Barba's eyes immediately lit up at Amanda's words. "Your hunch paid off?"
"Oh, yes."
"What hunch?" Olivia wondered.
"I'll explain in a minute," Amanda replied, before turning to Savina. "You said you can identify her voice?"
Savina stared at her for a couple of seconds, swallowing the food in her mouth audibly, before she put the plate back onto the tray. Barba and Olivia both took her lead, and replaced their foil plates. Barba quickly packed up the food, and moved it over to the small coffee table in the corner. He doubted any of them would have the appetite to eat after this.
"Yeah, I can," Savina almost whispered, her eyes now finding the tablet in Amanda's hands, as well as the blindfold.
"I know it's hard," Amanda started, slowly approaching the bed, while Barba made his way around it, to stand behind Olivia. "But I need you to try and see if you can pick her out, if she's one of these voices at all."
Savina nodded reluctantly, her right hand slowly rising from the bed. "And you need to put me in the same mental state that I was in, blindfolded with no one close," she finished Amanda's unsaid sentence, and the blonde nodded regretfully.
Barba basically pulled Olivia off the bed, and away from the bed. Ironically, they stood in the same spot they were in the day before, when they both watched in horror as the doctors frantically tried to get Savina's heart to beat again. They watched as Amanda handed her the fold, and Savina swiftly tied it around her eyes. They immediately noticed the change in her demeanor; her face tensed, her jaws clenching, and her hands reflexively fisting and unfisting repeatedly. Barba wrapped his arms around Olivia's shoulders, and pulled her flush against him. He could feel her shaking, but didn't want to make any sound to help Savina get in the mindset, so they can get this over with as soon as possible.
Amanda opened the tablet, and one by one, different voices filled the otherwise quiet room. The blinds were still closed, so it isolated any ambient movements, or noises. The only sound was Savina's as she told Amanda to go from one audio to the other.
Barba recognized some of the voices that came on, Amanda hadn't just included voices of women, and she had a couple of men as well. He recognized the doctor's voice, the one who treated Lewis, as she listed his injuries; he heard Amanda's voice listing them, Fin's, even Lewis's as he detailed his own injuries. He tightened his arms around Olivia when she flinched at the sound of his voice, and murmured kisses into her hair. But then Freed's voice filled the room, and he knew Olivia recognized it, because she stopped breathing all together. He watched Savina's reaction closely, and realized that she too recognized the voice.
Her eyebrows furrowed slightly, her head turning towards the sound a little, and her hands fisted angrily around the sheets at her side. She started to heave, her breaths coming out short and shallow, and in less than a second she was gasping, as she shook her head. He let go of Olivia the second she squirmed, and she bolted to her side, just as Savina yanked the blindfold off her face, screaming 'no', in the process. Olivia dove onto the bed, and pulled Savina into her, and to his surprise, Savina actually balled up against Olivia, her head buried in her mother's chest, her hands now fisting around the front of her top.
Amanda had switched off the audio, and the room fell silent. Save for the sound of the agonizing, muffled sobs that were escaping Savina, her entire body shaking in Olivia's tightly wound arms. Diana was right, she acted tough and like she had everything under control, but something tipped her over the edge, and it all suddenly came crashing down on her.
Barba and Amanda both stood by the bed, watching silently as Olivia held Savina, silent tears making their way down her cheeks, and damping the top of Savina's head, where she had her mouth buried. She didn't try to calm her, didn't try to get her to stop crying, or even say anything. She just held her tightly, one hand cradling her head against her chest, as she murmured kisses into her hair.
"It's her," Savina gasped, her voice so broken and vulnerable, that it reminded them that under all the bravado, she was nothing more than a scared little girl. They had already guessed by her reaction that she recognized the voice, but unfortunately, they had to hear her say it, and she did.
That got them to spring into action. Olivia's haunted gaze found Barba, who was afraid to talk, so that his voice doesn't betray him. But he realized that he had to say something, even Amanda was waiting for him.
"I'll get the subpoena," was all he could think of, before he and Amanda left the room, leaving behind a still sobbing Savina, and an agonized Olivia.
An hour later, Savina had finally calmed down. Well, as calmed down as anyone in her situation could get. Her agonizing sobs had turned into occasional sobs, she'd stopped shaking, but she was still curled up in Olivia's arms. To both their surprise. Olivia was still running her fingers through her hair, with the occasional kiss to the top of her head. She thought she had fallen asleep, wished she had. But when she sighed deeply, and slightly pulled back from their embrace, it became clear that she hadn't. To Olivia's pleasant surprise, she pulled back slightly, but didn't quite break out of her hold. Olivia kept one arm under her head, while she used her free hand to wipe away the tear tracks on her face.
"Did they find her?" her voice was hoarse, and barely audible. Her eyes were red, and almost empty. It killed Olivia seeing her like this, almost as if she had given up the fight all together. She was exhausted, she knew, but she also knew that the battle had truly just begun. She had told victims thousands of times before, even Dr. Lindstrom himself had told her; you survived the assault, you can survive the recovery.
She didn't know what to tell her, they hadn't found her. Fin and Amanda had already searched her apartment, and Carisi had went to her work, but they didn't find her, and found nothing that can point them to where she could be hiding. Barba was hauled-up in his office issuing one subpoena after the other for them; for her financials, for the receipt from that tool shop near the old slaughter house. They checked with TSA, train and bus stations, and found no tickets in her name, or for anyone fitting her description. They were still digging into her life, but so far, were coming up empty. But she knew that lying to her won't help.
"No, not yet. She wasn't at home, and they're still looking for her," she answered softly, her heart breaking when Savina closed her eyes, as more tears escaped past her closed eyelids.
"This is never going to end," she mumbled dejectedly.
"Yes, it will. I know it seems like it won't. Trust me, I know. But it will," Olivia guaranteed.
"She's there every time I close my eyes," she confessed. "A blurry figure with a mask hovering over me, or a distant voice in an endless see of black. If I fall asleep, I'm back on that metal bed, the wires cutting into my wrists," she continued, her eyes finally fluttering open, and meeting the equally haunted ones of her mothers. Olivia immediately saw the guilt swirling in them, and it made her heart ache knowing that Savina was more worried about her than her own wellbeing.
"Sweetheart, I told you before. No one knows what you're going through better than me, don't shut me out," she pleaded gently, the pad of her thumb moving gently over her cheek.
Savina scoffed bitterly. "I told you that I didn't want to re-open old wounds, and then I turn out to be your daughter. It's like the worst scenario of ghosts of Christmas past."
Under any circumstances, that comment might have stung, but the pain in her voice made Olivia realize that she genuinely felt guilty for the toll this was taking on Olivia. She moved closer to her on the bed, and used her hand to gently tilt her head to catch her eyes.
They were identical to hers, a fact that she was still not used to. It pained her that the mirroring was not just abstract, was not just in their shape, but also in their contents. She saw the same ghosts, same pain, same walls, similar wounds and identical pleas…..pleas to whatever higher power that controlled this situation to put an end to it…..pleas for salvation.
"I've spent years dreaming of meeting you, I went to your grave every year on your birthday, and tried to imagine what you would look like. I never thought it could ever be possible, and I wish with all my heart that the circumstances were different. But I would never regret finding out that you're mine."
"Does it ever stop?" she whispered.
"Yes, but it takes time. And at first, you'll think you're fine, but then something will happen, and it will all come back. Just don't fight whatever it is you're feeling, don't try to convince yourself that you should be feeling something else. Whatever it is, it's okay. We all react in different ways, there is no one right way," she replied. "But you can't do this on your own, you need to talk to someone about it."
Savina shook her head. "I'm not really good at talking about how I feel," she told her.
"I know, neither was I."
"You saw someone?" Savina asked, half shocked, half curious.
"Yeah, a therapist, Dr. Lindstrom. He's been working with SVU for years, and he helped me," Olivia alluded.
"I don't think I'm ready for that yet," Savina retorted truthfully.
"I understand, take your time. And whenever you are, he's just a phone call away," Olivia assured her.
"Thank you," Savina whispered gratefully. "For everything," she added.
Olivia merely smiled lovingly at her, it still surprised her how easily she slipped into mother hen mode with Savina, but she guessed it was different when it's the child you've been mourning for nearly two decades.
"Do you wanna try and get some sleep?" Olivia suggested. Noting the slight hesitation on Savina's face, she added. "I'm not going anywhere."
When Barba crept into the room in the evening on his way home, he never expected to be greeted with the sight before his eyes. Both Olivia and Savina were fast asleep on the bed, both on their sides, facing each other, with Savina snuggled up in Olivia's arms. He closed the door behind him, careful not to make a sound, and put his suitcase onto one of the chairs, before he made his way over to the bedside table on Olivia's side. He saw her phone next to her, and checked to see if it was switched off. He wanted to leave her a text, but didn't want to wake her. Seeing as it was off, he started to type the text as he made his way over to the door. He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a soft whimper from the bed, and turned around in time to see Olivia jerk awake, when the second whimper – slightly louder than the first – woke her. Her eyes immediately landed on him, but only held his gaze for a second, before her attention was once again on the whimpering teenager in her arms.
"Shhhhhh, it's okay baby, you're safe," she cooed into her hair, as she tightened her arms around her. "You got out, she can't hurt you anymore," she continued whispering softly until Savina settled down once more.
She pressed a few kisses to the top of her head, as her fingers ran softly through her chocolate locks, before she raised her gaze to meet Barba's once more. "Hey," she whispered.
"Hey. How is she?" he asked quietly, as he made his way over to her side of the bed, and bent down to press a kiss to her head.
She shrugged, not entirely sure what to say, and he nodded in understanding. "Freed is still nowhere to be found, but we're not giving up, they're turning over every rock in New York until they do bring her in, but we can't seem to find any contacts or relatives whom she might be hiding with. We spoke to her mother and sister, both of whom claimed to not have seen her since after the Lewis trial when they realized that she was seeing him, and had actually developed feelings for him. I was on my way to pick up Noah from Bella's, and swung by to see if either of you needed anything."
She smiled at his thoughtfulness, especially when she noted the hand that was gently placed on Savina's back. "I was kinda hoping that at least one of us will be home before Noah's bedtime," she stated guiltily.
"You're not choosing one over the other, Liv," he shot back firmly. "She needs you more right now. I got Noah, he's my kid too. Don't worry about him," he added gently.
"I just don't ever want him to think that just because she's my blood, that she comes first, or that she has priority; they're both mine," she almost begged him to believe her, though she knew that he never doubted any of that.
"I know, mi amor, and so does he," he assured her. "I'll tell Tommy that he can start packing up your place, and Lucy can pack Noah's stuff. I know you're picky about your personal things, so when everything else is done, I'll take over here, and you can pack your stuff yourself," he suggested.
She mulled the idea over, on one hand, it would be better if she packed her clothes herself, that way when she tells Barba to bring something over from one of the boxes, she'll know which one. But on the other, she wasn't sure she'd have the heart to leave Savina.
Barba, noting her hesitance, amended his words. "How about we cross that bridge when we get to it?"
She nodded, before craning her neck and catching his lips in a chaste, quick kiss…..but a meaningful one nonetheless.
"I'll see you both tomorrow, text me when she's awake. And if you need anything, at any time, just call, okay?" he stressed.
"I will," she promised.
Once the door closed behind him, she turned her attention back to her still sleeping daughter. She looked small, vulnerable, and powerless curled up against her like that. She imagined thousands of nights where a younger version of her would've probably done the same when she fell sick, or because she was scared of the storm, or the monsters in her closet. She imagined sleepless nights with fevers and upset stomach; countless nights in the crib, just the two of them; running around the apartment in a desperate effort to get her into her clothes after a bath, like she does with Noah now; the bath water that always ended up half on her, and half on the floor; the birthdays, the laughs, the tears…everything they could've had, but was never even given the chance. She was sure that if she laid eyes on the nuns in this moment, that she would gladly strangle them both. They took her baby away from her, she had gone through terrible hardships because of what they did, unnecessary hardships. She lost her parents in a car accident, was placed in the foster system at the age of four, bounced around from one house to the other ever since, some of which were even abusive. And last, but most certainly not least, she was taken for four days, raped, and tortured. And no one even noticed.
She tightened her arms around her, pulling her further into her body, almost as if she was trying to shield her from many other cruelties the world still had to offer. She pressed her mouth into her hair once more, taking in the subtle smell of the shampoo from her earlier shower, and grateful that the Vodka smell was gone.
"I promise I won't be like her," she vowed, though she was not sure if that promise was to herself, or Savina.
So here's a new chapter, I know some of it feels like a filler-ish chapter, but it was necessary to set things for future chapters.
You know reviews make me happy, so keep'em coming.