided?" she asked, and he shook his head. "I was relieved that she didn't grow up with me," she cried in pain, and everyone in the room – save Lucia – gaped in shock at her.
"Because you thought if she had grown up with you, she would've been in the apartment when Lewis attacked," Lucia uttered softly, and Olivia merely looked at her, as more tears made their way down her cheek. Lucia now abandoned her seat on the table, and crouched down in front of her. "That doesn't mean you didn't want her, that doesn't mean it hurt you any less when you thought you lost her, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that any of this is your fault," Lucia counted off adamantly. "It simply means that you know firsthand what that bastard is capable of, and you know that if she had fallen in his hands, that she may have not survived," she finished forcefully, but her voice had miraculously stayed both firm, and gentle.
"But she still fell victim to his games," Olivia countered tearfully.
Amanda was the one who jumped in this time, "Liv, Lewis did not do this. It's not your fault that the bitch had a thing for him," she said firmly.
"She told her that this was all on me," Olivia reminded her, her voice a near growl at this point.
"Liv, she fell in love with a rapist, and a murderer, I wouldn't put too much value into what she said," Fin pipped up, as he now made his way behind Lucia.
A humorless chuckle, or more of a pained sound, left Olivia's lips, as she ran her hands through her hair in frustration. "I lied, okay?" she exclaimed angrily. "I perjured myself." She added, springing to her feet and walking away from the dumbstruck crowd.
"What are you talking about?" Lucia wondered, and Olivia whipped around angrily.
"Lewis was handcuffed to the bed when I beat him up," she confessed.
"We know!" Fin deadpanned, and she cut her eyes to him. "I've known you for fifteen years, Liv, you don't think I know when you're lying?" he asked.
"You did what you had to do to save your life," Amanda added.
"And now my daughter is paying the price," she whispered tearfully.
"Olivia, this is not on you," Barba tried to sooth her once more.
"It's not?" she scoffed. "I picked up an iron bar, and beat a man within an inch of his life while he was handcuffed to the bed," she all but yelled.
"And if you hadn't done that, then we would be telling Savina about her late mother!" Eddie now cut in.
"Olivia, none of us will look at you differently because you beat him up. He deserved every single blow, and then some," Lucia cut to the chase. "The one thing I would've done differently, is maybe put a bullet through his skull," she hissed angrily. "He had you for four days, he drugged you, tortured you. He didn't give you any food or water, just vodka," Lucia listed, her stomach twisting with every word she said, and every flinch on Olivia's face, but she kept going. Because despite the pain she saw in her eyes, she also saw conviction. "This doesn't mean you're anything like him, or that forewoman, it just means you're human." She finished softly.
"And if anyone can understand the state of mind you were in at the time, it's her!" Barba added.
"Liv, she told you herself that she doesn't agree with what Freed said, that this was solely on her. She doesn't hold anything against you," Amanda recalled Savina's words to Olivia that morning, and hoped that the distraught mother can find some form of comfort in them.
"And if you think she'll change her mind about that once she finds out that you beat him up, or that you lied about it, you're wrong," Eddie stated.
"How about when she finds out that I'm her mother? That instead of protecting her, I caused her all this pain?" she snapped.
"You didn't cause any of this," Amanda cried in frustration, but Olivia scoffed in disbelief.
"I took the stand and lied about how he got those injuries. She got up in front of the judge, and said that she had concerns regarding my behavior," she barked.
"And Amanda was the one who arrested him, and the five other states messed things up. And the lab techs contaminated the DNA, and the judge in her infinite wisdom declared a mistrial," Fin listed calmly, and Olivia's eyes snapped to him, and she stared at him in shock. He closed the distance between them, and took her hands into his.
"We can do this all day, try to find the one person to put all this blame on, when they are right in front of us. Lewis was the one who kidnapped and tortured all those women, and Freed was the one who decided to fall for a psychopath and kidnap Savina. None of is falls on you anymore than it falls on any of us," he said calmly, his voice surprisingly leveled and firm.
"The only way you'll let this asshole win, is by letting the guilt eat you up, and have it ruin your second chance with your daughter," Lucia interjected calmly, as she now cupped Olivia's face gently.
They were all standing still around the living room, Barba was still standing next to the couch Olivia occupied minutes ago, with Eddie perched on the table, and Amanda standing between them, and the other three. They all watched Olivia closely, her eyes moving between Fin's and Lucia's, and briefly flickering towards them as well. She was searching for pity, for deception, for any signs that they were merely saying this for her sake. But she found none, all she found was sincerity. Lucia was right, none of them looked at her differently now that they know the truth. Or more like, now that they heard it straight from the horse's mouth, since apparently they all knew it, and just ignored the fact.
She finally nodded, a small gleam of conviction shinning in her eyes, and they decided to count that as a victory. They knew that those emotions won't just go away overnight, that they will take time, but they needed at least a small part of her to believe in it.
Barba, an emotionally spent one, turned to Eddie. "Any ideas how we can tell her about Olivia?" he asked.
"Well, she's stubborn. But I think I'll be able to talk to her. I'll meet you guys at the hospital tomorrow, and I'll see what I can do," he replied, and Barba nodded.
"Thanks Eddie," he said gratefully.
"No need, I couldn't think of better parents for her," he said sincerely, as he gave Barba's shoulder a gentle squeeze, before he said his goodnights and took his leave.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Amanda reverted to her Sargent's mode, and turned to Fin. "What did you find?" she asked.
"CSU are still processing the place, but we did find the pill she spit out," he informed them. "I left them when I got the call that the Solearno's were picked up at the airport," he added. "I had them transferred to the tombs."
"Thank you," Olivia thanked him softly, and he looked square in the eye. "You don't have to thank me for anything, Liv. This is personal for me too," he told her gently, and she nodded.
"How are we gonna explain all the OT people are putting in?" She asked.
"The lab techs don't know she's yours yet, they just know about the Lewis angle, and that's enough for them. Should be for 1PP as well," he said.
"We need to tell Dodds and IAB about this," Amanda pointed out. "Not to mention the DA," she added.
"All of those can wait till we tell Savina," Lucia stated firmly.
"We'll let you guys get some rest, and I'll keep you posted of any developments," Amanda said, smiling reassuringly at Olivia, before she moved her eyes to Lucia. "Mrs. Barba do you need a ride?" she offered, and the older woman nodded gratefully.
"Yeah, if it's not too much of a burden," she said, and Fin cut her off. "Of course not. Shall we?" he said, as he extended his arm for the older woman to take. She smiled gratefully at him, especially when she saw the small smile creeping on to Olivia's tear-streaked face.
"Mom, we need you to watch Noah tomorrow too," Barba said, as Lucia grabbed her coat.
"I have something to do at work, I should be done by 11, so how about I pick him at the hospital?" she suggested, and he nodded. He smiled warmly at her when she leaned in to kiss his cheek, before he bid them all goodnight. He turned back towards Olivia, and knew that, for them, this night was far from over.
So this chapter was a bit stubborn about being uploaded :D. At first, fanfiction seemed to lose my account or something, since it wouldn't open. And then my internet was playing tricks on me. Which is why it's a bit long, and why the next chapter is also almost done.
I do need help with something, if anyone has any legal knowledge, I'd appreciate the help. I was wondering if a family court judge can visit someone at home or in a hospital if they are unable to make it to the hearing to hear their testimony?
Thank you to all who read, followed, and of course a special thank you to those who reviewed.
I will reread this tomorrow, and fix any errors.
You know what makes me happy ;) so keep'em coming, and let me know what you think.